Heaven’s Regrets (Book 1)

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Chapter Nineteen

He. Smacked. My. Ass.

Did he just fucking do that, or am I drunk enough to be hallucinating?

"Ay, you listenin' to me or what woman?" He stammers.

I sneak the gun from Cade's holster and turn around, shoving it in ol' drunk asses face, "I am now."

"Jesus, Cass! Why are you always so damn trigger happy?" Caden thunders.

The bar goes silent. God damn nosey fucks. I see Ghost making his way toward me, and my anger reaches an all the time high.

"What? He smacked my fucking ass. Am I supposed to just let this pervert run freely assaulting women?" I huff, shoving the gun back in Cade's holster.

"Next time, I won't hesitate to pull the trigger." I pat the old drunk's face and walk away.

I hear the commotion behind me as Caden and Carter rip into the bastard. That’s one nice thing about the Saints. They all knew better than to lay a hand on me. But then again, they know the truth about who I am.

Slamming the shop door behind me, I pull the latter down to my little getaway spot. There isn't much to it, leads to another hatch to get on the roof. I spent more nights than I can count up on this roof, hiding from Dad when he was on the warpath, but mostly hiding from the world. No one really bothered me up here.

I hear the bar door open, so I peer over the side to see who came out. I wish I hadn't. It was Ghost and good ol' Cathy.

I roll back over, laying on my back, just watching the stars, trying to calm my rage that just seems to be growing by the day. This can't be normal for a twenty-year-old to have this much anger.

That's what made being a hitman a little easier. It dwindled the fire that was constantly raging in my mind. I miss the days when life was simple before I met Ghost. He was my undoing.

I never used to have this anger in my heart. I was a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. Only upset when I ran out of art supplies, but I hadn't even drawn a doodle in over a year now.

That day honestly wrecked me. I don't think a person can come back from that kind of hurt.

Cathy's mad obnoxious laugh kept interrupting my thoughts. I was just trying to find my damn inner zen or whatever the fuck.

"If you can't shut your whore up, can you at least toss another bottle up to soothe my ears!" I yell over the edge.

"What in the hell are you doing up there!" Ghost shouts back.

"It's called relaxing. You should try it sometime! Are you bringing me another bottle or what!" All of a sudden, hit with the giggles, I about topple over the edge.

"Jesus, Cass! Get the fuck down before you break the rest of your body!"

"Whatever! I'm sure some other kind soul will bring me one!" I roll back over and pull my phone out.

Scrolling through the contacts, I finally land on Caden. He will bring me some Jack! He's always game for a fun time. I press call waiting for him to pick up I hear his phone ringing close by.

I peer back over the edge, and Caden was standing next to Carter, laughing his ass off. Carter, on the other hand, looks pissed.

"You have some sort of fucking suicidal fantasy going on or what?" Carter bellows, throwing his hand at Cade's stomach, ending his laughter.

"Why is everyone so damn uptight tonight? I come up here all the time!"

"You're going to get yourself killed! You already have a busted leg. What the actual hell is going through that thick fuckin' skull of yours?"

If only they knew… “Nothing! God damn. I'm coming down, party poopers!" I sigh.

I walk right past all of them but Cade follows me through the bar up to my room.

"So what's going on, Cassie? I know you've been through a lot the last couple of years, but something is different now. It's like you don't have a single care for your well-being or even your life. I'm worried about you. You're my little sister. I don't want to lose you like we lost.." he trails off.

"Mom?" I finish his sentence.

"Well yeah, I mean, you saw what it did to all of us. It would be no different if we lost you."

I could see the hurt in his eyes. I don't usually see this side of Caden. He's either ripping people apart or living without a care in the world.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm just processing it all. Dealing with it in my way, you know?"

"Don't you get it, Cassie? Your way is going to get you fucking killed. Whether you realize it or not."

"I'll be more careful, okay?" I try reassuring him.

"I hope for everyone's sake, you are. We love you more than you realize." He glances at the door then back to me, "You want to come back down with me? Might be our last night of freedom."

"Yeah, sure."

I catch Cassie glaring at me when she comes back to the bar. I feel a little guilty that I had run straight to another girl instead of just talking with her, especially when it was probably one of those big defining moments I should have stuck around for.

I know I'm no good for her, but I can't stop myself when I'm around her. I just want to be close to her. I need to make my fucking mind up and fucking stick to it instead of messing with her fuckin' head nonstop.

She doesn't deserve the shit I put her through, and I sure as hell don’t deserve her.

I’m still eyeing Cass as Slayer walks up to her, I can't quite hear their conversation, but from the look on Cass's face, she’s enjoying his company.

I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I repeat to myself. She can see other guys. Hell, that's what I want. Isn't it?

I watch him weave his arm around her lower back, and I want to shoot his fucking dick off!

"Hey, are you listening?" Cathy coos in my ear.

"Uh, sorry. What's up?" I respond to her but keep my eyes on Cass and Slayer.

"I said, do you want to get out of here?" She runs her clammy hand up my arm.

"Fuck it. Why not?" I look back to Cathy, wrapping my arm around her leading her to my bike. Like hell, I was going to sit here and watch Cass with Slayer.

Huh. So this must be how she feels seeing me with other women? I'm the fucking worst. Why would she ever even give me the time of day? She should have put that damn bullet in my skull and saved us both the torture.

I feel Cathy's arms snake tighter around my torso, bringing me back to reality. We’re just pulling into one of the sleaze bag motels just on the outskirts of town.

I've never let a club girl sleep in my bed. Fucking a club girl is one thing. Them staying the night is another. I've never let anyone but Cassie sleep with me. It's not a praise earning fact, but it means something to me nonetheless.

Everywhere I turn is a damn reminder, like a fucking curse sewing its dark, twisted seeds through every inch of my life, forced to live in a state of torture reminding me of what I can't have but need more than anything.

I need to get her out of my head, even for just a night. If I can make it a night, I could work toward pushing her out of my mind for good. That’s my plan, starting tonight.

We walk in through the creaky rusted old motel door. The receptionist looks surprisingly clean to be working here, “Just a room for the night." I throw a wad of cash on the counter.

"Right away. Room twelve is all yours, the last door on the left. Enjoy your night!"

Cathy swipes the keys off the counter and leads us down the hall finding room twelve quickly enough. I'm sure she’s spent plenty of nights here.

She unlocks the door and pulls me in by the collar of my leather jacket. Don't get me wrong, I love a woman in charge. It just isn't doing it for me tonight. It has my stomach in a knot instead.

"So, just what are you planning to do with me tonight?" I smirk, trying to push through the nausea I spin her under my arm. I have to get rid of this feeling.

"Let's just see where the night takes us, Ghost." She pulls a joint out of her bag, lights it up, and hands it to me. Thank fuck. I couldn't do this sober.

"Just what I needed." I grab the joint taking a few puffs, before passing it back, "Got anything else in that magical bag of yours?" I laugh.

Sure shit, she pulls out a bottle of tequila. Nasty shit, but it'll do the trick easy enough, at least.
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