Chapter 22: Panic Attack (Part 1)
The minute their car was off our street and out of sight I stormed over to her house needing to get some things off my chest. I’d been waiting long enough and I couldn’t wait anymore. I knocked for what felt like forever before her mom finally answered the door.
“David why in the hell are knocking on my door like a maniac?” She snapped clearly pissed at me. I groaned ignoring her question.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but I have to tell her. She needs to know. This damn secret has been eating me up since day one.” I blurted watching as she paled as she realized what I was saying. “I need to tell her.”
“You aren’t doing a damn thing boy. If you want to keep her around, if you want to be able to bloom your pathetic little crush into something more then you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut.” She glared at me as I returned the look just as vicious if not more.
“I don’t have a pathetic little crush that I’m trying to force into being something more. I love your daughter and the only thing stopping me from acting on it is the fact that you paid me nearly seven thousand dollars to be her friend. However, it’s not going to matter that I only accepted the money because I wanted my truck. It’s not going to matter that she had me hooked from the first time she uttered a word to me. When I tell her she’s going to think that it was all a lie. She’s going to hate me and it’ll be all my fault, but I’m prepared for it. I’m telling her.” I spat more confident than I felt. There was more as too why she would hate me, but I couldn’t stomach her thinking of me like that. I can deal with her thinking I was a liar and a fuckboy.
“Before you can get the chance to tell her anything David, I will forbid her to hang around you and when she asks why I’ll say it’s because you killed a girl. Now get the fuck out of my house!” She yelled as I gasped.
“H-how d-did y-you-?” I stuttered, unable to complete the question.
“Your mother has a big mouth. Bye now.” She smirked as she held the door open for me. It was no point in hiding my defeat. She was right. She held my biggest regret over me and she won with it. Maria could possibly forgive the money, but she would always be afraid of me if she knew I was responsible for someone’s death. I reiterate, I wouldn’t be able to stomach her thinking of me as a murder.
I needed to distract myself. Get my mind off of the flashbacks attacking me. It was my fault. Everyone knew it was my fault. My clothes felt like they were melting into my skin. It was like I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight and I could feel the tears running down my cheeks.
It was my fault.
She was my next door neighbor. We had grown up together since our parents took turns babysitting. She was easy to talk to and gave me the best girl advice. She wasn’t really my type dating wise, so we easily became best-friends.
It was my fault.
I should have walked home with her after the game, but I was the only freshman on the varsity team. I wanted to hang with the popular kids. Hell I wanted to be one of them.
I didn’t know.
It was my fault.
I didn’t know about the things the older kids did. I didn’t know about how wild they could get. I didn’t know that they played games with death trying to figure out how long they could cheat it. I didn’t know she would be out still. I didn’t know she went looking for me. I didn’t know how intoxicated he was as he took another swig before taking a long drawl from the joint. I didn’t know she was that bump we hit. I didn’t know she was the thump on top of the car. I didn’t know that she was crying out for help because the music was too loud. I didn’t know that the two minutes I spent listening to the older kids praise my skills was all it took for her to take her final breath.
I didn’t know and it killed me not to know.
It really was all my fault.
My throat was closing up as I gasped for air, the guilt settling deep within me. If I had just walked home with her then it wouldn’t have even happened. She would still be here because they wouldn’t have been on our street. I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve stopped her from dying.
It’s my fault. It’s all my fault and I deserved this panic attack that was closing off my airways.
It was my fault.
Dad spent our entire time together teasing me about Dave and then randomly getting serious. I had to swear on the restaurants menu that I wasn’t having sex and if our food came back nasty, he’d know I was lying. It was such a flawed logic, but he made me laugh. It was something I needed as flashbacks kept coming to mind.
I could feel his hands all over me as our tongues battled for dominance. I could taste the passion radiating off of him. His mouth still tasted of the strawberries I had packed for our lunch and briefly I wondered how. He was touching me everywhere he could for as long as he could. We both knew that this moment would end soon, but we basked in the gloriousness of what it was.
“You’re so beautiful.” he mumbled against my lips as his hands began to palm at my breast massaging them so wonderfully.
“Mickey…” I moaned before his lips once again captured mine. I gave up on trying to speak. Clearly I wasn’t going to be able to get any words out. Our hands began to move like they had a mind of their own. I could feel his hands on my skin as they slid down my torso before undoing the button on my jeans.
I gasped feeling his fingers go underneath my underwear and begin to rub my sensitive bud. It had been so long since I last felt this kind of euphoria that I almost came right then and there. As if intending too, my hands had mimicked his actions and before I knew it a hard penis was in my hand. He was so thick I couldn’t even try to force the tip of my fingers to touch without hurting him. I took notice of his length as my small hand stroked him gently, pumping him until he was practically humping my hand.
Once again, that need for more was filling me. As he kissed and sucked on my neck that need only grew.
“Sweetie do you want dessert?” He asked, breaking me from the memory. I shook my head before shrugging and checking my phone for the time.
“It’s getting kind of late dad.” I sighed.
“It’s never enough time when you’re with the prettiest girl in the world.” He smiled as I blushed.
“Fine. Want to split an ice-cream brownie with fudge with me?” I caved. I knew I would, but I didn’t expect it to be so easy.
“Sure.” He smiled before calling the waiter over to place the order and when the waiter left he looked at me with a look that scared me.
“Sweetie, I know you’re almost seventeen now and your life is getting a bit busier, but I want you to remember that this will never change. I will always be here. Even when I’m gone I’m only a phone call away. I will always drop everything I’m doing and answer that call. Never again will I miss a call, and if you tell me that you need me I will come home instantly. No questions asked.” He grabbed my hand from across the table as water filled his eyes. I sighed, for once understanding how much my actions back then really hurt him. Finally seeing how much having me as his daughter scared him.
“Daddy, you have to stop beating yourself up over that night. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have been drinking at all. It was all my fault.”
“Whatever you did doesn’t give some random asshole permission to almost hurt you. It’s not your fault at all. Luckily someone heard your cries and came to help.” he deadpanned. It was too bad he didn’t know what had been happening since. The rumors only made me wish I could remember something more than I did.
“I wish I could remember who so I could thank them profusely.”
“Me too Bug, me too.” I held my head down suddenly feeling sick. I didn’t remember much of that night, but I didn’t like what I did remember.
It was freshman year, a time when Clarissa and I were friends. We were celebrating being the only freshman to make varsity cheer and had been invited to one of the upperclassmen parties. Clarissa begged and begged me to go and because she was one of the few friends I had I didn’t want to disappoint her. Now I wished I had stuck to my original plan.
Seconds after we arrived she kept shoving drinks into my hand saying I needed to relax and have some fun. Most of them I had poured out.
I was fine.
I was still coherent.
I wasn’t drunk.
Then that last drink came and it hit me like a boulder. I was swaying and knocking into people. One minute Clarissa was gone and the next she was on side of me helping me up the stairs. She kept saying how I just needed to lay down for a second. She promised she would wait with me. Then she left.
I was still in and out of it. My head was killing me and then I heard the door open and close. The voice was garbled, but it was definitely deeper than Clarissa’s. Whoever it was started touching on me trying to tug off my pants. I felt weak as I struggled to stop him. Before everything went black I heard a scream pierce my ears and only hope that it was mine.
The following Monday all kinds of rumors were out about me. Clarissa had stopped talking to me and I went into my shell. Dad said someone brought me home with a note saying they stopped what was about to happen. I cried for two weeks straight feeling dirty. They may have not done the deal, and from what I remembered, they’d still done more than I was comfortable with. Dad was there and all mom could do was get mad because my status at school fell.
“Daddy can we please?” I whispered tears in my eyes.
“Go wait in the car. I’ll get the bill.” He rushed as I got up and practically ran out of the restaurant. My chest was tight as I choked out sobs feeling disgusting all over again. The more that night played in my head the more I realized Clarissa had set me up. Why would she do something like that? It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I screamed my lungs out as my door suddenly opened before I realized it was just my dad. He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear that he was there as I just cried.
I didn’t talk as we drove home. I didn’t talk when we got home and neither did he. He just let me cry until I was nothing more than a few whimpers and some sniffles. He helped me upstairs completely ignoring my mom’s pacing. She was upset about something, but I was feeling too drained to even pretend to care. Dad kissed my cheek before leaving me alone. I turned my light on and found myself staring out my window wishing that he knew I needed him without me having to ask.
To my surprise my eyes found his brown ones. He looked like hell. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he was seconds away from passing out. My phone vibrated scaring me.
Dave: Are you okay?
He asked. I shook my head no as more tears came to my eyes.
Dave: Give me a sec.
Was all he texted. I didn’t know what he meant, but I wasn’t feeling bothered enough to ask. I was numb and I just wanted to hide under my covers. Going into my closet I changed into a pair of black spanks and a red tank top. My bra was off and my feet were free from the heels I insisted on wearing.
I was getting ready to turn the light back off when there was a knock on the window. I gasped, my heart pounding from fear before I realized it was only Dave. His eyes were swollen as if he’d been crying also. He was shirtless although it was kind of a chilly night. I moved aside allowing him to come in through the window. Even though he was only wearing a pair of pajama pants we were still matching.
We both stood there staring at each other in silence before he pulled me into a hug. A sobbed escaped me before I could help it as I felt teardrops hitting my shoulder. It was clear that something was bothering him, but right now wasn’t the time to ask him about it. It was a silent confirmation that he needed this night together as much as I did. He led us over to my bed before we laid down. I was confused about what to do so I just laid on my side unmoving.
“Minnie?” He asked, breaking the silence we’d been building.
“Yes Mickey.” My voice sounded as shaky and worn as his, but it was something we had to ignore.
“Can I please hold you?” He asked, his voice breaking halfway through. I only nodded as I scooted closer to him. Whatever was wrong with him would have to wait another day to be found out. Right now silence was what we needed.