My Journey Through Darkness

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Chapter 9

September 2005 to December 2005

As September rolled along, I started seeing my beloved club scene in a whole different light. I had never stopped praying for God to release me from the clubbing and I still desired to help people and work for God. I knew that I was being a hypocrite, preaching to people while on drugs myself, but I couldn’t stop. It was too hard for me to stay alone at home on weekends. My only friends were people from clubs and all they really did was to go clubbing. It left me having to be by myself if I wanted to stay away from the clubs.

It was on the Sunday of my 24th birthday, 18 September when a big change occurred in my spirit. It started on the Saturday night as I worked a shift behind the bar at Nirvana until six in the morning. I had planned to spend the rest of the day with George, Nate and Chrissy in a park. After cashing up, the manager told me that I could only get my salary after about ten because the girl who pays the money was at home sleeping for a while. So I was forced to stay a little later than planned.

This was when I made the vital mistake of having a disco biscuit, thinking I’d enjoy the few hours on it and then go to the park later. Now, a disco biscuit is like an ecstasy pill but it is very strong and also has traces of acid in it, which enhances the visual effects of the trip. I’d had plenty of discos before so my body was quite used to the pills. This one disco, however, gave me hallucinations I’d always known were there but had never seen for myself.

After popping it, I soon noticed that this pill was different from the other’s I’d had previously. Each person I looked at suddenly looked horrific. Their faces contorted into demonic expressions and the uncomfortable air around me felt cold and suffocating. I could smell evil all around me. I sat down on a couch in the funky house dance floor and watched in disbelief as my legs convulsed, my hands shook and my jaw jumped uncontrollably. I had “clutched out” on pills before, when one simply has to lie back, let your jaw shiver and enjoy the rush with the music... but shaking and twitching like this had never happened before.

I managed to finally get up and took a walk outside into the courtyard, feeling lost and confused, unable to speak or listen to anyone. At one point I looked over at one of the D.J.’s lying back on a couch. His face was a pasty grey, dark eyes sunken deep into his skull, jaw shaking and eyeballs rolling in all directions. I freaked out and said, “Hey, dude, snap out of it!” He half opened an eye and managed to focus on me, “I paid good money to look like this.”

That was just about as much as I could handle. I turned around and walked away, back to the dance floor, away from all the voices saying, “Shame, she’s having a bad trip today, she’s freaking out.” I knew drugs, I knew about hallucinations and bad trips. In fact, I used to love hallucinating ever since I’d taken mushrooms in Amsterdam at the time. This however, I believed, could not just be blamed on a “bad trip”. This was reality, the spirit realm. I felt like the heavy, evil air was laughing at me, tormenting me. I almost wished I could yell at everyone, “Is this normal to you? Can’t you see that there is something wrong with this picture?”

Even poor George didn’t know what to do with me that day. Later that evening he told me that I’d come across to him as extremely arrogant and selfish, that I would sit next to him and suddenly look at him as if he was dirt. I couldn’t remember acting that way at all. All I knew was that I felt like I was on another planet, always trying to figure out what was going on around me.

Chrissy and Julia had had a fight that day and everyone seemed to have had a terrible time on my 24th birthday. No one could understand that I was freaking out and I felt extremely alone the entire day.

Now I thank God for what I’d experienced, because I believe that my eyes were opened to the spiritual realm. It was a major teaching in the reality of clubbing, which most people regard as harmless. I suddenly realized that this was one of Satan’s biggest playgrounds. Young people were subtly convinced that going to clubs week after week to get completely trashed and dance like hooligans as if under a spell was normal. In the meantime, the music and friendliness that comes with it is just a cover up of a lifestyle that in fact destroys lives.

When I thought about it, I discovered the hard truth. These people may not be addicted to drugs as such and only do them on weekends, but all of these people were addicted to clubbing, and through using drugs on a recreational basis, they slowly were losing themselves. It still harmed our bodies and especially our minds and emotional states. We would go out from Friday to Sunday and then spend the week recovering, fighting to feel normal and not so tired anymore, only to repeat the whole cycle again the next Friday. Ravers seldom spend their time having dinner parties, going to the movies or doing any of the normal activities people do for fun. Tell me that we don’t have a problem!

One of the last good times I had going out was when I went with a few friends to see Tiesto, the world’s number one DJ, on the 26th of September. After that, each time I went out, the hallucinations became crueller and the evil air so thick that I thought it would eventually smother me to death.

22 November 2005 – Tuesday

It’s been an unbelievable three months since I wrote in this journal. I guess it’s as the saying goes; “Time flies when you’re having fun.” I must say, only some of the time has been fun but most of it has been a struggle I wasn’t prepared for. Is one ever prepared?

The past months have been filled with George, drugs, Nirvana and a few other clubs. I am so desperate to get away from all this as not only am I living the opposite of what I intended, but I’m also destroying my mind and body with the lack of sleep or decent meals.

Cal has told me that the landlord wants to move into our flat end of December so we are forced to move. She will go back to London and I have decided to move to Pretoria and share with Waylon, my old friend from high school. I move on the 17th of December and I can’t wait. I know it will be life-changing as my few friends like Waylon and William in Pretoria don’t go clubbing or do any drugs, so it will be easier to spend time doing normal things again.

The year came to a close in the same fashion as it had rolled along since my arrival back in South Africa. However, changes were coming over me. Changes that I’d only started noticing late in the year. While discussing the past few months with George, I suddenly saw a few things for what they were. I had changed, in many ways, and even though I kept on feeling like I was losing my battle due to my own weaknesses, there were so many good points I’d failed to see...

I had become closer to God than I had ever before in my life. Although I was spending all my time in the most ungodly places and living a very unclean life, inside I was drawing closer to God more than ever, and my convictions were stronger as well.

Throughout my entire life I had been able to do things that I knew were wrong, but somehow managed to shove the guilty feelings aside and carry on without caring… For the first time ever, I couldn’t do this no matter what I tried. I had become so honest with myself that sometimes it was embarrassing, but I couldn’t lie about anything anymore. It was purely for my own sake, as I didn’t care what anyone else knew or thought about me. I knew who and what I was and I wanted to be true to myself.

I had also become completely self-satisfied and fulfilled without having a boyfriend. In fact, it felt good to be single for a change and I couldn’t imagine being with someone. I was also uncompromising. I believed I deserved a great man, with specific qualities: a man who understood the drug scene and a man of God. I didn’t even feel panicked or afraid that I might not find this man. I knew God was in control and that He would send him my way when I was ready. I was also prepared to be single for as long as I needed to be, depending on what God’s will was.

All these attributes felt good to me, I liked the way I was thinking and even though I was still struggling with certain things, I felt proud that I had become honest with myself.

2 December 2005

There is a change in me, I feel it. I am still struggling to let go of clubbing as it is the only place I have friends and I have become used to this lifestyle. I will not bow to it though. My desire for going to clubs is diminishing and the desire to be in complete right standing with God is growing every day. My desire to stop all of it is so strong lately, I want to so desperately help others, all these people I see around me each day who are being snatched up by the scene and eaten alive, without them even knowing what is happening. I have this sick feeling in me when I’m in these places… the dirty clubs and the dirty feeling on my skin from the Cat or the pills… it is all such filth and I am unbelievably tired of being among all the dirt.

6 December 2005 – Tuesday

I feel sad that I haven’t written for so long, afraid that my feelings, emotions, plans and changes are lost, not to be remembered or looked over again. Life has been madness in the past few months… destructive and crazy. One healthy, good thing in my life has been the change in me regarding sex and love. I have been so happy not having a relationship, and have had no desire to be with anyone either. My sex drive has disappeared; I cannot be physical anymore without having feelings. This is so different to how I’ve been my whole life.

Then things changed a little… I met a beautiful blue-eyed boy who stole my heart and soul with one sneaky smile.

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