Life is hard, let alone manipulative.
I try reaching for the light, the sun, the next morning.. you name it, but seems like it's far, far away. I woke up on my father beating my 60 year old mother, asked him what's happening.. he grabbed me from my clothes and tried giving me a black eye as he did before. But I didn't let him. He threw us out of the apartment. He didn't only kick me and my mother out, he kicked out my dreams, my future, and my privacy.
You would be looking for the better tomorrow, the brighter future, but life isn't that simple, my dear. Life is hard, you will not get the life you're looking for that easy, maybe you'll never get it. Whatever you have on your mind, goes with the wind. Every little thing you dream about is doubtful, and that's what happened to me. I dreamed of graduating with my father by my side, I dreamed of forgetting what he did to me and my mother over the years so I could live like any other girl who loves her father, but I was just lying to myself. I could not love my father, even if I tried. What he did to me was beyond forgivable, pushing myself to forgiving him would not do me any good and wouldn't even be possible.
I am not sad that I don't love him, I am sad because I do not know how to love someone as a father. When I look at a girl crying at her wedding because she's gonna miss her father, I don't understand what she's crying for. Why isn't she happy that she'll leave that person and be away from him? My feelings are blocked out when it comes to fatherly love. As a matter of fact; I tried, but he would not let me love him. He would come up with anything to make me hate him even more.
"Pure hate." That's what I would say about my feelings to my father, I don't even like him. His smell disgusts me, his way of eating makes me want to vomit. If I ever hug him, I feel the urge to stab him so he could drop dead and leave me alone with my mother in this world. "God will curse you on doomsday." That's what I screamed at my father's face when I tried pulling him away from my mother, who was laying on the floor onto her face with my father hitting her with his feet.
I will never forget, therefore I will never forgive.
You will not find me shedding a tear when you die, I hope that comes as soon as possible, my father.
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