Wake up. I tell myself this a few times before I know what I’m saying. Just wake up. I’m not sure what time it is, but all I can think is wake up. Then I hear a car horn blaring, seconds before tires screeching. My eyes shoot open as I gasp and I instantly regret it.
The bright lights cause my head to ache more than I ever thought possible. I quickly close them and then slam my head back down on the pillow. But as the headache subsides, the pain in my heart takes its place. Memories from the last twenty four hours shatter my heart and leave a vile taste in my mouth.
I open my eyes, looking around the room. My eyes suddenly feel dry and start to burn as tears form. I would give anything to erase the last twenty four hours. Anything. The curtains are open, but the only light in the room is coming from my lamp. My eyes follow the lamp stand down to its base. Or rather, the picture sitting next to it.
My stomach lurches and I can’t take it anymore. I jump out of bed, still fully dressed from last night, and run to my bathroom. I figure I don’t have time to lift the lid, so the trashcan will have to do. I don’t know how long I sat there on the bathroom floor, but it felt like forever. And then when my small trash can was full, I had just enough time to move to the toilet.
I think back to the party last night. To the alcohol and the boys and my friends with their stupid drinking game…and my sister. I see her face in my mind, lost and confused, knowing she didn’t belong there. But I convinced her to come with me. When I’ve lost everything in my stomach, I start crying. I was instantly sobbing, harder than I ever have.
I lean my back against the wall next to the toilet, pulling my knees up to my chest. I shove my hands against my eyes, knowing I can’t stop the tears. I give in to it. Let it take over. All the grief, sorrow, regret…I let them consume me until there’s nothing left of me worth fighting for, worth saving.
What I did I can never take back and my sister paid the ultimate price for my stupidity. What I did can’t be undone…it can’t be forgiven…it won’t be forgotten…and the pain will never go away. But I hope it doesn’t. I hope it follows me to the end of my days, haunts me beyond the grave. I deserve it. Because of me my sister is dead.
The words echoed through my head refusing to go away. And just when I think I couldn’t possibly cry any harder, I do. I don’t stop it. I just simply feel the aching pain in my throat and chest, accepting this as my new normal, my sentence.
My back slips against the wall and I crash to the ground. My eyes feel heavy and close without me telling them to as the darkness consumes me. If this is Hell…you can have me.