I do not recall going home that night; I do not even recall whether Tom and I had made love, though I presume that we did as I have awoken unattired, and as I stare at Tom’s naked body lying in deep sleep beside me, the only thing I can recall is the dream I had dreamt through my intoxication. It was a dream that put me on edge, a dream of my past, a very long time ago, in another state of mind, in an entirely different country. I had dreamt of my previous life in France...
I was a young man then, perhaps not even sixteen, perhaps older or younger. I cannot recall. It was an entirely surreal time, which had almost felt like a dream inside a dream, as though I stumbled into a lifetime of outer body experiences, from which I would never escape, never to awaken, never to experience what it means to live as others do. It was just an apparition, an apparition of life and I was a silhouette in the moonlight, not real, not even flesh and blood. I was like mist on the meadows or a demon within the night.
A spirit is probably the best way to describe the feelings aroused in my dream. I was a spirit that touched many souls, touched them, and then demolished them. There was neither remorse nor the slightest hint of guilt present in my young mind.
I know that these memories are only of the dream world. They cannot touch me; they cannot take me back to that place. I am far from there now and no one can ever force that life back onto my mind. I know that it was a past life experience and I have no intentions of returning to that place, but I am uneasy about the dream. I swear to myself that I will never touch the drink again. I swear that I will not let it take control, as I know the intoxication had taken me there. The alcohol is the demon that had returned me to that life. It had happened many times before I had been involved with Tom. I would long to go back to that place, long for the past that I had lived many years before. The alcohol would always take me there. I would drink for that reason. I would drink every night just to go back to that place and then I would feel at ease with my mind.
Now, as I lay next to Tom’s naked body, I am not at ease. I had not wanted to visit that place last night. I have not wanted to visit it for so long. Tom is my past now and I cannot let that life return. It is not possible. That time has passed, forgotten, and no longer in reach of a sober mind.
Tom begins to stir and as he opens his eyes I kiss him gently on his soft lips.
“Good morning,” I say, as his eyes focus on me.
“Hi!” He sits up, looking at the clock. “Shit! I have to be on the set an hour ago.” He tells me, jumping out of bed.
I grab hold of his arm as he searches for his clothes on the floor. “I already called Dover and told him you would be a little late.” I explain, pulling him back onto the bed.
“And he was okay with that?”
“He did not have a choice.” I tell him and begin to kiss his chest.
Tom relaxes and lies back on the bed, enjoying my lips on his smooth flesh.
As I pull up the pebble-covered driveway to Dover’s illustrious estate, I notice the two cars parked outside and a smile creeps across my lips.
I do not care for the black Mercedes that I have pulled to a halt beside. That, I know is Andy Grimes car. It is the red corvette that has brought a smile to my lips, as I know that somewhere inside, is Joseph, and he is definitely a rook in the game that I play. There is no way to side step it. He continues to hold an intricate fascination.
I enter the front door into the large black and white marble foyer. The door to the living room is open and I hear Dover’s voice spill out into the foyer with an echo, mentioning Tom Blades name and my own, followed by Andy’s laughter and a comment by Andy that I do not quite catch.
I enter the room at that point and they all fall silent.
“Please continue.” I insist as I sit on the sofa, next to Joseph.
“That’s okay, we’ve finished,” Andy says, pouring himself a glass of ouzo, from a bottle on the coffee table.
All the furniture in Dover’s house is black - black sofa, black coffee table and black ornaments. It is morbid. I cannot understand how anyone can live surrounded by so much darkness. Of course I have been there, once, but not anymore.
I place my hand on the leg of Joseph’s tight leather pants and rub gently. Joseph shifts slightly in his seat. “I will be nice.” I promise him with a grin.
“I’m sure you will.” He laughs, removing my hand from his leg. “Please don’t Davad. You make me so nervous.”
I put my hand back on his leg, a little higher than before. “And you make me so...So, Ben, how are things going?” I ask, rubbing Joseph’s inner thigh.
“Things are going fine Davad, how about you?” He asks, putting his arm around Andy.
“Fine, everything is just fine.” I tell him, turning my attention back to Joseph. “When will you come home with me Joseph?” I ask, rubbing my hand almost all the way up his inner thigh.
He stops my hand and moves to the other end of the sofa.
“Do not run away Joseph. You know I am only playing.” I tell him and move across to sit beside him once more.
“Sometimes I wonder!” He says honestly, picking up his glass from the coffee table.
“What are you drinking?” I ask, grabbing his glass before he can answer and I sniff the contents. “Ah! Bourbon,” I say, as I hand it back to him.
“Do you want some?” He asks, offering his glass to me.
“No thanks, I do not drink,” I remind him then look over at Andy and Dover, who are participating in a tongue wrestle.
I watch them kiss and feel my stomach turn upside down. It is certainly a disgusting sight. They are both as unattractive as one another and the sight of them kissing is more disturbing than the dream I had dreamt whilst intoxicated.
“Do you have to do that? Please, you have guests,” I finally say, and they stop kissing.
“I’m sorry Davad, I thought you and Joseph were talking,” Dover apologises.
“Joseph and I do not need words to communicate.” I tell him, tapping Joseph on his knee. I stand up and walk to the door. “Can we talk in private?” I ask Dover then walk out the room.
Dover comes out into the foyer and I follow him down the cold marble corridor, past the red-carpeted stairs and into his study, which is strikingly out of contrast, with its old oak wood.
“What’s up Davad?” He asks, as I close the door.
I sit on the edge of his desk facing him as he sits in his leather chair.
“There is nothing up, unless you count the Joseph thing...No, forget that. I just want to talk.” I pause for a moment as Dover leans back in his chair. “Things are going really great for Tom and me. Tom is so happy and I have so many plans for us.” I continue, while flicking through the overflowing roller deck.
“That’s good Davad. So, have you told him yet?”
“No!” I say bluntly, as I examine one of the cards...Gunna Lanes’ personal details. Interesting!
“Jesus Davad, it’s been three weeks and you said you would tell him.”
“I know what I said, but everything is so great. Things are back to how they were and the lovemaking is so...Well, there are no words to describe it.” I tell him as I sit in a chair across from him.
“You have to tell him. You know that.”
“I will,” I promise, “it just has not been the right time.”
“When will it be the right time?” Dover asks a little annoyed.
“I do not know,” I admit and stand, “I really do not know...I have to go. I have to meet Tom. We are going out tonight.” I add, as I leave the room.
I have a spare hour before I have to meet Tom, so I decide to take a drive up into the hills. I park the car and sit there looking at the view of the city. As I examine its expansive skyline, I think of the night Tom and I had sat in this very same spot. We had left The Dungeon early and driven here. We sat for hours looking out at the city lights. Tom had said the lights reminded him of stars in the night sky and we had joked about his statement, you know, movie stars and all that.
Tom and I had made love on the bonnet of my car. It was the first and only time that we had made love outside of my home. Tom always wanted to make love wherever we went, but I could not allow that. It was too dangerous and I could not afford for people to find out. There was too much at stake, so Tom accepted the fact that we would need to confine our love making to my home.
That night had been an exception to my rules. It was possibly the best sex we had ever experienced together, but we could never repeat the incident. It would be far too risky. That night I had also given Tom a ring. It was a very old ring, one that I had worn for many years. It had belonged to my father. I had never met him and the ring was the only reminder I had of my absent creator. I assume, however, that he, my maker, was beautiful, for only a beautiful creature could have ever worn such a ring. A gold band of entwined divineness, which sparkles of jewels: A gothic masterpiece that will last for centuries.
The smile on Tom’s face, when I had given him the ring was the main reason we had ended up making love.
Now as I sit here, looking out at the view, I hope that he still loves me as much as he did that night. I do not want to lose him. I cannot possibly tell him about the cancer, unless I do something to help him remember just how much he really is in love with me. Then I will be able to tell him, and that is what tonight will be all about.
Tom is patiently waiting on his doorstep when I arrive. He walks to my car, with a smile from ear to ear. “Where are we going?” He asks as he climbs in.
“You will see,” I tell him and we begin our long drive.
I reach across and push the play button on my CD player and Blood n Fire’s ‘Yesterday’ blares out of the speakers. Tom sings along with the words as we drive through the night. He repeats the song throughout our drive. I turn it off as I pull the car to a halt at our destination. We are at a stable, on a property an hour from the city. Flowing green grass surrounds us and two horses are waiting for us amidst the grass. I climb up onto one of them, a magnificent black stallion. “Come on,” I tell Tom, as he hesitantly mounts his own white mare.
We ride along a track that leads us to the ocean. We are riding along the sand, the moonlight beams down on us and Tom seems to glow in its light. We ride the horses through the water. The sea sprays up onto our bodies and we hold hands.
Finally I dismount my horse and lay in the sand staring up at the stars. Tom lies beside me. We both lay there in silence, examining the constellations above. A shooting star fires its way across the pure black night.
“That’s you Davad. A shooting star,” Tom tells me as it disappears into oblivion.
“I am no star...I am just a free spirit,” I correct him. “You are the star Tom.”
He rests up on his elbow staring at my face as I continue to examine the sky.
“You’re more than a free spirit Davad. You are an icon.” he insists.
I sit up, facing him. “I thought we were over this idealistic bull shit Tom!”
Tom wraps his arms around me. “I can’t help it. I admire your strength. You know I do,” he whispers in my ear.
“Well I am not an icon at all. I am perhaps an iconoclast, but not an icon,” I tell him then kiss his lips.
We kiss continuously for almost five minutes then Tom pulls away. “What’s an iconoclast?” He asks dumbfounded.
“I do not want to talk anymore.” I tell him and unbutton his shirt.
Once I have taken his shirt off, Tom lies back on the sand. His body quivers, as I gently run my fingers across his smooth brown chest. As I touch his soft skin, I know that in a way I have lied to him. I am not an icon. I am not even an iconoclast. I just know that there is nothing worth valuing in life. There is nothing to believe in. All beliefs are fake, just a farce from some demented mind from the past. One who shows no remorse for those that will follow, just a demented act to screw with the average man’s mind for eternity.
“Tom, be free with me. Do as you please.” I tell him and lay back on the sand.
Tom wastes no time. He has my leather jacket and t-shirt off within seconds. As his soft lips gently caress my chest and stomach, I close my eyes to the night sky above and I know that the demented mind I have spoken of is still alive: Still alive and corrupting innocent minds from a chateau somewhere in France. My mind slips back to that place again. The darkness that surrounds me is of a darkness Tom could never fathom.
The mist has returned and I know now that it has never truly left. I do not feel intoxicated and yet it is here on the beach with Tom and me, intruding on our intimate moment. It is as though we are being watched from afar and I know that deep down the stars above have eyes, not the eyes of a man, rather the eyes of a martyr. The pain in the eyes of that martyr is beaming down on us right now as we enjoy our pleasures on the sand, and that martyr is in rage. A demented state has taken over his mind. He would strike us down within a second for our public display, if only his hands could touch us.
Tom has removed my jeans and his own. We are naked in the night and the chill of the night air caresses our bodies, sending shivers down my spine as we make love on the secluded beach.
Natalie is waiting on the sofa, when Tom arrives home.
“What’s going on, Tom?” She asks, as he enters the front door.
“What do you mean Natalie?” He asks her, sitting beside her.
“Well I haven’t seen you much in the last two months, since Davad came back.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but Davad is showing so much love for me that I just can’t help myself. I need to be with him every minute, I mean, we’ve had sex on the beach and he kissed me at The Gallery, and I just spent a week with him lazing around in Rio.”
“You were in Rio for a week?” Natalie asks, shocked.
“Yes, we spent a week in Brazil. Davad needed a break and I wasn’t filming, so we just decided to take off for a while,” Tom tells her excitedly.
“Well it was nice of you to call.”
“I’m sorry Nat, I guess I should have called, but to tell you the truth I haven’t been able to think of anything but Davad lately.”
“Am I going to lose you Tom?” Natalie asks, with tears in her eyes.
“No! Never. I’m not leaving you Natalie. I just needed this time with Davad, that’s all. I tell you what; I’ll stay home for a while. I’ll call Davad and tell him that you need me. I’m sure he’ll understand.” He tells her as he picks up the phone.
I do not want to agree to his call. However he is right that Natalie needs him just as much as I do, and I am still not ready to tell him about the cancer, so reluctantly I agree.
I spend that afternoon trying to think of something that the three of us can do together. If Natalie needs him as badly as I do, she will have to spend time with the two of us. I do not intend to leave his side, not for any longer than a day. Natalie will have no choice but to agree with me and it will be in her interest to do so.
I play Blood n Fire’s, ‘Yesterday’, repeatedly as I think through my plans. This is not normal for me. It irritates me intensely when Tom plays this song non-stop, but now I do the same.
After the fifteenth repeat, I know what I have to do. I switch the CD off and retire to my bedroom, where I put a different CD on. No more Blood n Fire, this time I play Tom’s favourite band, Banners. Tom knows the lead singer. Natalie and Tom have been friends with J.D Banners and his wife Danielle for many years, and J.D Banners will be the major draw card in my endeavour to keep Tom by my side.
Dover is stretched out on a deck chair beside the pool when we arrive at his house. It is almost mid-day and the aroma of searing steaks on the barbecue fills the air. All the regulars lie decked out here and there, by the pool. Andy and Joseph sit with their legs dangling in the water. They are probably fleshing out the fresh meat in the pool. I hear Monty’s voice above all others. He is a very loud man, but I think he just likes the sound of his own voice. That would explain why he talks so much.
“Tom, Davad, Natalie.” Dover takes off his sunglasses as we stand in front of his deck chair. “I’m so glad you made it.”
“We wouldn’t miss a Dover event for anything,” Tom tells him, “even if it’s in the middle of the day,” he adds sarcastically.
Dover stands and starts to walk away. “Well I knew you weren’t working. Get yourself something to eat Tom.”
Tom and Natalie walk across the wooden decking to the barbecue and Tom has his plate filled within seconds. I do not know how Tom can eat so much, yet still stay so thin. Once when we had taken a drive up the coast, we had stopped off at a roadhouse, to eat. Tom had polished off ten cheeseburgers without a single breath in between. It is odd seeing Tom eat. He never normally eats when I am around. Perhaps that is because the cheeseburger incident had shocked me so much, or maybe it is for a different reason, I do not know, but what I do know is that it is normally woman who do not eat in front of their men. But, Tom has no hesitations at Dover’s barbecue and takes so much food that if he put one more thing on his plate it will probably break in half
Dover has disappeared into his house, which signals it must be time to harass Andy and Joseph. I walk up behind them and casually push Andy into the pool.
“What the...” He screams, as he emerges from under the water, but does not continue when he realises who has done the pushing.
I take his place on the edge of the pool, beside Joseph. Andy swims to the other end of the pool, before getting out.
“I will push you in too, if you do not agree to coming home with me’” I tell Joseph, with a smile.
“That’s not playing fair Davad.”
“Well that is your only option,” I tell him, placing my hand on his shoulder.
“You give me no choice then.” He says and jumps into the pool.
“Who is not playing fair now?” I say as I walk away from the pool.
Tom and Natalie are sitting at a table eating their lunch. Tom looks so beautiful sitting there in the sun. His hair gleams like silk and his brown skin shines in the sunlight. Today is a great day for a barbecue, the breeze is light and the temperature is absolutely perfect.
As I walk towards Tom and Natalie I suddenly decide not to join them and instead turn my attention to finding Dover.
Dover looks up as I walk through the black tinted glass doors to his game’s room. He is seated on the edge of the pool table, kissing a young man who looks young enough to be his son, probably just turned eighteen, perhaps not even so. I smile at Dover and walk to the red sofa at the far end of the room, sit down and watch them.
Dover does not seem to mind that I am there. He continues kissing the young man and slips his hand down the front of the young man’s shorts. I watch this with amusement. It is very amusing to see someone flaunt it without any regard to the fact that they have an audience. I would never be so bold. Rather, I would never treat someone like that. Does Dover really have no consideration for this young man? Of course, I know the answer to my question and I should not have even bothered to ask it. I know very well that Dover has no consideration for anyone, but himself. I admit that generally he seems as though he does care, however, he does not fool me and I can see right through his insincere façade.
The young man looks at me as Dover kisses him on his bare chest. He is surprisingly attractive, with short brown hair neatly trimmed like a schoolboy and his eyes are a piercing green. His expression is naive, but concerned. I smile at him and he steps away from Dover, says something in a very low voice, that I cannot hear, then walks out of the glass doors to join the pool dwellers outside.
“Looks like you luck out again.” I say, in a rather sarcastic tone.
He walks across the room and takes a seat on the sofa, beside me. “He’s the one who lucked out.”
“If you say so Ben.”
Dover smiles, touching my knee. “Well if you only said yes Davad, I wouldn’t look at any other man.” He says while rubbing his hand on my leg.
“I know. You will only look at boys.” I remove his hand. “And if you ever touch me without my permission again I will break your hand.”
“I’m sorry.” He apologises and moves a little away from me on the sofa.
“I do not want to argue with you. I just want to talk. As long as you keep your hands to yourself for the rest of our conversation, I will forget your mistake and we will be able to remain friends.”
He smiles at me. It is a fake smile. He is trying to hide his fear, but it does not work. I can see the fear in his withdrawn white face and I like it. I like to make Dover feel uneasy. I like to put him right back in his place
“What are your plans for the night?” I ask him, after a short pause.
“Keep the party raging,”
“And get that young man into bed?” I ask with a grin.
“Of course,” he says, “what about you?”
I lean back on the sofa and place my hands behind my head.
“I have a night to remember planned.” I tell him. “We are going to dinner and then we will be spending the night in the penthouse of the most exclusive hotel in town.”
Dover smiles and stands. “How does Natalie feel about it?” He asks.
“She is fine with it.”
“Davad, have you...” He begins to ask a question. I know the question.
“Not yet, I told you I would when the time is right,” I tell him, to answer the question he is not allowed to ask.
Tom and Natalie sit at a table on the opposite side of the pool, with Joseph and Andy. I follow the wooden deck around the pool and take my place beside Tom. He has finished eating and has two empty plates in front of him.
Extraordinary, I think. He went back for seconds. I am glad Dover had amused me in the game’s room, as I would not have liked to witness his second helping.
“Aren’t you eating, Davad?” Dover asks as he sits across the table from me, placing his arm around Andy.
I do not bother answering his question. He knows very well that I do not eat, not in front of Tom, not in front of anyone. They probably think that I do not eat at all. They could quite possibly be right, however, every man needs sustenance in one form or another and mine comes from...
“Davad, when are we leaving?” Tom asks, breaking my thought pattern.
“Soon,” I tell him. “I thought it would take you a little longer to come,” I mock Dover.
Dover slides his hand inside Andy’s tracksuit top, rubbing his chest. “Oh, I already came,” he smiles.
“Are you being disgusting?” Joseph asks, amused.
I look Joseph in the eyes and smile. “No Joseph, I am never vulgar, although I cannot speak for Mr Dover.”
“Have you been playing around behind Andy’s back again?” Tom asks.
Dover kisses Andy on his rosy cheek. “Always,” he tells Tom, before pressing his lips against Andy’s plump lips.
“Oh please!” I beg, turning to face Tom. “Promise me you will never be so crude.”
“I’d like to think I’m a little more refined than that.” Tom tells me.
I smile at Tom then slide my arm around Natalie’s slender waist. “Jealous?” I ask her.
“Not at all!”
“You should be.”
“Why?” She asks, interested.
“Well, is it not obvious that Tom lavishes his affection on me, as I will lavish mine on him tonight?”
“So! I’m not jealous. He still comes home to me, his wife!” She scoffs.
“That hurts me right here,” I tell her, placing my hand over my heart, “however, Tom will be spending the night with me tonight, so I am sure I know where his heart lies.”
“Shut up Davad! You’re so full of it!” Natalie snaps.
“Temper, temper, Natalie,” I mock and squeeze her tiny waist, “you know I care for you dearly and I would never do anything to betray you.”
“I know.” She admits, smiling.
“You think that I make you sick, Davad. I think you and Natalie make everyone sick” Dover butts in.
I ignore this comment and kiss Natalie on her soft cheek. She is very beautiful, or rather, attractive. Sometimes I wonder if my life was different, would I be physically attracted to her. However, in this life that I live, there is no way I could be. Tom is my attraction and no woman, including Natalie, can steal the love that I feel for him. It is far too intense for them to steal. A woman cannot possibly satisfy my desires, not even the most desirable of them. They cannot set the fires raging in my soul as Tom does. They cannot even quench my thirst for lust. Tom is the only person who can fill the hole in my chest where my heart supposedly dwells. He is my conviction, a burden on my soul for all eternity.
“Oh Tom, I almost forgot to tell you. There was someone here earlier, who was really looking forward to meeting you,” Dover suddenly blurts out.
“Really, who was that?” Tom asks, not really interested in knowing about any of Dover’s friends.
“Gunna Lane!” Dover informs him.
“Blood n Fire, were here?” Tom asks, excitedly.
“No. Just Gunna. The band was busy.”
“What! Making that album they have been working on for the past three years?” I ask.
“Yes, that’s exactly what they were doing,” Dover snaps back at me.
It is so easy to rile Dover up when it comes to Blood n Fire. They are money in the bank for his record company. The only problem is that they have not done anything for the past three years. Dover is a sucker. He believes that they are working on new material, and because Gunna Lane is so psychotic, Dover cannot question their integrity.
“Gunna Lane really wanted to meet me?” Tom asks, with a huge smile on his lips.
“Yes he did, but he had to leave, so he told me to tell you, maybe next time.”
“Not if I can help it.” Joseph says, almost under his breath.
“Do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice Joseph?” I ask, drawing everyone’s attention to him.
“Not at all,” he tells me then looks around the table at all the staring eyes.
“I believe I do, Joseph. Do you think that my Tom here is going to steal your darling boy...?”
“That’s enough, Davad, okay. That’s enough for now.” Joseph snaps viciously, cutting me off.
Dover and Andy laugh at Joseph’s outburst, as we all know that Joseph is in love with Gunna, but because they work so closely with one another Joseph prefers that his secret does not become common knowledge.
I stand up. “We will be leaving now, and Joseph, you have nothing to worry about, Tom here, is never unfaithful, and Gunna...No, never mind.” I tell him, saving him from another explosive outburst.
“What’s that all about?” Tom asks as we leave Dover’s party.
“Some other time,” I tell him.