Judgement doesn't define you

That's me most day but my choices have there reasons, I know people will judge me but I can't bring my self to care what others think while my family struggle to make ends meet, we all do what we have to when the ones we love struggle with life, some days are harder than others but we all have the same goal... to get through life.

Like most days I'm nursing my battered body while getting ready for school, unlike most girls my age my skin consists of ugly bruises, cuts and scars instead of golden perfect skin but it's a small price to pay to see my mother and brother eat and a roof over their heads, we all do what we need to but with my mothers illness and the debts my dead beat father left us I have no choice its down to me to provide us a better life even if it breaks my mothers heart how I have chosen to provide for us.

Let me start from the beginning then your free to make your own judgement about Me...

6 years ago on my 11th birthday my father decided to leave us without so much as a goodbye, yeah I know this isn't such a bad thing this day and age however the arse hole decided to leave us with so much debt he wracked up without my mother knowing that we had different debt collectors coming every week taking all our possessions, we literally live with the bare minimum, every month is a constant struggle to pay rent and the rest of the bills add my mothers hospital trips and the stress is never ending, my mother can't work because of her health she has a lung condition called COPD and Pulmonary fibrosis this basically means she's dieing and the most basic tasks like walking is a struggle for her, she spends 17 hours a day hooked up to an oxygen tube the disease is terminal the only hope she has is a lung transplant but the waiting list is never ending so we aren't holding much hope, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed I can change our living situation so she doesn't have to spend the time she has left worrying about money.

Just a few more weeks and I will have enough for everything we need and more if I survive that long....

I make my way downstairs and fix my mother breakfast and hand her the medication she needs before grabbing myself some pain killers and a bottle of water and heading for the door shouting for my brother Andrew to hurry up before we are late, my brother is 16, a year younger than me, I love him dearly but my god he can get on my nerves but we stick together in this shit storm of a life, he has recently got a job at the local restaurant in town to help cover bills, I can't wait until I tell him he can be a normal teenager and hang out with his friends instead of working his arse off trying to make ends meet.

Hopefully after meeting the estate agent later I'll be able to do just that.

After seeing my mother break down into her pillow after the first lot of debt collectors came by I made it my life goal to give her a life she deserves, its one thing knowing your life is hanging on by a thread but knowing you can't go out to work and provide for your kids and get them out of the mess of a life their father left them with is another, she deserves everything good in this miserable world and I plan to give it to her.

Pulling up at school I throw my hood up to cover my battered face and head towards my best friend Gemma, I say best friend she is probably my only friend I don't interact with others, I cant afford for them to find out what I do it is illegal after all...

"Hey girl you look like shit you sure you shouldn't take a day off last night was rough, I really think it's time to stop all this "

I can hear the worry in her voice but just shrug and reply "soon" before making my into school.

Gemma knows what I do and she doesn't judge me she knows everything about me and all my reasons, she is there every time with a first aid kit ready to clean me up and help me home I would be lost without her.

Gemma is a more popular girl with her mousy brown hair, jewel green eyes and perfect 5ft 2 body, however the sweet looking girl is also the most savage especially before her morning coffee, that girl definitely doesn't have a filter on her mouth and won't think twice about putting one of the popular boys in their place if they cross her the wrong way.

I met Gemma the night my father left us, I decided to take a walk and try keep my emotions in check, once I reached the local cafe I saw Gemma in a screaming match with some older guy, turns out he thought groping her was OK but this sent Gemma into a screaming fit at the guy wich I can't blame her but the guy being the complete tool he was decided to raise his hand to give her a slap, but before he could swing my emotions got the better of me and I ran and punched the guy in the face sending him flying into a table next to him, this earned a crazy contagious laugh from Gemma watching a huge muscled man stumble to the ground like a sack of spuds, we both stood in hysterical laughter for what felt like hours, since then we have been joined at the hip.

By lunch time by whole body hurts like hell, the pain has completely rid my mind of any thoughts of food so I head to my locker in hopes of finding pain killers they seem be my saving grace these days, as I swallow the pills my phone rings, to most people this isn't so bad but to me it causes instant dread, the only person that would ring while I'm at school is my mother, a million thoughts rush through my head while reaching for my phone....

Is she OK?

Did she fall?

Is she hurt?

Did she take her meds? Did she mix them up again?

Is she alive?

My heart is pounding in my chest as I answer the phone.

Hello?

"Hi this is nurse Jones from grimsby hospital is this Samantha?"

Fuck! Shit!

Yes that's me is everything OK? Is this about my mother? How is she? What happened?

The nurse cuts off my rambling in a sweet calming voice

"Your mother is fine her temperature was a little high when her carers came to check on her and she seems a little distant so they brought her in to be checked out, your mother has pneumonia due to her condition we would like to keep her in for observation and antibiotics"

Her words help me relax a little, it's not uncommon for my mother to be unwell pneumonia has become somewhat normal for her now having it 2-3 times a year meaning alot of time in hospital, her illness affects her immune system so things like a common cold can take hold and develop into pneumonia in a matter of hours.

"thank you does she need me to bring anything? I'll stop by after school"

"No she has everything she needs she just wanted to let you known so you didn't worry when you got home"

Ok thank you bye

The rest of the day I was on edge as much as this is a normal occurance I cant help but worry the doctors say the scar tissue in my mothers lungs becomes more severe with every episode decreasing her chance of survival dramatically.

Soon as the last bell rings I rush to my car to meet my brother, after telling him what happened I tell him to go to his friends while I visit mum, I don't know how bad she is going to look when I get there so I always visit alone first to save my brother ever seeing her in a bad way.