My name is James, and I am a fifty-six-year-old widower of three years, father of two, and grandfather of four. My wife Sally, died suddenly of a massive heart attack whilst out shopping. We’d been together since we first set eyes on each other at a mutual friend’s engagement party thirty-six years ago. We dated for a year before I asked her to marry me, and we were married a year later. And within four years we had two beautiful daughters who went on to give us two grandchildren each, three girls and one boy, females seem to dominate our household.
After she died I was lost. The person that I loved most in the world was gone and I had no idea how to carry on without her. It wasn’t meant to happen this way, I was supposed to go first, I’d often joked about it, and made her promise me not to go before me. She knew that I wouldn’t be able to cope without her, yet, she’s gone, and I was left to pick up the pieces.
It took time, and a huge amount of support from my daughters, and my family and friends, but, as they say, life has to go on. I have two wonderful daughters, and four gorgeous grandchildren, who also missed their granny. They aren’t babies, they age from six to ten, so they knew what had happened and it hit them all hard. My daughters were clever, they used them to keep me going, “you have to be strong for the girls, Dad,” my eldest daughter Susan had said. And I was, and, it worked, slowly, life did go on, the world had stopped for a while, but with her help, and that of her sister Claire, they got it moving again.
That first year seemed like it was the longest year of my life, and I never thought that I would come through it, but I did. And, after the anniversary of her death, which was so hard, life, did in fact, go on.
One year turned to two, and then two into three and I began to notice that I was invited out for drinks and around to friends houses for dinner a lot more regularly. It took me some time before I realised that my friends, and family were trying to set me up with someone.
I wasn’t angry, I was surprised, but also, I wasn’t interested. I gently thanked each one of them for what they were trying to do, but I explained that I wasn’t looking for another relationship. I’d had my shot at love, and it was wonderful. I told them that I knew that I could never love again, not like what I had with Sally. It was perfect. I was happy that I’d got to have the time with her that I did, and I didn’t want to fall ‘in-love’ again, because I was still in love with her, and would be for the rest of my life.
They all appreciated what I said and I dismissed their apologies, I knew that they were all doing what they thought was best for me.
I was still invited for dinner and drinks, but without the extra single-woman in attendance. It was at another one of these dinner parties when the suggestion that would change my social life was put to me.
After a wonderful dinner by the hostess, Andrea, I was chatting with her husband Mark about the wonderful food and successful evening. He agreed, his wife was an excellent cook. After some small talk, we found ourselves out in the garden. It was a cool, late-summer evening and we each had a glass in our hand.
“Listen, James. I know you’re not looking to fall in love again, but, you’re not an old guy.” He leaned in close and continued. “ I’m sure that you still have needs, desires, frustrations that need to be released?”
He looked at me, and for a moment I was confused, then I got it. I smiled.
“Oh! You mean sex?” I said.
He nodded. “Yes, man! Sex!”
I laughed. “Of course, but like most single guys I know how to relieve that.” I smiled.
He stared at me.
“What if I told you that there was a website, well, to be honest, there are lots of websites, where the sole purpose is to hook up men and women who want to get together, purely for sex. No strings, no cash involved, just sex, plain and simple?”
I stared at him, I didn’t know if he was serious or not, but he wasn’t finished and continued to explain that he had been online and had a ‘pop-up’ advert come up for such a site, and out of curiosity, he clicked on it and discovered this new world. Where people go to meet like-minded people and have sex.
I dismissed his suggestion, I said that it was probably a con, trying to get your credit card details, or that the women on there were prostitutes. As we returned to the party he slipped a piece of paper into my hand and whispered into my ear for me to check it out. I shook my head, “ I couldn’t, I wouldn’t have the nerve,” I said as we joined the others.
It was a few days later when I went through the pockets of my shirts and trousers before putting a load into the washing machine when I came across the piece of paper that Mark had given me. I stared at it, recalling our conversation and I realised that I must have slipped it into my pocket as we returned to the house. I opened up the folded piece of paper and read his writing. ‘NSFuk.co.uk’
I stared at the writing, then I sighed, and once again, I slipped it into my pocket. I realised what I’d done and with it still in my hand stopped. I was thinking about pulling it out and throwing it in the bin, but something stopped me and I let go and continued with my chores.
Another few days passed and it was the weekend. I was free, no invites, and after a nice quiet day I poured myself a shot of my favourite single-malt whiskey whilst I awaited delivery of my take-away that I had ordered. I don’t know why, but I slipped my hand into my trouser pocket and felt the folded piece of paper, I pulled it out and once again looked at the writing. I glanced at my laptop that was laid on the sofa, I sighed and walked over, sitting down I picked up the laptop and opened it up.
A minute later I was staring at the headline on the homepage of the website, ‘NSFuk - A place for singles who have one thing in common, they want to fuck!’ Over the next few minutes, I scrolled through the opening pages and read how the site worked and was shocked to see the number of people who were registered on the site. I delved further into the site and read many of the profiles of women who had registered.
I got up and poured myself another drink and when I sat down again I took a deep breath and began the registration process which I completed in a few minutes, and uploaded a couple of photos of me for my profile page.
Registering gave me access to more details about the women, but if I wanted to send any messages then I had to pay a fee. When I checked it was only a few pounds a month I signed on for a three-month trial and started my search in earnest. I entered my preferences, my only stipulations were that she had to be single, and ideally, around my age. After a while, I had logged several potential women as favourites but didn’t dare to make contact.
I closed down the computer and sat back. It had taken me three years to get up the confidence to try to put myself out there again. I know that I could never love again, not like I loved Sally, and it wasn’t what I was looking for. But Mark had been right, I missed sex, and as I had scrolled through the photos of some of the women on the site, I realised just how much I had missed it.
With the computer switched off, I stared at the TV, which was muted and closed my eyes. I thought about Sally, we were the classic soul-mates, best friends and lovers, My wife loved me, it took me a few years to realise it, but I seemed to wake up one day and realise that I was her world. She loved me, unconditionally, and it felt amazing to realise that someone could love me as much as she did.
She thought I was the bees-knees, and would regularly embarrass me, telling me that I was gorgeous and sexy. But, even in the best light, I am average looking, a little over-weight and my brown hair is showing signs of greying. The only thing going for me is my package, I am not huge, just over seven inches, but even I must admit, it is thick, and our sex life was fantastic.
I shook my head and looked at my empty glass.
“Time for bed.” I sighed and got up.
I slept late the following morning, the effect of too many whiskeys the night before. After a shower and a cup of strong coffee, I sat in the conservatory and looked out onto the garden. The garden was Sally’s little piece of heaven, she adored pottering around, and in particular, was proud of her fruit bushes in the corner. I smiled, recalling many afternoons watching her picking the raspberries, blackberries and strawberries with the children and then making jam, cakes and iced desserts.
I decided to go out for Sunday lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking and headed out to what was our favourite pub that overlooked the river that flowed by the town before emptying into the North Sea.
Later that evening, before I went up to bed I noticed my laptop on the coffee table and picked it up. I logged onto the website, not expecting to have attracted any attention and was surprised to find that I had received a dozen ‘likes’, eight ‘winks’, and three messages.
My heart-rate increased as I opened the first message from a woman named Nikki. She was a fifty-two-year-old divorcee who lived less than ten miles from me. Her photo showed her smiling and she was very attractive, with short blonde hair. My first thought was, ‘what the hell is someone like her doing on a site like this?’
I read her message, it was a short introductory message, giving me her basic details, her age, height - she was five-foot-three, and her status, a widow. As I read I wondered if this was her first attempt at this or not, but I couldn’t take my eyes from her photo, she was really attractive and I still had trouble accepting that someone like her was on this site. I responded and thanked her for her message and asked her to tell me a little more about her, in return, I gave her a brief outline of my situation.
The next message was from a lady called Helen, she was older, at sixty, but her photo suggested that she had taken care of herself, she looked a few years younger than her age. She was a widow too and was upfront about why she was on the site, she missed sex. I found it sweet that it was also her first time on the site and she wondered if I would be interested in her. I responded positively, and again, asked her to tell me a little more about her, and maybe her likes and dislikes, sexually. I was growing in confidence, and as she had been bold enough to say why she was on here, I could at least appear confident for her.
I opened the final message. It was from a lady called Sarah, and Sarah was much younger than me. She was thirty-six. Again I found myself wondering, this time I wondered what she was doing messaging someone my age. As I read her message, it became clear that she had a thing for older guys. I again responded positively and asked her that same questions that I’d asked the others.
I resisted the urge to check in on the site for the rest of the day, and as I lay in bed that night and I reflected on my day, ‘who’d have thought eh? If today was anything to go by, I might enjoy this site.’