Point of View: Metanoia Volume 1
JB is my omniscient imaginary friend; it's not its real name but I figured J and B are great acronyms. He has been my support system for many many tears and years. Call me absurd, but at least JB has been there for me wherever I go.
I tell myself at constant times that if I am the smartest in the room, then I'll be somewhat acceptable and worthy of living. Every day, I try to study at a very immense period of time. But at the vast of times, I am starting to realize that the only progress that I am making is developing my lethargic state of mind.
I made friends at a very young age, but I did not realize soon enough that the only gripping reason why I am friends with them is what we can do for each other and how it satisfied their lives.
Claire is my childhood friend. We went to school together, leave school together and even had a forethought of going to the same high school together. But even then, we had the slightest iota of how a single piece of paper changes our whole lives.
The sunset was apparent to our eyes as I was cleaning up our classrooms. One of my classmates, Jo, confronts me in a solemn motion.
"Look, before I give you this I just want to let you know that I have the very least intention of ruining your friendship with Claire.", Jo says, keeping her eyes on the floor.
At first, I stared at her confusingly as she extends her arms, giving me the piece of paper. The paper seems to be a tally between me and Claire, battling against one another on who is more "interesting" than the other.
I knew that once I ruminate about the tally a little longer, it'll only get worse by any second. And it did, I gave that piece of paper power to engulf myself with hatred and antipathy.
"I gave you a forewarning that you shouldn't.", JB says.
"Why can't the world just let me be happy? Why can't I feel raptures in the wake of all the longing nights of tribulations? Why can't I look up into the positivity of success, instead of looking down on the negativity of failing?", I exclaim, trying to hold down my tears.
"People face challenges, always. We have different mechanisms to face it. Now, you don't know what Claire is feeling right now as well as she doesn't know what you're feeling right now. And those people who wrote that (points to the note) may not care of how you feel. But I do know this: your mother strives to clean every bathrooms she can for you to live the ideal life. Your father sacrifices to be a thousand miles away from her daughter for you to live the best.", JB explains.
"I'd say you got the whole world with you. And besides you have me. I don't have money..but I have some tricks up on my sleeves.", JB adds, as I smirk. "Keep doing what is right. It'll all be worth it.", JB says.
I am not one for confrontation, I am not built to do so. Therefore, I never did disclose Claire of my awareness of the tally as we continue to go to school together, leave school together and how our forethought of going to the same school together furthers away like a dust in the wind.
It is the third time, that I struggle to keep my eyes closed until the daylight shun upon. The clock ticks each second as minutes turned into hours. I do take appreciation of the moonlight. At night where the world seems to move at its slowest pace, I glare at the walls so much so that I could see through the moonlit of the skies. The atmosphere is quiet and one thing that matters then is the flourishing imaginations our minds make up to evade the grim future ahead of us.
I made up my mind and decided to go downstairs, and see my mother awake in the middle of the night. She drinks her prescription drugs as she pours down water for me.
"Why are you always quiet? I don't mean anything but I told you, you can keep secrets from me, as long as it doesn't destroy someone.", my mother says.
"It's not that I'm keeping secrets. I just realized that there are words out there that could potentially and unknowingly hurt someone.", I reply, as I glare at my mother's prescription drugs.
"That's not anything serious, right? I meant the medicine you're taking.", I clarify.
"Oh, no no no. It's just to calm my nerves down. A doctor said I should take these for the meantime.", my mother reassures me.
A handful of teachers engulfed the entirety of the classroom as it is the day when a student is chosen to represent the insitution for this year's Science Quiz.
The highest scores were announced as all eyes are already looking at me. Once they mutter the student's name, what I could not bear then is how I slowly drown in the quicksand of disgrace and realize that it was not my name but 'Eric'.
I walked home, knowing my mother is ashamed of me and had heard of what happened. Yet before she utters a word, I evade the curiosity of what else could she say to me. I remained to my room, building blocks to secure my growing temper for the time being.
"What happened?", my mother intercedes as she knocks inside asking for relief. Then suddenly, without a forewarning, the blocks I've built were encroached by my mother, tears dropped instantly as she did.
"I don't know.", my voice breaks as did the blocks I've built.
"I thought if I become the smartest person in the room, then I become 'interesting' to people. But I am not. It's still not enough.", I say. "I am not pretty. I am not athletic. No one would even spend a minute to look at me. And apparently I'm not even smart.", I say as I look for the alleviation from my mother.
"If I'm not smart, not athletic, not pretty, then what am I? Who am I?", mother finally reaches for me as my soul starts to lift up from the deep pit.
"You're enough, Aurie...you're more than enough.", my mother says.
The story of my life did not cease to end, unlike my constant urge to strive for perfection. This, I am certain because of the fact that I have an aversion to mirrors. At one point of my life, I gathered that I would very much rather take the long path than to walk up into an aisle full of mirrors, merely to get to my mother whose attention can not be interrupted with.
"Mom, what is it with that comb that you seem to be attracted to?", I ask my mother. "It's not for me. It's for the exchange gift, remember?", she explains.
Every Christmas Eve, we have a tradition to celebrate Christmas and New Year's in a family member's household. This year, my mother and I were tasked to host the celebratory dinner with our family relatives.
We were on the way to the nearest bus station when my sanguine Uncle comes on our way and offered us a ride. Throughout the course of the ride was plain silence until...
"Aurie, have you had plans for the future?", my uncle asks suddenly.
"No, recent plans that aren't conventional.", I said.
"For now. But I seem to have a hunch that you have big plans.", emphasis on the word 'big'. You see, that's funny. 'Cause I'm very keen to see the future without me in it.
"Aurie, come sit. You look like a stick there.", somebody uttered. I decided to walk away from the room and go instead to my mother, who is washing the dishes.
"Will you let me help you?", I ask, as she hands me the plate to be washed. "What gift should I give you?", I ask my mother.
"I don't need no gifts, anymore.", my mother plainly replies. She stares at me for a while.
"You should probably go upstairs and see what's under your bed.", my mother says, implying that she got me a gift for Christmas. I ran upstairs hastily and found the John Green Book Collection as I cannot help myself but to smile.
"Don't worry, the stars are not gonna go away until your true wishes come true.", JB promises.
A champagne toast has taken place downstairs, as my mother announces the most momentous and special gift she had received for a very long time.
"I'm having a baby!!", she exclaims. Every family member greeted her with luck and felicitations. I was ambivalent at the time, unable to process such huge information.
As the night caves in and the visitors had left, my mother confronted me. But as soon as she steps in, I asked her first, "How do you feel?".
"I hope I do a good job as much as I do with you.", my mother replies as I start to feel guilt. "How about you?", she asks, as I expected her to.
"I don't know. I hope I don't merely exist to destroy his life.", I reply with the increasing weight in my heart.
"You're not going to destroy somebody's life.", mother says.
"I already am.", I say and scoff.
"No, you're not. You still have plenty of things to discover and aspire to. Your life is not destroyed nor it will ever be.", my mother explains.
"That's not who I mean.", I reply as I look at my mother, implying that I am destrying my mother's life.
"You're not destroying my life either. I like what I do, Aurie.",my mother reassure me, once more.
"What? Scrubbing and mopping floors?", I reply.
"I like what I do because I do it for you. I need you to strive and reach the pinnacle of your life.", my mother says. "It breaks my heart that sometimes or oftentimes you feel either failing is your worst fate or that ending your life is always the solution.", my mother adds.
I ultimately realized how I take everything in front of me for granted as I caught myself being startled by the fact that my eyes are only open for the mistakes and flaws I have.
Another month has passed as I struggle each night to put myself to sleep. Although I have been longing to rest, all night I stayed awake, listening as the clock ticks. The sound of crickets grows louder as the night seemed like it is forever.
"I hate this.", I said to myself. I used to have so much passion for the moon and night. But all I can think of right now, is how I can expedite the beginning of morning twilight.
I went to school talking, moving, walking, and looking like a zombie. Today, we are tasked to be in a group for the beautification of our chosen place. I come across Claire, who seemed to be indifferent.
"Are you okay?", I ask her with concern.
"Aurie, it's just that...", Claire cannot seem to bring out her emotions. "We already chosen a place...and our group is already full. We thought that somebody else seems more useful.", Claire says, as she keeps explaining the situation, making every thing worse by second.
I finally walked alone and left school all by myself. I cannot bring myself to be mad at Claire, I don't know why.
"They quit on me.", I simply said to JB. "Claire told me they found someone more 'useful', whatever that means. I let them talk shit about me. And I stood there. I stood there and I freaking apologized to them. I don't know why. But I apologized.", I explain, holding the tears.
"I'm tired...I'm so so tired at being quiet. I am so tired at keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired at letting people backstab me and trash talk. I am just so tired.", I let go of every little emotion I had.
"I want to end it...I have to end me. All is well and done for everyone.", I realized.
"That's selfish.", JB says.
"They'll move on eventually.", I reply, thinking of my parents.
"It's gonna get harder for them.", JB persistently dissuades me.
"It'll get better.", I say.
"Because in my life, once life gets better, I know the worst is yet to come.", I answer.
"But isn't that the exact meaning of life?", JB asks a rhetorical question.
"No, it's not. Other people face challenges everyday. But what I face is just plain misery.", I relentlessly tell him.
"But you still love them, don't you?", he says, insinuating every one I've ever loved and cared about.
"What's your point?", I whisper.
"I believe you know precisely what I mean. Because, as a matter of fact, you know everything that I'm going to say before it even reaches your ear. Because everything, including me, is all in your devious head.", JB ultimately tells the veracious truth.
"You don't want to kill yourself, Aurie. Trust me, you don't. You want to change your life and how you perceive it. Find something to look forward to. Just wait a little longer. Have patience, Aurie. It'll all be worth it.", JB, once again, gave me enlightenment.
The Graduation Ceremony finally came, as I have been yearning for it to happen sooner. With patience and faith, I am placed as 1st honor. Whenever I see my family, especially my mother, proud at what I do and who I've become, it is and always will be like I won a million dollars.
The day after my graduation, my mother, along with my uncle, rush to the hospital as it is apparently the expected birthdate of my baby brother. As I enter my mother's hospital room, a thousand of emotions came rushing in.
"Are you ready to see him?", a nurse asks my mother and I to see the baby. My baby brother is swaddled in a warm blanket as I touch his tiny fingertips.
"How are you not real?", I ask, as JB turns her head around. "Like, you are one of the realest person I've ever met. But then again, you're not real.", I explain.
"Well, how do you know I don't exist?", JB answers.
"Nobody in this freaking world treats other people like they matter the most, not but themselves.", I explain. "Thank you for existing in my life.", I say to him.
"Why", JB smirks.
"Cause you gave me something to believe in. It is very clear that I'm never going to believe in myself.", I reply.
"The word never is an overused word. We should never say the word never. I know, no pun intended. But you guys use it way too much without even knowing its real meaning. I mean, nothing really stays never.", JB says.
"Thank you for everything.", I finally felt raptures in the wake of longing nights.
"It's all worth it.", JB's last words.
I look up to the stars and glare upon JB, merely to find out that he is gone.