What the fuck did I just do? I love Rhaya. And I just broke her fucking heart. How could I be so selfish? How could I not even fight for her? Why was I so scared of getting my heart broken, that I completely disregarded hers?
Seeing her cry and hearing her say that everyone always leaves her or hurts her, and I just did both…. Fuck, that just about killed me.
I’m so angry at myself! I know all the heartache she has been through in her life, so how could I do that to her?
Before she walked out she said she had a choice who she wanted to be with at the end. Fuck! If I would have known that… it would have changed everything!
My heart is racing. I feel like I’m going to throw up. There was actually a chance of Rhaya being mine? And I fucked it up.
I ran to the toilet and began puking. Knowing that I have ruined everything with Rhaya, is making me physically ill.
I threw up until I had nothing to throw up. And then I dry heaved.
My head was not on straight last night. When Damien and I went out drinking, that’s when I decided I wanted all of Rhaya before I lost her. But I clearly didn’t think it through.
She’s right, I should have abided by the contract and got through these next couple months. Yes, I know I would fall more in love with her, but getting my heart broken is a better outcome then seeing her hurt.
After dry heaving for a good twenty minutes, I rinsed my mouth out and sat on my bed with my head in my hands.
“I’m so fucking stupid!” I yelled out loud. I’m not an emotional person but tears began to fall down my face again.
What am I going to do? I felt so lost. I woke up every day excited for the day because of her. She’s all I think about. And now I lost her.