On Friday night the 9th of November I got a call from my dad. He told me that they have decided to give me an option, upon which it would be up to me. I could go and live with them, leave my job as they will support me until I am clean. If I chose to not take this offer, then they will wash their hands of our drug problem, as they could no longer bear the knowledge that every time they gave us money to ‘help’ us, they knew it was supporting our drug habit – therefore they were actually helping us kill ourselves.
I initially felt a shock course through my being - as I’d been dreading this day - when my only option would be to leave everything behind – including Seth. All I could say was that I would think about it, but in my heart I already knew what I would do.
I was surprised at how calmly I absorbed all of this, as each word sunk deep into my soul. I carefully considered what it meant if I took my parents’ offer to help me.
When we ended the call I took a few minutes to compose myself before I spoke to Seth. I still remained calm but then the tears streamed down my face as I told him what was said. I told him that I would go to my parents in order to save my life as I could not refuse their offer. I knew the alternative meant that I would die a junkie with nothing left. So regardless of what anybody thinks, for me there was no other alternative to save me from the drugs.
I looked into Seth’s beautiful and troubled blue eyes, and asked him to make sure that whatever happens, we wouldn’t lose each other. I told him that I didn’t want to desert him but inevitably I would have no choice unless he did something drastic. I wept as I faced the fact that we were at the place that I had feared all along. I wished so much that it needn’t have resulted in this being the final option. There was nothing to do but allow the acceptance to sink in.
We spent the night discussing what we would do. It seemed logical to wait until we got our year-end bonuses at the end of December and then I would resign at the beginning of January. We would work our months’ notice and then I would go down to the Vaal and take as much time as I needed to heal. I knew that we would never beat this as long as we were staying together. I know Seth disagreed but I think he was also tired of the endless struggle.
The weekend ended with us feeling a little hopeful but also very sad. I hoped beyond hope that we would survive the separation and changes we were about to go through. But deep down, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.
18 November 2007
I surrender myself
When there’s nothing left to lose, except the thing you value most, you finally find the will to shift gears in the right direction.
I’ve been in this struggle for so long, that I no longer choose to fight, but prefer to now enjoy the last part of the ride.
It’s not long to go anymore until it’s done, when I can happily tumble into a heap of helpless burnt-out good intentions.
Ironic how we only ever find Truth once we’ve searched in every wrong place, and then to find that we actually had the Truth all along!
I am exhausted to my brim, fed up with my dead-end circles and ready to let go, for someone else to repair my worn-out mess.
I assume you expect some sort of shameful defeat, self-loathing and admitting blame? All of that will not be found here in me.
No, this is not defeat I celebrate, but rather, the greatest victory of all – the discovery of the missing piece in the puzzle solution.
The search has been never-ending and ever-testing, the obstacles cruel and sharp with no end in sight, continuing steadily along.
Through every new challenge I pushed on and on, with all I had - as long as I had breath in me – this fight I would face, with nothing but some hope on my side.
Hope – my one salvation – led me all the way – to this place where I’m taken in to be completely repaired – inside and out, a brand new creation.
If only I’d noticed my faithful companion right beside me – patiently waiting to be given the lead - perhaps this battle would never have been.
Yet so it remains: we shall refuse to take heed when the sign instructs such – but instead we insist on wandering out in search of adventures.
Until we meet the demons within, who slyly turn the adventure to horror, and insistently cling to our souls with no intention of letting go.
The torture and pain – from innocently seeking some temporary pleasure – cannot be explained should you be lucky to live! But Alas!
The senses and flesh are our betrayal in sin, the cause that our minds become stupid and forgetful of what is at cost.
It is purely to satisfy the desires of our flesh, that we turn a blind eye on reason and sense – robbing us of any form of control.
Sometimes I still long to be only of spirit while on this earth – so I may serve in the fullness only possible without flesh.
Perhaps it seems unfair, that we must learn to die to our bodies in order to survive the destruction that waits to devour us…
The one who is responsible for the fall of us all will soon be paying the price – when we will then be given our place high above.
I feel certain that it will be clear that this view from above, makes everything below look impossibly tiny, some things even almost invisible.
That will be equal to the real value of what is down here – almost nothing – when seen from up there! So I will look up, until I am there!
Perhaps everything ‘worldly’ is simply part of a game? A test for us Pawns to watch what we do… If so, I fear that the sad truth is clear.
Most of us seem to be blindly following the diversions in place, making us mere mindless sheep, which is what we accept – one by one they go…
How thankful I am for never conforming to mediocrity! For not letting myself be directed by the crowd, the “They” in control.
The only rules I am expected to obey are the ones in the Book – so therefore what ‘society’ has to say means nothing to me.
I am not a rebel in any way – I merely choose to be the creator of my own little world – not living my life according to their laws.
This is the reason I am here at this place – able to go back to basics again, to start my life over, instead of agreeing that it’s ok this way.
I could easily deny that I am in trouble right now, or find something to blame for this mess – but I prefer to accept it was my choice.
On the first of December all our plans fell apart when God stepped in and forced me to do what I had to do. In retrospect I believe that I would never have lasted until the end of January with my mind intact. God knew when the right time was to leave.
Our friend Kleo had insisted on us joining her to an outdoor event called H2O for her birthday. She even bought us tickets because we were as poor as ever. My brother also wanted to go so he was very happy that we were going.
The day before the event Kleo started sending me the most insulting and hurtful text messages. She said I was weak and that she was sick of having weak friends and that I was pathetic. It hurt me to the core because I had never done anything to hurt her or make her angry.
Kleo was our best friend and I haven’t elaborated on her role in our lives as I’ve chosen to keep things minimal out of respect for her. So let’s just say that she was a crazy and chaotic person and Seth and I saw her through a year filled with suicide attempts and a spiraling drug psychosis. Our friendship had been emotionally draining but I had promised to just show her love – no matter what, and I had stuck by that. I had my reasons for loving Kleo.
When I got the messages from her, Seth just told me not to worry about it and that it was probably because of the crystal meth she’d started using. It made her crazy. I couldn’t just ignore it though and it took all my strength to still go to H2O and pretend that nothing had happened. That Saturday afternoon I started to crumble. I was furious with Kleo for being so cruel after everything we’d gone through together. I was even more furious because she couldn’t understand my weakness with the drugs – when she was on an even more destructive path using crystal!
She thought she had it all together when in fact she behaved like she was truly going mad sometimes. I had never been nasty or hurtful when trying to gently help her right or warn her about the crystal. Instead I had always listened to her ranting and comforted her when she cried. I put up with many a crazy outburst and even defended her when a new boyfriend walked out because of her insane behaviour. Now she was telling me that I was a poor sorry sod and not worthy of her friendship because I was so weak!
I didn’t really want to see her ever again but our tickets were bought and my brother was driving up from the Vaal so I couldn’t back out. When we got to Kleo’s house to pick her up she carried on as if she’d never sent those messages so I just pretended that nothing happened.
We actually had a great time at H2O and it was to date the last time I ever went to a rave. I danced for hours and enjoyed the good music and all the beautiful people. It was so cool to bump into many of our old clubbing friends and listening to my favourite D.J.’s. We stayed later than we normally did at H2O and decided to all go back to Kleo’s house for the usual “after-party”.
As the sun started coming up that Monday morning Kleo’s crystal started showing its ugly face again and she started having a go at me again.
At first I thought she was kidding around but when she wouldn’t stop I knew she wasn’t joking. She said I was weak and that I was such a liar. That I talk about God all the time but I surely don’t really believe in Him because I am still an addict… and on and on it went. She shattered my soul completely but that was not what made me break. When I looked at Seth for some support, some sort of defense, he just sat there, dead silent.
I stood up and looked at Kleo and Seth in disbelief. He knew I was on the verge of cracking up. The day before I had thrown things across the bedroom and eventually fell in a heap on the floor with anger at Kleo’s messages. He knew I was fragile! Surely when someone attacks the person you love you step in and tell them to back off? That’s what I would have done but then again, that was just typical of Seth – he’d never defended me before so I suppose it would have been too much to expect him to start doing so now.
I made him take us home, my brother in tow. We were still high and wired and feeling the strain of being awake the whole weekend so Seth went straight to the room and got onto the bed. I stormed in after him and demanded him to tell me why he was too pathetic to stand up for me. He just lay there staring at me blankly. I cried and screamed and lost it completely. I could NOT believe that this was what he would allow someone to do to me after everything we’d been through – after everything I’d tried to teach him, after all the love I gave him and after forgiving his lies all the time. In those moments I hated him so much.
I packed a bag with essentials and called my dad, asking him to please call my boss and tell her that I was very sorry for doing it this way but I would not be coming back to work. I was too ashamed to talk to her, especially knowing that they had given me a chance when in the beginning I’d slacked so much at work. I hated letting her down but I couldn’t go one step further. This was the time for me to let go of it all and run to safety.
Then, with my doggie and a few clothes, I went back home with my brother. When Seth closed the gate behind us he gave me the dirtiest, most disgusted look and I knew that he never loved me the way I’d loved him. Maybe two years before when we’d met the feelings were mutual, but not anymore. Now we weren’t even the same people anymore.