Heaven’s Regrets (Book 1)

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Chapter Twenty

I wake up to my phone buzzing against the nightstand. The screen reads 'Ghost’ I hit ignore and roll back over. It’s barely after three a.m.

Whatever it is can fucking wait.

Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

"Ghost! It's three in the damn morning! Leave me alone." I hang up.

Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

"Fucking hell." I groan, answering again, “What could you possibly fucking want right now?"

"I need a ride. I'm at uh, hold on a sec."

You've got to be kidding me. I can hear him asking Cathy where he is and she’s just laughing for no damn reason.

"I'm over at the Black Dart motel. I'm way too fucked up to ride back, Cass. You have to come get me, please."

"Yeah, I'll send the boys. Night Ghost." I mumble, halfway falling back asleep.

"No, Cass. You have to."

Fuck that if I have to, "You'll be there long enough to sober up if that's the case. I'm not chasing your ass around town at three in the fucking morning, Ghost."

"Just-t please, Cass-s-s." He stutters.

"Whatever. Be fucking ready to go." I disconnect and dial my brother's number, sending him to pick the drunk fool up.

He made his bed with her. He could sure as fuck can lie in it with her for all I care right now. I throw my phone on the chair across the room and fall right back asleep.

Being woken up to pounding on your door is rarely a good thing. I grab the gun out of my nightstand and sneak over to my bedroom door, and I very slowly turn the lock, hoping to fuck they won't hear it disengage.

When the pounding continues, I know I’m in the clear. I swing the door open, throwing my gun in the fuckers face, "God damn it! What do I have to do to get fucking rid of you? You're like a damn cockroach!" I scream at Ghost.

"Why didn't you pick me up?" He looks genuinely confused as he pushes through my door, making himself right at home.

"Ghost! What. Are. You. Doing! I could have fucking shot you!"

"Again?" He chuckles, stumbling to my bed.

"Yeah, again! Get the hell out of my room, dude!" I’m past fuming, “Who the hell do you think you are? Riding in and out of my fucking life like it's your day job! I'm done with this shit. Leave, or I will." I stand my ground, and I mean every word.

"Cassie! Please. Nothing fucking happened, honest to god damn Oath Cass!" His eyes are fixed on me, then suddenly dart to the floor, “I couldn't fucking do it. I couldn't get you out of my head." He looks back at me, trying to read my expression.

"As I said, leave, or I will." My voice is quiet but firm and void of emotion. I’m done with the back and forth. I might lose my fucking mind if I don't stop this revolving door.

"Cass. I will get on my damn knees and beg right now. Please just let me stay. I'm so so sorry. I wasn't fucking thinking. I never fucking am."

"Fine, you can stay." I take my shit off the chair and go to Carter's room. Ghost would have to be certifiably insane to try going in there.

Carter, like the gentleman he is, gave me the bed. I would have been more than happy to sleep on the floor if it got me away from Ghost.

I don't know what his deal is, but I no longer care enough to find out. He's giving me fucking whiplash.

Carter and Caden come to the room around nine to let me know they were riding out with a couple of other Chapters to another Saint’s property.

They've spent months tracking them down. Slimy little fucks had a dozen safe houses around the state when I was with them. I'm sure even more by now. I’m not being brought into the picture until they find Fresno, the Saint’s puppet master.

I've told my Dad and the other Presidents every location and name I know—a small perk to once rolling with the Saints.

We’re closing in, the big finale is just around the corner, and I can't fucking wait to have my moment.

I make my way down to the kitchen around eleven, most of the club is gone, and the rest are still sleeping off hangovers. This is one of my favorite times of the day, when the club is empty and calm.

The club girls cooked up a whole ass buffet. I put a little bit of everything on my plate and make some bull shit small talk as I sit down to eat.

Cathy has been acting particularly nervous for some odd fucking reason. She won't even look at me. The more I try to ignore it, the more it bothers me. I toss my plate in the sink and can't stop myself from walking up to her, "Cathy. Is there something I need to know about? You're acting strange." I try to keep my voice low. I don't want to embarrass her.

Other than seeing her with Ghost, I have no issues with her or what she does. Hell, even seeing her with him, it wasn't her that pissed me off. She was just doing what all the club girls are hired for.

"Oh no, not that I can think of. Sorry, I just had a long weird night. Trying to make sense of it, you know?"

Boy, did I ever know, "I get that. I just wanted to check-in, and also apologize for my behavior last night. It was nothing personal, and I didn't mean to direct anything towards you. Men are just flat-out stupid and get the best of us sometimes." I shrug.

"Oh. Yeah, no worries. Tale as old as time!" Her whole body shakes as she laughs. I still can't stand her laugh, but it makes me laugh nonetheless.

"You know, you should give him a chance." She nods toward Ghost. I hadn't even realized he came in. "I mean, at least hear him out. He wouldn't stop gushing over you all night last night! I finally convinced him to call you after he relaxed a bit. I don't know what you have over him, but seeing you with Slayer had him reeling." She winks as she pats my arm, “But what do I know? I'm just a club girl." And there was that laugh again.

"Maybe, I'll think about it, thanks." I walk right past Ghost like he was one. It hurts, no doubt.

Unfortunately, this is how it has to be. I can't keep getting my hopes up to be let down again. It's clear as day he couldn't accept my past.

I close my door and throw myself on my bed. I’m still drained from last night. It’s hard not to get lost in fantasies of what could be, and I know in my core that we could make things work if we throw our bullshit excuses to the wind. Let's be honest, though. We're too damn stubborn to admit what's been there all along.

As if on cue, there’s a knock at my door.

"Cassie, can I come in, please? We need to talk. Really talk."

I can hear the pain in his voice and I won't lie, it kills me, “Yeah. Doors open."

I pull the chair up to her side of the bed directly in front of her. We sit in silence for a few moments before it all comes spilling out of my mouth, “We both know we've done some shit we can't take back, and we're just too damn set in our ways. But I'm laying it all out on the line right now because I have no clue if either of us will survive this damn war." I grab her hand, studying her face for a moment, "I have no clue what I was doing the night you told me you were pregnant. I couldn't even admit my feelings to you. How could I possibly put any input on something that huge? It wouldn't have been fair."

"I had a pretty good idea of how you felt. You just wouldn't say it out loud." She laughs.

"This is serious Cass, just let me get this out, please. I can't take it anymore, the constant back and forth. I'm getting too old to be playing these games. So I'm telling you right now, loud and clear. I am so damn sorry for all of it, and I know I've given this speech more times than I can count. But I mean it every single time. Things just tear us apart before we ever truly get to be together. That's all I want is to be with you. All bullshit aside, that's the bottom line. I'd marry you tomorrow just to prove it."

I notice how surprised the words make her, but it was all or nothing for me at this point. And I want it all.

Sending it home, I continue, "I feel like I can't breathe without you. I can't do a single thing without some reminder of you. It's eating me alive not to be with you. I will spend the rest of my damn life making it up to you. I've treated you horribly, honestly for no reason other than I'm too damn self-absorbed. I'll admit that it was me keeping us apart, and I'm done. I need you, all of you, forever."

It's hard as hell talking about all the adult relationship shit no one wants to deal with. It's much easier to fall back into old habits instead, and we were vices for each other. Addicting, just enough so that we keep coming back for more.

Well, until it gets us killed.
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