Scars on My Black

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Back [Petra]

After the shock of the jump and floating in the still chlorine water, I was ready to call it a night. So, when I exited the pools showers and noticed the rest of girls wearing matching leopard print dresses, I wanted to dunk my head back into the pool and call it a life. So tight, very fitting, so skinny.

“Oh! Petra your finally out. Here put this on.” Yue sang thrusting a similar dress in my hands along with a pair of matching ears.

“Awesome! Give me ten minutes!” I smiled.

Partying at 12:35 am dressed like a pussycat. I hate cats. They are like overgrown rats with a superiority complex. I made my way to the changing curtains at the other side of the locker room.

I hung my towel over the curtain rod and pulled on the fitted dress. The dress could have been more inclusive. But my inclusive and other people’s inclusive are like comparing Bein and Fashion Venus.

I was stirred from my thoughts by the sound of soft sniffles. I peered over the curtain next to me to see Nikkei on the floor. Damp strands of blonde hair sat disheveled on top his head. His under eyes puffed pink as hot and unmanageable tears finally break when he caught my worried gaze. I pulled back the rest of the curtain knelt next to him. Huge watery eyes begged my vivid ones.

Nikkei’s mouth trembled as he desperately tried to force any word through his lips but only a soft whimper came through. I fell to my knees and placed my hands firmly on his forearms. He seemed so small. The towel wrapped highly around his torso and held tightly in place.

“Nikkei! Are you okay? Is something wrong with the baby?“, I questioned. My eyes shifted down luckily not seeing any sorrowful red.

Nikkei shook his head wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “No! No. Baby is fine.“, he responded, his voice gradually falling softer.

“I know we started on the wrong foot. With me being such a sudden intrusion. But I want you to know that if you have something you need to say. Its best to say it because this scene,” I gesture to his face, “Makes me think your breaking inside.“.

The trembling under my arms finally ceased. His eyes looked with mine for a moment before down. It was then I realized the familiar leopard print fabric in his hands being clutched between pale hands.

“They gave you a dress?” I questioned tentatively.

He shook his head quickly mumbling a string of “No’s”. “It’s a jumpsuit. It’s not the clothes it’s just-.” He cuts himself off.

I ran a hand the length of his arms clasping his balled hands within my palms looking almost like a clam. “Look at me Nikkei.“. I clamor but his eyes are still diverted away.

I grasped his chin lightly forcing his timid gaze to meet my fierce one. “I said look. At. Me.” I pressured. “I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to know what is wrong.“. My voice hardened just enough as Nikkei begins to speak.

“They’re back...: He states simply.

“Who’s back?“.

“Not who. What.“.

“What’s back Nikkei.” I persisted.

Nikkei tries to look away again, but I follow his eyes. He lets out a quivering breathe. It was then I realized what he was looking at.

“My breasts are coming back.“, He replies in a hush voice. “I knew it would happen, but I thought I could handle that, but I look down at myself and all I feel is loathing and resentment and so sad. So sad that I want to gouge my eyes out, so I do not have to see this body. I hate this! It’s like being trapped all over again!“.

My tongue laid heavy in my mouth. What was there else to say? What could I say?

“Nikkei. I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t think I could even imagine feeling that way.” I started.

“You don’t have to Petra. I’m sorry I dumped that all on you. It wasn’t right.” Nikkei replies retracting his hands from mine.

“No! It’s okay really! It’s good to get things off your chest. Stress isn’t good for the baby, right?”

A small smile comes to his lips. “Yes, the baby. Can’t have nothing to the baby.“, he responds. “Can you excuse me. I still need to get dressed.“.

“You are still going? We could take you back to the house.“, I reasoned.

Nikkei shook his head and a soft laugh escape. “Now. It is a Bachelorette party. No need to stop the night.“.

We helped each other onto our feet. Nikkei cast me one last reassuring smile before I turned to go back to my side. Before the curtain shut, I caught a glimpse of barely rounded mounds sitting high on his chest with a small pink peak. I sighed softly before proceeding to get ready.

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