What is this?
The mind is a very complex thing. It is something that stores our experiences and thoughts. It is something the creates new experiences and thoughts. It learns and at the same time, it makes mistakes. It is our ego and defines who we are.
Psychiatrists think they can determine how our brain defines us. Some can, but do they ever get the full picture. Can anyone ever say what is going on in someone’s brain? It is an advanced puzzle or like a bowl of spaghetti.
I have been told that it could be interesting in seeing what happens in my brain, and that gave me the idea for this experiment.
“Me” is me digging in my brain for thoughts and experiences. It is not an attempt to figure out who I am or how I think. That would be an impossible task. So you are about to read random thoughts and experiences. They are different from each other and there is no line of thought in “Me.” It is jumping left and right, up and down. It is a mess of words and could be a challenge to read.
It can also be a challenge on thinking about what happens in your brain when you read this!
“My mind is childish”
This is the first thought that came to my head. This does not mean that I think without knowledge and intelligence. Let me explain what I mean.
I can be egocentric and think why do people not have the same views as me. How can people have some beliefs they have and live the way they do! If everyone thought and acted the way that I do, then the world would be a better place. It may be more boring, but there would be no war and everyone would respect each other.
A child often thinks simplistic and accepts a lot. I am quite the same. I often think simplistically. It’s either black or white, there is no between. I do not like long explanations, just short ones. At times, I even have problems with concentrating.
I will not go so far as to say that I think as I child. I will say that I can be quite childish. I do not consider that a negative thing. The question is did some of my abilities like willpower or responsibility not get developed.
“Good Food is bad for you”
One thing some people say about me is that I change the subject quite unexpectedly. You will see this as you read on.
I need to go on a diet and lose lots of weight. I know what to do. Eat less or eat more healthy and exercise more. I have no patience and no willpower. It would take months... no years to lose the weight and it would be total agony. We are told to eat healthy food such as Salads and food with Fiber.
This is easy to say. I honestly think that God has humour. I think all the food that is bad for us tastes so good and all the food that is good for us tastes so bad. I think salad is for rabbits and love chocolate and sweet things. I love burgers but hate healthy bread. I love coco Cola, but hate water! Of course, I drink Coke Zero, but there are probably things in that which is just as bad as sugar. One thing to consider is not that many slim people drink sugar-free soda.
I am not the only one that should be on a diet. The greatest problem is that it is so easy to gain weight. I think I gain weight just by breathing air. Losing weight will need some overwhelming miracle. Of course, I wish that it would happen, but I feel like my head will explode when I think about it.
“I am no Charles Dickens”
I started writing in 2008 and have written a lot of stories under this name and other pen names. I do not think I have a huge talent in writing and it surprises me when people write to me telling me that they are a fan or can’t wait for the next story.
Other people ask why I write. I think it is a type of therapy for me. At times there are so many things going on in my head, that I think my head will explode. At times my head feels like it is like spaghetti. Maybe this is a reason why I get so many anxiety attacks, hear voices and at times hallucinating. When I write, It helps to put ideas and feelings in words. It helps calm my mind. So even though I open up for the public, the origin of writing is that it helps me from not going crazy!
“My mother is my hero”
I will admit that I am a mothers boy. This has not changed even though I am middle-aged now. I have 3 brothers and they were all considered to be Dads boys. In many ways, I was the black sheep of the family. I do not think that my brothers could or would admit that they are a mothers boy, so in a way it makes me feel special.
This has not always been the way. When I was a teenager, my mother and I were in one big fight. I felt like she was the most old fashioned, ego-centred and ignorant woman in the world. Every time we spoke to each other it ended in a verbal fight that could go on for days. When I look back at it, I think that I started rebelling and wanted her to know that I could think for myself.
I think that parents find it hard when their children get older and more independent. I am now a grandfather, and my mom still speaks to me as if I was 10 years old.
I can see that my mother made many mistakes as a mother. I think the worse is that she destroyed my self-esteem in various ways. I promised that I would not do this with my children. Indeed I do not think I made the same mistakes as my mom, but I made so many other mistakes and some were worse than what she had done.
As I got older, I could see that my mom had unconditional and endless love. I have done some things that have destroyed friendships, my marriage and my life and my will to live. During the darkest times of my life, my mom was there supporting me.
Nowadays, I consider my mom my hero and a person that I look up to. She is wise in many ways, a saint and has a heart of gold. She does act at times that makes me laugh. I am sure I will name them later.
“I am THE biggest Madonna fan”
I started following Madonna before she became famous. My older brother sent me a bootleg tape of her when she was singing demos and in some club. Her voice and music touched my heart in a way music never had. When she became famous, then I was her biggest fan and had to have everything she released, which was quite a lot in the mid-’80s.
Not many would admit that they were Madonna fans. This made me feel more special. I began to like her public personality. She was different and not afraid of what the public thought. Madonna was never afraid of shocking people, although sometimes she did go a bit too far.
One thing about being a fan of Madonna is that her songs act as a memory book. When I listen to a song, I can remember what I was doing in my life at the moment. This gives her songs more of a nostalgic feeling.
“Being politically confused”
One of my greatest hobbies is politics. I love what happens in the world of politics and analyse what is happening. I can never understand that politicians make the same mistakes as countless politicians have made before them.
I took a political test once and my beliefs were all over the spectrum. In some areas, I was very left and in some areas I was very conservative. Does that mean I am strange when it comes to politics? Maybe I am political confused.
My children are political and we often discuss politics. They have a compassionate view when it comes to people and at the same time, they know the government cannot spend what they do not have. This shows that there is hope for the future.
It was not my first kiss, but it was my most confusing kiss. When I was 12, I was walking in class. A boy walked up to me and kissed me on the lips. I stood there and was confused. I wondered why he had done this. I experienced a lot of abuse, which also meant pictures. As I stood there, I was wondering did he know my secret about abuse. I was afraid the whole school would know.
I never did talk to him as to why he kissed me. I was raised in Ireland, and being gay was still a big sin. To this day, I wonder did he know about the abuse or was he just gay?
Let time standstill
As a child, I never thought that I would get married. However, when I was 20, I met a Danish girl. All the others thought she was too religious and a bit of a tomboy. For me, it was love at first sight. There was something special about her. Others did not think that she was pretty, but I thought she was like a goddess. To make it better, she had the heart and mind of a saint.
We fell in love and despite I had some girlfriends, it was like being on a pink cloud with her. I think that everyone should experience falling in love. It is like you share your mind, body and soul with someone else. I wanted this time to last forever. I even tried stopping time by throwing a clock out the window. Time did not stop. The pink cloud did not last.
A weird Friendship
One of the weirdest friendships I had was with a boy called Stefan. I was a scout leader and he just joined the scouts. He seemed to cling to me and this ended up that him also visited me at home. He had no father and I think he has seen me as a father figure. My wife reminded me that I had two boys of my own and did I not think it was strange that a boy was visiting me so much.
When he visited, we would just speak. He would tell me how much he missed his dad and there was a girl that he liked a lot. He had no friends and at times he said that I was his best friend. Despite my wife telling me not to get so attached, because it was a strange thing to have a boy visiting so much... I did become attached to him. He was like a third son.
One day after scouts, he did not want to go home and no matter how we tried, we could not convince him to go home. His mother came and she got mad at me saying that I was too much of an influence on the boy. He was forbidden to come to the scouts and see me again.
I never did see him again, and this hurt so much. It was like losing a child.
Use your ears
If I was ever to advise on friendships, marriage or any relationship with a person, it would be to listen. Most people like to listen to their own voice. Sometimes when I speak with others, I wonder how much they do listen to another person. It made me realize that very few people listen to others and some just speak constantly as if they have an audience. Listening is a gift!
When I was young, I was sure that I would be dead by the time I was 25. I always thought that I was not meant to be an adult. This means that I was never afraid of death.
I survived my 25th birthday and still am here. I still think I only have a few years to live. I even told my children how I was to be buried. (Madonna is to be played). I doubt they will do everything I said, but I am ready for death. My only worry is how I will die. When I look at family history, it is usually the heart. So this will probably happen to me. When I die, I want to die in my sleep and have no pain.
One of the most confusing things in this world is why TVs always sends resends. There is a TV channel that showed “Little House on the Prairie.” I will be honest it was nice seeing this program again. But after they showed the whole series, they started again from the beginning. They have done this about 4 times now.
I can understand that programs will be resent on TV. They can use something that they have in the archives. It could be fun to see “Dallas” again!
Belief is a gift
The fact is if my mom and dad were Muslim, so would I be. One generally has the same religion as parents. I am a catholic and am proud of it. I wanted to be a priest since I was 11 and even studied to be one. This did not work. Maybe I did not have a vocation.
One must remember that the Catholic religion is invented by man and administered by men. The Catholic church has done some of the worse crimes in history and at some stages, we could ask ourselves where was God in all of this. Even today, the church is struggling with abuse cases. Still, I believe that underneath this that the Church has the right spirit.
I most likely talk about being Catholic as my thoughts spill out. I may not do all that the church says I should do and may think the church gets a few things wrong, (such as women priests), but deep in my heart, I am a Catholic, on my terms.
We all have events in life that were so bad, it was like a knockout. Mine was without by doubt my divorce. I was married for 14 years and had a psychological breakdown. I was in trouble with the law and very suicidal. My wife could not cope with it and she told me that she wanted to have a break. The break ended up in an ugly divorce.
It was like one minute she loved me and the next minute she wanted a divorce. It was the love of my life saying she no longer loved me and wanted to be far away from me. It created emptiness and I blamed myself for being such a failure. This being said, I was the worse husband and a dad on the planet, So looking back at it, Divorce was the only destiny that I had. There is an old saying that “you get what you reap” and this happened to me.
Spare the Rod
My parents were very strict. They thought we should be at best behaviour at all times and had little patience if we did something childish or expected of a child, even if others thought this was cute.
This meant that we were spanked or verbally abused and this happened quite often. This would be considered abuse today, but it was more accepted when I was a child.
It meant that in many ways, I lived in fear as a child and did not experiment and try things that a normal child would. It destroyed my self-esteem and made me hide much of the time. The damage has lasted for a lifetime.
I forgave my parents long ago, thinking that they did not know any better. It also takes a lot of energy to be bitter. Forgiveness is very cleansing in many ways.
I have had my share of problems and have hurt many people. I am by no means a saint and have committed sins that will make people turn to shock. Still, I am proud of one thing... My children!
I have two boys and they are very so different. They did not have the best of childhoods as they had a dad that had mental problems and was suicidal, and they were part of the ugly divorce. Despite all of this, they have the worlds best mother that managed to raise them as two fine men.
They will be good parents. They will be what society needs. My oldest son is already a great father and husband, and my youngest son has done things I only dreamed about. They both are compassionate and have empathy towards others. They both even have forgiven me for being such a failure as a dad and still have me in their lives.
I have endless love for my two boys and my pride cannot be measured. I wish that every parent could have this feeling.
To be continued
I think that is enough for you for the moment. You are welcome to comment on your thoughts of what I wrote and give your views.
While you do this, I will work on the next chapter.