Chapter One | Issues
Dinner with my family was one of the hardest physical activity I performed every day in my life and with time it has taken an emotional toll on me. I was so unfamiliar with table manners that I had to control my fidgeting hands and bouncing leg long enough to sit still for about fifteen minutes and not a minute longer.
I used to struggle to eat with a spoon because my hand used to shake uncontrollably but now I’ve learned my lessons and slowly but steadily I’m regaining back my wandered control.
We pray together and thank the heavenly God above who have given us food on our plates, the roof above our heads, and health to our little family. Every day we pray for the same things.
Sometimes I wonder why to thank someone for something just to show you are grateful. You can show gratefulness in so many other ways too. If God has given food on your plate then pass it down to those who don’t have it. But that gesture will require them to think about someone else for a change.
Humans are just selfish creatures.
Putting aside the capsicum with my spoon I concentrated on eating beans only. I dropped the spoon quietly as their prayer finished and they picked up their spoons to eat. I resumed my own little separation game I play with the vegetables every day.
I hate capsicum but almost everything I’ve eaten so far in this house has capsicum in it. My father doesn’t know I hate capsicum because he is not interested enough to know anything about me. Period.
“How was school today?”
My dad asked my stepsister Susan who was five years younger than me. With a slight bounce to the chair, she excitedly narrated her whole day at school.
At the age of twelve, she was quite a popular girl unlike me. She had soft blond hair, electric blue eyes and a cute little face to match the rest of her striking features. I stared at her when I saw her again after so many years. The emotions that overwhelmed me were negative and aggressive. I hated myself for it because this girl played no role in ruining my life but I couldn’t help myself but think what if she was never born.
My father beamed at her every word and laughed lightly while looking at my stepmother, Ella wondering and thanking God once again for giving them such a beautiful and talented daughter unlike the one sitting right in front of them.
I quietly tucked at my food not really feeling an appetite for my least favourite dish anymore. After listening to Susan’s every word his attention turned towards me.
“And how was your day?”
It was a simple question asked by my father every single day but I couldn’t help but compare the absent enthusiasm with the one he showered Susan with. I hate comparing myself to her but I can’t help it when it is so obvious.
I’m an intruder. I am not welcome here. I am not the perfection he is used to. To him, I am a mole he’s trying his very best to ignore but it’s getting difficult because he is slowly losing his calm. His face has started showing signs of disgust for me just like the first time he saw me after years.
“I’m still getting settled. Everything is perfect in school”.
With a nod my way, the dinner resumed. I was dismissed and my father made small talk with Ella not once bothering to have a real conversation with me.
He never asked me how I survived so many years by myself. How was my life without a constant father figure in it? How did I feel when I thought that no one could understand me? He treats me like an object who has no feelings and according to him no boundaries too.
Some scars are burning deep inside my skin from the wound he left on me that have made me paralyzed with fear and insecurities.
Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve moved from Orlando. I have no one to call a friend or someone I can talk with. I’m a bitter person and so far I’m okay with everyone minding their own business and not interfering in my life. But I know I will soon get lonely and I’m going to need someone soon. I need a company to remain sane. I hope the chain of destruction doesn’t self-start after that.
After dinner, I made my way up to my room, the only room beside the storeroom on the top floor. It feels cold here at nights but that’s something I will get used to soon. My room is not a big one but it is also not cramped for a single person with not many belongings.
I love the window in the center of the room. The only place where I can feel peace by gazing at the beautiful sky, observing the little diamonds shining all over the night blanket, hypnotizing me and carrying me to a world where I was not a wreck and my parents were not separated and where there were only three of us living peacefully in a small house.
But that’s an illusion of my mind or heart, whichever one I still have. The night will soon end. The diamonds will soon become invisible and the sun will burn so bright that you just have to cover yourself from it, pretending the burn doesn’t bother you anymore because now it has become a reality-a everyday scene.
I pulled open my drawer and picked up the chipped photograph of my family. My dad, my mom, and my four-year-old self. The toothy grin on my face matches my father’s as I locked my arms around my mother’s neck. I pushed back the photograph to the farthest corner of the drawer and closed it.
A chapter finished before it even started and all I ever was a catalyst to the destruction. An end to a beginning.
I wish I was someone else and somewhere else.
A/N: The first novel I ever published on a writing platform. I wrote this book when I was not truly myself. I was lost and more than that I didn’t mind it. It took me some time to get over that feeling of numbness and nothing. This book is all about feels.
My only goal is to make you feel something just like I did after a long time.
Hope you enjoy reading this book. Leave comments because I love reading and replying to them.