My Journey Through Darkness

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Chapter 10

December 2005

It was the 9th of Dec 2005 and I was at my favourite club with my new best friend George. Even though we swore every weekend that we would not end up at Nirvana again, there we both were, smiling our heads off and dancing like nobody was watching! I was particularly in my element that night, considering that in the previous few months I had not been able to dance very much due to consuming the ever-strong Disco Biscuits. I only took one or two but they always made me “rush” for hours, leaving me paralytic - but happy - on a couch somewhere. On this particular night however, we tried the cheaper pills and I had that bouncy energy one is supposed to have - like the pills from back in the day! The pills these days are still good, but very strong and laced with all kinds of rubbish, diminishing that pure ecstasy trip.

It was sometime around midnight while I was hopping around the Classics dance floor when I caught sight of a very tall, dark-haired guy who seemed to be unknowingly entertaining everyone with his unique dance-style. I watched in amazement, trying to be subtle with quick glances as I carried on dancing. It looked like he was there with a girl and a guy friend, but I couldn’t tell if any of them were an item. At one point I looked at him again and to my embarrassment made direct eye contact… with the bluest eyes and most beautiful face I had ever seen! He grinned at me and I was dumb struck!

For the remainder of the night, I stupidly followed the three of them whenever they went to a different dance floor. George curiously asked me what was going on and I just kept telling him that I was on a mission. I knew it would hurt him terribly if he knew that I was interested in someone, so I tried to be as subtle as my pill-induced love-struck self would allow me to be. There was also the problem that I didn’t want this guy to think I was with George, just in case he would be interested.

The only move he made however - besides occasionally grinning at me with those electric eyes - was to lean over to me on the dance floor and mumble something I couldn’t quite understand, so in reply, I just asked him what his name was. Seth. I was instantly smitten but went on as if there was nothing happening in my heart. As the morning light started to appear I was increasingly confused. Seth had definitely smiled directly at me a few times, but never went any further than that. For a while I wondered if the girl he was with was perhaps his girlfriend. I even considered the fact that he may be gay, watching him and the other guy interact. Besides that, I realized that a guy like him would never look at a chick like me twice. He’d probably smiled at me out of politeness –it’s what people do when they are on pills. So I gave up. At least I’d had the pleasure of drooling over a very pretty boy all night!

At around nine o’clock on the Sunday morning I was sitting alone on a bench in the courtyard of Nirvana, trying to cool down from the sweaty dance floor. As I was still reminiscing about the great night, gorgeous Seth suddenly walked past me toward the courtyard bar. I jumped at the opportunity of seeing him without his two friends and called out to him; “Hey! You! Come sit here with me for a while.” I must be honest that at that moment I didn’t really know what I was doing. All I knew was that I felt brave!

Amazingly, he stopped and quietly came to sit at the bench with me. I instantly went into panic mode which usually results in verbal diarrhea. So this is what happened next:

“You have very pretty eyes, but I’m sure you know that by now.” - A silent smiling nod from Seth.

“Ok listen, I would like to give you the heads up and mention that if you give me half a chance right now I might talk a hole into your head. So if you would like to run I recommend that you do it now. I won’t even be offended.” I finished with a huge grin.

“That’s ok; I think I can handle it.” That smile again! “You can talk to me.”

“Ok, then I might as well be honest with you.” I desperately didn’t want to mess this up, so I had to be my true self from the word ‘go’. I was convinced that if this beautiful man would like me in this state, then he would like me any way. “I am a bit of a mess right now and may talk a lot of rubbish, but I would like to talk to you again when I am not on drugs. Would you be willing give me your telephone number?” Phew!

He nodded a smile, then got up and went to the bar. Just as I thought he had opted for my suggestion of running away, he was back and gave me a small piece of paper with a cell number on it.

I looked at it in disbelief; “I am really serious about calling you on Monday. Are you sure I am not going to make a fool of myself when I do call you? I know how it goes in clubs, everyone gives out phone numbers but you never hear from them again.”

He looked me in the eye and said; “I never give my number to a girl if I don’t want to hear from her again.”

So I took the piece of paper and stuck it in my jeans’ pocket, feeling like I’d won the lottery.

His friends finally discovered us chatting and sat down with us. Dieter, Claudia and Seth had been friends for a few years and they seemed to be really cool people. We chatted for a while and then I noticed that I hadn’t seen George for some time. I dreaded having to tell him that I liked this guy and wanted to spend more time with him. When I found George sitting alone on a couch in the dance floor that had already closed, I knew he was upset. I asked him to please come and sit with us and meet my new friends, but he refused. He asked me to decide what I wanted to do as he wanted to go home and my car was at his place. Not wanting to discuss George’s obvious feelings of hurt, I asked him to please wait while I found out what the others were doing.

I ran back to the bench in the courtyard, sat down next to Seth and asked; “What are you guys doing after this?”

Dieter said; “Just chilling at our place I guess.”

“Where is your place?”

“Not far from here.”

I took a chance; “Ok, well, I have a little dilemma you see. My car is at my friend George’s house, and he wants to leave now… So would you guys mind if I came home with you and spend the afternoon? George is not taking it too well that I like someone and I just don’t want to deal with emotional stuff right now. Someone would just have to drive me to fetch my car later. George’s place isn’t far from here either.” I felt like I was being extremely cheeky and would not normally be so forward, but I had to take a chance. The alternative would be spending the rest of the day trying to make George feel better and feeling guilty about liking Seth.

“I’ll take you later, it’s not a problem. I have to take Claudia home anyway,” Seth answered quickly.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.” I felt quite bad for inviting myself over and then expecting to be carted around.

“It’s really cool.” And my heart melted as he threw me that crooked smile again.

The four of us spent the rest of the day chilling on the lawn in the sun. As the sun started setting, Seth took me to get my car and he promised to pop in at my house on his way back from dropping Claudia off. I raced home, showered and shaved and waited nervously for Seth. He got to my house in record time and stayed the night… Before we fell asleep I remember telling him that I think I might just keep him… That he was in trouble…

We spent every night together after that, for two weeks, until Seth had to go down to the coast to spend two weeks with his dad. Dieter, Seth and I spent most nights at their place, and many of those nights involved no sleep as we chatted incessantly over a gram of Cat. (Cat is similar to coke, except it is made from all kinds of toxic substances and costs a lot less than coke.) I don’t even know how many grams we went through during those two weeks, but we had a great time! I just kept thinking that it was ok to party with my new friends just for the holidays. After the New Year we would all stop using drugs and go back to nice normal living.

19 December 2005

A week ago I met Seth Smuts. I have spent every day with him since we met and I am hopelessly in love. I know that I hardly know him but I have such a good feeling about him. He lives up to all of my standards and he loves me back! Even though I’m shit scared of heartache again, I feel like this may just be it.

I’m busy moving, packing up my life to move to Pretoria on Saturday with Waylon. Yet again, life will change for me but now that I’ve met Seth I don’t really want to move anymore. I want to marry this man… and I think I just might.

22 December 2005

This is all so new and unfamiliar to me. I’ve never experienced getting to know someone the way I am with Seth. Everything about this is different than before; I’m dealing with it in a new way and feeling differently about all of it. I have the same silly-in-love-butterfly-feeling, but it’s a lot more peaceful, more mature, cautious and trusting in God to lead the way. I am so determined to do things the right way from now on, in this relationship and in my personal life. I know in my heart that meeting Seth is not just a coincidence, the fact that I am at peace about it and not feeling desperate like I usually do shows me that this is special. Seth makes me so happy, feel so special and loved… safe. His maturity, level-headedness, control, responsibility and stability is exactly what I need in a man. He will be good for me and I am so excited to be able to focus my love on a man who deserves it.

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