My Journey Through Darkness

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Chapter 5

January 2005 – February 2005

1 January 2005 – Saturday

It’s the first day of a brand new year, and I feel relieved that 2004 is over. It was by far and without a doubt the worst year of my life so far. I’m a bit unsure about how I feel about the New Year though, as it holds a lot of promise, but I feel slightly scared, and I’m not sure what for.

The main thing nagging at the back of my mind is my degree that I am meant to start this coming September. As it stands at the moment, I will be unable to finance myself through a three year degree without taking out a loan, which I refuse to do, and also, I don’t think Andrew will come down to Chichester with me, and the thought of this terrifies me.

At this stage I can’t imagine having to move and start a whole new life all over again, so soon, I just don’t have the energy as this past unsettled and unsettling year has left me exhausted. I just so long for something secure and stable.

I suppose each year I had some sort of plan, and it’s scary realizing I have no idea what I expect from this year ahead. I feel too tired to think about it, and my current struggle is so overwhelming that I can’t focus on much else. I have insomnia and it’s driving me insane, my mind will not stop for a minute to let me fall asleep. I lie in the dark, bored out of my mind; wish I could take something to just make me pass out.

7 January 2005 – Friday

This year started off with no sex, cold turkey and no money. Great start! I feel a bit scared. I’m still not healthy, feel tired and sore. Life feels a bit blurry and I keep wondering when I’ll feel normal again. I am still mad about Andrew though.

8 January 2005 – Saturday

In sleep, peaceful surrender, an angel.

Rough edges from battles fought, endearing.

Wild gentle passion so genuine, capturing.

Honest pure face value truth, a relief.

Kidnapped and gagged, no control.

Sensibility gone without a trace.

Prisoner of insane beautiful love.

In some crazy strange way I feel like our bond was broken for a while, thankfully, I now feel like it’s been healed and we’re finding that intimate connection again.

9 January 2005 – Sunday

We got through one week, working week. Monday to Friday, five days, and three and a half out of those five days were hell. Physically ill, chills, fever, puking, insomnia. Emotional and mental numbness, darkness, loneliness, frustration and irritation. So for two days life seemed to finally become clear again, I felt hopeful for a normal life to return.

If only we could do it now and then for fun, for a kick – and the kick is so much better when you haven’t done it for a while. It was becoming nasty, no more high, just irritation and disappointment, I was used to it and it maddened me.

Then, we cracked on Friday night. So it’s been another three days of light abuse, which I don’t think will bring us quite back to where we started off, but no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of that damn annoying fear at the back of my mind!

10 January 2005 – Monday

This loneliness has been eating away at me for ages now. Missing my family has become so strong and the more I see how close Andrew and his brother are, the more I miss a sense of belonging, of safety. I so desperately ache to feel a part of them and yet, I feel more and more like an outsider, like if it were to come down to it, I would be alone.

I so want some reassurance from Andrew and the more needy I get, the further away I am pushing him. These are my insane phases I go through sometimes and I fear so deeply that it will drive away the only person who personifies any form of security and safety. Without Andrew, I am nothing right now and the slightest hint of having to face that terrifies me beyond imagination.

I’m so scared that Andrew will not be able to deal with my need for safety and just get angry, not understand, and leave me. I so much wish that he needed me in some way, that he also prefers life with me in it, and be able to express that to me. I also wish he could see how heavily I carry our addiction on my shoulders. I feel like I am solely responsible for making us both stop. I have to fight my desires without help as well as not allowing Andrew to give in. I am also weak and I still have this fear that I am unable to do it for both of us.

I keep hearing the words, “This is the last time, I promise, in 2005 you will see a whole new side of me.” If I even hint at getting drugs, there is not the slightest resistance or hesitation to give in from his side. This hurts me so much because even though I admit I am also weak and sometimes I am the one to suggest it, there have been times – most times – where I have tried really hard. I would not suggest it; I would resist getting some, and spend all my energy encouraging and supporting.

Baby, please try with me. I don’t want our beautiful relationship to be based on this shit. It’s everyday again and I don’t know about you, but I miss all the great sex and being normal, I miss you and I miss me and I miss having money to go out and do nice things with, together. Please understand. I want us to have a normal, healthy life. I love you so much and am just trying to make it better. Be on my side…

January slowly showed me a huge change in Andrew. This was when I also started seeing our situation with spiritual eyes. The look in Andrew’s eyes did not belong to him anymore, but to the actual spirits taking over. I was looking straight into demonic entities that would stare right back, laughing and mocking… which only got worse as I acknowledged the spiritual realm.

11 January 2005 – Tuesday

I feel so weepy lately. I feel like I’m losing myself in a way. Lost and confused. I feel like I have to pick myself up again, and the thought of that makes me feel tired. I just wish I could go home for a while and be with my family, for a rest, for some comfort and familiarity. I need them to help me remember who I am, what I am capable of, that I am a part of a family, people who know me and love me like no one can.

I hate the way that if I didn’t have Andrew I would have nothing and no one. I am so grateful to have him at least. I have been so unbelievably and genuinely unhappy for a year; I wonder when it will end, when will I be happy again? What will make me happy? I don’t even remember anymore…

16 January – Sunday

This little girl excitement I feel cannot be contained. Andrew went to see his dad in Spain for the weekend and I cannot wait to see him in a few hours.

In a way this weekend has been good, I’ve had time to think and clear my mind. I feel a lot better about things, more positive.

It’s just not right going to sleep without Andrew cuddling me. I’m so glad this time apart is nearly over.

22 January – Saturday

I feel like everything is going horribly wrong lately. In the last couple of weeks it seems like something’s gone missing. We never just spend time together, talking, or making love. If it’s not work or Matt, it’s getting stoned. I don’t even feel like Andrew enjoys being with me anymore. He hasn’t told me he loves me out of his own for such a long time and very rarely initiates sex. I feel like if we were ever going to stop smoking drugs and just have a normal life, that I am solely responsible. Andrew knows so well how scared I am of it and that it’s also hard for me to say no, but lately whenever I suggest not having any, he flatly ignores me and then puts the weight on me, expecting me to stop and watch and wait while he carries on smoking. I so desperately want to stop this, but it’s also hard for me because I like it. At least in the beginning he used to agree that we need to stop, that he’d help me, and promised he wouldn’t let it affect our relationship… and we would try together, but lately… he just doesn’t seem to care anymore.

I don’t know if he can see that it’s affecting our relationship and us as people. I’m so emotional and depressed lately and he’s so careless and selfish in some ways. I know that’s not who Andrew is, Andrew is affectionate, caring, funny and passionate, but I haven’t seen that Andrew for a while now. The man I love so much is such a good person, who loves kissing me, touching me, talking to me, and listening to all my silly stories and gets upset when I’m unhappy. The man he’s becoming doesn’t seem to love me – or even know who I am – he doesn’t see that I want to help him; he is so impatient with me and says really nasty things sometimes.

Today, while we were waiting for our dealer in the cold on the street, I begged with Andrew for us to turn around and go home, without drugs. The man who walked away from me and yelled because I was crying, had a look in his eyes that I’d never seen, and those eyes did not belong to the Andrew I knew.

Today, I felt hurt by him. He made me feel like I meant nothing to him. I begged him not to get anything, I had so looked forward to a normal night together, but it seemed like he couldn’t care how I felt and then made me feel like I was only upset because I couldn’t have any, when in fact I didn’t want either of us to have any.

I miss Andrew so much, so very much. He used to make me feel so happy, so loved. I wish he would come back to his senses, see what he looks and sounds like. Lately he keeps going on that if it bothers me so damn much that I should stop then, but I can’t understand how he can’t understand that I need his help. That it does bother me, but I am too weak to just stop, and even if I did stop on my own, that I don’t want to be around him when he’s stoned all the time.

I wonder if Andrew knows how he made me feel today when he said he wasn’t one for choices, after I’d asked him to try for me, or I’d have to leave. He would’ve actually happily watched me walk away, right then and there. Drugs are starting to rule his life and it kills me to see him so weak and so dead. God, I miss my boyfriend so much!

The other night Andrew freaked out when I went through the messages on his phone – we have done this since we met, as a joke – but I understood and stopped doing it. Then, all of a sudden, there are messages from some other girl, and Andrew denies knowing who she is and what they’re about and later admits he knows her and even sent a message back. I can handle Andrew having friends, but lies? The worst is when he then makes me out to be a nosey, paranoid bitch when I question him. I feel like he’s hiding something from me and I feel I will be the idiot and one to get hurt in the end.

Even though he can see I doubt his feelings for me, he doesn’t try to convince me otherwise. What the hell is going on?

29 January 2005 – Saturday

Andrew read the last entry I wrote, and since then, I can feel a change, which is good. He’s become a lot more loving again and erased my doubts about his feelings for me. I still love him so deeply, and all my “going on” about things is only to try and save us from what this shit will eventually do to us.

31 January 2005 – Monday

I fear getting to a point where my own, strong willpower and strength of character fails, gives up, and allows the non-caring, give-in and let-go weakness to take control. I will be beyond helping myself and will have to hand myself over to anyone or anything to free me from this hell.

2 February 2005 – Wednesday

I know I’m just as human as you are, and I know sometimes it’s on my own accord. I know too, that this is not how I want to live; I know this doesn’t suit my character and I know it’s not worth it in the end.

I am more adamant than ever. I know I am better than this and have the power to take control again. And I will.

I have been a lot of things in my life, some of which also didn’t suit me, but this is so far removed from who I am, that this is the turning point, while I still know who I am meant to be.

I am at a crossroad, and it is now that I have to choose.

3 February 2005 – Thursday

I dug myself a little hole. Innocently I allowed this situation, without a hint of menace in my intention, and suddenly I find myself facing an awful chaos, a thick pool of mud I have sunk into, which only I can free myself from.

I fully accept responsibility for being in this mess. I am not ignorant enough to try and shift the blame, or have the slightest intention to ignore that I am responsible.

I am just tired of climbing these slippery, muddy walls of this hole, but worst of all, I am angry at myself for stepping into a hole which I made, for being so foolish after all I’ve learnt and to still make these childish mistakes.

I don’t even want to blame it on being human, with weakness; something like this is just unforgivably stupid.

Panic rose within me more violently than ever before. What I was experiencing was very different to anything I’d ever felt. I was recognizing the spiritual realm around me in every small thing. Even the look in Andrew’s eyes had changed. I could see that those were not his own eyes looking at me anymore, but the eyes of the very spirits inside of him: the evil possessing spirit of addiction. For some reason, even though I saw this, I still failed to see the good, clean, spirit of God inside myself until later on.

4 February 2005 – Friday

I will study this so intensely, in order to understand the exact physical process, in order to make others, even if it’s only ever just one, understand the process.

The tease, the temptation and attraction.

The entry, the sly trickery and subtle deception.

Then, the actual pathway through the veins, lungs and to the brain.

The extraction and slow painful release is the most crucial part.

Falling, not slowly, but plummeting down to a deadly crash.

When you are left to feel emptier than empty and craving to begin it all again.

It doesn’t even feel that good anymore.

6 February 2005 – Sunday

I am at my last scrap of tolerance. It has finally managed to affect every part of our lives and I wait patiently for a change to take place. I have given up fighting and complaining and going on about how this scares me, messes me up and hurts me.

I have tried every way I know how, I have simply loved unconditionally, never blaming or accusing, and I have been patient. I don’t know what more to do to help. Please God, take control of me, the weakness, and heal us back to the beauty of what was us. I do not love any less, I am just so terribly sad, so deeply hurt that this has taken control. Lord, please make it better. I miss it all, so very much.

I don’t feel welcome and I don’t feel like my efforts or my unconditional love is acknowledged. I am so bruised, and the empty promises, the dirty looks and sarcastic comments make me ache even more.

Baby, I know this is not who you really are, I know you do not mean to hurt me. This is why I will wait for this to end, so I can have the loving person you are, back. I miss you. I am so desperate to make love to you, to show how deeply I still love you. Just give me a little credit, so I know you see the things I do, and that I do them out of love for you.

7 February 2005 – Monday

I miss my boyfriend, the one who used to show his love for me, made me feel loved, and sexy. The way he looks at me is so hard, so empty and cold, it makes me feel like an enemy, and like I’m stupid. I feel so stupid sometimes, for not being able to be hard as well, for feeling so easily hurt and for trusting and loving so deeply.

Doesn’t he see how hard I try? That through these months of facing inner struggles, hurts and loneliness, I try so hard not to let it show too much, not to cry each time I feel like it, for his sake. I try so hard to be supportive, to help his problem and to be patient. I guess I’m the fool in the end; perhaps I should not care so much or try so hard.

I so desperately need his support sometimes, I need to know he cares if I’m sad and I need him to be patient when I ask stupid questions.

I love him so much, so insanely much, but this stuff has changed him. He doesn’t seem to care about anything. I miss the way he used to look at me, smile at me, say loving things to me, and most of all, the way he used to make love to me. Gently, lovingly, wildly, passionately, and the way he loved to make love to me, wanted to, needed to, told me how he loved it too.

I pray: for patience, for strength, and for wisdom, to know how to help, to make it better and to be supportive.

I feel so alone. I wish Andrew could see I’m on his side, and not against him and I wish he would make me feel like he’s on my side and not push me away.

I love you baby, please don’t allow this nasty shit to break us apart. We are such a beautiful couple. We belong together, are so good together. I can do as much as I am humanly capable of, but I can’t do it for both of us, I cannot be you or change you or be strong for you, but I can hold your hand if you need me to. I love you.

10 February 2005 – Thursday

The time has come to make some serious changes, for my wellbeing, and in all respects – mentally, intellectually, emotionally and physically.

I am twenty-three and I feel about eighty. I am always tired; I can’t even walk somewhere without getting out of breath. My body aches for no reason and I don’t feel sexy. So, I’m going to buy a bicycle for a start, and perhaps when my finances start stabilizing, I will start going to dance classes again.

As for the rest, I will have the energy to think of ways to strengthen my mind when I am physically healthier.

One thing at a time, one day at a time…

11 February 2005 – Friday

I am a drug addict. This does not mean I am already physically addicted, or not addicted, just the fact that my mind likes it, makes me an addict. This does not mean, either, that I am a worse person or a better person than he who is not an addict.

It means I am who I am, being a human being and experiencing life the way I am destined to, because of who I am and who I am meant to be.

I have seen so much, lived so many dreams. I have breathed the air of the Alps, the ocean, the pollution of cities and the smoke in clubs. There are too many things to list on these pages. There is a point I mean to raise and this is it: Is it enough? Do I recoil, sit back, and accept my fortune to have been able to snatch a glimpse of a life I have dreamed of, be grateful for a moment’s bliss, and resign myself to continue on my old path of battlefields filled with pain?

Then, it was that exact comfortable bliss and dream-like perfection of a life which pushed me to seek out a new challenge, aware that it may be another war to fight, although hopeful that it would be brief, with a victory even more rewarding.

I now know the reason for my continuous angst, my never-ending frustration. This time there is no one to depend on for help; I am solely responsible for moving in a new direction, and thus far I have only managed to sink further down, away from my dreams and any form of victory.

I fear weakness, solitude. I know I did it once before, overcame these two things, but I cannot be sure if it was due to all participating circumstances and luck, which made it an enjoyable experience, but the thought of choosing to dislocate myself from my present situation, which is semi-comfortable though destructive, tires me. And scares me.

13 February 2005 – Sunday

This is all so wrong suddenly. I feel like shit, and I am sad and angry. Everything has changed. Our personalities, our attitudes, our sex drives, our love for each other… to mention but a few things.

Lies and stealing, no true effort to stop, loss of sex drive and affection. I am worried, terrified, as I don’t know how to help, and add in fact, by joining in. I must show more strength… but where do I find this?

14 February 2005 – Monday (Valentine’s Day)

I have an idea of how this may turn out, and whichever way it does; it will be up to me to make it happen. Slowly though, this thought isn’t so scary anymore. There’s obviously still some strength in me, this defensive, but definite fight I feel rising in me each time. It is God inside my spirit, giving me this frame of mind and I know if I don’t listen to this voice soon, I will kill it and then I will not have Him to help me get out of this.

I am going to dedicate my life to helping people with drug problems, doesn’t matter how, but I feel so passionate about doing something to make a difference.

16 February 2005 – Wednesday

I need help, any form of help. A pill, a friend, a scare, a shock, a hand, a shoulder, some hope. Something, even small, to give me a tiny boost. I know I can do it, it’s not like I’m too lazy to face the struggle and giving in, I just need a little help. But I can’t, no matter how hard I try, think of what it is that will make that small difference.

I’m beginning to feel like I’m not as strong as I’d like to believe, that I am pathetic, and do not have much willpower. I give in too easily, I am tempted too easily. I am weak… but I am a strong person, I have survived many fights, it’s because I’m choosing to be weak, because it’s simply easier that way.

By the middle of February I became so panicked that I started crying out to anyone and anything for help. At this time, I received a call from a girl called Monica, which was extremely out of the blue. Monica was one of the girls I’d met from the Hillsong Church and I hadn’t seen her since the previous October.

Monica wanted to know how I was doing and what I’d been up to since she last saw me. I hesitated to tell her my problem; I was so ashamed of what I’d become, but I needed help. I was too desperate however, so I put my pride away and told Monica that I needed to get together to talk to her about something.

We sat down over coffee a few days later, on a Wednesday afternoon and I broke down. Crying, I told Monica everything, not leaving out any details. It was the very first time I was sharing this with anyone and I realized that day how I’d been carrying this ever-growing fear on my shoulders.

The love of Jesus in this girl looked at me with such sympathy, compassion and understanding. I couldn’t quite believe that I was not being judged or condemned. After chatting to me for a few hours, Monica asked me if I would like to speak to one of the church’s counsellors, who could possibly provide me with some help.

I said yes, anything, anything to help! Please! I craved to speak to anyone who might be able to help me understand what I needed to do to get out of this mess.

Within a week Belinda, a Hillsong counsellor, contacted me. We kept making dates to meet up, but I kept on cancelling. My life had become a matter of going straight to work and back home, never going anywhere else. Going to work was vital to earn money in order to provide drugs. After cringing through the hours at work, I found the need to rush home to spend my time with Andrew and to get stoned. Belinda was persistent though, and she forced me to meet one night directly after work on my way home.

We sat down and I soon spilled my life story to Belinda. At this stage I never had a cent to spare on anything but drugs. So having Belinda buy me a cup of coffee at Starbucks was like a Christmas present. To my surprise, Belinda did not frown upon my confessions of my drug addiction. She did not tell me I was a bad person or that it was my problem to deal with. She simply listened quietly as I told her, tears spilling down my face.

I left the coffee shop and got on a bus to go home, feeling a little better. I didn’t have any new solutions to my problem, but I certainly was left with a few questions I needed to find the answers to. I had to go home to meditate on how God saw me. I had to get to know the daughter of our Lord Jesus all over again. I had been putting myself down so much that I had lost myself in this whole mess. Belinda gave me a few scriptures to read and prayed for me. She offered me “extra support” if I wanted it, but I felt that going to a clinic wasn’t really necessary. After all, I wasn’t that addicted yet! Or was I?

But I had a new sense of faith and the comfort in knowing that God was still my Father. He and only He could save me from this darkness!

17 February 2005 – Thursday

I kept wondering what it was that caused this voice inside my head each and every time I would inhale from the pipe. Without fail, I tell you! Each and every time – the same thoughts would cloud my brain, as if they were the very substance I have inhaled from the pile of ash, through the bottle and along the tube into my very soul.

Now, I know. Without a doubt. It is God, who lives in me. Each time I take a breath of chemical smoke, I inhale the work – oh, the very subtle work – of Satan and his demons of addiction and narcotics into my being. It is the Holy –clean and pure – Spirit in my heart, which rises in defence – so violently – in protection of me, against the tiny, laughing, subtle evil spirits.

I just thank the Holy Spirit, Father God and Jesus, for not forsaking me. It has, after all, been my own, unjustifiably human weakness, which chose to be tempted. It was by my own pride and stubbornness that I foolishly thought that I, as a human being, could control this and not allow it to take the lead.

But somehow, God knows, as He knows all of us so intimately, that sometimes we do make stupid mistakes, that we forget Him and do things our own way, which mostly leads to trouble. As He knows this, He always stands by, waiting, till we finally fall and reach out for His hand, which He holds out to us without question or less love.

As I felt the Holy Spirit inside of me, I started fighting even harder and felt a little more hopeful. God began to show His reality every day, in the smallest things.

One morning, as I was sitting on the nr 220 bus on my way to work, I felt as miserable as ever. I sat there thinking about the fact that neither Andrew nor I had any money, food or even cigarettes. I was dreading having to bum a few pounds from someone at work for bus money to get home after work.

Just then, a black lady got onto the bus and came to sit next to me. She immediately held out her hands for me to take into mine. “Feel my hands, they’re freezing,” she said to me with smiling eyes. This took me totally by surprise. In London, on a Monday morning no one talks to anyone on public transport. People are tired and sleepy; sometimes they even look angry, all on their way to work. I took her hands anyway and rubbed them warm in my gloved ones.

The lady suddenly looked me right in my eyes and said, “You have blessed me this morning, you know? Did you go to church yesterday?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had promised Belinda to come to church, but the day beforeAndrew and I had managed to get hold of a few pounds and treated ourselves to a few rocks. I just couldn’t get the energy to leave my crack and get dressed for church, so the different service-times passed by. Instead of going to church I’d spent the whole day sitting on a couch with Andrew, smoking drugs and feeling guilty.

“No,” I answered the woman, “but I meant to. You know, you have blessed me more than you can ever know.” Tears formed in my eyes. “I am facing a very hard struggle in my life right now.”

The lady quickly got out a black hardcover exercise book and said, “Where are you getting off?”

“The next stop…”

“Good, me too, then we can fellowship. There is something God wants me to tell you.”

We both got off the bus and she opened the book… “Here, I think, Jeremiah, go home and read this.”

Just then my connecting bus arrived and I had to hurry not to be late for work again. I thanked the lady profusely and watched her through the window of the bus until she disappeared down the street. I cried all the way to work. How did this woman know to speak to me? I was so filled with pain, but somehow, God knew to bring me a little comfort, to let me know He had not forsaken me. I immediately called Andrew to tell him about the angel I had met on the bus.

22 February 2005 – Tuesday

I don’t have the faintest clue how, but I know in me that I will stop this.

Perhaps… mmm… I will writhe in pain, sweaty, angry, frustrated and indescribably uncomfortable. For a few days. Alone. Crying. Definitely angry. But willing. Determined. Facing the agony head on. Because this will not win.

What I have in me is so much greater, stronger, more beautiful, and I have total peace that this in me, is the spirit, which will never stop fighting, never give in or lie down in defeat. Even if I feel I will die in pain, this spirit will battle all the way to victory, no matter how much blood needs to be shed.

But then… maybe, I don’t know… maybe it will be by another form of pain. Maybe I will have to stand by, step back to watch the melting of a thing once so great, so incomparable.

25 February 2005 - Friday

Never in anyone’s life, can a person understand how this can ruin a life, and not just throw it off course, or knock it over, but properly slam it down and trample over it until it is a pile of rotten pulp, never to be restored to functional operation.

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