My Journey Through Darkness

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Chapter 11

Beginning 2006

Cal and I had been given notice at our flat; the owner was going to move in there at the end of December. I made arrangements to move in with an old high school buddy Waylon, who had a room to spare at his flat in Pretoria. Cal planned to go back to Port Elisabeth, her home town at the coast, and later hopefully back to London. I was very sad to leave Cal as we had developed a good friendship in the few months we’d stayed together. We could talk easily about anything and spent many evenings discussing God and our relationship with Him. We were very similar in the way we really wanted to serve God but our personal desires seemed to always come first.

Thankfully, during December, we were both kept very busy and there wasn’t much time for us to get sad about moving away. I spent most evenings with Seth and Cal also had many friends to see and say goodbye to.

Seth left on a bus to go to the coast where his dad lived, on the 23rd of December, leaving me alone to pack and move. My parents came up from the Vaal to help me move and I spent Christmas day alone in Waylon’s empty flat. He was also at the coast as most people in the Jo’burg region spent their December holidays all around the coast of South Africa. I worked a few shifts for some extra money over the holiday season and spent most of the remaining time sorting out my stuff. I missed Seth a lot during those two weeks and wrote him long letters in a journal which I kept for him.

From the day Seth got back from his two-week holiday in George, we were inseparable. Even though my new flat with Waylon was in Pretoria, I spent most evenings at Seth’s place anyway. I worked in Midrand, which was exactly halfway between Johannesburg and Pretoria, so it didn’t make much difference to me if I stayed at Seth’s place. I worked on a shift roster, from 7 to 7 day or night, but the good thing was that I only worked a total of 15 days in a month, so I had a lot of free days.

Seth shared a place with his best mate Dieter, and the three of us still felt as though it was holiday time. We started spending weekends at their place with a gram or two of Cat, just chatting and lying in the sun. It felt ok to be snorting Cat because at least we weren’t spending all our time in the clubs anymore. That was, after all, the thing we all wanted to overcome. As long as we stayed away from clubs we didn’t see anything wrong enjoying a gram and each other’s company at home.

Dieter and I got on very well from the beginning as we have similar characters. We spent many a night debating passionately about random topics while Seth slept. He was the lucky one who was always able to go straight to sleep when the party was over, unlike Dieter and I who couldn’t sleep for hours, and we both hated being alone during the “come-down”. Within a few weeks the two of us became close friends, and Seth and I just fell hopelessly more in love with each other.

One Thursday evening after Seth had picked me up at home after work, we took a drive to a friend of his who sold drugs. She was a regular young professional white woman in her early thirties, but sold drugs on the side for a bit of extra cash or just for fun – who knows? She and Seth had been friends for years. When we got to her place I had to stay in the car because she had people there or something like that, so Seth just ran in to collect and came back. We were collecting an order of MDMA pills for another one of Seth’s friends who wanted them for the weekend. What alarmed me was when Seth closed his door, he turned to me and handed me a gram of Cat. I looked at it thinking that it must also be for his friend and I should maybe just hold on to it. Then Seth said with a naughty grin, “Chop us a line then.” And he pulled away.

As we drove through the suburban streets I was completely dumbfounded. I couldn’t decide if he was serious or not so I just sat there like a deaf mute. After a few minutes Seth asked me again to make a line for us so I asked him if he was serious.

“It’s Thursday, we’re working tomorrow.”

That seemed to make him think a little so he said, “You’re right, but I thought we could just have a line or two and then go to bed.”

Of course, it doesn’t take much to convince me to take drugs, so I chopped us a line each on a C.D. cover. I couldn’t speak for Seth, but the way things go with me, the gram was finished by the time we needed to get ready for work on Friday morning. I could never have a little and leave the rest for later. All or nothing.

It happened again a few times that Seth, Dieter and I decided to get a gram in the middle of the week. After each amazing night spent talking one another’s ears off, we went gingerly to work and suffered through the day as we came down. Being alone at work with none of your partners in crime for moral support, having the abnormal urge to talk non-stop and trying to concentrate on your actual work while being paranoid that someone might notice that you are on drugs is the worst thing ever! Poor Dieter always looked like he was about to die when we picked him up after work. He worked in a busy pharmacy-type store and had to face customers all day long, so he took the most strain. For some reason, every time we decided to get a gram, we seemed to forget how awful the next day would be.

December turned into January and we carried on partying at home every weekend. At that stage, even though the original plan was to stop partying, I enjoyed every forbidden moment of indulgence.

I stopped seeing George completely as Seth wasn’t comfortable with us spending time with a man who obviously would’ve wanted me for himself. Thankfully, George had also met a girl and they seemed to have become a serious couple. It made me feel a bit less guilty for “leaving” him.

25 January 2006

You have set a fire alight in my soul,

A flame that was put out by so many.

Slowly, a glimmer of ember began to glow,

And in a short month has risen in a blaze!

A look alone brings me to my knees,

Words so touching, I am weak, powerless.

Small gestures of caring leave me in awe,

Your displays of love have me questioning…

Can I deserve this, dare I accept it?

As you are more than I ever imagined.

The reality of a little girl’s dream,

Of a prince on a white horse, a knight in shining armour!

The way in which we glide over obstacles,

Leave the old behind and step forward.

The profound intimacy and close friendship,

I am elated, overwhelmed, blessed beyond measure!

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