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5 - Sophia Tiwa Animashaun

I squint my eyes at the laptop before finally clicking down on a song and dragging it to where I want.

It took me years to build a DJ booth and set up the right equipment too-even after having the money at hand. With my Dad's constant disapproval, it was harder than I thought.

While my mom and Daniel were in full support of me doing whatever I want, my dad-for reasons I still don't find 'reasons enough'-hated the idea.

There was this one time he formatted my laptop and downloaded a number of books for me to read. Really? Really Dad? I was not happy at all but after a week, I started downloading all the music I could remember and I installed the mixing apps.

It wasn't as if I was not good with school work. Jeez! I'm the fucking best student the school has ever had!

Though he doesn't care, I never disappointed him nor myself and that's enough reason why he should let me do what I want.

He still finds a way to talk about it whenever he has the chance. He would chip in how I'm- according to him- 'wasting' the early hours of my life.

It's not like my father is an old fashioned man with primitive thinking. I know firsthand that's he's not. But why he most times choose to act like one, still baffles me.

And how he thinks he can ignore me and then waltz back into my life and tell what I should and shouldn't do, is actually the funny part.

"You can go back to Canada…take the children with you." He had told mom. "Tiwa is going to Canada, right?" he just can't wait to get rid of me.

I was born in Nigeria, but after few months, my dad's business took us to Canada, then back to to Nigeria.

My senior high school was in Nigeria. My brother, Daniel completed his studies in Canada and he had no problem moving with us to Nigeria when he discovered he could start his photography business in Nigeria first before going international.

I also fancy the idea of going 'international'. I love music and I love to mix and Dj but—in my life, there is always a 'but'—my low self esteem won't let me see the path.

I grew up in a family that literally quotes "if you have a problem, try to fix it first before having rights to complain." and have I tried to 'fix' me? I have done everything within my power.

I was fifteen when I discovered I was never going to add weight even after eating six times a day. My mum saw it as being greedy but no, it was a different situation to me. I was helping myself get thick.

Forcing each spoon down my already filled up throat. It was torture.

I take off my headphones and drop em safely on my booth before climbing the bed.

During school get-togethers, social gatherings, end of the year parties and all that, I'm always in oversized clothes.

Most times whenever Daniel is free from work, he goes with me to the mall and at the end of the day, we go back home in silence. Crossed at eachother.

He hates that I buy baggy clothes but there's nothing he or anyone can do about it. This is me.

While I really liked them, sometimes, I wanted to dress like a girl too. A girly girl.

Wear a gown—bodycon gown. My mom being a fashion designer has lots of beautiful girly girls wear but her daughter can't wear em.

I never want to be seen wearing a straight dress. I tried it once I'm front of mirror and it's a sight I never want to see again.

I looked so small and flat in it. Literally looked like my flat tummy stretched all the way up to my chest and even went the extra strength to go behind to my ass.

"I love your combat pants." a my classmate had said during a social gathering one time.

I wanted to hear something like, "You really got some nice curves in that pants." But no Sophia, your combat pants got the compliment.

I sigh. I don't know why I'm welcoming my harsh thoughts today—maybe it's because I don't want to think about my parents issue. Maybe I'd rather drown in the cruelty of my thoughts than think about my parents failed marriage.

As far as my memories can take me, I can't remember one time my mom and dad has been happy together.

And deep down, I can't wait for my mom file for a divorce. It'll be better that way. For her, for me. For dad.

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