“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
Being in a coma means that you may never be able to wake up; that you may never be able to see the sun ever again.
The sheer thought of this fact terrifies me.
Thinking back, I used to hate seeing the sun. Because it just meant that it's time for work and it was the start of another long day.
I never liked the sun.
It messes up my makeup and makes me sweat buckets with its heat. Every morning was such a chore. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up, or so I thought. Little did I know, this feeling of never waking up can actually be so torturing and suffocating.
I long so desperately to feel the sun rays on my skin and feel its warmth on me again. I want to see that ball of light and get mesmerise by its beauty all over again.
When I was little, I enjoyed waking up early. I would wake up super early, just to catch the sun rise. Sun rise back then, meant a lot to me.
It symbolises the beginning.
As the sun rises, it calls forth the start of another exciting day. The sun rises majestically and spreads its petal-soft rays all over earth, subtly awakening the nature and all beings.
I remember getting all excited and jumpy as I waited for the arrival of the sun back when I was living in my grandparents' cottage.
I remember faintly of that small cottage my grandparents own. I used to live there with my parents and my little brother. Although it was old and a little small, I really did enjoyed living there.
I have always liked the wind chime that hangs proudly on the side balcony of the house. Whenever the wind caresses the chime, it gives off a melodic and strangely soothing tinkling sound; almost like a gentle lullaby. I adored that sound the chime makes.
I halted my thoughts abruptly.
The sound the chime makes...
I stared blankly into the space, floating freely around the mirrors as I thought hard.
What kind of sound was it again? I can't seem to remember.
I swallowed dryly, my back of my throat getting all scratchy. A small sad frown etched onto my face. It seems that I have been forgetting all the happy moments in my life...
I blinked rapidly, trying to clear the tears clouding my sight. 'Don't cry, Rhene' I chanted in my head, holding back my emotions forcefully. Clasping my hands together tightly, I sniffed. A traitorous tear slipped from the corner of my eye.
The stifled sobs were let loose as I cried hard into my hands, letting all my tears and emotions go. My body shook as the muffled sobs wracked against my chest painfully.
I miss that moment so badly.
The times I had in that little cottage was one of the best I have ever had in my life. The fact that I was forgetting it, hurts so much. I felt so ashamed and couldn't even believe myself.
The day I gazed at the morning sun with my grandpa, I even vowed to never forget that moment.
Yet... I can't even remember what colour the sky was when the sun emerged from the clouds. I can't even remember how the breeze felt like when it brushed through my light ash-blonde hair.
The world just turned into one big blur. Everything was gone. That painful emotion punched ruthlessly against me as I remembered the words my grandpa said when we were watching the sun rise together.
Tears traced my cheeks and left its track down my eyes, into my quivering lips. I cried out noisily, as tears flowed endlessly. For the first time since my comatose state, I was actually glad I was in this horrible state.
Because I could cry out so freely, so unrestrained. I could let myself loose and drown myself in tears as I reflect on so many things in devastation.
More importantly, I got to revisit my old memories. Happy memories. It evoked feelings of nostalgia and so much joy within me. I am so overwhelmed by happiness so why?
Why on earth am I wallowing myself in tears and self-pity?
"Let's watch the sun rise everyday together, from now on. What do you say, Rhene?"
The excitement and pure euphoria in grandpa's voice haunted me. I let out loud and raw sobs as I gripped my chest tightly, trying to numb the growing pain gushing out my heart.
And what really got me hating myself was my reply.
How dare I kicked that promise to the back of my mind. How dare I?
I let out a long tormented scream into the emptiness as my reply to that question echoed in my head.
"Mhn, let's watch the sun rise everyday! Promise me, grand-papa, promise me!"
That scream turned into helpless wails. I curled myself up into a tiny ball and let hot tears stream down my tear-streaked face.
The smile on my grandpa's face was one that brings warmth to my soul when we crossed our hearts. Tears trickled down my jaw.
I promised him.
We even had a pinky pact.
How dare I make that promise only to break it. I broke down again and again, releasing the anger and sorrows building within me.
That thirty-seven days of sun rise watching with my grand-papa were the warmest days of my life.
I don't know. Because I can't remember.
All I know was... I never felt that warmth ever again, after leaving that cottage for the city with my parents.
I wish I could say I remember that warmth in my memory.
But I can't.
Because it wasn't even in my memory.
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