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The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard

By sarahtipper All Rights Reserved ©

Drama / Humor

Blurb

The year is 1997. Cleo Howard is at a very awkward age, she’s sure she’s an adult, so why won’t everyone realise this? Why won’t her chest realise this? Why is Maths so hard? When will she stop feeling sad that her Dad doesn’t live with her and her Mum? Music and men are her twin fascinations and she thanks Almighty Lemmy for metal and mates. Her diary, which you now hold in your hands, is home to her deepest thoughts, fondest wishes and often what she had for tea.

January 1997

January

Wednesday 1st January 1997

Happy New Year, Dear Diary. You were a present from Aunty Alice who always sends a book of some sort. You have a plain cover so I’m going to customise you and then you can help me record all the amazing stuff that happens to me this year. Big responsibility I know, but I’m also putting my Kerrang! 1997 year planner up on my wall by my bed so you don’t have to remember stuff for me, you can just chronicle all the epic adventures I have. Right now my planner looks a bit bare. I am fourteen and ten months old, surely my life should be more exciting by now. I need to sort this out...

I’m eating After Eights at five pm, I’m a chocolate maverick!

Thursday 2nd January

Resolutions:

1.Stop worrying about my boobs. They will grow when they’re ready.

2.Try harder at Maths. I know I’m not thick but sometimes in Maths I feel well duncey.

3.Stop being shy around men I like. Talk to people instead of leaving it to Jenni and Ian.

4.Take my mugs and plates downstairs.

5.Stop feeling sad that Dad doesn’t live with us.

6.Put my washing in the laundry basket.

7.Clean out Mustaine’s bowl regularly.

Friday 3rd January

I just re-read yesterday’s entry, Dear Diary, and realised I should point out that Mustaine is my goldfish. I named him because Dave Mustaine is ginger (like me and my goldfish) and because Dave Mustaine is an awesome guitar god who would be welcome in my bedroom any day (Mum would have to be out obviously).

Today Jenni and I went into town to look at the sales. We went to HMV, Woolworths, C&A, Heelas and Jacksons. I love Jacksons. It is on Jackson’s corner and it’s like stepping into “Are You Being Served?” Everything is wooden and old fashioned, even the faces of the sales assistants. There is a haberdashery department and solid old lady bras and no fashionable clothes whatsoever. Jenni and I like to look at the beads in the haberdashery and at the jewellery.

I always expect to see Mrs Slocombe but she must be on a tea break when I go in or attending to her pussy! I did see the lady who sold me my first bra last year. I blushed but I don’t think she recognised me (would she have recognised me with my top off Dear Diary? Or did she see me and think there’s a 32A? Would you go a bit weird if you saw boobs all day?)

We decided to save our money to spend in the pub. Then we called for Ian. His Dad was out so we watched Spinal Tap. I can’t decide if Nigel Tufnel or David St Hubbins is the fittest.

Saturday 4th January

After much reflection I think David St Hubbins is the fittest. I’ve literally been thinking about this since yesterday so it’s not a snap decision. I usually like dark haired men, so I needed to be sure.

Tonight at the Green Man (Reading’s best pub, Dear Diary) there was me, Ian, Jenni, Bob and Simon The Raspberry. I love going to the pub. We sat in a corner by a fireplace. There was great stuff played on the jukebox: Megadeth’s “In My Darkest Hour”, Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark at the Moon”, Slayer’s “Angel of Death” and Entombed’s “Demon”.

Ian is worried about his Grandad. He is in hospital and is not expected to live for much longer. His Dad and his Nan are going to the hospital to visit every day. Ian is going to see him tomorrow. We tried to take his mind off it by posing important dilemmas like would he rather marry Doro Pesch, Gwen Stefani, Courtney Love, The Great Kat or Lita Ford? He said he’d need to date them all for a bit to decide.

Saturday nights have the potential to be very exciting. Jenni is always secretly hoping we’ll see Lex from the sixth form or Darren from the year above. Lex is one letter short of sex and Jenni thinks he’s the Goth equivalent of the bee’s knees or the dog’s bollocks. He’s sort of the bat’s wings Dear Diary. Also his name sounds like Lux, as in Lux Interior from The Cramps. Darren, while not a Goth, is a very fit metal head, and Jenni calls him Dazzling Darren (in private and in her head, not out loud, that would be weird).

I’m always sort of hoping that we’ll see Tyrannosaurus Reg. He’s in the year above me and was named Reginald after his Grandad. Everyone calls him Tyrannosaurus Reg or T-Reg because Reg is such an old fashioned name. He’s got long brown hair and brown eyes. He’s much more likely to go out with Ella or Lizzie than with me though. They are the two metal girls in the year above, both of whom Ian likes. However, he knows he has no chance with older women. He also likes a few girls in our year. His current fave is Natalie West, but she doesn’t know it and I’m sworn to secrecy.

The brilliant thing about going to the pub is that we could meet new people that don’t even go to our school. The not brilliant thing about the pub is that I’m always too shy to talk to new people.

Sunday 5th January

I realise, Dear Diary, I haven’t introduced you to people who were at the pub last night. Ian and Jenni are my best mates at school. Jenni is the only Goth in our year. She’s tall and smart and beautiful. Ian is tall and I suppose he’s handsome but I don’t see him that way. Ian and Jenni keep me sane when Mum is arsey (a long sad story Dear Diary, involving a marriage split). I actually rather like school (except Maths and P.E.) because I get to see my mates. Bob and Simon The Raspberry are metal heads in the year above me at school. It’s interesting knowing older people. Last year I didn’t know what a blow job was so Bob demonstrated using a banana. I still can’t look at a banana without blushing but at least I will never be in the embarrassing situation of actually blowing now I know that this is not what you do. Simon gets his name because he spits a bit when he speaks (only a teeny bit, nothing like the Roy Hattersley Spitting Image puppet) and when he was overexcited once he made a raspberry noise.

I took the Christmas decorations down today. This is always my job. Before Mum and Dad separated me and Dad used to put up and take down the decorations together. Mum used to make mince pies for us when we put them up and bacon sandwiches when we took them down.

One of the tiny shiny red parcel decorations with gold ribbon wrapped round it came unravelled when I was undecorating today. I was fascinated by these pretend presents as a child and I wondered what was in them. It’s a block of polystyrene. That’s another one of the mysteries of childhood that turns out to be disappointing, like the day I found out Sylvania is a real place but isn’t populated by cute animal families, just normal people or like the day I found out what Dad was hiding on top of the wardrobe (my suspicion was sweets) and it was just some playing cards with pictures of ladies in their bra and pants.

Monday 6th January

Back to school today. I wore the leather biker jacket I got for Christmas. Tyrannosaurus Reg from the year above admired it. He felt my shoulder to see if it was real leather! He touched me for about three whole seconds! I think he got aftershave for Christmas because he smelt really pungent. It was nice but I think your eyes would water if you stood too close to him for long. I could sort of feel it in the back of my throat. I sniffed the shoulder of my jacket at home later but I couldn’t smell anything except leather.

Mum doesn’t work on Mondays, Dear Diary, so she expects me home unless I have a really good excuse. I sometimes do homework on Mondays but we didn’t get any today. I watched my Dusk Til Dawn video. I hope I grow boobs like Santanico Pandemonium.

Tuesday 7th January

Ian came round after school and we ate the last two mince pies and the last of the squirty cream. There are only icky orange creams left in the tin of Roses. Farewell Christmas, you were wonderful while you lasted. I love Christmas so much that I can’t help being sad when it’s over. It was better when Mum and Dad were together but it’s still mostly brilliant.

Wednesday 8th January

Ian’s Grandad Alf died yesterday evening. I asked Ian if he was okay. He said he sort of was and he sort of wasn’t. His Grandad had been ill for ages. His Dad said he still has to go to school and after school he has to go straight home.

I walked Ian home today then I went to the library. I prefer the actual library to the school library. There’s more choice and people don’t draw penises in books from the actual library. I get most of my books from the adult section now (where people are adult enough to have seen penises so don’t feel the need to draw them). I’ve read almost everything from the teenage section. I got desperate once and took out a Sweet Valley High book but it was vomitsome.

Today I took out:

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

This Other Eden by Ben Elton

Claudine At St Clare’s by Enid Blyton

The Mating Season by P.G. Wodehouse

Thursday 9th January

I had tea at Jenni’s (but they call it dinner). We had salmon that wasn’t out of a tin. Until Jenni came to tea at our house she had never had Butterscotch Angel Delight (and to think people say where she lives is the good end of town! Sometimes for pudding they just have fruit!!) After tea we listened to the Sisters Of Mercy’s Vision Thing album in her room and wrote our Gods lists. These are the men (and sometimes women) who we admire most in the world and who we’ll probably date when we leave school or get into the sixth form.

Me:

Glenn Danzig

Peter Steele

Tom Araya

Christopher Lee

Elvira Mistress Of The Dark

Joey DeMaio

Rob Flynn

Max Cavalera

Rob Newman

Dave Mustaine

Jenni:

Peter Steele

Kiefer Sutherland

Nick Cave

Robert Smith

Dave Vanian

Andrew Eldritch

Ingrid Pitt

Johnny Depp

Trent Reznor

Marilyn Manson

Jenni put Doktor Avalanche on her first Gods list but then she found out he was a drum machine, not a real person!

Friday 10th January

When I called for Ian this morning I was all ready to say to his Dad Terry that I was sorry to hear his bad news. I felt sick walking up the path. I hate having to say stuff like this but I know I have to and I am sorry because Terry has already had a sad life, what with his wife (Ian’s Mum) having an affair and leaving him. Ian answered the door, Terry wasn’t in. He’d gone to see Betty, Ian’s Nan, to start arranging the funeral.

I changed at Ian’s as usual, Dear Diary. Mum wants me to wear a sensible dull navy jumper and nasty polyester black trousers with a crease down each leg and an elasticated waist to school. This is so unreasonable because our school has no uniform. It’s mean of Mum to try and invent one, just because she had to wear one. I get round this by putting my clothes in my school bag (usually a Danzig T-shirt and tight black jeans) and leaving the house dressed in what Mum approves of. I call for Ian every morning before school and change in his bedroom then we walk to school together.

When Mum and Dad split up me and Ian used to joke that we should get his Dad and my Mum together so we could live in the same house and stay up late listening to music. It would never have worked. Terry is too laid back and Mum is too uptight.

In the shop on the way to school I bought Ian a Bounty. It’s Alice Cooper’s favourite chocolate bar.

Saturday 11th January

I went to the Green Man pub with Ian and Jenni. The way it works Dear Diary, is that we turn up wearing lipstick and smoking and no-one doubts that we’re eighteen because we appear to be so confident. Well, Ian and Jenni appear to be confident, I just follow behind them. Both of them look older than their age because they’re tall. We don’t draw attention to ourselves and no-one questions us. We don’t get too drunk or too noisy so we aren’t a nuisance. I’ve seen people get kicked out for this. It seems to me that you can do what you want so long as you do so discretely, so I don’t go boasting about having been to the pub, I just quietly go about my business.

We often see the metal heads from the year above us or the Goths from the sixth form. All the metal/goth/punk people at school sort of talk to each other or at least nod at each other, regardless of what year they are in. It’s like an invisible bond. The Green Man is a rock pub so it’s full of cool people and has no townies or trendies to bother us. They have their own places, whose door I wouldn’t darken for fear of hearing rubbish music.

Tonight Bob and Tyrannosaurus Reg were out. Reg is so much hotter than you would think based on his name Dear Diary. I wish I had a photo to show you. I think he’s the best looking boy in the year above, but Jenni thinks it’s Darren “Dazza” Baskerville.

Sunday 12th January

I just re-read yesterday’s entry. I should point out that it’s just me and Jenni that wear lipstick to the pub, not Ian.

I lay in bed all morning reading The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy and listening to Slayer’s Reign in Blood album. Then I got up for dinner (cheese crispy pancakes, peas and mash, followed by yummy Viennetta). Then I lay in bed all afternoon until Mum made me go up the shop for her to get loo roll because we’ve run out. She made me brush my hair as well as getting dressed! For Lemmy’s sake, it’s a Sunday, and no-one cares if you buy loo roll with untidy hair. Also, she works in a supermarket, so why do we keep running out of basic stuff?

Monday 13th January

Today the front page of the Reading Chronicle didn’t read “Local People Relieved at Tidy Haired Loo Roll Purchase, Fabric of Society Remains Intact”.

Is Textiles the most pointless lesson ever, Dear Diary, or is it P.E.? I started making a pin cushion today in Textiles. This was our first coursework project. I’ve already done loads of stuff like this with Nanny Howard and with the Brownies so for me it’s well easy. Then in P.E. it was raining really heavily so we did loads of games that were basically throwing and catching a ball. Today has contributed nothing to my future career.

I’m wearing naff Christmas novelty socks today with reindeer on because all my other socks are in the wash basket. Dickens said we should keep Christmas in our heart but I’m also keeping it on my feet.

Tuesday 14th January

Ian and Jenni came round after school. Mum was working until eight. We watched my Alice Cooper Welcome To My Nightmare video. They left before Mum got home. Basically Dear Diary we hang out at whoever’s house is parent free and if there is no parent free option we either go to town or go to the park, or go to Jenni’s. Jenni’s house is the biggest and her parents are the least grumpy. Her Dad is a teacher at the University of Reading and he always asks us odd questions. Her Mum is always smiley and doesn’t mind Jenni being friends with boys but Jenni has to do all her homework so is often doing this on a Tuesday. Usually on Tuesday Ian comes to my house after school and Jenni has to do homework. On Wednesday I go to his and Jenni has to do homework, on Thursday I go to Jenni’s and we do homework and then are allowed to go up to her room. Ian plays Doom with Matty Bateman most Thursdays. Saturday is always, always pub night. Me, Ian and Jenni have been going since November last year. Before that we used to mainly amuse ourselves in the park, singing and drinking vodka or lovely cherry Lambrini.

Mum bought a slightly squashed lemon meringue pie home with her. Sometimes I love that she works in a supermarket.

Wednesday 15th January

Why do you only get lemon meringue pie? I’d eat apple meringue pie or cherry meringue pie too, but not shepherds meringue pie.

I went to WH Smiths on my way home to flick through Kerrang! I didn’t bother buying it because Reef are on the cover. I usually buy Kerrang! if there’s decent bands in it and Ian always buys Metal Hammer then we swap so we get to read both. Jenni reads them after us and complains that there isn’t a special magazine for goths. She sometimes reads her brother Bruce’s NME. She also reads her parent’s Guardian newspaper most days (yawn) and New Scientist magazine every week. Sometimes I look at the pictures in New Scientist when I’m round her house. Ian and I sometimes read his brother Gav’s Viz magazine.

Mum still hasn’t done the washing so I’m wearing my Christmas socks with a family of robins in hats on. If they were socks from Switzerland they’d be Swiss family robins on socks! Don’t groan Dear Diary, I need to tell jokes to keep myself cheerful. Dad used to tell me jokes all the time but Mum never does, she just sighs and asks me to make her a cup of tea because her feet hurt. I don’t know how tea makes your feet stop hurting.

Thursday 16th January

Talking of feet, Dear Diary, my DMs are finally comfortable. It has taken literally months for them to stop giving me blisters. Mum bought them for me at the start of September last year, ready for going back to school. They are just black eight hole ones. I’ve been nagging her to get me the cherry red fourteen hole ones, but, even if I get them I’m not sure I could be bothered to wear them in.

Friday 17th January

Ian wasn’t at school today because it was his Grandad’s funeral. He said he’s coming to the pub tomorrow though. Carina Norman was wearing a new denim skirt from Miss Selfridge which does up at the front and is A line (according to Mrs Savage). She was showing off about it in Textiles and saying she still has loads of Miss Selfridge gift vouchers left from Christmas. In Claudine At St Clare’s the headmistress tells the girls that they have to judge people on who they are, not what they have but Mrs Savage just said what a complicated pattern it is because it’s in sections and has buttonholes and denim is hard to work with. Mrs Savage looks like she buys all her clothes from BHS even though she knows how to make them.

It’s a bumper week for squashed cakes. Mum came home with a slightly flattened Black Forest gateau. A new series of Red Dwarf started tonight. I taped it and will take it round to cheer Ian up. Kryten used an attachment in his groinal socket to stir Lister’s tea because Lister had swapped Kryten’s head and taken out the guilt chip so they could go back in time for curries. I wish I could take out my shyness chip.

Saturday 18th January

Ian said his Grandad’s funeral was horrible. He wore a shirt and tie and his Nan and his Dad were both crying. He hasn’t seen his Dad cry since his Mum left. He said afterwards everyone sort of perked up a bit and had some sandwiches in the back room of the pub near his Nan’s. His Dad put Elvis’s “Always On My Mind” and “Wooden Heart” on the jukebox (and Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” because he still had a credit left). Ian’s Dad Terry firmly believes that Elvis is alive and well and just got sick of being famous.

Tonight T-Reg, Dazza and Bob were out. The conversation was mostly about music, we always avoid talking about school when we’re at the Green Man because a) it’s boring and b) we are pretending to be not at school in order to drink there. The best song played on the jukebox tonight was Machine Head’s “Davidian”. We also heard ZZ Top’s “Legs” and we always giggle at the bit where they say “fanny”, even though it means bum in America.

Sunday 19th January

Today was access day. Mum and Dad have agreed he can see me every fortnight. There is not much to do in Reading on a Sunday. Some of the shops are open but since Dad moved out both him and Mum have less money. We went to McDonalds and ate chicken nuggets. I’m mostly vegetarian but I don’t really like anything in McDonalds except chicken nuggets and I didn’t want to be awkward. I wanted to tell him I was sorry about him and Mum and that I love him but I didn’t. The tables are really close together in McDonalds. I could hear chewing from the next table. The toy in the happy meal this week was a Hercules figure. Hercules did twelve really, really hard tasks. It seems a shame to immortalise him in cheap plastic and get ketchup on him.

I finished reading the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. If the meaning of my life is forty-two I hope that’s not the age I finally get to snog T-Reg or the age Mum finally stops telling me what to wear.

Monday 20th January

It was so hard to get out of bed today. I wanted to stay in my cosy sleep fog. If it wasn’t for Mum shouting up the stairs and for Slayer’s “South of Heaven” I’d never have got upright.

Some twats at school today were going on about how great ecstasy is and how Brian Harvey shouldn’t have got kicked out of East 17 for taking it. Frankly I don’t care how East 17 end, just so long as they do.

Meanwhile, I’ve got bigger stuff to think about, should I dye my hair blonde? The Great Kat looks amazing. Ian said she gives him a stiffy of epic proportions. He thinks she would give the best hand jobs in the world because of her guitar virtuosity. I said maybe she’ll tug him off and record his grunting noises and squeals of pleasure as a track on her next album.

Lex and Mopey Dick spoke to me and Jenni today. They are in the sixth form and are Goths. Jenni fancies Lex even more than she fancies Dazza. Mopey needed to borrow some eyeliner. He said he felt naked without it. He talks really slowly, like just being alive is an effort. He sounds a bit like a record played at the wrong speed. His proper name is Richard Rippingdale and he tried to get everyone to call him “Ripper”, which is a very good Goth name, but instead every calls him Mopey Dick, which suits him well.

We did long division in Maths today. I did really, really long division because it seems to take me longer than everyone else.

Tuesday 21st January

I started my fifth ever period today. I know last year I was moaning Dear Diary, that I wanted them to start, but now they have I’ve sort of got a new set of problems. I only wanted them to start as a sign that I’m normal and because I thought my boobs would grow when my periods started.

Annoying things about periods:

1.Have to remember to take a ST with you everywhere

2.Stomach ache and other aches

3.Can get pregnant

4.Mum claims I get moody, which I don’t, and it really annoys me when she claims I’m grumpy because of the time of the month.

Wednesday 22nd January

I went round to Ian’s after school. Mum is at work until eight. Ian’s Dad Terry made us cheese toasties then we sat in Ian’s room and listened to Bolt Thrower’s In Battle There Is No Law album. I wish I was Jo Bench. I really need to learn how to play bass guitar.

Bass guitar plan:

1.Get bass guitar

2.Borrow book on how to play bass guitar from library

3.Practice loads (except Saturdays, pub time is sacred, but Maths homework time can be better spent learning to play bass)

4.World tour with my band, supporting Alice Cooper or Megadeth

5.Rehab

6.Marry Pete Steele after chance meeting somewhere exotic

I won’t forget Mum when I’m famous. I’ll send her postcards and she’ll admit she was wrong to say I couldn’t wear my Slayer T-shirt to school. I’ll buy her cakes which aren’t squashed. I’ll invite Dad to come and see me play.

Thursday 23rd January

I nearly got caught smoking behind the Maths block today. Why is everything to do with Maths so much trouble?

I went round Jenni’s after school. I did my homework because Jenni always has to sit at the kitchen table and do her homework before we’re allowed to go up to her room. When we were upstairs we looked through the Attitude Clothing catalogue and picked the outfits we’d wear if we were double dating T-Reg and Lex.

When I got home I finished reading The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. It used to be a set text for English but it isn’t now. It has a ginger girl in it who is called Cherry and who gets asked if her pubes match her hair. My blood ran cold at the thought of this still being a set text, I’m even glad it’s Macbeth this term. Although, the trouble with Shakespeare is that it’s all about kings and I don’t do History, I do German. The Outsiders was a good book though and more relevant than Shakespeare because in it there were people at their school in America who like all the mainstream stuff (in Reading this is the Spice Girls and Oasis) and then the greasers who are more interesting (in Reading this is the metal heads, Goths and punks).

Friday 24th January

We had to set fire to a peanut in Biology today. It was to show how much energy is in a peanut. I can tell how much energy is in a peanut by looking at it. Not much, because it’s tiny.

Red Dwarf was brilliant tonight. I taped it so I can take the tape round to Ian’s tomorrow. Ace Rimmer is back, what a guy! Also they drank cocktails out of pineapples. I hope I get to drink a drink out of a pineapple one day, or a coconut. Ace Rimmer is dying so he has to train Arnold Rimmer to be Ace Rimmer. Ace said there have been lots of Aces, and they all recruit the next Ace before they die. They start off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.

Saturday 25th January

Me and Ian watched last night’s Red Dwarf twice today. Then we called for Jenni and we all went up town. Jenni bought Echo and the Bunnymen’s Ocean Rain album because Lex mentioned them on Friday and she doesn’t have any of their stuff. She talks to him like he’s a normal person and not a) two years older than us, b) one of the fittest males in the entire school. Yesterday she just said “Hi” and asked him what was on his Walkman.

We went straight to the Green Man after we’d been to the shops. Bob and STR were there with Ella and Lizzie. Bob and Ella were sort of flirting and STR and Lizzie weren’t. I have never known Lizzie to have a date but Ella has had a couple of boyfriends. Ella said Jon Bon Jovi gives her a special feeling in her lady place. T-Reg also came to the pub tonight. He sat next to Ella, across the table from me. He accidentally kicked me once but that is as close as I got all evening, Dear Diary. Bob bought some condoms from the machine in the men’s loo just in case he got lucky. The only way he would get lucky would be if Ella squinted at him and he sort of looked Bon-Joviesque and ravishable.

Sunday 26th January

I lay in bed listening to Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction’s Tattooed Beat Messiah over and over again. I listened to this all week on the last family holiday me, Mum and Dad went on last year, before they split up. Sometimes when I hear this album I feel like I’m back in the past.

I haven’t told you that much about my Dad, Dear Diary. He’s called Chas and he is tall, friendly and funny. I’ve noticed I describe everyone as tall. Maybe this is because I’m not, so everyone else seems to be. Dad used to be the assistant manager of a shoe shop. He said it was a bit like being Al Bundy from “Married With Children” (which was fine by me, because that would make me Kelly, the hot blonde who always dates long haired men). He is now the assistant manager of a jewellers shop but not one that has tons of expensive stuff, which I think is good because it is unlikely to be held up at gunpoint. He is too smart for his job and reads as many books as Jenni’s Dad does. He never went to university because Grandad Howard and Nanny Howard couldn’t see the point in it. He got married instead (and look how that turned out Dear Diary). I don’t know if I will go to university. Dad thinks I should and Mum doesn’t mind.

I should probably have done my Maths homework if I want to go to university but I didn’t understand it. I do my homework about seventy-five percent of the time. Jenni always does hers because her Mum asks her every single day if she’s got any and it doesn’t take her that long anyway because she’s so smart.

Monday 27th January

Mrs Butler brought a pile of magazines round for Mum. They are mostly full of nonsense about diets on one page and then fattening recipes on the next page and then a feature on something lame like stencilling an old chest of drawers but I like reading the problem pages in case anyone else is a flat chested sex goddess in waiting and doesn’t know what to do to speed this up. I read a few of them but I’ve just made myself more worried because when you actually start having sex you get a bunch of other stuff to worry about like diseases and pregnancy and if you should get married and what if he’s a pervert?

Tuesday 28th January

We made Victoria sponge in Home Ec. Mine turned out great but I’ve been able to cook this since I was about nine. Most people managed a half decent cake, except Donna Harlow who forgot to put her eggs in.

After school Ian and I went to the chip shop then came back to my house. He stayed until ten minutes before Mum got in from work.

Mum asked me if I’d like my chest of drawers stencilled to brighten my room up a bit. Unless she can do a skull or the Megadeth logo then the answer is no.

Mum thinks all boys are a bad influence, Dear Diary, so I orchestrate it so that she never meets any of my male friends. Ian always leaves before she gets in from work on a Tuesday. He often walks me home from his house on a Wednesday but we always say goodbye at the lamp post by the massive hedge. Mum thinks all relationships are doomed like her’s and Dad’s and that you shouldn’t have boyfriends until you’re eighteen and you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married and even then it shouldn’t be any fun at all.

Wednesday 29th January

Mrs Butler and Mum were talking today in the kitchen about some new people who have just moved into our road. They are called Jean and Josie and Mrs Butler said they have an alternative lifestyle. I asked what sort, hoping they were metal or Goth but Mum said they were like Aunty Elsie. I said “What Welsh?” and she went red and said that they weren’t Welsh, they were both ladies and they got on very, very well. She probably meant they were lesbians but she gave me her look which means do not ask any more questions about this right now.

When Mrs Butler went I asked if I could have some Viennetta. Mum said it was for Sunday. I said I was hungry now. I pretended to read the packet and said it didn’t say it was only suitable for weekend eating and that we didn’t need to stick slavishly to convention now we’ve got lesbians up the road. Mum said I could have some Viennetta if I shut up and let her have a bit of peace and quiet. I said I was too polite to talk with my mouth full of Viennetta so it was a deal. I asked Mum if she wanted me to cut her a slice of Viennetta and she said “Oh, go on then”. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like Viennetta, I’d eat it every day if I could.


Thursday 30th January

This morning the Reading Chronicle front page headline didn’t read “Woman Eats Viennetta Mid-week, Neighbours Shocked”.

I listened to NOFX’s “Liza & Louise” and wondered about being a lesbian.

Friday 31st January

I love Fridays. It’s Red Dwarf and Mum usually brings us something nice home when she goes shopping. I have to go straight home from school unless I have a good excuse and I have to help put the shopping away. Then I think about what to wear to the pub tomorrow.

Kochanski is back in Red Dwarf tonight and Kryten is jealous of her. Mum bought me a Fuse. These and Spira and Bounty are my favourite chocolate at the moment.


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Wapple02: I fell in love with this story from the first sentence. It was written beautifully, there were some grammatical errors, but besides that it was awesome. I cried every time I read the last chapter. I read the last chapter seven times. I don't want it to be over.

Tamara Pavlichek: Haven't read anything better lately. Took me a day to read it but I just couldn't leave it.

Susan O'Reilly: Hard subject made easy to read with beautiful writing. Highly recommend

Mercurial._.Unicorn: The old style of writing is beyond good for today's modern writing styles.I loved the plot and the characters and I loved the way the character development was done. It was gradual and good. Not too good to believe nor too little to leave the book half read.The grammar according to my reading exp...

Deleted User: This is my go to book whenever I want a laugh or to feel good. 🙂👌

Helloitsemily: I am a girl that gets bored easy so does lots of things at once but this was incredible it made me read all of it and not get bored

More Recommendations

ElusiveBadwolf: This book was so beautiful to read. I loved how Lizzy was finishing Hayden's list off for he self couldn't complete it and now she is learning to move on. In the end i cried, because i couldn't think about moving on if i was in her position. And how she had forgiven him by not being there with he...

Alkira Joan: amazing story and plot, you just need to work on re reading and punctuation and gramma .'.........................................................................................................,.,.,..,.,.,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,.,..,.,..,.,.,..,.,..,.,.,.

deee_ro: Read this book in a couple of sittings and have kept it!!! Not one to read books again, but the story, the atmosphere, the descriptions, the humour, all right up my Blackpool street. Very cleverly written, sets the scene from the start, love how you get to really know the characters, must've look...

Riskaninda Maharani: This story told about love between Christopher Schlösser (a German) and Anggia Selestina (an Indonesian) that happened in Düsseldorf, Germany in an autumn. The German autumn which was so different with the autumn in the other four season countries, especially in Anggia's eyes when her heart-movin...

averysummers: Captivating. 5 stars all the way. The story starts off with Seven, and soon, Colin falls into place. The romance between them had me cracking up, and how Seven reacts to his remarks. The plot felt real and the pace was amazing! I think this was more of a lighthearted young adult read, one that wo...

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