Trying to collect my thoughts, I stumble into the kitchen. The same kitchen we built together when we first rented this apartment. The soft tiles were still stained from your coffee, the one you threw on purpose this morning, to express your anger.
You came in after me after you ignored my petition to be left alone. You always do that. You hate being alone, but you can’t be around people either.
–We should talk about this. –You said, reaching my wrist to stop my walking.
–If you dare to touch me I will kick you. –
You let go. The only way to make you listen to me was hurting you with my words. You looked at me with worry, as if I hadn’t told you already that I needed to calm down before we could talk about this.
–Get out. –I didn’t want to raise my voice, but if I spoke low you would just ignore me. –I don’t want to talk now.
-Please baby, you know I hate being alone. –Were you really this selfish when I first met you?
–Have you ever considered my needs? –The question caught you by surprise. You were going to reply, but I stopped you. –No, you haven’t. You have spent these past 6 months criticizing everything I do and everything I say. If you hate being with me just leave already. –My hands were shaking. That usually happens when I’m getting closer to my breaking point.
You laughed. I felt ridiculous.
Your stupid smile was painted on his face, and that made my chest hurt. Everything you said physically hurt.
–Stop laughing. –My voice sounded way lower than I intended it to be.
–You look so cute when you are mad…
The line on my brain finally snapped. That thin separation between rationality and anger completely disappeared. He laughed. He was laughing at me.
–Don’t you understand?! –I did it. I raised my voice. –You always do this! You are always invalidating my feelings and when I tell you something completely normal you are the one getting affected. Then, when that happens, I’m the one that has to comfort you but, have you ever done that for me?! –He stared at me with a blank expression. –Do you ever think how tiring it is to be me?! To always be told what I can and can’t wear? To be laughed at when I’m mad?! Have I ever done that to you?!
Usually, this was the time where you started playing the victim. Where you flipped my arguments so you could win and have me comforting you.
–I have never done such thing. –You always had the audacity to lie to my face. –I love you, I truly do. I don’t try to control you…
I had to sit on the counter, because my body was about to give in and fall into the coffee stain of the floor. It was exhausting having someone denying everything you said and making you feel like you are going crazy.
–You do. –I interrupted. He seemed offended. –You always do. I said once that I was going to the beach and we started an argument, because you didn’t want me wearing a swimsuit. Do you think that’s normal?!
–Baby, you know I don’t want other boys to-
–Other boys to look at me. –I knew this sentence by heart. –You have said it multiple times, and you still think you aren’t controlling me? You don’t let me have male friends, you don’t let me wear short trousers, you demand that I text you every second of the day, you criticize every aspect of my body. Don’t you remember when I cut my hair? You made me feel so bad about it when I made the decision for myself and was quite happy with the result. Have I ever done that to you, huh?
You were speechless. As you should, because you knew I was right.
–We’ve been only dating for six months. –The tears finally started running through my cheeks. –But you’ve made me feel like my body isn’t mine. This skin doesn’t feel like a part of me anymore. You have tried to mold it to your liking but, you know what? If you truly don’t like me like I am, just leave already!
–Baby, I love you… –You always ignored my words.
–No. You don’t know how it feels to be me. You don’t know how it feels to see the man you loved turn into a controlling monster. This is over. I have to put myself first, so I’m breaking up with you.
Your face shattered. As it should.
You shattered my heart first.
You probably don’t even remember this, that’s why I’m writing it down. You deserve to be held accountable for what you did. You deserve feeling bad while reading this. What you do with this information is none of my business, it’s not my problem anymore. I hope you never encounter someone like yourself; I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
-Sincerely, not your baby.
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