Out In The Wind

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“I can’t believe you don’t really like movies either,” I say to Patrick as he falls down on his bed, leaving me to look around the room, deciding to sit down on the chair in front of his desk.

“It’s weird actually. Everyone kinda just expects you to like watching movies all day long, especially if their father is a director… I just can’t,” Patrick says. “I’d rather watch a documentary if I have to watch something to be honest. Or read a book, although I prefer reading non-fiction.”

“What are you reading at the moment?” I ask as I scan Patrick’s room.

His room is filled with a mixture of antiques, like an old record player, and off course much more modern stuff like his rose gold desk lamp. Even his bedding is a little weird for a teenager. Everything is white, which does kind off suit the blue walls.

“Clinton’s biography,” he says, pointing to his bedside table where Bill’s face stares back at me, making me feel just a bit uncomfortable. My dad always voted for the conservative party. For some reason he could not stand the democrats.

“So you’re a democrat?” I ask.

“Not sure actually,” Patrick says as he pushes himself upright on the bed, his wavy hair falling into his face. “I’ve always been a bit more liberal, but who knows? I’ll let you know one I have read up some more about it.”

“So you do like politics?” I ask raising my eyebrow. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to read about politics all the time.

“I like history. Politics is just a big part of it,” he says with a grin. “I am still deciding between studying politics or history when I go to college. I just haven’t decided yet. It would be cool to be a senator, but I think it would also be awesome to teach history in schools.”

“I can’t see you doing either of those,” I mutter trying not to meet Patrick’s eyes.

“Then what would you have me do?” Patrick asks, curling his lip into a smile. “Something like my dad?”

“No… That’s not what I mean… I think I just have this idea that teachers and senators are old… And you are. Well, senators aren’t usually hot,” I say feeling the red blush creep up my face, staining my face which I am sure Patrick will notice as well.

“You think I’m hot?” he says sitting up on his bed completely, looking me straight in the eyes. If I lean forward far enough our lips would be able to meet. I can almost count his eye lashes from here… Almost.

“Maybe,” I answer trying to avoid his eyes as well as the butterflies that seem to be doing cartwheels in my stomach.

“You’re too cute you know,” he says as he bursts out laughing, falling back onto his bed, and then turning to face me. “I know Mandy is trying to set us up. I know she pushed you at the coffee shop.”

Now there was no end to the red creeping up all over my face, threatening to burn of my skin with it.

“She’s… She’s weird,” I say looking away, searching for anything my eyes can lock with other than his mocking face. I find a small picture of Harry Styles in a frame.

“You like Harry Styles?” I ask, getting up and walking over to the picture, noticing the signature at the bottom.

“I went to see one of his shows a while back. My dad made sure that I could meet him,” Patrick says from his bed.

“Is he nice?” I ask.

Patrick shrugs and turns on his back, looking at the ceiling. “Probably as nice as you can be to someone you’ve met for five minutes.”

“You don’t seem fazed about it. I would’ve totally fangirled,” I answer, walking back to my chair and sitting down.

“I’m just not interested in things like that. Fame… Power… My dad lives in another world. His head is always in some sci-fi screenplay he’s writing or adapting some alien book into a movie. I don’t want to be like that. A world like that is an illusion. I want something real,” Patrick answers. There’s almost something bitter in his voice, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

“And I would do anything to live in a fantasy. I’ve had enough of the real world at this point,” I answer back. Maybe I am sounding just as bitter for my own reasons that I wish I could share with Patrick, but know that I never will.

“Then why not make reality your fantasy? Why not do the things you’ve always wanted to do but been too scared to do?” Patrick asks.

“Because in a fantasy world that’s all it is. It’s just fantasy, you know,” I reply, looking at him brushing his fingers through his hair. “In the real world… When you fuck up, that’s it.”

“But that’s the point Cory. Don’t you see? You can’t actually fuck up!” Patrick says, jumping up straight on his bed, looking at me intensely again. “You can’t fuck anything up, because it will be what you make of it! What is the thing you would want to do the most right now?”

I think for a moment. There are lots of things I would love to do right now. One of them being to kiss Patrick on the lips. Another would be to walk into a realtors office and buy a house in cash. Not one of what will happen right now.

“Meet the Queen of England,” I answer the only safe answer that pops up in my mind.

Patrick sighs and falls back on the bed.

“I meant something a bit more realistic Cory. What was your first thought?”

I breathe in, wondering if I should tell him. Would the truth and the reality scare him?

“I wanted to kiss you,” I mutter softly.

“Sorry?” Patrick says lifting his head an inch of the bed in order to look at me.

“I said, I wanted to kiss you earlier,” I repeat a little bit harder.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about Cory,” he says sitting up on the bed again, excitement in his eyes. “There was a moment and I almost leaned in as well, and now the moment is lost because we didn’t make our reality our fantasy. Do you see what I mean? We can’t kiss now because it wouldn’t be spontaneous. It wouldn’t be natural. It would be fake and forced like the way so many people live their lives, and all because we were too scared to take a chance.”

I want to ask him if he really did want to kiss me as well, but instead I say: “I’m not looking for a relationship.”

I feel like I want to kick myself when his entire face falls. A dark cloud goes over his face.

“Neither am I Cory.”

Patrick’s face becomes one that’s hard to read, almost as if he has put on a mask, trying to hide something just as badly as what I am.

“I do really like you,” I say, trying my best to salvage the situation.

“Let’s just watch a movie, shall we?” Patrick says, getting up from his bed and turning on the television against the opposite wall.

“I thought you didn’t like movies?” I say, wondering how he could change so much in only a minute or two. Did I really say something to hurt his feelings.

“I need something to distract me,” he answers as he picks up one of my favourite Tim Burton movies. “Like this?”

“Yeah… I’ve seen it like a million times already,” I answer, staring at Johnny Depp with scissors on his hands on the front cover. “But I haven’t watched it in a while.”

“Cool,” Patrick says as he puts the DVD into the player and falls back on the bed, remote in hand. “Want to come and join me?”

“Sure,” I answer as I get up and sit down on the bed next to him. I’m kinda scared to sit too close to him, not quite knowing what I’m in for. There are so many things I would rather ask him than watching this movie. So many questions burning.

We watch the first few scenes in silence. I almost get comfortable against the pillows next to him when Patrick breaks the silence surrounding us.

“Are you a virgin?”

“Yeah,” I answer without even thinking. I know most guys would have lied about it, maybe made up some great story about their first time, but I have more than enough lies surrounding me as it is. Another one might just be too much for me to handle. “Are you?”

“Depends on what you defy as a virgin,” he answers vaguely. Before I even have time to reply to his answer he however asks; “Have you been kissed before?”

I shake my head, indicating the no that I don’t want to say out loud.

“That’s a shame. I can’t believe it actually. I’ve always thought you were cute enough that most of guys would have been totally into you.”

Patrick turns his head back to the screen, allowing me the time to blush again.

“What did you mean by it depends what I defy as a virgin?” I ask the burning question.

“I’ve done some stuff with guys. I just haven’t gone all the way yet,” he answers.

“Someone at school?” I ask, trying to comb through my mind every single guy Patrick has ever had as a friend and only coming up with jocks I am pretty sure is not at all gay.

“No. Nobody you’d know,” he says without looking at me, keeping focused on the Edward on the screen cutting hedges into beautiful creatures.

“Did you mean it when you said you didn’t want to be in a relationship?” I ask. I know I am maybe a little bit out of line, but I do want to get to know him.

“Honestly?” he asks and waits for me to nod my head before he continues. “I’m not sure. I think I need to focus on my studies more than on a relationship. Still, I have this want for someone who I can belong to. Who will belong to me. Someone I can share things with. Were you serious?”

I think for a while. Truth is that if the situation was different I would go into a relationship with Patrick in a millisecond. I wouldn’t even have to think about it. But having a boyfriend means him knowing a lot about you, and coming over to your house which I don’t have anymore. The last thing I want is to drag someone as sweet as Patrick into my crazy life.

“I think I am. I don’t know if I can be in a relationship at the moment. A lot has happened to me lately. I don’t want to get attached to things and people only to lose them again,” I answer the most honest answer I can give without revealing too much.

“I can respect that,” Patrick says as he slips his hand over mine, entangling our fingers into one another. “You have nice hands.”

“Thanks… I think,” I answer.

“Hands like these should be playing the piano,” he says as he lifts my hand up and looks at my fingers. I hope that my nails are clean.

“I do play piano,” I answer. “I’ve played since before I went to school. It’s one of my favourite things in the world to do.”

“Well you should play to me sometime,” Patrick says giving me his first smile since before the movie started.

“Yeah… One day when you come over…” I stop myself, realizing that I just basically invited him over to a house with a piano that I don’t have anymore. I look at him and try my best to rectify myself. “I’ll play for you sometime.”

“That sounds nice,” he says as he lowers dis head onto my shoulder and we continue to watch the movie without me taking in a single thing that’s going on in it.

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