Three months later
College was a nice distraction, but it wasn't permanent.
Just like now, as I sat on my single bed, the purple sheets underneath working well with the white walls that made up my dorm room.
I sat and cried.
I hadnt cried since the first week of college, the image of Nik running behind my parents car had become my newest nightmare.
Filling me with guilt and regret.
The pain and anguish that was writing on his face that day almost killed me there and then.
I regretted not talking to him before I left, letting us both have the closure we so desperately needed, but never got.
But that was then, almost three months ago to the date, besides, I was crying for whole other reason this time around.
The weather in New York was cold, damp and miserable, reflecting who I felt.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks, blinking a few times before I loaded up my Facebook, searching for the name I promised myself I wouldn't utter.
Your doing the right thing.
I kept repeating the four words over and over again, dispite knowing what he would say, taking me back to that awkward exchange we shared three months ago.
Bitting my bottom lip, I began typing his name into the search bar, praying we were still friends and that he hadn't blocked me.
To my relief, his profile pops up, his eyes looking straight at me as a breath leaves my throat.
He hasn't changed, not one bit.
His beep blue eyes are shinning with happiness, looking straight at the camera with the widest smile.
His Florida State jersey hugging his chest and shoulders snug as I lick my dry lips.
I move the arrow to the message icon, but hesitate, my curiosity getting the better of me.
I crew my bottom lip, seeing that his profile still isn't private.
I know I shouldn't.
I know this will only hurt me more, but I'm stupid.
I begin to scroll down his wall, seeing the countless tags he is in.
Parties, nights out, football games, classes.
Its all there, telling me he was having the time of his life.
As mine was crashing down around me.
Pictures of different girls wrapped around him, holding onto him as if they had hit the jackpot.
And he was holding onto them just as tight.
He was enjoying himself, having the greatest college experience, not knowing I was about to pull it all out from under him.
I kept scrolling as tears pricked my eyes, watching photo after photo of him kissing girls, drinking after a game or just relaxing at the beach.
The sun making him just shine out more, as girls in the background lusted after him.
Their eyes drinking in a shirtless Nik.
He was excelling at football too, as I read random comments and posts from people, praising him, going into great detail explaining just how talented he truly was.
He was going to be someone one day.
He was going to achieve his dream.
I swallowed painfully, remembering our conversation.
He was right.
He wasn't ready.
And I couldnt blame him for that.
I pushed my laptop away, done torturing myself.
I clung onto the white piece of plastic, holding it to my chest, making the decision not keep my mouth shut.
I know it isn't right, but maybe one day he would thank me?
Because really, who wants to be a dad at 18?
I didnt even want to be a mum at this age, I had dreams too, but here I was, holding the white bit of plastic showing two pink lines.
I'd tell him one day, I'd have too.
I wasn't going to keep him for his child.
But that day wasn't today, or anytime soon.
Wait till he has all his dreams accomplished, then I would tell him, watching his world fall down around him.
This isn't going to go well.
He would probably think I did this on purpose, which I didnt.
I took that dam pill, swallowed it with a tall glass of water before making my way to his final game.
The night it all turned to shit.
I had googled that the morning after pill I had taken, levonorgestrel was only 87% effective.
They never fucking told me that.
I found out that The Plan-B morning after pill was much more effective, but opted for the cheaper brand, seeing I didnt have a whole lot of money with me, and asking my parents was out of the question.
I laid back onto my mattress, still gripping the test as I ran my opened hand down, covering my flat stomach, trying to feel something.
I knew I would be able too.
A small smile appears on my face, wondering about this impossible little bean sitting inside of me
A mixture of Nik and I, the man I am so desperately in love with, but didn't trust anymore.
You can love someone with everything you hold, but it doesn't last if there is no trust, it will be doomed to self-destruct from the beginning.
I was shocked and quite shaken about the positive outcome, but I couldnt go through with an abortion.
I respected a woman's right to choose, and I choose to keep my baby.
I also respected a man's decision as well, yes it is my body but this little bean is his, just as much as it is mine.
I sound like such a fucking hypocrite!
I will keep the baby and when the time came to tell Nik, I'd leave it up to him whether or not he wanted to be in our lives.
Well the babies life.
Who knows, he might have someone new by then.
It was fantastic!
Great really, I was playing college football, gaining respect and recognition playing under Coach Bobby Freeman.
He was a hard fucking man, built like a tank and at the age of 55, he put the rest of us to shame as soon as we had our first practice.
I never realised how shit we were, how our games and planning were weak compared to his.
It had been close to three months since I walked through the gates that lead to campus, just a normal 18 year old high school graduate turned college freshman.
Freeman had pushed us hard and fast, releasing our potential that we never knew we had, making us train harder which in turn, made us play better.
My body ached after every practice, and I felt damaged after ever game we played, but fuck I felt alive.
But appearances can be deserving.
I looked good, smiled for every photo, went to every party the boys dragged me to, pretending I was ok.
But that was further from the truth.
I was dead inside, hollow with only my skeleton to hold me up right.
I had drive for the game but nothing much else.
If it wasnt for the boys I'd be sitting inside my dorm room, staring at the ceiling, my mind drifting to Ray.
It wasnt like she never occupied my mind, she was always there, feeling her in my heart and soul.
Football was the best distinction for me, helping me focus on something other than my pain and grief.
But I wasn't playing at my best in the beginning, and Coach could see it.
I had explained it to him one day about it all, after he found me in a ball on the shower floor, sobbing like a baby.
God that was humiliating!
He had shocked me with his words and kindness.
I never would have believed that under all that muscle and glare, laid a soft, gentle man who was married to the love of his life, the only woman to ever have possession of is heart and soul.
He told me that he went through a similar thing, that he was a stupid 18 year old with no brains and to much blood flowing to his dick.
He had hurt his high school girlfriend, cheated on her with someone he doesn't even remember, not even her name.
It crushed her and almost killed him in the process.
He wasnt drunk, he wasnt high, there was no doubt about their relationship, the girl was just there, flirting with him, touching him in a way that made him think with the wrong head.
So he kissed her, slept with her without a thought to what it would have done to his relationship, to his girlfriend.
He was popular, with boys wanting to be like him and girls willing to please him in any way he wanted.
He sat with me on the cold wet floor, with nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist, explained to me that he had come clean to his girlfriend, that after it happened, he felt the most unbelievable pain he had ever felt.
He couldn't tell me why he hadn't felt it before he had slept with her, he still doesn't know till this day, but he was a complete and utter mess without her.
So, he chased her, begging her, proving to her that he would never hurt her that way again.
He left her alone to date, even though it killed him inside, he left her alone to have her boyfriends but he didn't interfere, he left her alone to heal.
He never dated, never entertained a woman in the two years they wernt together, because he knew what he wanted.
They ended up as friends again, till one day she smiled at him, not just any smile but a smile she use to wear when they were in love.
That's when he new, that's when he said she had healed, that she trusted him again, that she loved him again.
It didnt happen overnight, it took a good two fucking years before he regained her trust again.
But what is two years when you can spend a lifetime with the woman you love?
I smiled at that, because it was a beautiful sacrifice to make.
I knew what I had to do, I knew she needed time and space, but I had to extend an olive branch, because even though I missed her, I had also missed our friendship too.
I had already wasted six years, I wasn't going to waste anymore.
Ray was it for me, no other girl or woman compared to her, they were all dimly lit lights, overshadowed by a bright burning sun.
Girls tried to gain my attention but it was useless, because I wasn't going there with them.
It was winter break, Paul and I were heading home for the holidays.
My mum was putting on this great big Christmas dinner, inviting my grandparents over with Paul's family joining us as well.
We were flying back home, the drive there not an option when in the car with Paul and his shit taste in music filtering though the speakers.
We were room-mates and that was enough.
So we flew the 7 hour flight to Portland, with mum picking us up to drive home to Oregon City.
Winter in Oregon City was pleasant, reaching mostly in the 50's, but the nights can get below freezing, and it snows every year, although the snow usually melts within the day.
With my coat zipped up all the way and suitcase in hand, we made our way off the plane, walking throught the terminal, seeing my mum standing by the gates with a huge smile on her face.
She looked good.
She was in jeans and a white woollen jumper, her hair was pulled up into a mess bun with her scaff wrapped around her neck.
She began to push through the crowd, throwing her arms around me, pulling me down into a great big giant hug.
I hugged her back, lifting her up off the floor before she starts slapping my shoulder.
"Put me down Nikky!"
She laughs out, kissing me on the cheek before I let her boots touch the ground.
"Missed you ma" I chuckle, watching her greet Paul.
"Missed you more, the house is so quiet without you all around"
I nod, watching Paul and Ma hug before we walk through the crowded airport.
"You both had a good flight?"
We nod, walking out into the cold Oregon air, causing both Paul and I to pull our thick heavy coats up further, covering most of out faces.
"What are you boys doing? Its not that cold"
We reached the car, putting out bags in.
"We are too use to the weather in Florida" Paul shivers, climbing into the car as mum pulls away from the curb.
"You both have grown too soft"
Mum laughs, turing the heat up as I look out the window, seeing the familiar sits I grew up with.
I exhale, wondering if Ray was home for the holidays, wondering if I should go see her.
Paul didn't think it was a good idea, suggesting to message her first.
The day she had left was gut wrenching, chasing the car down the road, waving my hands, begging her to stop.
But she didn't.
She just turned around, looking back ahead while I continued to chase till my legs gave out, falling to the road below.
My heart broke, soul disappeared as I tried to catch my breath, body trembling on the hard cement below as my tears fell.
Loosing her was gut wrenching, but watching her turn her back to me was devastating.
All I wanted was to erase that image from my mind, but it was just another horrible memory piled on top of all the others I had, buried in my mind.
Maybe we both needed more time.
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