Mike Fear walked along one of the many fields in the beautiful countryside of Blagdon in Somerset. He would normally be enjoying the peace and tranquillity that the walk would offer but this morning his mind was neither tranquil nor at peace. One thought was circling through his mind ’what have I done?’ Mike was full of regret but what had he done that was troubling his mind and making him experience these feelings of regret?
Mike for his forty-seven years was still considered a very handsome and youthful looking man. He had still kept his chestnut brown hair, which despite his age showed little grey. He had also retained his youthful smile; which still shone out when he was happy and smiling and with the smile came his blue eyes, which sparkled like little gemstones. He also kept a bit of dark stubble on his chin, which he kept for no other reason than he just liked it. With all his charms he still attracted a lot of attention from women who loved his eyes, smile and general physique as a very distinguished sort of man. Mike did of course love the attention that he got, however he was happily married to his lovely wife, Elaine and had been for the last 25 years. Married life had not always run smoothly for the couple. There had never been any affairs, just the usual money worries and general day-to-day things that had resulted in arguments but these were few and far between and once they had happened the couple could not stay angry with each other for long. The couple both adored each other and that was a feeling that neither of them wanted to lose. The couple had been blessed with two children, Becky and Oliver, to whom they both adored. They were both young adults now and were both at various universities so Mike and Elaine saw little of them apart from the odd visit but they received plenty of telephone calls home, which more than made up for their absences.
Both Mike and Elaine worked, Mike worked full time in a Finance department dealing with incoming payments, whilst Elaine worked part time as an assistant in a vets. She had been full time before she had her children but liked being part time and having time to be with her friends. They were a comfortable couple with no money worries and had already paid off their mortgage.
Mike for all his charms had a problem in that he often had dark moments. Moments where he would be so depressed he could not be held accounted for some things he had done. He had never once hurt Elaine, either in words or physically but now things had changed and he really did not have any idea what lay ahead in his future now. He had not meant to hurt her. He loved her so much and always wanted to love her until his dying days but all he could feel now was that his world was falling apart and his dreams being shattered.
As well as his dark moments Mike was what could have been described as a bit of a loner. The few friends he had, had been there for a number of years and so knew the true Mike and how he had a generous, kind heart and who would do anything to help people in need but now he was the one in need.
He had to speak to Elaine but she had left hours ago and would not answer any of his text messages or calls and he hated the feeling that he would never speak to her again. He missed the soft sound of her voice but all he was left with was his thoughts.
Mike loved his life with his wife. They still enjoyed their lovemaking. It was still passionate, like the first time they had met. He liked remembering that first time that they had met; he was instantly attracted to her. He had never been a man for being intimate and making love to a woman on their first date. He enjoyed the thrill of the chase and then his passion would take over but he had made love to Elaine on their first meeting and though both were reluctant to admit what had happened, there had been no regrets from either party. The night they had shared together had made them know that something special lay ahead and they certainly were the perfect couple and would always be inseparable, everyone who knew them expressed the same opinion of the couple. They had their own interests and did their own things but were always and would always be in love with each other so why had Mike’s world with Elaine fallen apart last night?
Mike returned back from his walk to the marital cottage but he could not relax, because everything reminded him of Elaine. There were too many mementos to be able to forget her and that was something he never wanted to do and also there was too much quiet surrounding him. Elaine was not the noisiest person when she was around but Mike loved his heart and mind being with her and sharing their own home together made him even more proud.
Mike knew he would never be able to sleep tonight, especially not upstairs in the room and bed that he had shared with Elaine, only yesterday morning. He could not think clearly enough at the moment but knew that everything in his life was ruined.
His mind kept going back to what had happened. All Mike had wanted to do last night was to make passionate love to his wife; there was nothing wrong in that. He still felt like a teenager again when he lay with his wife and they still shared pleasurable intimate moments together, something in which they took great pleasure in and he had never been rough with her, instead he gently made her feel like a princess, which is what she would always be to him, his princess.
Unfortunately, last night Mike never took in when his wife said ’not tonight’, which was definitely out of character for him. He had drunk half a bottle of whisky but being drunk was not an excuse for what had happened between him and Elaine. He was full of regret, not only from being drunk, something which he had never done in front of his wife before but what he had done to her.
Mike had not really been in a state of mind to hear what Elaine had said to him and he certainly was not really conscious of what he was doing when he had undressed her; undressing was not really the word for it, as that suggested that it had been a special moment and part of the intimate pleasure. Instead he had become a crazed animal tearing her clothes off before ripping his own clothes off. Why he had restrained her hands with his belt? That was something that he would never know and was definitely out of character. After all, they enjoyed beautiful love making without the need for anything to help them along but the beautiful love making was not happening last night, as he put himself inside her and was releasing his desire for her with all the strength he had in his body, where his gentleness to her on that occasion went he would never know, and it was something which he did not want to have to think about but he did know that the fleeting thought had made him want to be sick.
He had been enjoying what was happening, even though it was wrong and he was oblivious to the cries of ’stop it’, ’leave me alone’ and ’what are you doing?’ He shuddered at those thoughts. He was drunk but had still clearly heard every word that she had said but could not or would not stop. Why had he suddenly turned into a maniac and acted that way? The fact she had said ‘no’ should have meant something to him but it seemed to fall on deaf ears that evening and the reality was telling him he had been a bad man.
The lovemaking and passion was all within marriage but it was still unlawful sex, she had said no and so what he had done was rape his wife. He did not mean to. That sounded weak and pathetic but he really never did intend to rape Elaine; it was something that just happened. He had behaved like a crazed animal and he was quite aware that his world had now fallen apart. He would be made to pay, he knew that and he could not blame Elaine for her decision if she decided to go to the police and report what he had done but even knowing this did not make the situation any better. He knew he would have to pay for this in more ways than one.
When things were finally over, Mike simply finished the act, turned over and fell asleep. What a coward he had been. By the time he had awoke this morning, he was still hazy via the drink but he knew that Elaine was not lying next to him all warm and comfortable, like they normally would be and from the coldness of the bed, it was apparent that she had not slept there for a number of hours but then was that any surprise? Elaine probably was in the thoughts that she never wanted to see him or be in the same room as him again and who could blame her after what had commenced?
Mike got out of bed but was in no mind to undertake his daily shower or to get dressed properly. He needed a quick toilet break and then definitely needed a strong coffee after what he had drunk the evening before and he needed to try and clear his pounding head. He entered the kitchen, which was quiet, there were signs that Elaine had left the cottage; that was clear but there was no note saying ‘I will be back soon’, and in the bottom of his heart he knew she never would be ’back soon’.
He always started his morning off with a cup of coffee and Elaine liked it when he entered the kitchen in just his shorts, showing off his still fit body. The sight always made Elaine proud of the man she had met and married and how much just this action made her happy and turned on and she would always welcome him with a tender and warm kiss but there was no Elaine to greet him this morning, just the coldness of his heart and the kitchen and that made him feel very sad and upset.
Mike made his coffee, as strong and sweet as he could stomach it. He sat down at the breakfast bar and decided that he needed to stop drinking whiskey, he loved the taste of it and it was his comfort when he had had a stressful day at work but half a bottle of anything was not good in one night and he had to be honest that the sight of whiskey would always remind him of what he had done.
He drained the coffee as quick as he could as he hated strong coffee, but it was much needed and he started to sober up quicker and it was then that it dawned on him that following that one foolish incident last night, he had lost everything that was good in his world. He could not face that and did not know in his heart whether he could or would be prepared to spend the rest of his days full of regret and without his loving wife by his side.
He could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. His world had fallen apart and all he could think of was ’Elaine, Elaine, Elaine’, he loved her and missed her so much already. Would there be light at the end of the tunnel for Mike?
Mike was in such a depressed and dark state that he went up to the bathroom, found what tablets he could in the bathroom cabinet. He was in such a state he did not know what half of them were but he did not care, they were what he needed to get out of this state. He plopped each one slowly in the full glass of water and mixed them together before he drank it. Whatever darkness his mind was in, he would always remember the foul taste of that mixture that he created but he did not care, his prayers would be answered. He was waiting now for the concoction to work and his troubles would be over, he had nothing to live for. Part of his mind said he did have things to live for but what did he really have to live for? He wanted to live for Elaine but would he get her back? He would get her back!
Whatever happened May 24th 2014 would be a date that both Mike and Elaine would be trying to forget for the rest of their lives but would they be able to move on and forget it?