Who Am I
Who am I ..do I appeal to your eye
What is it do you see in me
Can you see I am a little green
Have you seen my falls
Did you notice I have flaws
Am I that obvious
Or am I anonymous
Can you feel my breath when I breath
Have seen the times of me on my knees
Did you hear me shout
Was your attraction
Attracted to my reaction of you
Even though I'm not perfect
I sometimes wonder if I am worth it
Looking for acceptance
But really all I need is to be in your presence
Dear God give me peace.
And give me eyes to see
That my life can be everything I want it to be
Long as I have you
So why am I so blue
..Who am I
I lay in bed with my eyes to the ceiling I put my headphones on to drown out the outside noise.
It's me again I don't come to you like I should and I am sorry for that but first I come to you asking you for forgiveness for any and everything I have said that's not like you; I ask that you clean my heart purify me oh lord create in me a clean and renew with in me a right spirit wash me as white as snow. Lord my heart is heavy so I come to you to empty me I don't ever want to walk around hold grudges and angry because it can kill you and sir I don't want to be depressed because suicide follows so when my back is against the wall I look to you. I feel the anger and resentment of my situation and I refuse to be the victim I can't help but feel stretched. I love my mommy but she needs to heal from past mistakes I can't keep being her trash can she is looking for me to do something only you can do for her and while she is living her life still I can't keep putting mines on pause to please her. But even through everything she has been through thank you for still blessing her even if she can't see what I see you doing for her. Thank you for pushing her out there on her own; when the shop started in a small space she did not see the light because the tunnel was so dark for her but through me you help guide her to be now the most successful black woman in our city she has nothing to want for and that's all solely because of your kick I mean push . But God now that she is good what about me I want to live my life and not in the shadows I mean God I have a whole daddy that I didn't know existed!! And still I am being put in a stage to choose when I can't because my heart feels for both sides I was to know him better but I can't with out being seem that I am betraying the other party. God help me to understand why my life feels like I am at a standstill but I am sorry I am supposed to be grateful right? Happy that I wasn't raped, beat, sex traffic, or worse dead right? And I thank you for protecting me and my siblings but God I can't but feel like I am there for everyone else and no one is there for me. I implode while others explode on me I am a shoulder but who do I lay my shoulder on, who hugs me when I need one who sees me with the smile I force to hold back the tears when I want to just fall apart who is my breath when I can't breathe. Lord I am so sorry to come to you today with all of this I should be happy right I mean hey it is my 25th birthday.
I closed my eye and said my everyday prep "Okay Lily come on let's do this come on Lily get up"
Take my headphones out and immediately I hear the triplets busting down my door screaming happy birthday to me and jump on me and my bed with wet kisses and tight hugs Oh my God sometime I really hate them.
Macy: What we doing today
Nevaeh: Nothing I just to sit home and watch Netflix and eat seafood and cake
Luke: You deserve more than that
Nevaeh: Your sweet my little man
Matthew: But he is right you do a lot for us and we appreciate you so much
Macy: You are our second Mom
Nevaeh: Y'all trying to make me cry right?
Luke: No just telling the truth
I hug them tight and kiss them
Matthew: We saved our chore money to get you something
Macy: I picked it!
Luke: I picked the color!
Matthew: We all did TOGETHER!!!
He said putting Macy and Luke in they're place but Macy excited jingles the little silver and gold bag in my face so I took it to see what it was and it was a beautiful rose gold locket in a form of a heart.
Nevaeh: This is so beautiful you guys
Macy: Open the locket
So I did just to find a picture of me with them when they were at least 2 yrs old; in this picture I was hold Luke while Macy laid Matthew looked over my shoulder.
Nevaeh: This is my favorite picture
Luke: I know. You keep a copy in your top drawer
I looked at him. He is so non- shallot you could not have told me he knew that
Nevaeh: Come here Luke
He crawls up to me I grabbed him and hugged him extra tight; what they don't know about my little I don't care baby is that he comes and lay with me to make sure I am alright after an blow from mom. He doesn't sleep he hears and sees all
Nevaeh: Best gift ever thank you guys
Then my phone rings
Miceal: Happy Birthday Nevaeh
Nevaeh: Thank you
Miceal: I sent you something to your bank hope it's helps you celebrate your day
Nevaeh: So you did that was you 6 months ago
Miceal: Of course but enjoy the added bonus to that
I checked my bank account to find 6,000 more added to what he put in there last time
Miceal: Don't worry it will be monthly now since I am afloat of things now and bills will never be your worry anymore I got that
Nevaeh: I couldn't ask you to do that
Miceal: You didn't so don't bother
With a cracked throat
Nevaeh: Thank you
I said with tears falling
Miceal: I owe you this
Nevaeh: You owe me nothing but your love
Miceal: I have to go now
I will never know what he was feeling on the other side of the phone. I get up go down stairs to greet my mom who was holding a birthday card in her hand
Nia: Happy Birthday my first born
I greeted her with a kiss
Nevaeh: Thank you mom
We all spent the day watching movies, talking, joking, oh and I talk to Golden for hours we caught like we never stopped ; we didn't talk much she is a workaholic but she makes sure to text me when she has time and vice versus. I actually talk to all the Noel's except two Belle' and her mother and last I talked to MJ. Kent punk ass even texted me; I didn't respond.. Jackass. As I got ready to go to bed my phone ranged
Sylvia: Well my Dear you didn't think I would forget your big day
Nevaeh: Mrs. Sylvia how are you I miss you
Sylvia: I miss you more dear I am fine wish you would come back we have a lot to talk about; I came by the diner 6 months ago but you never showed so I left
Nevaeh: Yeah I took some time off
Sylvia: I have a gift for you. It should arrive soon.
Nevaeh: This late?
Sylvia: Why yes. I will talk to you later my dear. Love you
Nevaeh: Love you too.
An hour went by after talking to her I sat in my room looking at the moon and I start to think. I wonder how Hunter is doing I hope all is well with his father. I left the window and ran to my phone. No don't it's your birthday if he wanted to talk to you he should have don't you dare. I tell myself over and over again
Nia: I think you should go downstairs I am turning in for the night
Nia: Just go open the damn door okay
So I put my robe on and head downstairs.
The doorbell ranged ; I opened it and a guy with his face covered walked in with a dozen long stem red roses and another after him with a dozen of long stem roses in pink and they kept coming one after another each with a different color it was a total of 24 and the men in unison said "Happy Birthday Miss Nevaeh" took a bow and left
Nevaeh: Wait a second where is the 25th
And when I turned around there was a 6 foot 5 guy holding the 25th but instead of roses they were Lilies. I gasped when he let the flowers down from over his face
Hunter: Happy Birthday Lilyana
Then he smiled with a star twinkling in his eyes. I ran to him he dropped the flowers quickly catching me in his arms twirling me around and holding on tight
Hunter: God I missed you
Lily: I didn't think I would hear from you
Hunter: I wouldn't have missed this never
I looked down at all the flowers and I looked back at him
Lily: Aren't you quite the charmer
Hunter: Well I had a little help
He said looking toward the staircase where my mom was smiling and winking at him
Lily: Wow we will discuss this later
She giggled going back upstairs
Hunter: I got some gifts for you but first these two are from Mrs. Sylvia and Golden
Mrs. Sylvia got me a yellow patent leather purse by Dooney and Burke and Golden got me an sister bracelet by Alex and Ani with a note letting me know that she has the match. My heart is overwhelmed
Hunter: And this is from me
He hands me a big gold bag; which holds inside a black dress with a touch of yellow and a pair of yellow patent leather pumps and a pair of rose gold diamond earrings.
Nevaeh: Hunter thank you
I said with teary eyes
Hunter: You are more than welcome
He says wiping my falling tear with his thumb
Hunter: You should go put this on with the purse and all this is only the beginning
Lily: Huh do you know what time it is
Hunter: 8:30 pm early bird
Lily: I have to-
Hunter: I made reservations for us
He says with his hand over my mouth
Hunter: So please get dressed. I have something planned
I race upstairs and sizing up the dress he got me to myself; it is so pretty the way it hugs my curves is amazing not to much but just enough it's a heart shaped halter dress with my back out just a little it's knee length dress with touches of yellow dots he got taste I put my locket with my bracelet and earrings changed purses and let my hair out its bun I straighten it earlier today moved it all to my right side then finished my makeup and headed out the door with my shoes in my hand our stairs are made different so it's best to put those on downstairs
As I walk down the stairs Hunter caught a glimpse of my foot and stood up immediately running to the stairs to catch my hand
Lily: I love my dress
Hunter: You look stunning Lilyana
He says kissing my hand; then he leads me to the couch sits me down taking the shoes out my hand he places them on my feet
Lily: You are quite the gentleman
Hunter: Ready to go
We left and the whole ride there was quiet signals with good music play and a side eye at each other with a smile. Then we up at river front
Lily: Where are we going I thought you said we had a reservations at a restaurant
Hunter: We do
Lily: I am sorry but where is the restaurant
Hunter: Lily look further
I squint my eyes and look further to see a yacht
Lily: Oh my God
Hunter smiles while getting out the car he goes in the backseat grabs somethings and then he opens my door and we walk to the yacht which is huge its white with the name Wesalton on it.
Hunter: I brung you a jacket since it can get a little chilly out here
Lily: Thank you. This is beautiful
He smiles. We get to the yacht he helped me on; this is my first time on a yacht
Lily: How did you
Hunter: The owner owed me a favor and when he heard I was bringing company he practically threw it at me
Server: Sir, Ma'am your dinner awaits you
Server: Let me take this for you sir I will set it in your room
Hunter: Thank you
Server: Sir should we head out further
Hunter: Yes please remember what I said
The server looks at me and smiles
Server: Yes sir and Happy Birthday ma'am
Lily: Thank you
Hunter: While they prepare our table and we head out further would you like to see your room
Hunter: This is ours for the night and your mom and Macy packed your overnight bag Macy made sure you had all you needed plus a threatening letter from Matthew and Luke
Lily: My boys
Hunter: Yeah they are funny I like it though
Lily: Yeah okay until you meet them
We laughed he takes my hand and leads me to my room
My room was beyond beautiful rose petals all over my bed candles by the window just lovely
Lily: Where you sleeping
Hunter: The room across the hall
Lily: Can I see
He takes me across the to see him which is very calm with blue light shining from the ceiling on to his bed he is very simple.
Lily: Nice but simple
Hunter: I am easy going
Hunter: If you want to freshen up I will go get started and making sure dinner is well
My room is amazing my bath tub is big and my view of the water lovely so I head out to where I can see Hunter and to see this candle light dinner set up
Lily: This is beautiful
I say to him while he leads me to my seat and scoots me in.
Server: Dinner is served
We ate, we talked.
Hunter: Okay hit me favorite Disney movie
Hunter: Oh come on. I know you know
Lily: Beauty and the Beast
Hunter: Intresting. Why?
Lily: She was a normal girl who just wanted better
Hunter looks at me while he continues to eat
Hunter: I figured that much
We ate some more I looked out into the sea and when I turn back Hunter is staring deeply in my eyes
Hunter: Sometimes I wonder what is going on in that brain of yours
I smiled. Then he got up and walked over to me he kneeled looking in my eyes and he grabs my calf.
Hunter: Do your feet hurt
Lily: Why you ask
Hunter: You women wear those heels and I just know they hurt your feet after a long time
Lily: Yes they do Oh My God!
Hunter looks at me as his hands move down to my foot and oh my God when his thumbs digs into the heel of my feet my back arched and I moaned while squeezing the table cloth; I didn't realize my eyes was closed and I opened them Hunter looked at me with a smirk Hunter looks at me
Hunter: It's ok ; you need this I understand
He says as his thumbs digs deeper into the heel of my feet
Hunter: You have knot. A lot of tension
Hunter: You work too much
Lily: I got to make a living
Hunter: That needs to change
I looked at him waiting on him to laugh but he don't he just stares at me
Hunter: Now come on
Lily: Where we going
Hunter: A better view is awaiting us
He take my hand and bare foot I follow him ; we go to the front of the Yacht where a blanket is laid out and a bottle of red wine and two glasses.
Lily: This view is amazing
I wrapped my arms around him he gripped me back; then he puts me in front of him and his hands went up my neck; then I felt his fingers in the back of my hair
Lily: What are you doing
Hunter: Putting your hair in a ponytail
Damn this feels good and he is so gentle
Lily: Jolly Giant
Lily: Your my Jolly Giant
He pulls me close to him and sniffs my hair
Hunter: Your hair smells good
Lily: Thank you
He takes off his jacket puts it around my shoulder and we sit enjoying the view; silence filled the air and my heart beat was all I could hear.
Lily: Why are you so perfect
Lily: Why are you so perfect
Hunter: I am far from it
Lily: You are different
He looks at me
Lily: Not in a bad way but I mean you being this
Hunter: This What?
He gets up and stand close to the edge of the Yacht ; it's silent again I mean damn good job Lily you had to say something
Lily: If I offended you I am sorry and know this is the best birthday I have had in years and I am glad I ended it with you since you were all I thought about and wanted to hear from and see all day
I walked away.
Hunter: For years I had been just to myself work home and repeat but
Lily: But what
Hunter: Look I don't know how to be what you are use to. What you are getting is genuine don't worry I don't want anything from you but what we already have.
Lily: I know I am not use to a genuine guy sorry normally it is always a catch when everything goes good like this I mean you are a guy a girl dreams of and here you are with me knowing that at the end of the night I won't be in your room I will be in my own and you are okay with that
Hunter: Because I value this relationship you are worth this and more and if I can only have just a moment with you I feel it's worth it
Hunter: Because I see you the real you and that is satisfying enough
Before I knew it he was right in front of me face to face I could feel the heat off his body; he looked at me so deep in my eyes I fell stiff I couldn't move then he licked and bit his bottom lip and I began to melt
Hunter: I have to go, good night Lily
He said walking off.