“𝐈𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡, 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝. 𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰- 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.”
It was around ten at night. A mere several hours since I snuck out the back door of my small two story house. I was going to get my behind beat when I got back home. However, that fate of mine was far away in my head.
At the moment the music played in tune with my beating heart. My breathing was in sync with hers and I felt alive. I’ve never drank so much before. Correction. I have never drank before. The fifth bottle that I’ve held in my hand tonight was telling me that this was going to become a habit.
“Baby.” Her hands were tracing circles on my thighs. It felt good. Really good.
My lopsided smile in response to her almost seemed to be too heavy for my face. I had lost complete control over my body. I didn’t know whether that was necessarily a bad thing yet.
“I’m not feeling this music anymore. Let’s go upstairs for a bit.” She grabbed my hand and led me up without even hearing my response.
I have met this girl an hour ago, I probably shouldn’t be doing this. I was never the one night stand type, in fact I wasn’t any type. It was my first party, a thing I dared myself to attend just once because wouldn’t it be a shame if I somehow graduated without any teenage existential dread of bad decisions and regret.
I was moving anyway, whatever way I embarrass myself tonight will do no real harm to me.
Besides, I could see now what my regrets would consist of as I debated whether to yank my hand out of her grasp. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The night was going so well. I was feeling so good. I wanted more. I craved it.
I didn’t let her reach the door. I pulled her against me allowing our bodies to mold into one. Her breasts, despite the thin layer of a crop top, were warm against mine as they caressed my own.
With the alcohol on our lips, the more we kissed the more we seemed to take in. For me it was her very presence and strawberry lip gloss that was more intoxicating than any drink I had all night.
I don’t want to do this.
Her hands were starting to roam now. She’s made it so I’m pinned against the wall. I had always pegged myself for the dominant one, but in this moment the pool of desire settling between my legs were telling me what I thought I knew were lies.
Her fingers made me shiver as they unbuttoned my shirt. Each time one was unhooked I felt like I was going to explode.
I don’t want to do this.
The last button was gone. I had gone bra less tonight and she took advantage of this fact. Her mouth took in my left breast before I could protest. As she nipped and sucked on my nipple, one of her hands played with the other. It felt so good but so wrong at the same time.
The moans she was getting out of me were sounds I didn’t even know I could make.
She stopped and looked up towards me peering into my eyes. I could imagine the things I wanted her to do to me, the way she made my knees buckle in a single gaze had to be illegal.
“Baby, let me taste you.” Then she spoke again causing me to snap out of my trance.
I pushed her away shaking my head finally uttering the words trapped behind each of my moans. “I’m sorry but I can’t do this.”
Tripping down the stairs, I was sure I looked deranged. I pushed through the crowd ignoring the snickers and the hands who grabbed at my bare skin. That one leap out the door. That action to open it. I couldn’t look back. The door slammed shut behind me. The air was cool, so refreshing. Breathtaking. Calming.
I felt the tears coming before I saw them. As the saltwater crawled to my lips I knew in that moment I was tasting the start of my destruction.