It was a Tuesday night and although I should have stayed late to work with the new band as they came to the studio for the first time, I didn’t want to miss Nina. She had been invading my dreams and I found myself thinking about her often throughout the day. Ever since our recent talks over dinner or tea, I was hoping to duplicate that time but didn’t want to come on too strong. That was why I left the single flower on her car to tell her I was here for her and watching, but not going and talking to her again. I wanted to give her time.
Our time apart wasn’t all for her but for me as well. I needed to figure some shit out too. She was married once before and would never marry again. Marriage wasn’t the issue, not seeing me the best catch I never felt marrying was in my future anyway but I wondered if her proclamation also served as a warning she didn’t want any relationship?
Then what about Charlie? She didn’t talk about him or would even bring him up when I asked. She avoided talking about him as much as she avoided talking about her family.
Nina said she wasn’t exclusive with Charlie. No, that wasn’t right. She said Charlie wasn’t serious but did it mean she wanted more with him and I might be throwing myself out there to be a pawn for her? Christ, relationships were easier when all I did was fuck them and throw them out of my bed in the morning. With Nina, I felt as though she had just tipped the playing field and I had been benched to watch, unable to make any difference with the outcome.
Quade even knew about Nina. Christ, we weren’t even technically dating and I talked about her like a lovesick puppy. Although I mentioned Charlie, he brushed it off saying it sounded like a buffer in case I turned out to be an asshole, but somehow I thought the guy was real. It surprised me Quade and I had been keeping in touch. He kept me up to date on Jaeger, both how he did in school and how he did physically, and although I told him he didn’t need to, I was secretly grateful. Jaeger wasn’t my child. He would never be my child but I felt a need to know he was doing well.
Quade confided in me that he felt guilty for not being as receptive to Jaeger. Unable to locate this Sydney person yet despite hiring a top-notch detective, he tried to keep optimistic. It sounded a little fishy to me but I kept encouraging him to find her. He needed answers, even if they weren’t the ones he wanted. Was that the same with me and Nina?
Waiting for her at her car with a single white rose in my hand, I still haven’t found out her favorite color, so I went with a more elegant white. Her co-workers left already but there were a few people coming and going and I hoped she wouldn’t be embarrassed by my show of affection since we weren’t even an item.
When she came out of the employee entrance a good fifty yards away, I could tell by the way she walked she had a bad shift. Her body language told me more than she realized and right now she pounded the pavement with a fierceness that emanated from her. She had her phone out texting someone and I couldn’t help but want to blast her for it. She should be paying attention to her surroundings, and usually she was vigilant about it, but tonight she stayed in her own world and I was glad I didn’t choose this night to rely on Quincy.
When she looked up and noticed me standing by her car I saw the deep furrows of hurt in her forehead. The way she looked right now, all wound up, made her eyes wild with aggressiveness, and my heart went out to her. She couldn’t relay any of the crap she dealt with on her job to me but I wished she could. She had no one else to talk to as she never went out with her co-workers and besides Charlie, she hadn’t mentioned anyone else. Maybe Charlie was her confidant? If so, he was doing a shitty job.
A look of surprise adorned her face as she searched around to see if any of her other co-workers noticed. Dressed in a light linen black jacket, she wore a brown blouse underneath with tan pants. She looked sophisticated and so beautiful even with the scowl on her face but her eyes gave me the most worry. There was something in them I just couldn’t place and it concerned me. The way she darted around not meeting my gaze was not her.
She shut down her phone placing it in her purse and made her way over to me. Her green-brown eyes had a sheen to them, and the light of the street lights illuminated her auburn hair to a halo around her head. “Mr. Harries?” She looked around but there wasn’t anyone that seemed to care we were talking.
“You had a bad day.” A small crack formed in her armor as her face softened some but the deep furrow remained unsightly on her forehead.
Unable to face me she turned to the lowering sun. “Not every day is a walk in the park. I knew that when I signed up for the job.” She started pacing and it was so unlike her. Normally she was so composed and calculated but right now she looked as though she could go off at a moment’s notice.
“What do you need?” At the mention of it, her eyes lit up and then quickly dulled again. She had a need but didn’t want to tell me. Knowing I was on the right track I just needed to get her to trust me. “Anything. I want to help.”
Nina fumed as she shook her head and continued pacing. “Change the government, change bureaucracy, change the god damn hospital and the people who come here.” Her voice got higher, and she caught herself, looking around again as her breathing came faster.
I shook my head, “You know I can’t do anything about them. What can I do for you?” Hell, at this point I would do anything. I hated seeing her looking like this.
She stopped in front of me contemplating giving in to me. She knew what she needed but didn’t think I could deliver. Close to begging, I pleaded, “Please.”
Nearly snarling, she looked down at her car, and when she returned my gaze her eyes were cold. I had never seen them that color and it made it difficult to gauge her mood. Searching my face for my sincerity I didn’t let my gaze falter. Nodding, she finally talked, “Take me to your house.” Tossing me her keys she walked around her car to the passenger’s side opening the door and I took it as my cue to drive her car to my house.
As I eased out of the parking lot, I tried to engage her in conversation. “Can you tell me about it?”
She stared out the window with her arms around her small frame almost as if trying to make herself smaller. “No.” Her voice broke, and she turned further to hide her face. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just kept driving the route to my house hoping that getting some distance between her and the hospital might make a difference.
When we pulled into my driveway I turned off the engine and faced her, “Nina, would you like me to get you something to eat?” I had no clue what we were doing here but I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible and kept nothing a vegan physician would find remotely appealing.
“I’m not hungry.” Without sparing me a glance she got out of the car, slamming the door, and walked up to my front steps.
I was so fucking nervous as I climbed the front steps to my door and used my key to open it. I wanted to help. To be the person she needed and the person she could turn to, but I kept thinking I was just going to fuck it up. Once inside she glanced around the sparse living room as I turned on a light. At least with my hyperactive personality, I normally kept the house clean.
Taking off her jacket she seemed to have calmed some but still had an intense look about her. Throwing her jacket across the back of my couch she walked through the living room and down the hall still clutching her purse. I closed the front door and followed her thinking she must be looking for the bathroom. Instead, I watched as she went into my bedroom and to the left out of my sight. The small bedside light threw out a small amount of illumination.
When I made my way in she stood at the side of my bed with her shoes off and started to unbutton her blouse. “Nina?” When she pulled open her shirt I eyed her black lace bra and swallowed closing the gap without realizing my legs still worked. “Nina, you don’t have to...”
“You said you wanted to help. This will help. Or don’t you want to help me anymore?” Shit, I wanted this more than anything but something about the way she appeared tonight bothered me.
“Well? If you want to fuck me, you have way too many clothes on. Don’t be so taciturn.” The last sentence clued me in. And just like that, her wall went up.
It made me understand why she used the big words. It may or may not be to make the person feel stupid but it was for sure a protection feature. A way she built up a wall to separate herself from people when the talk became too personal or threatening. She had her defenses up now. I hovered at a crossroad. She told me plainly what she needed but did she even know what she wanted?
Her shirt came off, and she was working at her pants before I even knew if I was going to grant her request. Unable to remove a stitch of clothes until I could gauge her mindset, she stood before me in her underwear and bra looking so beautiful I swore my breathing came to a halt and all blood flow went to the erection growing wildly in my pants. The perfect, flawless skin of her face matched her body. A flush graced her chest and played over the small mounds of her breasts peeking over the top of her bra. She had an amazingly shaped flat stomach with perfect hips and strong legs. Making my way back to soak in her body again I noticed a small smattering of freckles on each of her shoulders that just added to her perfection.
After removing her bra she threw it on the pile of her clothes on the ground and noticed I stood frozen to the floor. “What!?” Her eyes were wild and with a faraway look in them. I didn’t think she was here in the room with me at all, but I was overcome by her beauty.
Stammering I replied, “You... you are so beautiful.” She stared at me and I saw her internal struggle. Overcoming my petrified state, I walked over to her and put my hands on her shoulders. “You are so lovely.” She leaned her head on the crook of my neck and I felt her swallow deeply as she hid a small tremble.
“You said you would help me. I need to forget. I need sex.” Pulling her back by her shoulders, I could see the longing in her face. She displayed a fear as well and I just want to quell it. She should never fear telling me what she needed but was this really it?
“Are you sure?” She nodded and I went in for a kiss.
Backing away from me she shook her head, “I don’t kiss on the lips.”
Trying to make a joke, I smiled, “Too many germs, doc?”
She didn’t smile, “Too intimate.”
Breaking her gaze from mine she finished pulling my shirt over my head and started on my pants. Her statement made it hard for me to concentrate. ‘Too intimate.’ This was just sex to her. Nothing personal, just fucking. Why did it pain me to hear her say it? It wasn’t as if it hadn’t been a huge part of my life before. Fuck and forget them, but out of all the women I have met she was never in my sights to fuck and leave, and now I was standing here telling her I could be what she needed, not knowing if I could deliver.
As she worked my pants down, I slipped my shoes off still having a million thoughts at once circulate in my head. One popped out first, “I don’t have condoms here.” She faltered on her task as she looked at me trying to decide if she heard me right.
“I have some.” Turning her back to me she rummaged in her purse. Now fully naked and harder than I thought possible, I came up behind her and kissed her neck. She stiffened at first and then I was relieved to feel her body soften under my lips. She tasted like citrus with a light musk that fired in my nose and aroused me further.
Nina was a conundrum, an enigma I wanted to figure out. I wanted to help her, so I took her hand and led her to the bed to lay down. I kept her gaze as I first slid my hand down the sides of her careful to avoid her breasts. Next, I lightly touched the soft skin of her chest before stimulating her breasts. She sucked in her breath and her nipples harden to my touch. My hands lightly brushed the rest of her body caressing her as if she might break from too much pressure. I reached her panties and slowly slid them off as I watched her hike her hips giving me permission to go on. Once naked I just look down upon her, “Beautiful.”
Breaking our gaze Nina had a hard time looking me in the eyes. She swallowed deeply and then looked over at the light. Taking the hint I turned off the lamp and settled above her in the bed. She pushed the condom in my hand but I didn’t want this to go any further without me exciting her body. Knowing I couldn’t kiss the one area I have wanted to since the moment I saw her, I started to kiss her neck. She liked it. At least I thought she did as I realized I didn’t know too much about her but this was new territory. I felt her sigh and soften, and when my hand went up to cup her small breasts I felt her stiffen yet again, but this time it wasn’t from tension. She had sensitive breasts and I felt a slight tremble with every caress of her nipple. My mouth traveled down to her nipples as I licked and sucked on her right one before favoring her left. Her soft moan caused my dick to swell further and I even enjoyed the way her fingers dug into my shoulders.
Suddenly she tensed again and pushed me away, so unlike what we were doing it jarred me. “JJ just put it in me.” What happened? She was enjoying what I did to her but for some reason she wanted this over with? I wanted to work her body more but I didn’t want to disappoint her either.
Opening the condom my fingers were a little shaky and I almost laughed. How many times have I done this in the past and yet now I was nervous. I sensed the difference though as this time I was with someone I cared about and it kept the self-doubt in the forefront of my mind.
Rolling on the condom I made sure it was secure. I reached out for her smoothing my hands down her taut stomach and cupping her sex. Relieved she was wet I knew I wanted this but I felt it wasn’t necessarily what her mind wanted. The mixed messages screwed with me but as I pushed a finger deep inside her and felt her tighten around me, I knew she was ready for me. With each plunge of my finger deep inside her she lifted her hips and I wanted so bad to work her to climax, but she stopped me. “No, just... just put it in me.” She was close. Why did she stop me? Why did I have so much uncertainty?
Giving in I lined up with her entrance and slowly plunged deep inside and the heat and feel of her silkiness touched something just as deep inside of me. As I lay buried to the hilt, my head rested in the crook of her neck with relief. This felt like heaven. The feel of her. The softness of her body and I finally knew what I was missing all along. The knowledge of how sex could be so different with someone you cared about.
Nina moaned as I slid into place and I couldn’t remember a better sound. As I went to caress her sensitive breasts again she grabbed my hand to stop me. “No. I don’t need pleasure. I want it hard and I want it deep. Make it... make it hurt.” It wasn’t what she said as much as how she said it. She wasn’t lost in a lust-filled haze. Her voice cracked with a silent plea as she said it. Not for it to be a fuckfest but something else. Something that made me want to go against her request.
“No Nina. I can’t hurt you. Just let me pleasure you.” Reluctantly she let go of my hand and I traveled it back up to gently cup her breast as my thumb stroked her nipples. I kissed and sucked down her upper body to find her fully relax into my touch. Glad my challenge to her commands paid off, I slowly stroked myself inside of her and let my hand drift down between us to feel her stiff clit. I wanted her to feel pleasure only. More so than I wanted pleasure for myself. She should only have pleasure not some mindless power fucking to make her forget.
Breathing heavy, we both climbed the hill to ecstasy. The power needed to stave off my own orgasm left me sweaty and almost to the point of pain but it would be worth it. She met my thrusts and arched her back with the stroking of her clit close to falling over the edge. I shifted her one leg to the side and pushed just a little further on the upswing, and she let out a cry of pleasure so intense I almost came from hearing it. Her body did amazing things underneath me as I continued plunging inside her. Her hot smooth skin turned to what felt like goosebumps underneath me, and she clung to me pulling me in close as her body shuddered around me. A deep groan and then a soft “Jay” seeped from her lips and I felt her contractions fisting my cock. Unable to hold back I met her throbbing with my own and buried my head in her shoulder.
Our chests worked in tandem as we tried to slow our breathing. The fingers digging in my shoulders softened as her arm fell to the side. I worked my hand down to my dick and held the condom as I removed myself from her reluctantly. Quickly I took it off and disposed of it in the wastebasket by my bed. After she started to squirm underneath me, I went to the middle of the bed and it gave her enough room to get up. Disappointed and feeling like a little pussy, I couldn’t stand the thought of me being just another fuck to her. It didn’t escape me I made hundreds of women feel the same way in my past.
“No. Please. Stay for a little while.” Maybe it was the desperation in my voice or the simple request of her staying if only for a minute, but she made her way back by my side. I turned to her and enclosed her in my arms with her back to my front. Both of us still slick with sweat and hot from the friction we caused.
“I... I can’t stay long I have to work tomorrow.”
“I know.” With that, she started to chuckle.
“Yeah, I guess you do.” It broke some of the tension and was enough to settle us.
“Are you feeling better?” I had to ask, needing to know the answer. Did I do the right thing?
She made me wait before she replied, “Yes. I think I do.” Relieved I kissed her shoulder and held her without breaking the silence.
We laid in the darkness both lost in our own thoughts. It was only when I felt the rhythm of her breathing as a constant motion I realized she was sleeping. She stayed here with me but for how long? She was ready to bolt as soon as the sex was done and wouldn’t let me kiss her. I went against her wishes within the act of sex itself. Would this be the end? Was this a one and done thing where I just blew any chance I had with her? With no easy answer, I decided to enjoy this moment thinking it could be my last. It didn’t surprise me that I already knew how much it would hurt.
Awoken by her jostling, she scrambled up and away from me as I glanced at the clock and tried to clear my sleep laden brain. Close to four in the morning, I listened to her fumbling around in the dark as I went to turn on the lamp. Once the light cast a harsh glow on her I already noticed her dressed in her bra and underwear.
“I slept here? I fell asleep?” Not sure if it was a question or a statement, I kept quiet and watched her dress to leave me already missing the comfort of her by me. “I slept longer than I usually do.” That statement shocked me. How much sleep did she normally get? I found myself hating her job for yet another reason.
“Do you need me to drive you?” Knowing I wouldn’t be able to get her to stay I tried to think of the next best thing. I hated how she frantically dressed to get away from me and fought with myself not to beg her to stay with me.
“No, I am fine to drive.” She had her pants on by now and I stood to put on my own pants after I located them on the floor. I should have had at least a chair in here to put her clothes on last night. She shouldn’t leave with clothes that were wrinkled and laying on the floor.
With her shirt half-buttoned she grabbed her shoes and purse and made her way to the living room. Once my pants were buttoned, I joined her. “Would you like something to eat? Some coffee?” I didn’t want her to go but to come out and ask her to stay would be torture as I already knew she would turn me down.
“No, I have to get home to change and shower.” With it being three hours before her shift I felt it was an excuse, and she was leaving for other reasons. Watching her scramble quickly to put her shoes on nearly killed me. Grabbing her jacket she finally realized we both came in one car. “Um... do you need a ride?” I could tell she didn’t want to give me a lift and it hurt a little. This was just sex. This wasn’t anything special to her. It didn’t escape me this was the same thing I did to hundreds of girls early on without batting an eye. Fucking karma.
“Don’t worry. I will get a ride.” The relief on her face was hard to take and as she made her way to the front door I cracked. Knowing it was a bad idea I went to her and put my arms around her. She faced the street and the cool night air blew over us as I hugged her from behind. The exact position we were in less than ten minutes ago while she slept in my arms. Although stiff in my embrace, I couldn’t let go. The pain of never seeing her again would tear me apart. Not saying anything I continued to hold her while waiting for a sign.
The sign was subtle but I felt it. She sighed and softened into me allowing me to hold her. Tears stung my eyes as I sighed back into her hair.
“I... I need to go.”
Loosening my grip, I couldn’t help but ask, “Can I make sure you get to your car okay after work tonight?” Not to talk, not to see each other, not to make love again, just to make sure she was safe. A small gesture to know if I was still invited back into her life.
“Yes.” Nothing more than that but it was enough. I let her go, and she didn’t meet my gaze at all as she got into her car and left me. As I watched her taillights go out of sight, I wondered if this really was the end.