I hate that I made her cry tonight but what is even worst was seeing how fast she recovered from it. Like I didn't matter at all. I keep playing it over and over. How she looked broken when she walked away from me to seeing her smiling not even an hour later after I thought she had left. Regardless we both know I can't stay away from her. It's just after 2 am and everyone's thinning out. Kathryn says her goodbyes and I head towards my truck. She pulls out and I leave behind her. All I can think about on the drive to her house is how uncertain I am about every damn thing. I meant what I said but I can't hold my end up. If I could turn it off I would, all the emotions that tie to her or would I? I can't deny that since she's been "mine" in a sense she's made my life so much better. I feel like it has meaning and my mind went from stressing about everything to only thinking of her. I don't know what it will take for me to make a choice but seeing her touch someone else and share that same smile she gives me with anyone else killed me. I completely understand how insane that sounds but it's true.
Pulling up to her house she goes to get out of her car and I quickly meet her at her door. "What the hell was that back there? Are you trying to make me loose my shit in front of everyone?" She just stares at me as if I'm overstepping. She smiles sarcastically and says raising her voice " Hold on one damn second... Let's get one thing straight you do not hold any kind of power over me. I can talk to whoever I want, whenever I want. If I want to walk away from you and ignore you I will. You made it so clear tonight that WE ARE DONE. So be done Nathan I can't take this shit anymore." She turns away from me heading towards the door. I reach out grabbing her arm before I can even stop myself. My mind is trying to put together what I need to say to her. Pulling her into my chest. She's fighting me with everything she has I try to hold her close. "Listen I know what I said tonight. I have totally screwed this up I don't know why I can't get my shit together and just do what I know needs to be done. I either have to ruin my best friends life by telling him I want "his girl" or walk away from you never knowing what we could possibly be. But Kathryn please hear me when I say this." I pause she has stilled and is looking up at me from under her dark lashes waiting to hear what I say next. "I have never done this before. I can't shake this hold you have over me. It would be so much easier if I would have stayed away but I can't truly I have tried like hell. Once I start thinking about you I have to see you and nothing else matters. Once I leave all I think is how awful what I'm doing to Alex. Knowing good and well he loves you with every piece of his heart. I don't know that I'm even capable of that. But I do know that I want your heart beating against mine every chance I get. I don't even want to think about the day i potentially lose you." The look in her eyes lets me know that she believes in me... in us. Whatever this chaos is. After the long silence she finally says "Lets forget about what happened tonight okay? Right now I want you and only you. Maybe that can be enough." I lift her into my arms her lips crashing into mine. I don't want to lose her not now. Realizing we are still outside she says "Lets go inside" I nod and I put her down not letting go of her hand. I don't want to even give her the chance to change her mind.
She unlocks the door, once we are inside my hands are on her again. Picking her up and carrying her to the kitchen sitting her on the counter taking off her top and then mine . She is wearing a sexy little black bra I smile wickedly hoping it was just for me. Place kisses along her collar bone, down her chest. She grabs my hair pulling my head back her lips so close to mine. She says " Oh no. Not tonight. Tonight it's all about you." Tilting my head back I'm turned on to say the least. "What did you have in mind?" she leans down her hair falling to the side of her face her bottom lip slowly caress mine. She continues down my neck to my bare chest leaving a scorching heat behind. "Bedroom... Now" she says against my skin. I lift her up and carry her into the open door putting her down. "Nathan take off your pants." I do as I'm told then I go over and lay on the bed. I watch her as she undresses all but the black lace lingerie set she's wearing. She comes over to me crawling up the length of my naked body until she is straddling me. She places her small hands on my chest. "Lay back and close your eyes" once again I do as I am told. The room goes silent I feel her weight shifting. The next thing I know her perfect mouth is around me entirely. I let out a deep breath "Shit, Kathryn" my hands move to her hair as she continues her slow torture on me. I grab her arms and pull her up to face me. I have to have her now she leans her forehead down to mine and says "Someone is impatient tonight." I quickly snap back " You are damn right. It's been a long week without you." Her lips hovering over mine sliding her hand down to grip me lower herself onto my length. Damn I've needed this, I need her. Her hips going in circles her body always responding to mine. She hasn't moved away from my lips as we breathing each other in, her hands at the back of my neck. Kathryn leans up with the same motion taking me deeper her eyes never leaving mine. I lose myself in her. I want to wrap myself around her as we are both coming down from this high. She's laying beside her her back against my chest our legs intertwined.
I still have some much I want to say to her. I want to tell her why I reacted the way I did last night. Why I don't blow her phone up or call her everyday. Just explain why I'm as screwed up as I am. She has become completely still in my arms, her breathing steady. I lean up to look at her she rolls into me. Her tan skin still glistening in the ray of moonlight coming in the window, dark hair falling behind her back, she is so peaceful when she is sleeping. I stroke her cheek admiring the freckles perfectly placed there and the fullness of her lips. I don't know what it is about Kat that makes me so crazy or what I did to bring out this side of her but I don't ever want it to stop. How could something that feels this good not be what is meant for the both of us. I keep feeling this magnetic pull to her when she's near the more time I spend with her the more I feel it. Its an ache in my chest when she isn't around it only subsides when she's in front of me. Smarting off to me, telling me what I need to hear, just being the her that only I know. DAMN IT... I finally know what all these feelings are and I am so blind that I couldn't see it before.. I'm in love with Kathryn Carter.. I can't be for her sake and mine.