I was sitting in health class trying to think of things to put on the list. It was a lot of pressure because I don't want to put anything lame on it, but if he rejects something too raunchy then I might look like a freak. My teacher was going on about anatomy. Of course, when I wish the awkward class would come where the teacher talks about sex, it didn't. None of us are stupid enough to not know about anatomy so no one pays attention. I was going over things in my head because I will not be caught writing these things down. My actual list is at home.
I put some fluffy things on it because I'm not too naughty just a little kinky. I am assuming that Dawson put some simple stuff on his because he's a guy, a teenage guy. I mean they're just like, 'I wanna do it'. Although I'm sure he was creative with some of it.
The bell rang signaling it was my lunchtime. I put my things in my bag and started walking to the cafeteria. I turned a corner and I see Dawson walking down the hallway with a bunch of his friends. He looks emotionless almost. I mean sure he is laughing, but it looks fake and forced. Before he sees me observing him, I turn around and decide to walk the long way to the cafeteria. It's not like I sit in there anyways. I walk in to grab an apple and a smoothie because even though I don't fully trust school food, they have the best smoothie bar. After I pay, I quickly walk out to head to my car. I know it's lame to eat alone in my car, but I can relax and listen to music without anyone bothering me.
I put on a depressing playlist because it is kinda dreary out today and I like to follow the moods of the weather. I pull out a book to read and start sipping on my smoothie. I'm too lost in the book to see someone standing on the passenger side of my car. I'm startled out of it when I hear the door open. I look over and see Dawson getting into the car. He sees me looking at him with a confused expression.
"I knocked on the window, but you didn't hear me," he said.
"Ok, but that doesn't explain why you're here. Especially since we aren't supposed to hang out outside of sex and tutoring. If it's not obvious, we are not doing either of those things," I reply. He chuckles and stares at me for a few seconds. "Well I was hoping we could talk about the list," he starts. Here we go, he is probably going to talk about the basic guy's dream of simple controlling things.
"So the things I put on mine are a little basic and dominating," he says. There it is.
"That's fine. I have simple basic things on my list too. I mean we're young and it's not like I could put join the mile high club on mine," I say.
"Well, that sounds very tempting. Maybe in the future, we could," he says and then freezes. I look away, feeling tense. Does he really think we'll be doing that far in the future? "Oh yeah that sounds sexy," I say, trying to lighten the atmosphere. He lets out a forced laugh and says, "I saw you in the hallway earlier." Well, there goes the mood. "Oh really," trying to play it off like I didn't purposely go a different way.
"Yeah, you know we can walk past each other and still act cool."
"Well, of course, I know that. I just want to get a little more exercise. I've been feeling heavy lately and my diet has been slipping," I said. He peers down at smoothie in my hand. I laugh, but it sounds high pitched and squeaky. "I also have an apple right there. This isn't all I'm eating." I could not sound more stupid.
He looks amused at this point so I just stop talking. We sit in the car with the soft music playing in the background as we look out at the view. My car is facing the beautiful mountain range that the school sits in between. This is why I sit in the car. The cafeteria is loud and I don't want to stare at a plain table for the whole period.
"So are you staying and eating lunch. I didn't think you brought food, but you can have part of my apple," I said breaking the silence.
"It's really nice and peaceful here. It is good to get away from everyone there. I can see why you come out here," he replied. I guess I should assume that he is staying.
"Yeah it's not like I need to get away from anyone, but it's still peaceful."
"Why don't you open up to anyone. It seems like you even put effort into pushing people away," he says. Oh no, this is a conversation I will avoid at all costs. Not that anyone ever really asks me, but we aren't even supposed to be talking about deep things. Should I tell him to leave or just change the subject. He would know something is up with either of those options.
"No, I don't. I just feel like I can't connect with anyone here. I'm ahead of my time," I say, avoidance is key and I even threw a joke in there to divert and lighten the mood.
"Yeah I know what you mean," he says. Is that him trying to change the subject or relate to me. I don't know. Did my plan work? Well, I guess we should just sit in silence for the rest of lunch. I open my book back up and start reading again. A few minutes later, I feel a hand on my thigh. I push it off because there is no way I am doing it in the school parking lot during school hours. He just puts it back higher this time.
"I will not be having sex anywhere near school especially when someone could see," I explained trying to get his mind off the idea.
"Come on have a little spontaneity," he coaxed. I was getting a little nervous. I hope he didn't pop a viagra and come out here for sex.
"I don't feel comfortable with it. We haven't been doing this long enough either," I said trying to get rid of the uneasy feeling.
"Don't you feel a little naughty," he leaned in and whispered in my ear. What if his friends are filming this right now? What if he wants to get me naked to embarrass me in front of the whole school? What if he won't take no for an answer? I started breathing loudly. Oh no, my anxiety coming in full force. A side I hoped he would never see.
"I said no," I raised my voice and pushed myself against the car door. He senses me freaking out and backs away. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean," he stutters out. He looks a little horrified. Probably mirroring the emotions displayed on my face. I keeping trying to get my breathing in check as I see him reach for my hand. I shy away from his touch and he notices. "I think I should give you a little space for now, but I see you tomorrow at the library," he starts to open the door. I nod knowing I would calm down easily if I was alone and lost it for five seconds.
Before Dawson leaves, he turns and says, "I just want you to know that I would never force anything on you. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here." That'll never happen, but I still nod my head. He shuts the door quietly and walks away. I notice that I still have 15 minutes left for lunch, so plenty of time to calm down.
I make sure he is gone then I scream my lungs out. Letting it all out is better than keeping it in. My huge wave of emotions lasts for less than a minute as usual. That's why I don't hold everything in. At least for me when I release my pent up emotions they come and go quickly. I put on soothing music and relax for another ten minutes before I head back in. I feel much better and ready for my last class of the day.
I feel awkward when I think about Dawson now. I don't know what happened that lead to that, but some things are out in the open. He will keep them at the back of his mind and that is exactly what I didn't want to happen.