I sat there contemplating what to do. Whatever my next move was I couldn’t do it naked that was for sure. Leaning forward I grabbed my clothes from the floor and began hastily throwing them back on. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed . Please don’t run again don’t lock yourself away from us. Please.” Gabe pleaded.
I paused in putting my clothes on to look at him. You could see the pain in his eyes. I was emotionally hurting these two men. I couldn’t do that. Not to these two.
“I’m not leaving I swear. I’m sorry I upset you. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do until now. I was only sure that no matter what I did I needed to have some kind of clothes on. If it makes you feel better I’ll leave my pants off I just don’t want to feel as exposed as I was.” I looked each of them in the eye, settling back, letting the pants drop to the floor.
It’s a good thing the t-shirt I was wearing covered me to mid thigh. I watched them both sigh in relief. Gabe grabbed a light throw from the chair near by and covered me with it. They each took a hand gently rubbing my knuckles soothingly.
“What drove you into my arms earlier?” Gabe spoke slowly trying to comfort me.
“What upset you baby? Please tell us so we can fix it.” Ryder was pleading for an answer.
“Would it make sense if I said that my emotions were simply running too high for me and my brain was working over time? There were too many thoughts running through my head and I couldn’t pin point a single one. It overwhelmed me.” They both nodded as if they understood completely.
Their hands grasped mine helping me to stand. They walked me to the bedroom in silence. When we got to the bed they laid me down tucking me in. “You need to sleep baby. Your mind is at ease for the moment. Take this opportunity to take a nap.”Ryder said as his lips brushed my forehead.
“Okay as long as you guys do some actual work on your book while I do. You’re right I feel peaceful and sleepy. I’m sure I’ll sleep fine. You guys use the office you have so wonderfully let me occupy so you don’t wake me while you’re working okay. And thank you for being so understanding about earlier.” I really did want a nap at this point.
“Of course we will honey. We don’t want to disturb your sleep. If you need us though just shout and we’ll come get you anything you want. Now rest your mind knowing we’re working and your fine.” Gabe answered quickly pecking my lips. With that I rolled over falling asleep quickly never even hearing the door close.
I know this house. Looking around everything was exactly as I remembered. I didn’t have control of my body but I was looking through my six year old self’s eyes. It was like being that six year old again. This couldn’t be good hearing her thoughts and feeling what she was. I was sent upstairs because I had irritated my mommy again by asking for lunch while she drank her funny drinks.
I really didn’t want to go up those old creaky wooden stairs. Jackson was up there. He always did things that made me so uncomfortable or hurt when we were alone. As far back as I can remember he was like that. I dragged my feet as slowly as I could.
At the top of the stairs there was a room directly to the left and a mini hallway to the right with a closet on the right side of the hallway. The hallway dead ended into another room. The carpet was a faded blue with holes worn in it up here. The white paint on the walls were yellowing with age and tobacco. There were little cracks scattered along it like a pattern where it was peeling.
As I said I knew this house like the back of my hand. Us girls always slept to the left while Jackson had the room on the right whenever we “stayed” with grandma because mommy and dad were fighting again. Jackson was eight years older than me so it made sense he got his own room.
When I finally managed to get upstairs I tried going into the room on the left as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t know I was up here. I didn’t make it though. Someone grabbed me from the right slamming me against the wall of the closet. When I finally opened them after the impact, they widened in fear looking up at Jackson. Oh no he’s going to hurt me again.
“Took you long enough you worthless little bitch. Isn’t that what MY dad calls you? It’s time to play a game. Dad told me all about how this works and I figure what better way to test it out than on a worthless shit like you?” I didn’t like his games. Why did mommy have to send me upstairs now? Couldn’t she have just sent me outside? Never mind. She’d probably be happy I was about to be hurt.
“Please Jackson. Please, I’m already in trouble. Please don’t hurt me right now.” If I screamed mommy would for sure hurt me more. He just laughed while he knocked me down on the dingy floor. He sat on top of me leaning over my face.
”Not a sound you little whore. That’s your moms favorite name for you right little whore? Now lay there and be a good girl. Do as your told. And remember not a word to anybody. Nobody’s going to believe you over me anyways cause your such a little liar. I hope I proved that the last time you tattled and I beat you up for it right after mom beat you into a lump in the corner.” I whimpered while nodding my head knowing he was right.
I didn’t lie even if every body thought I did. They couldn’t tell one bruise form the other so my word meant nothing the only time I had ever tried to tell and defend myself. There was no point in trying anymore but I would never let them see it. They were all just mean.
I gasped as Jackson jerked y pants down to my ankle along with my panties. “Jackson this is naughty. I know it is cause mommy says so every time she says I’m doing this and hits me more. Please your going to get me in more trouble.” I now had tears pouring down my face scared mommy was going to catch us and blame me as always. I’s never shown anybody my naked bottom even if she was always saying I did. I only taked my clothes off when I was supposed to. I got in enough trouble without actually doing what they said I did.
A sudden sting to my cheek let me know Jackson smacked me. “Shut up or you’ll get us caught! I will blame you and you will get it twice as bad as normal. And then I;ll get you again later.” his words scared me even more than I already was.
I just laid there as he took his pants off. I’m still not sure why he has that thing hanging off of him and I don’t. Mommy says it’s cause he’s a boy and I’m not. Then she says I’m stupid and to shut up. I tremble like a little earth quake as he pushes his body back against mine.
“Now lets see, dad says this goes IN here and that’s how it’s done properly. “ As he says this he starts to try to push that dangly thing into my privates! Oh my gosh that hurts.
“Jackson it hurts. Please stop! I don’t like this game please. We can’;t do this one please it hurts your going to break my insides. Please stop.” My rant ended with his hand covering my mouth silencing me as best as possible. I’m crying so hard I can’t see anything.
“It’s supposed to hurt you little whore. Everything we do to you is supposed to hurt now shut up!.” I tried pushing him off but he just grabbed my hands holding me still. I knew I wasn’t strong enough. I screamed actually hoping someone else would come and hit me cause this felt like I was being ripped apart on the inside and burned my privates. I would rather have mommy hit me until I was asleep again. At least then I wouldn’t know it hurt so much.
He slammed my head off the floor trying to shut me up. I don’t know how long he hurt me for but it felt like forever. I cried the whole time begging for the pain to stop. I don’t know how much time passed before he finally stood up. “Pull your pants up and go clean up. Seems like your good for something after all, but next time lets try less screaming okay. And remember not a word or that pain will seem like nothing at all.” with those words he took his clothes into his room closing the door behind him.
I don’t know how long I laid there waiting for the pain to stop and trying to control my tears so I could move and do what I was told before he hurt me again. Finally I made it up but it still hurt really bad putting my clothes on. I limped back downstairs to go to the bathroom. I tried to go unnoticed as I had to go through the kitchen where everyone was. but luck never was on my side.
The back of my grandmas hand collided with my face as I passed. “What the hell are you doing back down here? We heard your little tantrum and didn’t figure you would have the guts to show your face for while.” She spat at me.
“I have to potty Grama. I’m really sorry.” I never even looked at her as I clutched my cheek.
“Jenny is in the tub. Don’t you dare disturb her. Get in and get out without a word to her.” My mommy sounded funny as her words seemed to blend together.
“Then you can take yourself outside to play with the pigs. God knows it’s where a little bitch like you belongs. And don’t you dare step foot back into this house until the sun goes down. See and this is what we fight about baby she is such a waste of space.” All of this came from my new dad who was visiting Jackson and mommy.
Well he was my only dad as far as I knew. My mommy said I was a mistake and my daddy didn’t want me even before I was borned. She says he must have known what I was going to be like and I made him run far away before he even seen me. I was such a miserable excuse for a baby he never wanted to ever see me.
I went to the potty where I wiped myself up being really quiet so I didn’t get it again before I got to go outside. I saw blood on the potty paper. I wanted to cry! I knew he broke my insides. It hurt too much for it to have not broken my privates. This boo boo was going to take forever to heal. I kept quiet though. No matter what I knew better than to make a peep that might disturb somebody.
I slid out the front door as quietly as I could. I went right by that stupid pig barn. I know I don’t belong there. I walked out into the field to where they had funny tubes coming out of the pond. I laid on my tummy finally allowed to scream out my pain and tears to the sparkling pretty water.
I went from laying in front of the water to sitting on a bed confused by how I got here with out passing out. The tears were still pouring down my face so I know I didn’t go to sleep. I realized there were hands on me and started screaming again. No, no, no! Not again. That hurt enough. I didn’t want anymore pain right now.
“Shh baby. It’s just Ryder and me. It’s Gabe. Shh we’re here. Nothings going to hurt you. We’re here baby. You’re safe. Shh its okay.” I couldn’t breath. The memories over powered me. I swear I still felt the pain. I couldn’t find any oxygen at all. I heard his words but didn’t quite understand what he was saying in my panic. Gabe grabbed my head holding it steady but his face wasn’t the one I was seeing any more it was Jackson’s. I tried pulling back but there was somebody behind me. Oh no he’s brought one of his friends so he can take turns hurting me again.
Suddenly lips crashed down onto mine shocking me. Jackson never kissed me before. The eyes before me began to fade into eyes I remembered more recently. Gabe’s features took over Jackson’s as he became him instead. Gabe leaned away from me slowly.”That’s right baby. Look at me, see me. I’m here. We’re both here. You’re okay. You’re safe.”Finally Gabe’s words penetrated my brain.
“Oh God.” I cried out as I threw myself into his chest. Ryder clutched me from behind pressing into me as much as he could.
“You’re okay now baby. Everything’s okay. We’ve got you. Cry it all out. Let it go on us.” At Ryder’s words that’s exactly what I did. I cried into Gabe’s chest until I couldn’t cry anymore. I released all of those emotions into the two of them, feeling them pull them all from me. They whispered non sense into my hair and ear until my breathing evened out.
“We heard you scream and came running. Please, honey, tell us what that dream was about. Tell us what could cause you to scream like that. We promise we’ll never look at you differently. We’ll never tell another living soul. We just need to know so we can help you.” Ryder whispered against me almost like he was afraid to ask.
I was too weak to fight anymore. I finally had to admit to myself the reality I was in. engulfed between these two men I finally admitted that no matter how much I though I wasn’t broken, no matter how much I denied it, I was broken. They broke me inside. All of them. All my life.
So without moving an inch I opened my mouth and finally told someone a small part of my past. A part I had been so scared to ever tell anyone. And they listened. They soothed me, calmed me,understood me, as I described exactly what I had dreamed. What had caused me to wake up screaming this time. I never noticed the tears that slid down these strong, brave men’s cheeks as they cried for the little girl I had once been. I never once looked up to see the pain etched on their faces for the woman pressed between them that they were falling in love with.