Irrevocably You

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When I wake up I can still feel Nathan's body against mine. I look over at the clock its 7 am. He's still fast asleep laying on his back the covers below his waist. I turn over laying my head on his chest so I can still see his face. He looks so young when he sleeping. He's so handsome it hurts my heart. I can hear his heart beating it's such a powerful sound letting us know we are alive and this is real. Closing my eyes just taking in this moment he didn't leave this time even when he could have like all the times before. Letting my mind replay last night all chaos that is between us and Sarah's questioning eyes when I walked back into the party with Tallon. She should know better he's her brother and I would never. I haven't told her about Nathan. In fact only my sisters and my mom know. I want to trust her with this but I can't risk anyone knowing. He's been opening up to me more and more. Last night I was really going to walk away from him and let him go. What stopped me was his confession and the look in his eyes, he feels the same need that I do. It would be more painful to let him go than to continue being what each other needs. As crazy as it sounds. He slides his warm hand up my back causing me to loose train of thought. He says nothing only pulls me in closer his hand resting in my hair line. We both lay there enjoying the stillness. I jump when I hear my phone ringing in the other room. I get up out of the bed to go find it.

It's on the counter who is calling me this damn early anyways. I pick it up and it's Alex. Why is my life so damn ironic. I send him to voicemail. Suddenly annoyed that he wont let me go even if he's not doing it intentionally. We agreed to be friends but that was before Nathan now this friendship comes with a price. I return to the room Nathan is leaning against the headboard "Who calls someone at 7:30 in the morning anyways?" He laughs. "Your best friend... that's who." His face remains the same in a smile. "Kathryn would you like me to tell him? Cause I can then we won't have our safe space anymore. He will separate us or die trying." I know he's right Alex thinks he can pull me right back in. What he doesn't see is there has been to much time and we have both changed so much since. I respond to him " I know you are right but it would be better coming from you than me. Oh yeah by the way Tallon told me last night that you told him and Jaxson." Leaning up on his elbows he says "When did he say that? Yeah they have known I was with them. They both told me to go for it. I've known them forever they won't say anything." I shoot back instantly. "He told me last night when I went to leave after our argument. He stopped me. I understand that but I haven't even told Sarah. I didn't want to risk it getting out while drunk or in gossip." I take a deep breath pushing myself through this I calmly say "Nathan I think you might have been right, we need to put this behind us. Just let it go before it becomes more than just a physical need for each other. I don't want to keep worrying about him finding out or about what will happen if or when he does." Nathan interrupts me but does not raise his voice "What are you saying? That you don't want to see me anymore? That we wasted time on each other? If you want to cut our ties then that's what we will do. Just tell me Kat tell me what you want." I see the hurt in his eyes but I have to do this for me. Stand up for myself and let this fantasy go. After a few seconds in silence gathering myself I say " I don't think we should see each other at all anymore. I don't think I could take falling for you then losing you." All he says is "Okay". He stands up from the bed dresses himself facing away from me. Puts his shirt on last then leaves without another word not even looking back . Instantly regretting my decision. What did I just do and why in the hell didn't he fight me over it. He fights me over everything lately he just me let go so easy. Was I testing him to see what he would say? See how he would react? I got no reaction at all this had been for nothing.

It's been almost two months since I all but kicked Nathan out. I haven't seen nor heard from him. I've been staying home after work. I haven't even called Chris back, I'm sure he's wondering what is going on with me. I grab my phone and dial his number he picks up on the second ring. "Kat what the hell are you doing? Are you alright? You haven't returned any of mine or Brandon's calls or text." I fill him in on what happened after the party. "Hey forget it we are going to a bar tonight you wanna go?" No I think automatically but instead I agree he tells me to be ready by 10 pm. It's now 8:30 I get myself out of bed and brush my hair I decide to straighten it out instead of my usually mess of curls. I put on some makeup and head to the closet. Slipping on a long sleeve tan fitted dress and some turquoise earrings. Looking myself over I'm ready to go by 9:45. Before I can sit down and let my mind start racing again. My phone chimes it's Alex "hey! We are going to the Halloween party tonight. I wanted to see if you wanted to go. It's at Bar 34." I reply back without even thinking " Going out with Chris and Brandon tonight. I can't." Chris and Brandon come in the house already calling my name. I come out of the bedroom Brandon makes a smart remark. "Damn how many guys you trying to bring home tonight?" I know I look like a stone cold bitch right now I do a twirl and say " Um not one! Let's go before I change my mind." I haven't even asked where we are going and I don't care I have to get him off my mind. We pick up Chris's girl Meredith she's the cutest person ever, I love having her with me tonight! We pull up at the designation and to my surprise it's Bar 34. Hot damn. Here we go again. I refuse to let this ruin my good time maybe they won't come at all.

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