I lost track of how many shots Jade demanded I do. With every cheer for me to, “Drink up, bitch.” I felt my conscience slipping away.
“What the fuck is in these?” My speech slurred together in a way it hadn’t since high school.
“Tequila!” The girls yelled in between giggle fits. Kitty, being group leader, decide to drag us to a club opening down the street from her apartment.
“This place sucks more ass than my last boyfriend,” Jade said over the blasting music.
“I agree.” Sarah pitched in.
“Then where do you hoes wanna go?” Kitty asked before taking another tequila shot. I was starting to put together a study on the correlation of intoxication and the amount women call each insulting names in a friendly manner.
They were the best test subjects a mediocre scientist could ask for.
“Did you get that package yet?” Sarah asked Kitty.
“Came in this morning,” Kitty answered. “And I’m gonna need it after Tara’s performance.”
This set off another round of giggles before Jade begged Kitty to take us to her place and show us her package.
“Oh, baby.” Kitty purred, “You know how I love to hear you beg.”
Jade flicked her tongue in a surprisingly sexual way. I gasped like the drunken idiot that had become, “Oh my god. Are you guys gay?”
The laughter that followed told me that they were either vastly overcompensating or I was way off the mark.
Kitty wiped the few tears from her eyes, “Only after a few shots of Tequila.”
“Yeah, Kitty is under my standards,” Jade said, “Like eight inches under.”
After everyone was done with their last round and we managed to find the exit, we stumbled down the block. Even though Kitty’s bachelorette pad looked close, it took awhile for us to walk in a straight line long enough to get there.
She fumbled with the keys so many times she could have been Tony Romo in a mini-skirt and stilettos. When she finally got the key in the front door to the building we were facing a whole new challenge; stairs.
In fairness, it was thirty steps to her floor but to our impaired minds it might as well been Mnt. Kilimanjaro.
Things were more complicated when a door started opening halfway up. “Oh fuck,” Kitty whispered.
“What’s wrong?” I managed to squeak out.
Kitty held onto the railing for dear life. “That’s my landlord and I’m late on this months rent.” That was all it took to set off alarms in all our heads.
“What do we do?” Sarah asked
Jade tugged down her skirt in a true act of leadership. “Get low.”
“Crawl, bitches!” She yelled so only we could hear her, hopefully. In seconds we were all on our hands and knees.
“This hurts,” Sarah whined as we neared the top of the staircase.
“Shocking, I thought you’d be used to being on your knees by now.” Kitty laughed as she pushed herself off the floor and wobbled on her feet. “Careful guys, the floor is unstable.”
“That’s just the tequila, stupid,” Jade said before climbing the rest of the way.
“If you call me stupid, I’m not gonna let you play with my toys,” Kitty warned.
And just like that, I was transported back to kindergarten. “Guys,” I hissed, “I think the stairs are a fucking time machine.”
Jade scoffed and helped me get off the floor. Kitty struggled to find the keyhole while we all complained for her to hurry up and get it in.
Suddenly a door on the other side of the hall started to creak open. We froze like deer in the highlights. I was certain that was the end of my short life, right when it started getting exciting too.
I don’t remember why I was so convinced death was upon me but I can remember the two men peeking out of the door.
“Oh,” Kitty sighed. “It’s just my sexy neighbor.”
“Neighbor?” I asked “Singular neighbor?” It then became clear, I was fucked up.
Jade whistled at the man who was trying to decipher what exactly he had walked in on, “Hey, baby. You wanna come in for a drink?” Kitty elbowed her in the boob.
“He’s married.” She hissed. Jade was completely unfazed and leaned against the wall with the intent to be sexy. For any sober mind she probably just looked like a drooling mess.
“You into Hispanics?” She asked. “Cause I’m the Juan.”
We lost it. I was doubled over in laughter by the time Kitty finally opened the door.
The next few hours were a colorful blur and I wasn’t positive there wasn’t something in my drink. When Kitty retrieved her package from the bedroom we gathered around to see the toys.
“Tara,” Sarah tried to pry my attention off the bottle of wine. “You ever deepthroat a guy?”
I shook my head and I could practically see the light bulb appear over her head. “Jade hand me a dick.”
“See what you do is-” Sarah’s instruction was cut off by the eight-inch dildo in her mouth. She still tried to explain the process but it came out as slobbery muffled words.
My eyes grew wide with every inch she devoured. “That cannot be healthy.”
Jade laughed, “She used to struggle with bulimia in high school. Pretty much has a non-existent gag reflex now.”
“We’re not all that gifted though,” Kitty said.
Sarah pulled the dildo out of her throat, “Yeah, Kitty would choke on a baby carrot.”
“I would not!”
“Would not, remember Tony Stewart?”
“That means nothing. He was the size of a milk dud.”
Kitty’s face turned the shade of a firetruck, “Fine, pass me the dick.”
Jade whistled as Kitty stuffed the dildo into her mouth. “See?” She gargled and began to choke with the dick still lodged in her throat.
Death by dick, what a fulfilling way to go. Sarah and Jade quickly removed the dildo in just enough time for Kitty to dump the contents of her stomach on the floor.
I stared at the bottom of my wine glass as Jade helped Kitty off the floor and into the bathroom. My phone still hadn’t chimed or rung, it was time to call again. But I couldn’t do it here.
“I gotta go, Sarah.” I slurred. In the future, I would wish Sarah had said, “You can’t leave as drunk as you are.” Or even, “No way.” But instead, she said,
“I’ll call you a cab.”
After the cab arrived and Sarah sent me away, I nestled in the backseat with one goal but a fierce desire to sleep.
The car nearly lulled me into a nap deeper than Sleeping Beauty’s before I realized my purse wasn’t by my side. I struggled to remember where I left it and guessed.
Trying to redirect the cab driver to a new address while drunk proved to be a challenge but after a few minutes, I got my point across.
With the first part of my mission accomplished I leaned back and felt my eyes droop shut while the street lamps blurred by.