I wanted to read the story of my life. I have made mistakes and hurt people along the way and this was very difficult to swallow. Digging into my past I’ve felt emotions over again, felt new emotions, and looked at my actions from a different perspective. Feeling these emotions more than once took it’s toll on me. I felt a lot of sadness. Sadness that I had pushed deep down inside of me because I needed to be a functioning human being. At times, while I was writing, I felt embarrassed for myself. I wondered why I couldn’t be better. I tried to write in such a way that I only reveal what I learned in that moment in time. I have grown and learned immensely from these events that happened so long ago. I continue to learn every day. I continue to be human and make mistakes every day. I continue to do the things I have done in my past over and over again, like I didn’t learn from my mistakes at all. I’m becoming more myself, more of the person I am meant to be.Reading through my journal entries is one of the most healing and humorous things I have ever done. I highly recommend this as a process to grow. To learn how to laugh at yourself. To be so completely embarrassed that all you can do is laugh and think well, that is who I was. Or maybe who I am. It can confirm that our past is our past and that our feelings can change about a person or an event drastically and very quickly based on circumstance. We can love someone, be devastated by them, and hate them in a moment. Let it unfold. Every emotion. Feel it, live it, talk about it. Scream in a field, punch a pillow, pray; and most importantly don’t pretend you are happy if you are not. Let the madness within you out. People want to listen, even if you have to pay them.
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don’t bring forth what is within you, what you don’t bring forth will destroy you.”—Gospel of Thomas.