37 | Out In The Open
** WARNING - This chapter is highly recommended for mature audiences. It contains HIGHLY triggering content.**
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
He looked so broken
It was never my intention to hurt him but I did. I thought that maybe if I left him, things will be better for him. I mean who wants to burden themselves with a mentally sick girlfriend in their lives?
I thought that he’d jump right into the arms of another woman, but he didn’t. At least he looked like he didn’t.
Thank fuck for that!
As much as I would love to sacrifice my love, I don’t think I’m that selfless. I love Blaze and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live without him. If this previous month ever taught me anything, it’s that I can’t live without this man.
Flaws or not
I’m done caring about what others think. They will never know what we share. As much as my feminist side hates to admit this, I can’t live without this man. And with the way he looked at me when I entered, it’s obvious that he felt the same too.
I was tired of depriving myself of happiness. Blaze makes me feel emotions that I’ve never felt before, not after the incident at least.
We may be fatal for each other
This might be just an infatuation
But I was done calling this a fatal infatuation because I’m not infatuated with him. I love this man! I can’t imagine being without him! Sure, it’ll hurt like a bitch if he decides to want nothing from me after he learns the truth, but I’m done predicting.
I quit foreseeing the future
This is my only chance to risk it all
And I’ll do it!
I watch him stare at me with an open mouth as his brain registers what he heard. Before he can respond, I raise my hand to continue.
Summoning all the suppressed bad memories of my life, I start narrating the truth,
“When I was sixteen, Nate threw a party at his college because of his birthday. I went there after I got an invitation from him. Unfortunately, I went alone. He was there drunk out of his mind when he kissed and we were about to…he was about to…” I stumble on my words as I feel my face turning red with mortification.
How the fuck do you tell the man you love that you were about to hand your virginity in a fucking platter to your old crush?
Blaze’s jaw starts ticking as he understands what I’m about to say and nods grimly without looking at me to continue. And I do.
“We didn’t do it. But when we were about to, he called me ‘Jane’. I was so embarrassed and deeply humiliated that I left his dorm room immediately. I felt like puking my guts as I went out. After regaining my breath, I went inside to demand a good explanation for his stupid behavior. Instead, I was met with yet another shock” I shake my head thinking about the bitter memory, feeling Blaze’s stare on me but I refused to look at him.
“He was there with another woman. The same place where he was about to take my virginity, he was there having sex with someone else…” I suck in a deep breath as the rage of what happened nine years back catches up with me.
“IN.THAT.EXACT.SAME.SPOT” I say through my gritted teeth and continue, “I was so disgusted by this. I quickly ran outside to leave. By the time I reached my car, I felt someone sneak in behind me before I felt a huge hit over my head. The next thing I know, I’m chained to some cellar. It was so dark. I couldn’t even see anything because I was blindfolded. I cried out for help numerous times but nobody answered.
“I was starved for what felt like days with nothing to eat. I was in and out of consciousness to the point where I felt like I was about to die. Then suddenly, someone finally entered the place where I was held captive and opened my eyes. And God, even to this day, I wished he hadn’t” I shudder as the gruesome image fills my visions with its horror and do my best to not vomit all over Blaze’s expensive carpet.
“Diana’s father was a serial killer and probably a psychopath because when he pulled the blindfold off me, I saw that the room where I was chained was filled with dead humans. They weren’t just dead humans. They were hanged in meat hooks like pigs inside the slaughterhouse. He didn’t say a single word as I kept screaming at the ghastly sight. Instead, he just laughed like it was the most amusing thing in the world” I could feel Blaze trying to inch closer to me after witnessing me tremble uncontrollably.
“The next thing he did was even worse. He unloaded one of the bodies from the meat hooks and proceeded to dismember the body right in front of me. I could do nothing but watch as he kept on cutting the dead body with the chainsaw. I swear it still gives me nightmares as I keep on replaying the sight. The next few hours are kind of blurry because I think I fainted. When I opened my eyes again…
“I saw that I was sitting on the dining table with my hands free and my torso and legs strapped tight to the chair with a plate of food in front of me. It wasn’t just any chicken or beef. It was freaking human meat! It was served on a golden plate with rosemary potatoes. I could tell that it was human meat because there were cooked ears.
“I was so disgusted by the sight that I tried vomiting but only ended up with dry heaves because I’ve been starving for days. The man appeared in front of me and offered me the plate like it was real food. I denied eating it and protesting against it triggered something in him because instantly, he stared beating me with his cane. After he was done, he forcefully…fed me that” I collapse on the floor in full-blown break-down as I recall that awful day.
My hands pull chunks of my hair in a vain attempt to erase all those abominable visions as I wail. I feel Blaze gathering me in the comfort of his arms as he tries to calm me but nothing helps.
I keep on crying until my eyes hurt with pain and my head grows dizzy when I struggle to breathe. It felt like someone was dragging me underwater in a closed box and I could do nothing about it.
Blaze’s hold tightens around me as he keeps on muttering his calming words to soothe me.
“Shh love, it’s ok. You don’t have to say anything anymore…” But I shake my head because I need to get it off my chest.
“No, no, I need to face this,” I say with a determined heart as Blaze stares at me with concern, “Thankfully he didn’t feed me that again and continued beating me. He would offer me water occasionally to avoid dehydrating me and would feed me vegetables. Raw vegetables…” Apparently, the bastard couldn’t cook REAL food.
And that is exactly the reason why I hate red meat and only eat chicken meat.
Fuck you, Fidel!
“This went on for a few days and almost everyday he would bring in new victims. Most of them were males in a drugged state. This made me realize that I was different because he still didn’t kill me. Most of the day, he would be intoxicated drunk and would just sleep all day. Fortunately, one day I saw that he left the keys to my handcuffs on the lock and I did my best to free myself and I did.
“I went out of the dark room. I tried my best to flee from there with my weak body. Eventually, I managed to reach the exit of what looked like some old family cellar. What I saw next knocked the breath out of me. There were bones of what looked like human skeletons broken down. But still, I ignored it all and reached the end. But Fidel appeared out of nowhere and was holding a silver revolver.
“Suddenly, we heard siren noises coming from outside and that is when I knew that the police probably located us. Or at least I was hopeful that someone sane might come and rescue me. That is when hell broke loose. Fidel chased me with the gun strapped to his waist with a filament rope. He finally caught up with me and tried to strangle me but before he succeeded in doing that, I managed to extract the firearm from him and shot him right in the head” I slump my head down on Blaze’s chest as relief coats my senses knowing that the atrocious man is dead.
“The police, later on, found all the bodies. There were at least fifty dead people that were recovered. He was a very well-known serial killer in the police department whom they have been trying to track down for days. They took me in for questioning and they did not even arrest me for killing him because it was an act of self-defense. The trial wasn’t a long one and later on, I was assigned to a shrink who was a really shitty one and six years of shit therapy, I met Alana and since then, she helped me overcome my depression.
’I was later on diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorder and severe depression. There were days when I tried…when I tried…committing suicide to just end this cycle of torture that keeps playing inside my head like a broken record” My head hangs low with shame for being so pathetic in those days.
“After that, my parents admitted me in a psychiatric hospital where I stayed for a year and also continued with my study. My parents eventually found out about why I was at Nate’s dorm but I told them to keep their mouths sealed over this fact because I didn’t want to ruin my father’s friendship with Nate’s dad just because of this. No one knows about what went down with me and Fidel Pietro and my parents did their best to keep my name away from the media”
As I finish my narrative, I don’t look at Blaze because I’m scared of his reaction. I’m scared to see the look of doubt. I’m scared to see pity lying in the depth of his eyes for me because I’m tired of seeing people pity me.
However, he lifts my face towards him and I dare take a glance at his face. I’m astounded when I see adoration shining in the glittery pools of his Egyptian blue eyes that are shining due to the reflection from the halogen light above us.
“I love you, Phoebe Carter. There’s nothing in this world that can convince me otherwise. You are the most phenomenal woman I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I don’t care that you’ve killed Diana’s father, Fidel because men like him don’t deserve to live. He killed countless people, Phoebe. I don’t know what you believe but I know that what you did was absolutely right. For fuck’s sake, he was about to kill you. If I were you, I would’ve done the same thing too.
“I’ll never pity you Tesoro Mío. How can I? I’ve never faced what you went through. I have no right to pity you. However, I can say that I’m proud to say I know such a brave, strong woman like you. Look at it like this, after everything that happened, you’re still alive, you’re still doing well. I know what Fidel did because his death was heavily broadcasted in the media. You know, I always wanted to meet the woman who killed him because I wanted to thank her.
“I swear there are thousands of people from the dead victims’ families who want to thank you for ending that terrible man’s life. He deserved it. By the way, how many times did you shoot him?” He asks me with genuine curiosity but my mind doesn’t stay fixated on his hilarious question. Instead, it’s focused on the fact that he confessed, he loves me.
Oh my God!
Noticing my silence, he looks down at my bundled form inside the safety of his arms.
“It’s alright, Phoebe, you don’t have to say it back-” I cut him off with a kiss and climb over his lap as I bring his face closer, cradling it in the confines of my cupped hands. I try to pour my gratitude and love in that kiss and don’t stop there.
“I love you, Blaze Hunter. I’ve loved you for a long time and no words can explain how happy it makes me know that you love me” I could feel hot wet tears sliding down my cheeks as I kiss him before he can respond to my declaration.
“Wait” He mumbles as he breaks away from me with a tormented look marking his face, making me worried instantly.
Oh no, did I do something wrong?
“I need to confess something I did when I was eleven,” He says with a long gulp and suddenly I see tears well the corner of his eyes as if he were digging up some old dirt.
“I did not tell you the entire truth about my grandfather” He mutters with his face down into a grimace like he’s conjuring something painful, “Grandpa hated my dad because he flushed it to my Grandma that Grandpa was a cheating asshole of a husband when dad witnessed Grandpa having sex with the young house-maid.
“He would beat my father unconscious for this because he kind of did love Grandma in his own fucked-up way and he was basically torn when she demanded a divorce from him. After a year of abuse, my Grandma gained the custody of my father and his young brother, Noah’s father and moved to England, where she raised them. They shared no contact with him until he called up dad and told him that he was dying.
“So, my mom and dad took me to France with them and I was only four at that time. He would act like he was sick in front of my father to gain his sympathy. This went on for two months until he started showing his true colors to me. He would lock me inside my childhood bedroom for hours until my parents returned from work. He would tip off the nanny to lie to my parents that I was doing ok” Suddenly, he pauses and bites his lip so hard like he’s horrified of what he’s about to say next.
His teeth start chattering and he unconsciously holds my hips tightly as if he’s scared that I’m going to leave him, “He would send his friends to sodomize me and to rape me. I think there were at least three of them. Fortunately for him, I would never bleed which is why I was never able to make my parents notice my injuries. Not like I wanted them to anyway. He would blackmail me saying that if I ever told of this to mom or dad, he would kill them”
I think air abandons my body as the words spill out of his mouth with a crescendo of emotions laced in them. I imagine a four-year-old Blaze being tortured. My hand flies to my mouth thinking about all the dreadful things he must’ve faced.
No child, I repeat, NO CHILD DESERVES THAT!
He looked torn with sadness as the tears keep falling and falling.
“Blaze, you don’t have to-” Before I can say the entire sentence, he cuts me off, “No Phoebe, I need to”
I keep my mouth shut after that as he continues whilst I try my best to not wail in sadness for the man sitting in front of me, “I started being an introvert and would flinch whenever anyone tried to touch me. That is when my mom noticed that I was acting strange and one day she pretended to go to work whilst staying in the mansion. Later on, she witnessed it herself that I was being molested and filmed it as a piece of evidence for using it against my grandfather.
“He was then sent to jail for this after my mother called the police. Dad was fucking enraged and I was institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital for a few months. Luckily for me, my therapist was really nice and helped me overcome my traumatic past. Then after that, Ian was born and suddenly everything in life started falling together. But of course, that didn’t last long.
“The day on Ian’s birthday, Grandpa was released from jail after serving seven years in prison. The first thing he does after getting released was sneaking inside Dad’s study doing God-knows-what. He was about to kill my father if it wasn’t for me tagging along with him to his study. He knocked my father unconscious with a bludgeon and was about to shoot him.
“And all of a sudden, I felt this blinding rage in me, bursting out of nowhere. I wanted to end him, finish him off for destroying my childhood. So I did. I sneaked up behind him and managed to get hold of the bludgeon without his knowledge. The first time I hit him, I think he died from blunt force trauma right then and there. But I didn’t stop; I kept on hitting him until his face was bashed to the point of being unrecognizable.
“I know that nothing can justify what I did. But for God’s sake, I was just a little boy. I was four when he had me raped by his mates. The man who was supposed to my childhood hero turned into my biggest nightmare. I would get so jealous of seeing my friends with their Grandpa, so happy and shits. But for me, that man broke me when I was just a kid. What got me was the fact that I felt no remorse after his death.
“After dad gained his consciousness, he literally pulled me out of the room. Had me change my blood-soaked clothes and promised me that he’ll take of it. The authorities arrived the next day and as much as ashamed I am to admit this, dad made sure that nothing leaked to the outside world.
“The people who knew my Grandfather, they were fucking happy when they learned of his death. They didn’t even care to know what exactly happened to him. Even to this day, I feel guilty. I don’t why, but I do. After all, he was still the man I was supposed to look up to as a child”
After he’s down, he starts crying with his head buried in my chest like a lost boy. Never did I ever in my life ever think that this man was so tormented with his demons. I thought I was the only one but little did I know he was suffering too. I feel myself crying too as I hugged him close to him.
The world we live in is a real cruel place to reside. It’s dark with corrupted humans who soil people’s life. We were both fucked up in the worst possible way, but with us together, I feel like we could get past all this.
My love for Blaze didn’t even falter for a second after I heard him confessing to his crimes and suddenly it all made sense on why he was so driven to punish rapists. Maybe it was a crime to take law into our own hands but when the system fails you, you have to start making your own rules.
I wasn’t promoting this but neither was I disagreeing. Rapists deserve torturous death. So do murders. Maybe we received light punishment for our sins. But for fuck’s sake, Blaze was a minor. He was just a child. How someone can do something so gruesome to a child is beyond me.
If I start debating right and wrong, I know this will never end. So, I decided to focus on the man I love, who's currently busy sobbing.
I’ve seen a very few grown man cry in my entire lifetime. I swear I never imagined Blaze like this – crying inside my arms like a fragile little boy. A part of me feels like he was never able to fully let go of his past. Then again, there’s no cure for mental trauma. It’s the love that fills the robbed part of our lives.
I was determined to chase Blaze’s pain away and to show him how much I love him in the only way I know. Maybe that’s not the best idea but what did I know?
I put life to my thoughts by putting it to action as I kiss him fervently. I think I take him by shock, causing him to gasp and I use this opportunity to slide my tongue inside his mouth. His taste takes me with an unexplained feeling causing tears to cascade down my cheeks with the joy of having him again.
Our tongues do the talking, expressing our love for each other as they stroke each other in the perfect rhythm. His hands roam over my body leisurely, taking me in as if he’s trying to savor me.
Instead of the desperation of quick release that I kind of expected, it’s the absolute opposite. He takes his own sweet time in teasing me, leaving me breathless and panting with desire coursing heavily through my veins.
He buries his face in the crook of my neck and softly flicks the tingling flesh, causing me to moan out loud.
I feel myself drench with need even more than I’ve ever been.
“I love you, Blaze. Nothing in this world can change my mind about what I feel for you. I’ll never stop loving you because I think I’m too far gone to do that” The words tumble out of my mouth in a rush and I feel him pause.
He sits upright on the floor where he was currently sitting with me over his lap. His bewitching light cerulean blue eyes clashes with my dark forest greens as he stares at me. However, it’s different this time. His eyes aren’t dark with lust; instead they are brimming with love because I know that my eyes resemble this look too.
My hold tightens around him on instinct as I lean down to kiss him over his plump lips. His tongue sweeps over my bottom lips before playfully biting on it. My hands tangle into his soft black locks, holding his face close.
The next few minutes pass in a blur as my senses are overcome with yearning. My checkered shirt is unbuttoned with my black lace bra on full display only to be feasted by his hungry lingering gaze. My skirt’s bunched around my hips as he tears my thin lacy panties right to the seams before sinking inside me deliciously.
I arch my back as my body gets covered with goosebumps, throwing my head back. Everything about our fucking is different. Let me correct myself – everything about our love-making felt different.
We rarely made love because most of our time was spent fucking each other to the point of no return.
His eyes were serene. Finally, there was no guard between us. Just two people surrendering to each other. He grabs hold of my hips to continue thrusting himself inside me, causing us both to groan out in unison.
Our lips stay locked with each other in a wordless passion where there’s no domination. I feel my insides spasm around his cock, clasping my inner walls around him like a vice. His face looks slightly flushed with sweat glistening slightly around his forehead and for some reason, I found it extremely hot.
Suddenly he pushes his coffee table with such force, that it skids away a few feet away from us. This momentarily stuns me but my head blanks as he lays me down on my back on the expensive white Persian rug as he proceeds to plunge inside me with agonizing slowness that has me writhing underneath him.
With adrenaline surging through my veins, I pull the thin fabric of his black V-neck t-shirt over his head as he raises his arms to help me and as soon as it’s off, my nails claw his toned back.
He continues thrusting inside me steadily whilst hitting me right in all the right spots. I arch my back, wrapping my legs around him tightly as I feel myself inching towards the precipice. His pace doesn’t fasten but it definitely becomes deep to the point where I feel him hitting my cervix.
Suddenly, my orgasm seizes me powerfully, causing me to shout his name so loud that it bounces off the walls of the penthouse. He grips my hips painfully as he releases himself inside me so hard that it elicits another round of climax out of me, causing me to dig my nails inside his shoulder blades harder, making him yelp in pain.
I think I saw stars on the back of my head as my powerful climax seizes me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this close, so connected to someone (not in a literal sense).
This is us
We might be- correction – We are flawed but together, our flawed pieces intertwine together to complete us.
He balances himself on top of me with his elbows resting on the rug and smiles his cute dimple-kissed smile, causing my insides to melt. Suddenly he frowns and that is when realized that there are tears running down my cheeks.
“Christ Phoebe, did I hurt you?” he grows concerned and I quickly shake my head to reassure him that he didn’t.
My hands reach forward to cup his angelically beautiful face in the edge of my hands and I say, “I love you so much Blaze. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much. I’m afraid that what if I lose myself by loving you so much? It scared me so much that I had no way other than leaving you. It was wrong because this past month made me realize how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry for making you suffer” I say truthfully and watch his face soften.
He lands a sweet chaste kiss on top of my forehead before whispering, “I love you, Phoebe Carter. What you went through in life isn’t your fault. I’ll admit this past month was absolute torture for me. It was hell. There’s no way I’m ever losing you”
There are no many more words we want to say to each other but we both know that for now, this much will suffice.
A/N - I know that it's a lot to take in but I hope you all enjoyed it! I know that many of you might be enraged because of their horrible pasts but I did warn you all from the beginning that this book is a DARK-ROMANCE for a reason.
My characters are flawed because no one is perfect and that they were unfortunate victims of circumstances. This part was really hard for me to write, I'll be honest.
Let me know your thoughts on it!
Also, one last chapter is left before the epilogue! Brace yourself for the drama about to unfold next ;)