I can’t believe how our time had flown by. Ryder, Gabe and I have grown closer over the last week’s. Saying I love you had become second nature as if we had been saying it our whole lives. We still had strangers following us and the boy’s still fought when they thought I couldn’t hear them but we also learned our likes, our dislike and our passions. I got to know who I am through their questions.
It truly feels unbelievable that I don’t know who I am. They took me to carnivals, cafes, book stores, movie theaters and so much more. More importantly they encouraged a relationship with Cammie. They worried every time I went out with her but they said it would be good for me to go out, to open up to a woman I was once close to.
Cammie was crazy. She loved life with a passion that was catching. I swear she lived up to everything you have heard about a red head. The pixie cut only made her seem like a l life sized fairy. I quickly learned to love her spirit. We did everything from clubs to quiet time at the coffee shop up the road. She even talked me into a sleep over or two. Her favorite past time was using me as a real life Barbie. She loved the whole dress me up and do my hair and nails thing. Like I said crazy.
We had spent hours out trying to get everything we needed for the ball coming up to release the boy’s book. It was an elaborate setting and i needed everything from the dress to the accessories. I really wanted to look my best for them. I really wanted this day to talk to Cammie about everything going on with me lately. Girls time seemed to agree with me even if she was crazy.
“So how is everything going with you and the boy’s” This is her standard question every time we got together. She seemed to think the boys were going to do something that truly upset me and set me back. I’m not completely sure how she thought it was going to set me back considering I had yet to remember anything about my past. On the other hand, there were things that were bothering me lately. Something nagging at the back of my mind like I should know something that I didn’t know.
“Things are amazing. They truly get everything I seem to need from them. They are always there for me and the things they do to my body are out of this world. But I don’t know, there just seems to be something off. Like something they’re waiting for. And these dreams I’m having are so confusing I don’t know how to make heads or tails of them.” I know I wasn’t giving her as much information as she wanted but it was a start. I needed to wrap my mind around what I wanted to say before I told her everything. The dreams were so disturbing I was not sure how she would look at me after I told her what was in them. Worse yet the twins acted as if they knew what was in them. I was terrified of their reaction if they ever found out what I was really dreaming about. I was sticking to the standard I don’t remember when they asked anymore.
“Are you still taking the self defense courses they signed you up for?” She seemed to know I needed a moment before perusing that conversation.
“Yes and after this long they don’t hurt as much as they used to. I’m actually getting pretty good at them. I took the instructor down a few times last week. It’s become more intense lately but it’s helping to work out my frustrations as well.” That I could at least give her honestly. I really loved my classes. We were moving on to complicated moves that seemed to be some type of mixed martial arts. One of the boys always ran me a bath afterwards and sat with me asking what I had learned.
I knew what was coming before she even asked. She had asked enough times before. “Yes I have let them have their kinky way whenever they want to. And yes I have enjoyed every moment of it. Yes they make every part of me feel loved and beautiful. I know that it seems weird to you that there are two of them but for us it seems to work out perfectly. I love them Cammie. Both of them and I would always feel like something was missing if one were to leave. I would really feel like I lost a huge chunk of myself.” She just raised her eyebrow in response for a moment, staring into my eyes to see if I was being honest.
“I never said anything about it being weird. Girl you just get double the everything. Just remember that also means double the headache when they start acting up. I actually envy you. I haven’t really dated in a while and two at once sounds right up my alley at the moment. I’m just glad you’re doing good and they are treating you right. That’s all that matters to me. I want to see you happy because I loved you when you weren’t. You practically glow these days and it is such a contrast to what you were before. I’m happy with everything that has been happening for you lately and how much closer we have become. Don’t get me wrong I loved you before the incident and we were close but because of it I’m feeling pretty protective of you and that’s just something you’re going to have to deal with. I love you. It’s that simple. I want to be here for you.”
Her admission always hit me right in the chest. I’m not sure why it always felt brand new to have someone openly admit they cared for me but i was putting it down to not being able to remember anyone having ever cared for me like these three people did. I simply hugged her knowing no words would make it past the tightness in my throat. I loved her too. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these months without her by my side.
“Okay onto the hard stuff. Scar, I really need to hear about these dreams. Please don’t think i am going to think any less of you because that could never happen. But in order for you to deal with them I need to hear what they are about. It could be your memories coming back. You never know. Have you talked to the twins about them yet? You know they insist on knowing everything about you. None of us want you to ever have to deal with anything on your own. We are all here for you.”
I let it go as we had reached her apartment. I had time to calm myself as we walked inside in silence. Our bags were dropped on the couch as she went in the kitchen and made some coffee. I sat thinking about how I wanted to phrase things. How I wanted to put it out there to her so that she wouldn’t think the worst. my thoughts were cut short when she came back and handed me a steaming cup. She p[laced the bags in the floor and sat facing me with her own steaming cup. I took a sip trying to give myself another moment or two before i turned my best friends stomach.
“These dreams are very disturbing Cammie. I mean I don’t want to think that there is something wrong with me but they keep haunting me. I pray they are old memories and not something sick in my own mind. I pray this isn’t something I witnessed happen to another human being because I’m going to be completely honest here, they’re pretty sick and twisted. No one should ever have to live through them and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about them. No I haven’t spoken to anyone about them for those very reasons. And this stays between me and you. I don’t want the twins finding out until I’m ready okay?” I had her full attention. She didn’t say a word and I knew I’d have to be careful in my detail of what I told her. That was the biggest problem. Whenever I thought about the dreams I got a little lost in them like they took over my entire mind for the time being.
I took a deep breath preparing myself to lose my best friend. ” I’ve been dreaming about this little girl Cam. She lives through some really horrible stuff every day.” I could see this wasn’t going to cut it for her. She wanted the details I didn’t want to give. She was giving me her “I know there’s more so spill cause we’re not going anywhere until you do” look. I couldn’t help but look toward the floor. I couldn’t say it to her face. I was ashamed to be having these dreams at all.
“She has this family who really seem to hate her. They are always hitting and kicking her. They make her do everything from cleaning to carrying their things while they have a good time. They call her such crude names. Her step brother rapes her with his friends in some of the worst possible ways. I get flashes of it. Just brief painful clips. I see her pain written in her eyes. I watch her get older and older with the same people getting worse and worse. She doesn’t have anyone. Not one single person to hold her or love her or try and make everything better. There was no one to protect her from all of the abuse she endured. I got the impression she was completely alone in this world. I wanted to protect her. to reach out and hold her, to love her as no one else has. It frightens me the things I see them do to her and know that I’m not seeing all of it. That I’m only seeing little pieces but they leave her so broken, so beaten. It breaks my heart to not know who she is. to not be able to help her.” I sat with tears sliding down my face waiting for Cammie to tell me to leave. I knew she would be disgusted that I was dreaming something so horrible.
I felt her arms go around me gently cradling my head against her shoulder as the tears kept coursing down my face. I couldn’t seem to stop now that I had opened the flood gate. I cried for that poor little broken girl in my dreams. I cried for the shame I carried around from having dreams like that in the first place. I cried for the friend who didn’t turn away from me because of the sick twistedness in my mind. I cried for the possibility that I may lose the twins over this but knew I couldn’t keep it from them for much longer. I cried for all the unfairness of the entire situation. All the stress of not knowing anything beyond waking up in the hospital. For the love that generated out of the three most important people in my life. I cried for everything that weighed on my shoulders every day that I simply held in. For the struggle of knowing that I loved two men at the same time. That I slept with both of them together. I cried for the pain that came at the thought of losing them.
I cried until there were no more tears. Until my head simply laid on her shoulder and I hiccuped gently. She never said a word. She just stroked my head and back allowing me to absorb comfort in her embrace. She gave me exactly what I needed for what felt like hours until I was finally able to pull myself together and slide away from her. I had no idea what to expect at this point in time. I simply felt drained and numb from my crying jag.
“You are beautiful Scar. Never let anyone tell you any differently. You have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever seen. Please do not think that this effects how I see you. If anything I see you as stronger, more powerful, more beautiful than I did before. To know that you have had this on your shoulders and spent every day worrying how we would take this lets me know just how strong you truly have become. I love you and the twins will love you even more when you tell them. And if they have one bad word to say to you I want you to come to me. I will tear them a new one. You don’t deserve any more than you have already dealt with.” She never said weather she thought they were memories or not and I was almost afraid of her answer so I moved on to our upcoming event.
She had ideas on my hair and make-up. She always had ideas on how to wear my hair with whatever outfit I had going on. I wasn’t sure I could pull off what she described. She only mentioned a few more times that she thought that I should tell the twins about my dreams. It scared me though. She took it well and helped me through it but would the twins be as understanding? There really was only one way to find out but I’d risk seeing that look of utter disgust that I was afraid of. I was confident they loved me but I was scared this whole situation would scare them away permanently. I was always afraid they were going to get tired of my lack of memory or something stupid would happen and I would lose them. Losing them would rip my heart to shreds. I wasn’t sure I could handle drowning in the pain of that kind of loss.
The twins arrived promptly as they always did on our girls day out. I went to gather my things leaving them in the entrance. When I came back laden with all of my bags I found Cammie having a whispered conversation with them. This automatically set my nerves on edge. I was so completely worried that she would tell them everything I told her. What if she didn’t truly take it as well as I thought she did? What if she was telling them how truly disgusting I am? What if they hated me? Or just took me home to tell me I had to go. I was something they just couldn’t deal with any longer? Oh my God what was I going to do if they found out?
My breathing became erratic as all the different possibilities drifted through my mind. I must have made a sound in the back of my throat drawing their attention because all at once they all turned to stare at me. Ryder was the first to move. His arms went around me quickly as my knees buckled. I couldn’t stand under the strain of maybes and what ifs. All the things that could happen.
“Are you OK baby? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Ryder’s words didn’t comfort me at all as i continued to gasp totally out of breath.
“You’ve been crying Love. What is it? You know you can tell us anything right? We’ll still love you we just want to know you’re OK” Gabe’s words caused the panic to be worse as I was absolutely positive now that Cammie had said something to them. I wrenched myself out of their arms and ran for the bathroom. My stomach seemed to want to get rid of anything I had put in it today. What was I going to do? What? There was no way they were going to simply accept my dreams. I knew Cammie couldn’t. Why? Why did I tell her? Why did I feel the need to tell her everything that was bothering me so truthfully? I should have just kept my big mouth shut. Now I was on the verge of losing every one that loved me. My only connection to this world at the moment. Everyone. I just couldn’t deal.
I locked myself in the bathroom and slid down the door crying into my knees so they wouldn’t hear me. The last thing I needed was more questions than they had now. I tried to block out the pounding and shouts from the other side of the door but I still heard them begging me to open the door. To tell them what was going on. I was braver than this. This was not who I am. Sitting and hiding in the bathroom was not who I am. I took several breaths calming myself. If I was going to lose them I was going to do it standing face to face with them. I would keep my back straight and refuse to let a single tear fall until I was out of their eye sight. I was not going to let Cammie twist or get anything wrong that I told her. They were going to hear it from my mouth. And I was going to survive whatever came my way. They were always telling me how strong I am. It was time to show all of them they were right.
I could do this. All I had to do was stand up and go out there. Open my mouth and let it all out. They were going to leave me and I honestly couldn’t blame them. They had a right to know what they were living with. whom they were currently in love with. I splashed my face with water washing away any traces of the tears that were previously flowing down my cheeks. I patted it dry and looked at myself in the mirror. I was presentable but completely shaken on the inside. I straightened my spine almost painfully, ramrod straight and approached the door. They were all standing there when I turned the knob and pulled it open. I met each one of their worried faces before speaking.
“Lets go in the living room. I have no intention of standing in the bathroom door to tell you everything that is going on. Please give me at least that small courtesy even though I am well aware that I don’t deserve it. ” Before they could argue with my words I put my hand up silencing whatever they would have said and gestured to the living room. This was definitely not the place for this conversation. They allowed me to pass through them and silently followed me to the living room where I gestured for them to take a seat. I knew I was never going to be able to sit through this. I paced the length of the room as they looked at me following my every move. I wasn’t even completely sure what I wanted to tell them.
“Listen I know that you all have stuck by me these last several months. I know how much you have shown me your love, understanding and patience. That’s why this is so hard. I’m embarrassed, ashamed by what I’m about to tell you. That’s why I’ve kept it to myself. Please don’t think that it has anything to do with you because it truly doesn’t. And I’ll completely understand if you walk away from me after I’m done telling you. Trust me it’s not pretty.” I paused and looked at each of them individually. Their mouths opened as if they wanted to assure me that wouldn’t happen but yet again I raised my hand in a silencing motion. I couldn’t deal with whatever came out of their mouths. I really couldn’t even deal with their voices washing over me. I had to do this on my own and I didn’t want them to regret comforting me after I had my say. I had to go into great detail this time. I had to purge myself of all the horrific dreams I was having. They had to know just how bad these things in my mind were.
“I’ve been dreaming of this little girl. She looks so familiar only she is so completely broken. I see her with gashes on her face, her arms, legs, back, everywhere. I watch as people who are supposed to be family hold her down. They rape her until she is bloody and crying. They hold her down for other people to use her body. They call her whore and slut, little bit ch. She’s so small. I watch as she slinks off barely able to pull her little body away from the wreckage they have caused. I watch her clean up the mess they have left and carry their bags while she is damaged. I watch as she is forced to lick filth off the floor. I watch as she screams into any body of water she can find. She sits in this field near a pond and just lets it out. No one is there for her.
It hurts my heart to watch her go through this so very alone. I want to hold her, protect her. How sick does it make me to see all of these things happen to such a small precious little girl. I can’t help her. over and over she gets hurt, and over and over I’m unable to do anything to help her. To save her. She has absolutely no one to love her. I have no idea how my mind can even come up with such disturbing images. I know for a fact it’s not something I have seen since waking up so where are they coming from. Did I do something to this little girl. God that makes me such an awful person. Did I just stand by as she got hurt? I may never have the answers to these questions but how I wish I knew because it’s killing me hiding it, not knowing who she is or what role I played in all of it or if it is some sickness in my head making all of it up.
Maybe I need some kind of professional help. Any scenario I can think of is just as horrible as the next. And I know with these kinds of things going on in my head I in no way deserve any of you. I completely understand if you simply want me to leave and never darken your lives again.” I was now looking down. I couldn’t take their disgust. They were probably wondering who they thought they loved. The room was completely silent as they simply sat there as if waiting for me to leave. I left my bags where they laid by the door. After a full five minutes of their silence I had to leave. I had said that I would. So I grabbed my jacket and left. I didn’t see any reason to subject them to any more of my now unwanted presence.
I got to the end of the block before arms surrounded me. I screamed thinking someone was snatching me. “Shhh Baby. I let you leave like this one too many times in the past. Gabe and I have kept so much from you. Please come back. I think we can explain so much for you. We really are sorry. I’m sure you’re going to be very mad at us when you find out we are the reason you have been feeling the way you have. If we had just explained this wouldn’t be happening right now.” Ryder’s words slid across my anxiety loosening its strings but I wasn’t convinced this could in any way be their fault or that I should go back. They should probably call someone to lock me away to protect society.
“Come on Love. We will explain everything we should have well before now. I can only hope that you will understand and forgive us for not telling you before now. Scarlet we love you so much. We only wanted to protect you from everything. Please come back and let us explain.“Gabe had caught up with us. With both of them there I couldn’t deny them. Their presence, the fact that they hadn’t let me go soothed me in a way I’ll never be able to describe. Gabe’s hand sliding down my face calmed everything inside me. Ryder’s eyes focused me instead of sending me running. This was the effect they had on me.
We walked slowly back to Cammy’s house. I saw her on the steps waiting for us. I felt calm though. Everything felt surreal as we walked back into the house. They sat me on the couch between them. Cammie sat in front of me with her hands on my knees. Gabe’s hand rubbed soothing circles on my back as Ryder’s hand slid through my hair. I felt so loved, so cherished in this moment that it didn’t occur to me to be afraid of what they were going to tell me.
“Baby, that little girl in your dreams....Fuck this is hard.” Ryder paused as if he was thinking of the best possible way to tell me whatever it was.
Gabe’s hand pulled my face to his. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips before pulling back and simply looking at me. He turned me so I was facing him, my body twisted towards his so he knew he had my full attention. Ryder’s arms surrounded me tightly as if he were trying to not only keep me from running but hold me together through anything they had to say. ” Love, do you remember when we told you that you didn’t have the best life before you met us. That your life was very hard?” At my nod Gabe took a deep breath preparing for whatever came next.
“Love that little girl you described to us? That was you. That was your family. Your memories are coming back no matter how fragmented, how small. Your remembering your childhood. How you grew up. I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you. We just wanted to protect you.” I sat there stunned. That was me? Thank God it didn’t happen to someone else. Thank God I didn’t sit on the side as those people tortured that little girl. I got lost in my thoughts. Every little fragment coursing through my mind on a loop. That was me. That poor little girl was me. They did those things to me. My family.
“Scar say something. You’re scaring me. Are you ok? Please say something.” Cammy’s words were all it took. I exploded.