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Complicated feelings

What,???????!!!!Moe you are mad’ screamed Nat through the phone. I told Nat all about me and Ayaan texting each other.

No, I am not. We are just texting, like old friends catching up after a long time’, I lied to her hoping she would buy it which I know she won’t. At least I can give it a try right.

I am not an idiot Moe, and what did you say friends, when were you guys friends? Wait a minute, do you still love him? She asked me in disbelief

I replied awkwardly, ′no ...of course ...not”

Oh really Maureen? you think I will believe your lie.′ She asked me sarcastically.

’Nat listen, I don’t know.′ I replied back, actually its true I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. All I know was I am having a good time. I haven’t confessed to him and when we texted, I didn’t think of confessing at all. It was strange I thought. The feeling’s I used to have, changed it was something else.

what about Alex?’, she asked which broke my chain of thoughts

’Huh, what about him?′ I asked in doubt

Seriously Moe? So now you are going to blow of a nice guy just because your one- sided love has come into your life, for gods sake Moe get over him′ she screamed at me.

I got angry and screamed back ’you know I am not blowing off anyone, I seriously don’t know what I am going to do. But at least you can be a good friend and support me, but no, instead you chose to pin point at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong here. I will do whatever my heart wants.′ And cut the call.

I broke down in tears. This feeling was so complicated.

A notification popped; it was from Alex;

’Hey you, okay? It’s been a week and you haven’t replied to any of my message or you attended the class. I am sorry if I am being clingy. But just want to know that you are okay.′

I broke down even more, because I was so angry at myself. I ghosted Alex for one entire week, I didn’t reply him back as I was so into Ayaan. Guilt took over me. I was so angry and mad at myself, Nat, Ayaan and whatever feeling I have for him. Another message popped; it was from Nat:

Hey I am sorry; I didn’t mean to be rude. But I just don’t want you to be heartbroken over that guy again when you have an amazing future ahead. Just call me okay, call me when you calm down. I love you M❤❤

It was a long Sunday. I was exhausted from all these thoughts and crying. So, I freshened up and made myself dinner. After finishing dinner, I was lying on my bed with phone in my hand, not knowing what to do.

Message from Ayaan popped up on my screen; hey I want to tell you something, it read. I didn’t reply back. After 5 minutes again another message from him popped up- u there? I still didn’t reply then three more messages popped up from him -

I am having a great time talking to you. I know this will be out of blue, but its not, I like you, Maureen.

You there?

Will you say something?

I didn’t reply anything. I just closed my phone and went to sleep. The strange fact was that, I didn’t feel anything apart from being surprised when I read his message. I went to sleep shutting down all the thoughts running in my head.

Next morning, I waited after class to meet with Alex. When I saw him, I stopped him. He smiled at me and I wondered why is he not angry with me after ghosting him for a week.

He on seeing me was relieved and asked if I was okay. I am fine , I replied and asked if he would like to grab coffee with me. We went to a café in our campus and settled down in our seats with coffee in our hands.

I am sorry, Alex for not texting back. I am fine, it’s just ...′ I then explained everything to him.

After I finished talking, I waited for him to speak.

Woah, Moe. I.. I don’t know what to say. He replied. I remained silent.

He then continued ′I thought you rejected me because I was not that good looking’.

’No...no... definitely not, oh my good you are, you are definitely handsome, actually one of the good-looking guys in our class′ I blabbered not realizing what I was saying,

Oh, so I am good looking huh? Well, I will definitely take your word for it, MISS MAUREEN’. Everyone has past , but that doesn’t mean they can’t live in their present to the fullest’ he said smilingly. I smiled at him. He is right. absolutely right.

After reaching home, I took my phone and replied to Ayaan.

Wow. Thanks Ayaan. I had a great time talking to you too. Yesterday when you said you like me, I was actually surprised. I don’t think if you know this, but back in school I had a major crush on you which later developed into true feelings. So, I couldn’t be more happier as my first love will not be one sided anymore. But as happy as I am with your confession, I must tell you I can’t accept it. I just am glad that you are my first love but I would love to keep you in my past . Sorry Ayaan, Its just , our timing sucks. I wish you all happiness, take care.

WITH LOVE

MAUREEN’

I didn’t wait for his reply, before that I deleted his number and blocked him

Then I freshened up and started to get ready to go out for dinner with Alex. As I sat IN front of the mirror, I looked at my reflection and smiled. I felt free, all the feelings I had these years disappeared. I felt free. Its better this way, its better to leave my first love as first love itself. It was a beautiful memory, but now it was high time for me to leave it far behind and focus on my present.

When you bring your past in present, it becomes messed up and tangled so it is better to leave it it there , only then you can truly enjoy the present.

After getting ready, I took a pic of myself and send it to Nat with a caption, ‘GOING OUT FOR DINNER WITH ALEX. PS: ITS NOT A DATE, JUST A CASUAL DINNER.’

I took my purse and left the apartment after closing the door behind me. As I stepped out in cold air, for the first time I kind of liked it. Maybe this time winter can mean something for me, I thought.

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