Dear Diary - My wife, my friend and me.

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The saddest news of all.

I was in the kitchen when I heard the knock at the front door. As I walked out and into the dining room towards the lounge I saw the police car parked on the road. I quickened my pace and opened the front door. I was faced with two uniformed police officers, one make and one female.
“Mr.Collins? Mr Paul Collins?”
I nodded and asked what was wrong. He asked if they could come in. I stepped aside and let them pass. As I closed the door I asked again.
“What is it, officers?”
The female officer spoke and asked me to confirm my wife’s name, which I did.
“I’m sorry to tell you, sir. Earlier this morning your wife took ill in the high street and she has died.”
My legs almost gave way and I clung onto the bannister for support as the male officer grabbed my arm. They led me into the lounge and sat me down. The female officer left and returned with a glass of water and handed it to me. I was shocked. My hands trembled, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The officer explained that Anne had been walking along the high street, she had left earlier to go and get her hair done. And according to witnesses, she fell to the floor, without warning. He said that an off duty doctor happened to be on the street at the same time and was at her side in seconds.
“He told the officers who attended that he thought she had suffered a sudden and massive brain haemorrhage and she was probably dead before she hit the ground.”
The female officer who was now sat beside him put her hand on his.
“He said that she wouldn’t have to know anything about it, sir.”
They were talking but I wasn’t hearing. I couldn’t take it all in. I wasn’t going to see her again. How would I cope? What would I do?
I heard the female trying to get my attention.
“Sir, is there anyone who we can call?”
I thought of the kids, but I didn’t want them hearing about their mum from the police. I looked at her.
“Brian.”

Ten minutes later I heard the front door burst open and I looked up as he burst into the lounge. He stood and stared at me. I looked up and tears fell down my cheeks. He dropped onto the sofa and hugged me as I began to sob. He looked up at the officers and asked what had happened. As they told him I lay in his arms and sobbed.
“What do I do now Brian? I can’t do this on my own?”
He hugged me like never before.
“You’re not on your mate. You will never be on your own.”

Eventually, I calmed enough to be taken to the hospital where I met a doctor who told me that what the doctor had said in the street was probably the most likely cause of death. There would have to be a post-mortem examination to confirm it, but they didn’t expect to find anything surprising.
I was talking to a room in the mortuary where I was allowed to see her. Brian accompanied me and when I saw her I almost collapsed again. He held me up as we walked to her side. I looked down at her. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. She looked like she was sleeping.
I reached out and stroked my fingers across her face. She didn’t smile, as she always used to when I did that. I leaned over and kissed her lips, now so cold. I whispered that I loved her. I stood and watched as Brian also kissed her, I saw his tears fall as he looked down on her. I knew that it was difficult for him too.

We left the hospital and went to his house. Sara was waiting for us when we arrived and I fell into her arms as we both cried. I looked at Brian.
“The kids!”
He nodded and left the room to call them.
He returned ten minutes later and told me that they would be here later today. I didn’t ask how they took it, I knew how they’d take it. They’d be devastated. The next twenty-four hours were a blur. All I can remember was tears, sleep, more tears.
I was in no fit state to think about organising a funeral, that fell to Brian, and the kids, who were a lot stronger than I was. The three of them, plus Sara organised everything. All of our relatives were informed, the service was organised once her body was released and the cause of death confirmed as a massive brain haemorrhage. Whilst all this went on I spent most of my time either slumped on the sofa or laid on the bed whilst all around me my closest friends and family worked hard to make sure that everything went smoothly.
The day of her funeral was the most traumatic and sad day of my life. I had never thought that she would be the one to go first. I don’t know why, but I had always assumed that it would be me, mostly because I knew that she would be strong enough to carry on, whereas, I doubted that I would be. And as I got dressed to say goodbye to her I still doubted it, perhaps even more.
I don’t know how I got through it. I was a wreck. Instead of being strong and there for my children, I was the one who needed help to walk into the church, to walk to the graveside. If it hadn’t been for Brian, my son and other male members of our family I wouldn’t have got through the day without collapsing.
It was a dark time, not just for me, but for my whole family. And not just for the family, for Brian too. He and Anne were close, I knew just how much he loved her, and she loved him. He was devastated too.

Once everyone had left after the funeral, and the kids had returned home I was left alone in the house that I had shared with her for nearly thirty years. I could feel her presence everywhere I went, but none more than in our bedroom. It became so strong that I couldn’t sleep in there and ended up sleeping in one of the spare rooms for a while as I lived life, one day at a time.
One day turned into two, then four, then a week. Soon it was two weeks, then a month. And all this time my best friend had hardly left my side. But he was not the only one, Sara had been wonderful too. Like when Dianne had died and Anne comforted Brian. Sara took on that role with me. I’d see her daily, she’d come and make sure that I got up in the morning, got showered, ate. She’d make me food and freeze it for me. She’d take me shopping, make me do chores around the house. And when I needed it, she’d sit with me and hold me as I cried.

Then, the day arrived that I never thought would arrive. I woke up and I looked out of the window. It was a nice day and I got out of bed and realised that I wanted to get up, so I did. I showered and made myself some breakfast. I had a brief look around the garden for the first time in weeks and then I picked up my car keys and headed for the door.
Brain and Sara were stunned to see me at their door. We sat in their kitchen and over a coffee I told them that whilst I wasn’t back to normal, I felt a lot better, and I wanted to take them out for lunch. They were delighted by my improvement and as we chatted I was even able to talk about Anne.
“You know. I have been racking my brains trying to remember my last words to her.”
Brian put his hand on mine.
“Mate. Don’t do that.”
I looked at him and smiled.
“No. It’s okay because I’ve remembered. As she walked out of the door I hugged her and told her that I loved her. My last words to her were ‘I love you.’ So she knew.”
Sara smiled at me.
“Of course she knew. How could she not know Paul?”

After that day it got a little easier to get up each day. I started to do things for myself. I went out, even the grocery shopping seemed to be an achievement. I started to go to work two or three days a week. And as the second month passed I even had a night at the pub with Brian. We went to see a local band, just as we used to do every Friday for many years.
As we walked home after the pub we talked about Anne.
“Do you remember, it was on a night like this when I first mentioned to you about you and Anne?” I asked.
He smiled and nodded.
“Yeah. I thought you were taking the piss. Or were pissed. I couldn’t believe that she wanted me.”
I smiled at him.
“It didn’t turn out so bad did it?”
He smiled.
“So bad? It was an awesome mate. The best experience of my life. I’ve got memories that will last my lifetime.”
It was true, we both had. But I also had the recordings, and I began to wonder if I could ever bring myself to watch them again.
I managed to start sleeping in our bedroom again. It wasn’t easy but I could still feel her in the room, and sometimes, it made it easier for me, Though I used to find myself talking to her as if she was still there. There was one thing that I couldn’t bring myself to do, however, and that was getting rid of her clothes. I knew I had to, but every time I tried I broke down.

It had been nearly three months and I was doing better each day. I got a visit from my god-daughter Hannah, Brian’s daughter. As we hugged she explained that she had come to see her dad but he and Sara had gone out for the day and she was at a loose end, so she had come to see me.
It was lovely to see her, we hadn’t seen each other since the funeral, and I was a bit of a mess then. We chatted, she asked how I was, I told her and she was happy that I was starting to live again.
“You do know that Aunty Anne wouldn’t want you to stay cooked up in the house all day don’t you Uncle Paul?”
I loved how she still called me uncle, even though I am no relation to her. I told her that I was trying to live normally. I was enjoying having her there so much that I invited her out for lunch and we enjoyed a delicious lunch at a pub beside the river. It had been one of Anne’s favourite places to eat. As we talked I told her that I was struggling to throw out Anne’s clothes. She offered to do it for me. I asked her if she was sure and she said that as long as I didn’t mind then she’d be glad to help me.
We got home and we went upstairs, and I took up some black bin-liners to put the clothes in. I planned to take them to the local charity shops. I sat on the bed as Hannah began to empty Anne’s wardrobe. We chatted as she did, mainly to take my mind off what was happening. We recalled stories of our time together as she and her brother grew up, the holidays that we shared with our kids. Both families had been very close.
She had filled four bags and they were laid out on the floor. She turned to the drawers and opened up the top one, her underwear drawer. She started to unload it and I noticed that she had stopped talking. I looked up at her, she had her back to me and appeared to be staring at something. I stood and walked to her and saw that she had Anne’s vibrator in her hand. I tried to make a joke.
“Ah. I see you found it. She used to make good use of that.”
But Hannah stared, and I noticed that she was blushing. I asked her if she was okay. She nodded.
“Anne was a very sexual woman Hannah. Even at her age. I’m sure that you understand that. We are both adults, I’m sure that you have your ways of relieving tension.”
This was weird talking with her like this but I wasn’t getting the response that I expected. She turned to look at me.
“I don’t have one.”
I stared at her.
“But you know what they’re for right?”
She nodded. I put my hand on hers.
“You will have to get Danny to buy you one.”
She looked at me like I was crazy.
“Oh, he wouldn’t do that. He thinks they are disgusting.”
I must have looked surprised as she continued.
“We don’t, you know, do it much.”
She glanced down at the vibrator. I put my hand on hers and squeezed it.
“Okay. Anne used to keep it very clean Hannah. I want you to take it. I’m sure that it would make her smile to know that you were using it.”
She looked at me.
“Oh, I couldn’t.”
I nodded and folded her fingers around it.
“Yes. You could. Here, this is how you turn it on.”
She jumped as it buzzed into life and she stared at it.
“I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you how to use it.”
She gave me a look that said otherwise. I began to panic. I raised my hands.
“Oh Hannah, I can’t go there honey.”
I swear she pouted at me. I thought to myself, ‘what is she doing to me?’
“Hannah, you’re my god-daughter.”
She stared at me.
“Yes. But not your daughter.”
My heart was racing, I was panicking.
“But you’re my best friend’s daughter?”
Again she stared at me.
“But not yours.”
Then her eyes softened.
“Uncle Paul.”
I put my hand on hers.
“Paul.”
She nodded.
“Paul. I told Anne that I’ve fancied you for years. You’re not my uncle, your my dad’s best friend.”
I nodded and said that Anne had told me. She blushed.
“She told you?”
I smiled.
“Yeah. It kind of turned her on.”
She bit her lip and looked at me.
“And what about you?”
I stared.
“What about me?”
She nodded.
“Yeah. Did it turn you on?”
I was now on the back foot.
“I, er.”
I stammered as she moved closer to me. I started to back away but she had a hold of my hand.
“Please? No one will find out, I promise.”
My mind was racing. I hadn’t had a sexual thought for weeks, and now here I was, in our bedroom with my god-daughter begging me to fuck her. Suddenly she leaned forward and put her hands around my neck and pulled me to her and kissed me. I was surprised, and I felt her tongue pushing at my lips, eventually, I succumbed and parted them and she pushed it into my mouth and sought mine. I slid my hands around her waist and held her as she pressed her body against mine.
She moaned as she felt the unmistakable bulge that was in my pants. My head was spinning, I was still panicking. Here I was, in the bedroom that I shared with my late wife. And I was locked in a passionate kiss with my god-daughter and best friend’s daughter.
I broke free and with both of us were breathless I stared at her.
“What are we doing Hannah? We can’t!”
She stared at me, and then looked down at the obvious bulge in my pants.
“I think we can.”
My head was spinning. I was so confused. I knew that if Brian found out that I’d kissed her like that, never mind anything else it might be the end of us. Yet all I could think about at that moment was pinning her to the bed and ravishing her. She moved towards me.
“Oh, Uncle Paul. Please.”
I raised my hand. She stopped.
“Two things. One, are you sure that you want to do this? And two, stop calling my Uncle.”
She smiled at me.
“Yes, I am sure, Paul.”
She stood before me, her chest heaving as she panted and I looked at her. ‘She’s right, she’s not my daughter. We aren’t related.’ Any resistance melted away when she moved to me and kissed me again. My hands pulled her to me and I responded by pushing my tongue into her mouth, this was going to happen.
My fingers tore at the buttons of her blouse, and in my eagerness, I ripped several of them off as I tore open her blouse. Hannah was a pretty woman, she stood at around five-four, and had reddish-brown hair cut short in a sort of bob. She had what I’d call a fuller figure, with magnificent breasts. And when I removed her bra I saw them for the first time in all their glory. Her nipples stood atop dark areola, and her breasts looked to be at least a D-cup. I let my hands cup them and I gently caressed them with my fingers as she tugged at my shirt and started to unbutton it.
Soon we were stood in my bedroom almost naked. Me in my boxers, with a huge bulge in them and her in her tiny bikini panties, stretched across her full hips. I glanced down and could see the perfect shape of her labia outlined by her panties, she was cleanly shaven.
I guided her to the bed and when her legs hit the mattress she let me lay her down and I joined her as I leaned over her and kissed her. As I played with her tongue in her mouth I felt her hands slid into my boxers and she moaned as she wrapped her fingers around my hard cock. I lifted my face and looked into her eyes.
“I don’t have a condom, Hannah.”
She smiled and kissed me.
“I don’t care,” she replied.
I lowered my lips over her nipple and sucked it into my mouth and let my tongue flick across it as I let my hand slide across her flesh and my fingers teased and rolled her other nipple between them and tugged gently on it.
She moaned and sighed as I worked my lips and tongue over her breasts. Her fingers stroked my cock slowly. She may not get much sex from her husband, but she did know how to handle a cock. I broke away and knelt up. And staring into her eyes I peeled down my boxers. My cock sprung free and she stared at it as I slid them off and tossed them onto the floor.
I crawled down slowly her body planting soft kisses as I went, and when I got to her feet I looked up at her. I reached up and peeled her panties down her legs and pulled them off. Kneeling up I took hold of her feet and slowly pulled them apart, spreading her legs. I gazed up and into a smooth pussy with a huge clit protruding from its hood.
As I made my way up her legs I stopped and kissed, licked and teased her inner thighs. She writhed and moaned, clearly this was something that she liked, and I guessed, rarely got. When I reached her pussy I stared into the wet folds. It wasn’t the magnificent, tight, slim and firm pussy of Becky. But Hannah had flesh, she was all woman, she’d given birth and her pussy still looked magnificent to me.
I reached out with my tongue and slid it along her slit. She gasped out loud. Not the first time that this room had heard that. And when I settled my lips onto her clit and began to nibble it and tease it she grabbed my hair and tugged my head hard into her pussy and wrapped her full thighs around my head and squeezed tight.
I licked and lapped at her pussy as she ground it against my lips. She thrust her hips up at my mouth as she lifted her bum off the bed and tried to physically fuck my mouth. She was crying out, moaning and begging me to make her come.
“Oh god, Paul that’s fantastic. Don’t stop. Oh fuck, I’ve never.”
Then she screamed as loud as anyone had ever screamed in there before as she pulled my hair and gripped my head in her thighs as she came with her whole body. She shook and writhed under me, she rocked from side to side as she was consumed by a huge orgasm. I managed to stay with her, I had no choice. She had my head locked between her thighs.
Eventually, her orgasm began to subside, and as it did she slowly released my head from her thighs as her legs fell limply apart. I licked up her juices that had flowed from her during her orgasm as she let go of my hair. I slid up beside her and stroked my fingers across her face.
“Wow, Hannah. Looks like you needed that.”
She turned her head to face me.
“Oh, Unc. Oh, Paul. That was the most fantastic orgasm ever. I’ve never had that done, like that before.”
I smiled and kissed her lips. She moaned as she tasted her juices that were still on my lips. She looked at me and slipped her fingers across my face and cupped my face in her hand.
“I want you now Paul.”
I smiled as I kissed her once more then slid down to her feet and knelt between her legs once more. I looked down as she stared at me, I stroked my hard cock a few times, then I lifted her legs and pushed her knees towards her chest, and placed her feet flat on the bed. She reached down and held her legs as I manoeuvred into position. I paused as I looked into her eyes.
“Are you sure that you want to do this Hannah?”
“YES!” She replied.
I smiled and leaned forward and guided my hard cock between her wet lips and into her tight pussy. And she was tight. Even after having a child, she was so much tighter than Anne had been. I closed my eyes and moaned as I plunged deep into her pussy. She let go of her knees and locked her hands behind my neck and pulled me onto her as she groaned.
“Oh god, Paul. You’re big.”
I smiled. I wasn’t. But I guess Danny was even smaller.
I lay on her and kissed her. As we kissed I began to move inside of her and we began to make love. She lifted her feet and slipped them behind my thighs and gripped me as she worked her pussy against me as I pushed into her.
She felt so good. I picked up speed and was soon plunging into her faster and harder. She responded with moans and cries of pleasure as she pushed back at me as we got into a nice steady rhythm. Soon the room was filled with the slapping sounds of flesh against flesh and the moans of us both, and her cries and squeals of pleasure.
I felt that I wouldn’t be lasting very long and started to pound into her, which only made her moan and squeal even more, and even louder. She loved sex and didn’t get enough at home to keep her satisfied. She urged me on, telling me to fuck her deeper, harder.
“Oh, Paul. I want you to fill me up. Give me your cum!”
She cried out as she dug her fingers into my back as I slammed my cock hard into her. Then I felt it. I knew I was going to cum. I lifted myself onto my arms and looked at her as I pounded into her. She realised and we locked eyes as I gave one final thrust and plunged deep and I watched her eyes bulge and a smile spread across her face as she felt the first hot gush of my cum shoot out and into her pussy. I lay still on her as my cock jerked inside of her as I shot spurt after spurt of cum deep into her wet and wanting pussy.
Spent I fell on top of her and she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I lay on her as we both breathed hard and started to recover. Eventually, I rolled from her and lay beside her. She slipped onto my arm and lay with her head on my shoulder as I stroked her hair.
“I can’t believe that we just did that Hannah.”
She kissed my chest and stroked her fingers across it.
“I know. It was amazing. It was beautiful Paul. That was the best sex that I’ve ever had.”
I cuddled her and thanked her. She lifted her face and looked at me.
“I mean it, Paul. I have never felt like that before, ever. Danny isn’t as attentive as you. All he cares about is himself and as long as he comes, then his job is done. I have never orgasmed like that with him.”
I stroked her hair and held her against me. I had no idea how to respond to that. We lay together for a few minutes then I told her that we should get up. It was clear that she didn’t want to and it took a lot of persuading to get her to agree.
Her blouse was ruined, and after looking through some of Anne’s stuff she found one that fit if she left the top buttons open. I asked her what she would tell her dad. She said that she would tell him she spilt something on herself. She went one further than that. When we got downstairs she poured blackcurrant syrup onto the blouse and bunched it up.
“I’ll tell him that I dropped my drink on myself if he asks.”

I made us both a coffee and as we sat in the kitchen drinking it I felt strange. I didn’t feel guilty, I felt embarrassed, and I wondered if I had taken advantage of her. I also wondered whether it would change our relationship. She assured me that it wouldn’t.
“It will make us closer too Paul.”
But the way that she looked at me had me worried that what had just happened might not be the last time. And I knew that if it wasn’t, then things could so easily go wrong for us, for me, and me and her dad.
As I showed her out, I thanked her for helping me with Anne’s clothes. She turned and kissed me. Oh god, she tasted good. We hugged and she thanked me for making her feel like a woman again, my instinct was to say, “any time”, but I fought it and held her. I knew that it could never happen again.
“The pleasure was all mine.”
As I watched her drive away and I closed the door I thought about Anne, and what she would say. A smile spread across my face, I knew what she would say.
“Oh, Uncle Paul!”

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