I genuinely thought that I was a selfless person because I always put others ahead of myself. Whenever I gave my time to someone or whenever I gave what's mine to satisfy another, I thought that it was because I was selfless.
It didn't matter if I overexerted myself just to open a door of rest for a friend. I didn't care if I lacked sleep if it meant that someone else was going to get a good night's rest.
Personal sacrifices didn't bother me as long as I knew that someone was in a pleasant situation because I put up with what should've been their burdens because I believed that I was doing all of it out of the kindness of my heart. But, as you see by how many "I's," "my's," and "me's" I've written already, I'm not selfless at all. In fact, I'm a very selfish person.
In all my efforts, I wasn't really trying to help others. Rather, I was making attempts to be seen. I wasn't being nice to them for them, I was being nice for myself because somewhere in the deepest recesses of my heart is an unquenchable desire to be noticed; and not just noticed as in acknowledged but noticed as in seen completely and loved.
Love is a mystery, isn't it? I want to be loved which is why I do things I don't really want to do just so I'd be given even just a little bit of it. But when it supposedly comes, I can't even identify it.
Love is supposed to be free, right? It's supposed to be the cure to all pain and heartache, right? But why it so powerfully exists and is so elusive at the same time, I couldn't really understand. How could it be the desire of every man yet the possession of seemingly no one? It's funny how I want it so much yet I comprehend nothing of it.
And so, in all the kindness I thought I've shown to others, I wasn't selfless at all. I was selfish. Absolutely, undeniably selfish.
I'd like to have someone to blame for being this way. I mean, there had been people who've filled me up then emptied me in the blink of an eye; people whom I have given myself to completely and threw me away after they've got the best of me. But then, despite the trouble those people caused me, I'm still to blame.
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