“You woke up? How are you feeling? I will go and call the doctor, to check up on you.”
I had no idea who was talking to me, but the voice sounded worried. I tried to look and after a few seconds of concentration, I managed to notice that she was a nurse, all dressed in her white uniform. The next moment, Rebecca entered the door, like a hurricane. And left the door wide open for the nurse to leave the room.
“Kitty! Thank God you’re all right!” she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw me.
Rebecca was here with me, my best friend. She came to my bed, where I was laying.
That was all I could ask -about my baby. He was the most important for me at this moment. I knew I fell down the stairs, I started to remember. And flashbacks from that moment came back, his voice resounded on my head. And I could hear the scream, my scream when I felt down that stairs.
Hearing this question, Rebecca looked only at the ground. She avoided the eye contact with me, so I knew right away something is wrong.
“Tell me! How is my baby?” I asked once more. I could hardly utter the words.
Then I put my hand on his belly, trying to caress him.
She still did not reply, so I realized that there was nothing good.
“I take this silence as an no. Tell me; God damn it!”
Rebecca’s silence annoyed me, she could say anything, just keep looking at the ground and all the places from the room, except my eyes.
“That’s it! I am calling the nurse!” so, I screamed as loud as I could…
Rebecca tried to stop me and calm me down, as she grabbed me with her hands.
“No, leave me alone! Tell me the truth! “
Tears began to flow, to trickle down my cheek. It was a pain I did not experienced before. Nothing hurt that much, absolutely nothing.
“I am sorry! You feel really bad…”
She could not look me in the face, but I could hear the pain in her voice as well. She was sobbing.
“You mean that...?” the pain torn me apart. It was the truth, nothing I could fix. I was scared, frightened of this new turn up my life took. Still waiting to wake up from this nightmare, and everything can go back to normal.
“I am sorry!” She kept repeating the same words.
The pain that started in my soul had no term of comparison. I lost the man I love and my baby the same day. What could be more painful?
I was lying in that hospital bed, feeling empty inside, I had nothing to make me want to go on, everything I learned to believe was lost. Rebecca was holding my hand, trying to calm me down. And I could not stop crying.
The nurse returned with the doctor, who was holding a chart in his hands. I knew it was my chart, so what else is it to know. I did not care what is happening with me, or if I am sick.
Let it be! I said to myself.
The doctor begun to talk about my health, and the lost of my baby.
“I am sorry to say but the impact was strong, and the fetus couldn’t be saved. It was an early pregnancy. I know that right now this is not in your mind, but you will be able to conceive again with any problem.” And he kept talking, but I was already far away. My mind kept repeating everything. How I walked to his office, the sound of his voice, how he pushed her away, I ran from here, hearing his footsteps, the door to emergency stairs, and then it was all dark.
After a few hours, in which my tears dried, I managed to calm down. Rebecca was with me all this time. She did’ left my sight.
“I’ll ask you something!” I finally said something in that silence that took over the room.
“Sure! Anything you want, I am here, you know that!”
“I don’t want to see him here. Promise me he will not come here!” I could not even pronounce his name; he was the one guilty for everything. He did not even care about the baby, that I was caring his child.
“Enough, enough! Calm down! You will not see him here. I promise!” she assured me, trying to calm her tears, but also mine.
“I have to take my things from him. And where to stay? Doesn’t matter, I will find something.”
“You can stay with me! You will have your room, and I want you to be closer to me!” Becca said without blinking, and as it was already settled.
“I will think about it, please! I want to be alone now! Right now, I am not in a good place!” I asked her to leave, and I asked her not to be mad at me for that, but she also needed her res.
“Okay! I understand, but please do not do anything stupid! Please, call if you need to talk, you have your phone on the nightstand.”
Rebecca left, leaving me alone. I was looking out the window, the sky, and the white clouds at it. And I was thinking how I had everything a day ago and today, nothing. There was a human being inside me growing, and in a second it was gone. I did not even get to know him, to be able to look at him, to smell the baby’s skin. I was squatting on that bed, crying. I was trying to unload myself, to somehow eliminate my suffering. I did not want to think about him anymore, he caused me a lot of suffering, too much for me. Or maybe that was the price I paid for my mistake with Jake.
I also spent the night in that bed. When I finally felt asleep, I had my first nightmare. I watched that scene, with John and his secretary, every time I closed my eyes. I woke up screaming and crying. Two nurses came to calm me down.
And the next three days ware the same.
I recovered quickly, but a few days of hospitalization failed to alleviate the pain I felt in my soul. John did not make his presence felt at the hospital, a sign that Rebecca did her best not to come there. She also took care of bringing my stuff from John’s house.
She and Mike helped me settle into their room. But there was nothing I could do. I did not feel in a state of absolutely anything, even if the physical pain disappeared, the soul pain does not stop to amaze me how strong it is and what scars it will leave me.
I lay in bed for days on end, with the curtain drawn, in total darkness. Rebecca came to bring me food, but hunger was an already forgotten need. I was only thinking, and the only voices I could hear were in my head. Rebecca rarely bothered me, she understood and supported me, she offered me the help I needed. I would thank her later for that and I will be forever grateful to her.
I imagined all kind of story ends, like what it would be like if I gave birth to that baby. How I would have held him in my arms and walked him through the room I wanted to prepare for him. And I could imagine John holding us both in his arms. A happy family, this could have been, but the dream fell apart, the man took off his mask, revealing what kind of man he really is.