Take a breath Dani, take a deep breath. I told myself. But the calm was not on the menu today. Calm was not being served, I could not even feel my inner goddess snicker. If I let my emotions overpower my intelligence I may break down. The kinks in my armour may just begin to show.
I was too proud to let myself succumb to such emotions, to allow myself a moment to break down. My father had raised me to always show strength.
"Theo, we can talk tomorrow, I think I am too tired to get into it right now," I said nearly believing myself.
My brother just looked at me and he knew that tomorrow would be too far. He looked panic-stricken, I guess the same brush paints you all in a family after one suicide.
"Let me take you home," he offered. "We can talk there."
"I am not made of glass," I smiled tightly. And there was no home to take me to. I was homeless. He wanted to talk to me so he can call dad and update him on how his darling Danai was doing. I would never allow him to do that.
My brother looked at me, he knew me once upon a time but he was only here because he was listed as my next of kin. Another one of dad's conditions. How can I even blame Kas for feeling isolated, sidelined? My mind was reeling this evening and I could feel a migraine coming on.
Yes, I was not fragile but my heart was broken and I could possibly use the pieces to stab myself in my sleep. This was not a cry for help, I had a miscarriage lost my baby, not my first miscarriage, but a part of me wanted to give up. My knees wanted to bulk and I wanted to hurl things into the wall but I just stood there on the street and waited for my husband. While the brother that had once been in my inner circle stared at me worriedly.
"Are you sure you are okay?" he asked again irritating the hell out of me.
"I am not okay,'' I replied firmly straining to control my voice. I would never be okay. The dumbest question was asking me if I was okay.
"I will go home and sleep over it as I said. Tomorrow will be better." I said.
My voice lacked the optimism that would encourage him to leave me alone.
Theo shoved his hands in his pockets and we both looked at the hospital entrance as my husband walked over in hurried steps. I saw him fold a piece of paper into his pocket. I imagined it was the hospital bill, the one Theo had already settled. I am pretty sure we would soon be fighting about that.
"I will be okay," I assured Theo as the car came around. The chauffeur opened the door and I got inside, I did not even check to see if Theo was still there. Frankly I did not really care today.
The ride home was silent, my inner goddess was not interested in hearing the pitiful thoughts of anyone this evening. My phone vibrated and I ignored it. I could feel the anger rolling off Kas and it was not only about losing the baby. He still felt the need to compete with my family for small things and I was too tired to get into it with him. I was tired and I felt alone. Alone in my suffering.
As all the times i felt this sort of pain, i thought of my mom. i wished she was here.
Love was not enough I was beginning to understand. my mind went back to an argument I had with my dad a few years ago.
'You don't know anything about life Wangu,' he said. He used moms name for me meaning I was pissing him off. 'You think because you now have a college education you know it all? I am your father, what I have seen standing on my feet you cannot see even if I put you on my shoulders.'
I had rolled my eyes, intent on defying him I made it clear that my choice was Kasalapo no matter what he said. No matter what anyone said.
'I love him!'
'Love is a fleeting emotion, my girl, love won't put food on the table, love won't pay your bills, love won't spare you your responsibility, love won't understand your duty,' he argued. 'He is a man who has been raised to be a man, but you will never be that woman he needs to be the head of. you cant give him a home, you were not born to be submissive, you were not born for him!'
I could still feel those feelings richocet through me. Defiance. A strong desire to just have my way. Oh how wrong I was.
I felt Kas slip his hand into mine, I looked up at him startled his eyes held a sadness that I shared. I allowed myself to be comforted momentarily. I put my head on his shoulder as his arm came around me. A rare moment. My guard lowered and I let myself fall asleep on his shoulder...