The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard

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March 1997

Saturday 1st March

The Green Man was ace tonight. T-Reg, Shot, Bob, Lex and Mopey Dick were out. Everyone wished me happy birthday. Ian bought me a Malibu and Diet Coke. I had to pretend it was my nineteenth birthday. T-Reg gave me a kiss on the cheek! Shot said she’d make me a mix tape if I wanted. I said yes please. Mopey Dick said birthdays just bring you one year closer to death. Then he moaned because you can’t buy absinthe in the pub and so he had to make do with snakebite and black. Jenni sat next to Lex and was asking him about where he wants to go to university. The trouble with fancying someone in the sixth form is that they will be leaving after A Levels.

Me and Ian walked Jenni home. Then Ian walked me home and we hugged goodnight at the hedge we always hug goodnight at. He kept not letting me go and giving me extra birthday hugs.

Sunday 2nd March

I listened to Ozzy Osbourne’s “I Just Want You” a load of times today. I thought about T-Reg a bit, but mostly I thought about Danzig. One of the things I like about Danzig is that he’s not too tall so you would be able to snog him easily if you were standing up. He is five foot three, the exact same height as me.

I finished reading Ben Elton’s This Other Eden. The bit where Jurgen Thor and Rosalie have sex is beautiful but not informative.

Monday 3rd March

The phone bill has come. Most people I know get bollocked when the phone bill comes but I hardly use it. We only got it when Dad moved out. It makes me sad to talk to him on the phone so I don’t even phone him often.

Tuesday 4th March

Today I’m only talking to you and to my goldfish Mustaine, Dear Diary. It’s the only way to get any sense in this house. Mum has just asked when I’m going to grow out of wearing black T-shirts and start wearing nice clothes. She has offered to take me shopping. No, thank you very much, I’ll not be troubling the racks of BHS and QS and the other sucky places you like to get clothes from. She has claimed I won’t get a husband looking like this. Well maybe I don’t want a husband, maybe women in the nineties have more to aspire to (I don’t know what yet, but that’s just a detail). Also, one minute she doesn’t want me to grow up and treats me like a child and the next minute she’s banging on about husbands.

Also, Carina Norman asked me today if I was a Satanist. The world has gone mental. She asked if it was sacrificed goat mince in my spaghetti Bolognese in Home Ec. Then everyone stopped listening to her because Donna Harlow got told off by Mrs Rogers for not browning her mince properly.

Wednesday 5th March

Lex made Jenni a mix tape, she is well chuffed. I think a lot of the songs are the sort of songs you would play to someone you fancy. This is what he put on it:

Side One:

Where The Wild Roses Grow – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and Kylie Minogue

I Just Can’t Be Happy Today – The Damned

Close To You – The Cure

Set Me On Fire – Type O Negative

Pleasure In Restraint – Genitorturers

For My Fallen Angel – My Dying Bride

I Wanna Get In Your Pants – The Cramps

Track X – Sheep On Drugs

Burn – Sister Machine Gun

I Walk The Line – Alien Sex Fiend

Spooky – Lydia Lunch

Side Two:

Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson

Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division

Nocturnal Me – Echo and the Bunnymen

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Your Best Nightmare – London After Midnight

Weak - Skunk Anansie

Torch – Sisters Of Mercy

Darkly Erotic – Cradle Of Filth

Be My Druidess – Type O Negative

Have Love Will Travel - Crazyhead

Deliverance – The Mission

I think if she wanted to Jenni could snog Lex. I remembered today that I never found out who sent me a Valentine’s card. I probably won’t now. It’s just my luck to have a shy admirer, although if it is someone I don’t fancy it’s easier to not find out and not have to let anyone down.

Thursday 6th March

Charmaine Payne was asking me loads of questions about Ian today. I think she fancies him but I didn’t ask her outright. Speaking impartially Dear Diary, he’s above average looking, but I couldn’t fancy him because I know him too well. Some of the girls in our year are put off by his long hair but some of them think it makes him more exciting. About once a week me and Ian get accused of being boyfriend and girlfriend because we spend a load of time together. We aren’t and we never will be, but we will always be friends.

I love “Hammerhead” by Flotsam and Jetsam but I’m not sure I’d pick the Hammerhead shark to compare my penis to if I had one, it’s just the wrong shape. Plus there’s another bit of the song that puzzles me:

“Come forth and take me, she talks with her eyes”.

How do you talk with your eyes? Is it easier than talking with your mouth? If so I’ll give it a go.

Friday 7th March

Dilemma for Ian: would you rather be wanked off by Natalie West for twenty minutes or have actual sex with her for five minutes?

Ian picked actual sex for five minutes. He claimed she’d think he was so good at it she’d beg him to continue. Confidence in a man is very attractive.

Saturday 8th March

I spent my birthday money on a pink rubber skirt from a shop in the Harris Arcade. Mum went mental. I don’t see what the problem is, it’s my money! Just because she wants to dress like she’s a colour blind nun from the nineteen fifties doesn’t mean I have to. She said it’s too short. I said it isn’t.

Salvation came in the form of Mrs Butler popping round with some spare onions from her vegetable patch which distracted Mum for long enough for me to get dressed to go to the pub (pink rubber skirt, black tights, Nine Inch Nails vest). I said goodbye to Mum from mostly behind the door. She was watching Noel’s House Party.
If I get invited to Noel’s House Party (unlikely I know, Dear Diary) I won’t go. I bet Mum would though. Why is Mr Blobby capable of making anyone over thirty laugh hysterically?

Everyone in the Green Man admired my skirt. T-Reg said it’s wipe clean ability would be good if I ever got jizz on it. Shot said I look cute in pink and sweet like bubble gum. She’s always lovely. Ella said my skirt was the same colour as her bra and she flashed it at me. All the men went quiet. STR said he was putting the image of Ella’s bra in his wank bank. A wank bank, Dear Diary, is a database of images men keep to help them reach a satisfactory conclusion when pleasing themselves. Bob said he’s got a bit of all the women he’s met in his. On the way home Ian said my new skirt is a wank bank worthy image.

I realised my skirt is the same colour as Mr Blobby. So far it’s not got any jizz on it.

Sunday 9th March

Today is Mother’s day. I got Mum a three pack of Walnut Whips from Woolworths and I made her a cup of tea. We went to visit Nanny Brooks in her sheltered accommodation. Mum took her some daffodils but she couldn’t find a vase so she put them in an old brown Smarties mug that once held an Easter egg. Nanny Howard has a crystal vase.

I finished reading The Mating Season by P.G. Wodehouse. It had no rude bits (I borrowed it based on the title) but it was very good. Wooster’s aunts sound like their mission is to stop him from having any fun and I know what that’s like.

Monday 10th March

Today is Ian’s birthday. I bought him Sepultura’s Roots album on CD. He was well chuffed. Jenni bought him a Megadeth Peace Sells T-shirt. His Dad got him an acoustic guitar and said he can have an electric one at Christmas if he still wants one. Usually Terry is spot on and fairly sensible (apart from firmly believing that Elvis is alive and that Queen are the best band ever) but he’s held back Ian’s musical career with a guitar you can’t plug in.

Some girls from our year, including Carina Norman, tried to get into RG1 s on Saturday but failed. Haha! That’s what you get for wanting to listen to rubbish chart music. Carina glared at Jenni today when she said the bouncers there do a very worthwhile job, keeping the riff raff out.

Charmaine Payne said she’d give Ian a birthday kiss but I think he thought she was joking because he didn’t do anything about it.

Tuesday 11th March

Sports Centre Over Blessed Eyebrow Builder spoke to me again today (I must find out his name Dear Diary, I bet it’s something exotic and wonderful). He asked me if I had a light. While I was fumbling in my bag he asked me if I like metal. I said yes. Then he asked me who my favourite band is. My mind went totally and utterly blank for about five seconds. Then I mumbled “Slayer” even though I don’t really have one favourite band. He lit his cigarette and his hand sort of touched mine when he gave me back my lighter. He said he’d seen Slayer in London last year, at Brixton Academy and they were spectacular. He looked a bit dusty and I thought about him in the bath.

Wednesday 12th March

When I wrote yesterday that I thought about him in the bath, Dear Diary, I meant that I wondered what Eyebrow Builder would look like naked, not that I had a bath and while doing so I thought about him.

Robb Flynn is on the cover of Kerrang! this week. Yes, Kerrang! magazine you may have my money.

The metal builder with the eyebrow is called Barry. I heard one of the other builders shout it and he answered. This is not a sexy name. The test is to see if you can imagine yourself saying it at the height of passion and if it sounds good it’s a sexy name. I can’t imagine saying “Do it to me, Barry” without giggling. His eyebrow looked really massive today and I noticed that he has really hairy arms.

Thursday 13th March

I went to the library after school. I’ve read everything we’ve got in the house except Mum’s Barbara Taylor Bradford collection and Brave New World by Aldous Huxley which looks okay but we aren’t doing it until next term so I don’t want to read it before I have to.

I took out five books:

Forever by Judy Blume because apparently there is a rude bit, so it’s never available in the school library.

Soul Music by Terry Pratchett.

An Introduction To Psychology by Nicky Hayes and Sue Orrell (so I can learn to be less weird around men I like, learn to read minds and learn how to make Mum let me wear what I want).

The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 and ¾ by Sue Townsend.

Z For Zacariah by Robert C. O’Brien.

Jenni came with me but didn’t take any books out. She looked up ejaculation. According to Masters and Johnson the usual distance of an ejaculation is 30 to 60 cm and the usual volume is between 0.1 and 10 millilitres (so a maximum of two teaspoons). Jenni pointed out that if we were to time an ejaculation and measure the distance it travelled, we could work out it’s speed. I pointed out that we are very unlikely to be asked to do this in Physics, unless we get a really pervy supply teacher.

Friday 14th March

Mega brilliant day today. Ian and I had a Bounty for breakfast. I wonder if Alice Cooper likes the milk chocolate or the dark chocolate one best? I like the milk chocolate one. At break time we were all hanging around behind the Maths block as usual. T-Reg pinged my bra strap. I pretended I was annoyed but actually I’m well chuffed because:

a)I have a bra to ping

b)T-Reg knows I have a bra to ping

c)T-Reg is looking very cute right now. His hair has got really long and he has an almost complete moustache. I would give anything to feel the tickle of that moustache on my face Dear Diary, even submit to a full hour of bra strap pinging.

Saturday 15th March

Last night I dreamt that Barry was a wolf and he was going to huff and puff and blow my pants down. I woke up before he did sadly. He is so hairy he could be an extra in the Bark At The Moon video. You could probably use him to dry yourself off after a bath.
Shot gave me a mix tape tonight at the Green Man. She’s shaved the sides of her head and is wearing loads of black eye make-up. She looks old enough to drink in the pub and she looks hard but she’s always really sweet to me. I think Simon The Raspberry is in love with her. He watches her a lot and always lets her choose a song when he puts stuff on the jukebox. Ella and Lizzie were really giggly tonight. They had been drinking Peach Archers (yum) before they came to the pub. They put Van Halen’s “Why Can’t This be Love”, Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” (I wouldn’t inflict this on my friends) and Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” on the jukebox.

Sunday 16th March

I had a lie in. I wondered if hairy men are better in bed because they have more testosterone?

Dad took me to see Nanny Howard. This is becoming what we do every access Sunday now.

When I got home I listened to the mix tape Shot made me. I love it. I’m going to make her a friendship bracelet.

Side One:

Oh Bondage Up Yours! – X Ray Spex

Woman – Anti Nowhere League

Dying World – Sub-Humans

You – Bad Religion

Six Pack – Black Flag

Roads To Freedom – Cock Sparrer

Bubble Gum – All

Gonna Find You – Operation Ivy

Porno Slut – The Exploited

Wild In The Streets – Circle Jerks

Everybody Is On Sale – Alice Donut

Sheena Is A Punk Rocker – The Ramones

Time Bomb - Rancid

Your Emotions – Dead Kennedys

Side Two:

Nothing I Can Do - Sub-Humans

I Don’t Wanna Hear It – Minor Threat

Identity – X Ray Spex

Sunday Stripper – Cock Sparrer

Bruise Violet – Babes In Toyland

Orgasm Addict – Buzzcocks

No Values – Black Flag

Punish Me – Poison Idea

Am I Punk Yet? – Electro Hippies

Doesn’t Make It All Right – Stiff Little Fingers

The Wars End - Rancid

Stranglehold – UK Subs

Don’t Look In The Freezer – Dr and the Crippens

Monday 17th March

Today Barry was wearing a Motörhead T-shirt and he gave me the most amazing smile and said “Good morning Red”. I’m getting used to the name Barry. I remembered that the lead guitarist in Bolt-Thrower is called Barry Thompson, so actually it’s a brilliant name.

I read the cartoons in Mum’s Daily Express. Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t go to work or school. Maybe he misses Jon while he’s at work or maybe Odie really winds him up when Jon isn’t around. Garfield probably wants to sleep but Odie wants to do stuff.

Tuesday 18th March

Dilemma for Jenni: would she rather have her nose pierced or have a 30 second snog with Lex?

I finished reading Judy Blume’s Forever. Katherine (whose surname is Danziger – very cool) loses her virginity to Michael who calls his penis Ralph. I think it’s weird to name your penis. This was a much realer sex scene than when Rosalie and Jurgen Thor do it, but I’d rather be Rosalie than Katherine. Learning from books just isn’t as good as actually really doing things (the Brownie Guide Handbook suggests you practice swimming by lying across a chair and I did this before I learnt to swim but when I was actually in water it was totally different). Dad once went to Oxford on a training course and he bought me back a bookmark which read “A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years mere study of books”. You can’t however go to the library and borrow a wise man to have a conversation with you.

Wednesday 19th March

Jenni decided she’d rather have her nose pierced because 30 seconds of pleasure is too fleeting to taste and then have snatched cruelly away.

I asked Ian if he’s got a name for his penis. Then I let him read the bit in Forever when Ralph the penis makes an appearance. He’s thinking of a name for it.

After school we went to Jacksons. I got some lime green embroidery thread to make a friendship bracelet for Shot. She said her fave colours are fluorescent ones, in a cool X-Ray Spex/ Sex Pistols album cover kind of way, not a lame Wham! Wake Me Up before You Go-Go video kind of way obviously.

Thursday 20th March

Ian’s penis is called Armadillo. He’s named it so he can say there’s an armadillo in his pants and it’s really quite frightening, like Nigel Tufnel does.

I’m listening to Ice-T. Donna Harlow lent me her Ice T Power album and I lent her my Bodycount album. I wonder what Ice-T calls his penis? I bet he calls it “Evil Dick” like the song or he’s got a really cool rap guy kind of name for it. There’s a song he does called L.G.B.N.A.F which stands for Let’s Get Butt Naked And Fuck!

Friday 21st March

I spoke to Barry today! I was wearing my Anthrax I Am The Law T-shirt and walking slowly past where he was working and he looked up and said “Great T-shirt”.

Then I said “Thanks, I love the ’thrax” (I have no idea why I suddenly abbreviated Anthrax, I was just very flustered).

Then he said “Ever seen them live?”

Then I said “No” and was just about to add that my Mum probably wouldn’t let me but one of the other builders called him over so I said “See you later”.

Today is the last day of school until after Easter. Over the holidays I am going to have to come up with a better seduction tactic than walking slowly past.

My period started, my seventh ever, maybe the lucky seventh one will make my boobs grow. Why didn’t they tell us about periods in Brownies? The handbook is supposed to be full of everything young women need to know. Also can dogs tell when you’ve got your period? On my way home today a dog almost strangled himself with his lead trying to get at me. At least I’m popular with dogs!

Saturday 22nd March

Re-reading yesterday’s entry I realise that “the ’thrax” isn’t even an abbreviation for Anthrax, it’s one letter longer. I think I just had to say something because it felt like my heartbeat was so loud Barry would be able to hear it.

Mum is obsessed with the national lottery. I’m going to make money from my talents, not from chance. I don’t know which talents yet but that’s just a detail. It’s only people who don’t understand Maths who can get properly excited by the lottery (I don’t understand most of Maths but I do understand probabilities and odds because of Grandad Howard explaining betting on the gee-gees to me when I was small). It’s more likely that you’ll get to sleep with the singer of your favourite band than that you’ll win big on the lottery, but Mum hasn’t got a favourite band.

Sunday 23rd March

Mega lie-in then round to Jenni’s.

My Gods List:

Pete Steele

Glenn Danzig

Max Cavalera

Ice-T

Rob Zombie

Sean Yseult*

Zodiac Mindwarp

Dave Lister

David St Hubbins

Jurgen Thor

I would be a better girlfriend for Lister than Kochanski. I’d be happy to spend all my time in his bunk eating curry and having fantastic sex.

Max Cavalera has awesome hair at the moment. It’s pink and dreadlocked. I bet Mum will say I can’t have my hair like this until I leave school.

*is it weird to have Sean Yseult and Rob Zombie on the same Gods list? They used to be a couple but now aren’t, but they are still band mates so they must be okay with each other.

Jenni’s Gods List:

Twiggy Ramirez

Marilyn Manson

Pete Steele

Robert Smith

Johnny Depp

Trent Reznor

Nick Cave

Shirley Manson

Kiefer Sutherland

Dani Filth

Monday 24th March

Today is the first day of the Easter school holidays. Hooray! I’m bored of that place. Why don’t my boobs look like Elvira’s yet? All around me stuff like daffodils and tulips are managing to reach their potential, why can’t I? Maybe after Easter they will.

Jenni is staying home all day doing her homework and Ian is playing Doom with Matty Bateman. I finished reading Philip Pullman’s Northern Lights. It was okay but I think there was a lot of religious sub text I wasn’t getting because I don’t know that sort of stuff. Dad is an atheist and Mum is very casually religious. It had a big bear in it and it reminded me of C.S. Lewis a bit.

Tuesday 25th March

Spent all day round Ian’s. Ian’s brother Gav has said that Ian can listen to his records if he is very careful with them, if he puts them back exactly where they were, and if he doesn’t take them out of the house. This is amazing. We now have a whole bunch of new stuff to listen to. It’s not all metal but Gav has tons of music so some of it must be good. There’s some rock stuff and some punk. Today we listened to Ted Nugent. He has the eyes of a mad man. His song “Thunderthighs” is like a horrible version of AC/DC’s “Whole Lotta Rosie”.

I wonder what bra size Rosie is? Do men prefer it if you’re slimmer with smaller boobs, or fatter with bigger boobs?

Wednesday 26th March

Kerrang! had James Hetfield on the cover today. When will they learn that Megadeth are better and that short hair Metallica is generally bad Metallica?

Annoying neighbourhood watch fanatic Mr Moffat from number 108 stopped Mum on her way home from work to tell her he’d seen me smoking. I told her his old eyes must have been mistaken. He is an Olympic standard curtain twitcher. I’m not sure if she believes me or him.

Thursday 27th March

I saw an ice cream van today, spring is on the way. I’m still waiting for my chest to burst forth. Jenni and I went to the big Asda with her Mum and helped to do the shopping then we had a chocolate cake with mini eggs on and a drink in the café. Jenni’s parents don’t do the lottery, which is good because the queue for it was massive. In some ways winning the lottery would be good, I wouldn’t have to worry about failing my GCSEs but it wouldn’t make me less shy or larger chested (unless I bought a boob job but I don’t want to do that, Mrs Butler’s magazines are full of terrible tales of popped implants and massive scars).

Friday 28th March

Good Friday

Ian and I went to see his Nan Betty. She made us hot cross buns with real butter. We never have real butter at home because Mum is almost always on a diet.

Dilemma for Ian: Would he rather never play Doom again or never wear trousers again?

He’s having a think about it.

This evening I watched my video of The Tale of the Bunny Picnic. The moral of the story is that sometimes it’s good to be small, and you still have a part to play. I painted my nails alternating black and red, ready for the pub tomorrow.

Saturday 29th March

Ian said never wear trousers. What he’d do is wear really, really, really, really long shorts.

The Green Man was both brilliant and terrible tonight. There was too much Alanis Morissette on the Green Man jukebox. It’s not even metal, give it a rest.

I saw Barry the builder! He said hello! He was with a group of mates, two men and two ladies. He’s probably got a girlfriend but maybe not because of the eyebrow. It’s his fatal flaw, like Macbeth’s ambition. He asked me who I was with and I said just some mates (I nearly said some mates from school and then I remembered I was in the pub).

Sunday 30th March

Easter Sunday

A new TV Channel started today. It’s called Channel 5 (not very imaginative) and the Spice Girls are on it so I’m not watching it. Me and Dad went to see Nanny Howard. We took her some daffodils. She was really chuffed and made a big fuss of putting them in her crystal vase. It’s nice to have one Nan who has not gone a bit doolally.

She gave me a fiver to get an Easter egg or something else if I wanted. She said she wasn’t sure if I was too old for an Easter egg. She reminded me of the time when I was five and Dad put some jelly egg sweets on my bedroom shelf before I went to bed and told me they were magic eggs and I shouldn’t touch them. While I was fast asleep he swapped them for those fluffy yellow chicks that you decorate Easter cakes with. I was convinced they had hatched from the sweetie eggs. When Dad and I left (just before Songs Of Praise, which she watches religiously every week) I noticed she already had a load of daffodils in her garden.

I think Nan’s story about the eggs indicates that I could be trusted in the garden of Eden, at least for a bit.

Monday 31st March

Easter Monday

I had a Crème egg and a Spira for breakfast. I used the Spira fingers to scoop out the eggy centre. It was well lush. At the moment there is an advert that asks how do you eat yours? I think my way is the best way.

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