I had driven for hours simply looking for somewhere to stay that was far away from them. I was clear across the state by now and had no idea what I was going to do. I am never this impulsive but I just couldn’t stay in that town. I found a little motel along the road. A little Days Inn sat snuggled in the center of a small forest looking area. I never would have even seen it had it not been for the small lit sign at the end of the driveway. I signed in and got a room. I found it pretty quickly as it wasn’t a big motel.
After checking out the room I made sure everything was locked down. All I had was my phone. I didn’t stop to pick up any clothes or anything on my way out of town. I’m glad I had thought to grab my purse on my way out the door. I put the battery back in my phone. I need to know where I am and what’s around me. I had way to many texts and voice mails. I ignored them all. They would eventually be full boxes and I wouldn’t get any more. I don’t want to know what they have to say for themselves. It hurts too much right now to even think about it.
I searched my location taking into account where the nearest stores were and jotting down their locations. I wasn’t leaving the battery in the phone. They can be traced with the battery in. After taking note of everything I would need to do tomorrow I fixed the phone and went for a shower. I washed my underclothes in the tub so I would be at least half clean tomorrow before jumping under the hot spray. The water helped relax my muscles until I started thinking about the size of the shower. My men would never fit in here with me.
That thought not only brought me up short but sent me straight out of the shower. How could they do that to me? I know that I expected them to get tired of me but I never thought they would betray me like that. They brought him back. They delivered me right to him. They seemed so mad when I told them about my past. I can’t believe I ever fell for their crap. This hurt more than anything my family had ever done. At least they had never pretended to care about me. They never showed me an ounce of love. I knew exactly what I was getting with them.
I had no clothes with me so I wrapped myself tightly in the towel before laying down. First thing tomorrow I would grab some clothes and groceries from the town nearby before I called Cammy to let her know I was safe. I would pay for a week here before deciding what to do with my future. I wanted to stay for Cammy. She was the first and only friend I had made. I know I’ve never opened up to her the way I should but I still truly cared about her. I could always get a new apartment and simply stay away from the twins. I fell asleep with all of these thoughts running through my head. I would have to see what I was going to do after a much needed sleep.
I woke up screaming into my pillow. In my dreams I saw them bring me to Jackson and throw me at his feet. My home was no longer safe. I don’t know if I can go back to work. What if he told Jackson where I was? What if he realized who I was? Was I in his line of sight long enough for him to figure it out? I threw the covers off going to take a shower quickly before I could panic over everything swirling through my mind.
My entire life is out of control at the moment. I dressed in my clothes from yesterday glad that the my panties and bra were dry. I paid for a week to get my thoughts together and figure out what I was going to do. After settling things at the front counter I drove to the little town nearby to grab some clothes and food for the duration of my stay. I didn’t really need much. I wasn’t hungry even though it had been since last night since I had eaten anything. I went with simple clothes and some fruits and microwave dinners. The most important part of my trip was the coffee pot and mug I picked up.
I would be needing it as I had no intentions of falling behind in my work. I picked up a laptop as well so that I could check my emails and do all of me essential work from the motel. Cammy would be furious when she found out I was going to be gone even longer. Now she had no idea where I was either. I would simply explain everything and hope she understood. If not and she fired me well I guess I had my answer as to what I was going to do. I would simply leave again no questions asked.
I really don’t think she will fire me. She is the only person I was ever truly able to call friend. I wish she was here. I wish I could truly open up to her and allow her a glimpse of the reason I am the way I am. She was the one person who has never asked anything of me other than to do the job she had so kindly given me. She was more than my boss. I knew so much about her life and yet she knew very little of mine. Maybe it was time to let her in just a little.
I slowly made my way back to the motel not looking forward to the call I was about to make. I put everything away slowly before plugging in my new laptop and settling in at the desk. I turned my phone back on waiting for the notifications to quit pinging before dialing the one number I knew by heart. “Hello? Scar is that you? Are you there? Scarlet answer me!” Her voice came over the line causing me to take a deep breath.
“I’m here Cammy. I had to leave for a while. Things are so messed up right now I don’t even know where to begin to tell you everything that is going on.” I let out quickly before she could panic more about me not speaking. Her sharp intake of breath was enough to let me know that is not what she was expecting me to say to her at that moment.
“Hun are you okay? You have never told me anything about your personal life other than where you go when you disappear? Did something happen with the twins? Of course it did. Why am I asking. They called and said you had done a runner. They wanted to know if I had spoken with you. They seemed so torn up. I have never seen grown men cry. What happened Scar?” Cammy sounded so worried how could I not tell her what was going on. It was becoming so obvious that I would eventually have to let someone in.
This was the time to do that. I just hope she wouldn’t judge me. I hope she would still be by my side after this conversation. I couldn’t do this face to face. This had to be done over the phone. I didn’t want to see her eyes judge me if that was the way it was going to go.
“Cammy you have been the only friend I have ever truly had and for that I think that there are several things you should know. My life hasn’t been a very good one. I just hope you still care for me after you hear what I have to say.” I couldn’t help but try to warn her what was coming. To at least try and let her prepare herself for the things I was about to tell her.
“Scarlet you are scaring me. Please tell me what’s going on. I’m glad you can call me your friend and of course I will still be there no matter what you tell me. I’d never judge you. You know that I have no right to judge anyone.” She fell silent after that just letting me get everything out. I really didn’t want to get too descriptive but I needed her to know a piece of what my past was like. So I took a deep breath and as I shakily released it I opened my mouth and let her in hoping for the best.
Two hours later we were both crying over the phone. “I can’t believe they would take that assholes side. Oh sweetie come back when you’re ready. You can stay with me until you get everything settled and in a new place. I don’t want you to leave if my vote means anything. I would love the company and I would love to have you back at my side for work. We’ll keep those two away from you. I’ll personally handle their account if I have to. We can make this work just come home.” I was floored. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t know a quarter of anything other than a touch of Jackson’s abuse.
For now that was enough for me. We both agreed that I would stay gone for another week and then I would stay with her. I was going back to my self-defense courses and I was going back to work. I was going to pick up the peaces of my life. At least that’s what I told myself after a week of crying and debating on the whole situation. I cried and paced for the entire week. I barely ate anything because every time I did I would remember them feeding me. I would remember them loving me in the kitchen. I would think about the look in their eyes as I slid the spoon between my lips or placed my lips on a glass to drink. They always had a mix of pride and desire in their eyes.
No one would grab my thigh as I ate now. No one would be turned on at the simple act if my eating. No one would bring me to the brink as I fed my body what it needed. There was no real reason to give my body that much fuel as I knew I would be simply laying in this bed crying over their betrayal. Over what I had lost. It truly was worse than anything my family could come up with. I wondered more than once if this was from my family. They were friends with him after all. This could have been another type of attack for leaving them.
The thought that they were in league with my family crushed me. My stomach would clench and my chest would tighten with the pain until I was gasping for air. The tears seemed never ending. I would rather they had actually hit me. This pain could not be fixed with some simple pain medication and some ice. It grabbed me from the inside torturing and tormenting me. Wracking my entire body until I was consumed with it. The only outlet were the tears pouring down my face as I dry heaved from the turmoil. How could they hurt me like this? Why wouldn’t they believe me? What had I ever done to cause them to doubt me?
It was during my calmer moments that I had decided to go back. I was tired of running. It was time for me to stand my ground. So after my week of seclusion I drove to my apartment with pepper spray in my hand at the ready. I grabbed some work clothes as quickly as I could before heading over to Cammy’s. She was waiting for me just as she said she would be. I held myself together just long enough to get the clothes put away. We made our way to the couch before she opened up about the one thing I really didn’t want to talk about right now.
“ I don’t think you should come back right away no matter how much I want you there. The twins have been in everyday to see if you have shown up yet or called me. I haven’t told them anything. They aren’t doing much better than it looks like you are. Their eyes are just as red rimmed and they look like they haven’t slept all week. I would say they are really regretting what they did. They don’t even talk to each other from what I can see. One of them asks about you and when I tell them I’ve heard nothing they give a small nod before telling me to keep them updated and then they just leave until the next day. They never come at the same time though so I don’t want them to just drop in and surprise you. Oh Hun come here I didn’t say it to make you cry.” she wrapped me in her arms as she noticed the tears pouring down my face.
I couldn’t help it. It hurt more knowing they were hurting as much as I am. I shouldn’t care but I couldn’t stop myself. A knot quickly formed in my stomach at the thought of their pain. My chest tightened to a point of literal pain at the thought of them no longer speaking with each other. I didn’t even notice Cammy anymore. I broke down completely shattered that they were hurting so much. As the thought of how they had hurt me entered my mind my breathing quickened until I was simply gasping for air. I felt the pain radiate through me. I needed them to believe in me. I needed them there for me as I felt myself shatter from the pain. I needed the one thing I would never have again. They would never touch me again. They would never love me again. They would never take care of me and make me feel treasured again.
As these thoughts hit my brain my eyes rolled back in my head consuming me in darkness once again. I couldn’t physically deal with the pain right now. I couldn’t deal with them hurting from my absence. I couldn’t deal with being alive right now. So I welcomed the darkness as if it were an old friend. I dimly registered Cammy yelling before I saw and heard nothing.