Charlie was still laughing as I stood naked in the doorway of my bedroom watching the best thing to happen in my life walk out the door. My eyes stung with tears but I knew they would never fall. Disappointment and emptiness filled me with dread as I realized I had hit a new low.
Turning toward Charlie I watched as she got out of bed and made her way over to me. “Baby you can’t tell me that you are disappointed. This just shows he isn’t like us. He will never be like us.”
With my frustration building, I lashed out, “What do you mean like us? Because he couldn’t hurt me? What we do isn’t normal.”
She touched my face with her manicured finger, “It might not be normal but it is what you need. You even asked him, and he couldn’t deliver.” My eyes went down to the floor to avoid hers as I tried to think about this.
What exactly did I need? Charlie? I haven’t needed her for the last several weeks. Not once when I was with JJ did I even think of her and what she could do for me, even when I had a bad day. It didn’t make for a good argument to keep her in my life.
I knew this wasn’t a good idea but when Charlie told me she went to talk to him and how he came on to her wanting to be part of it, I guess I caved in. JJ had sex with more than one woman in the past and if he wanted it again, I couldn’t stop him. But he sure didn’t act that way. In fact, he looked a little flustered with the whole situation but the marks on my back came as a shock to him. “Charlie what we have isn’t normal. This isn’t normal.”
She shrugged and walked around me to stand behind me. “It is what we do.” She pressed her naked breasts against my back where my welts were and I hissed at the pain. “You need the pain and I need to give it. That to me is a match made in heaven.” She talked in my ear and rubbed her breasts in my back making the sensitive skin tense with pain.
If this was a match made in heaven why did it make me feel bad? Why did I hate every time I caved in and called her and even hated myself more after she left? If this was heaven why did I feel the need to lie to people about her and make like she didn’t exist? If this was heaven, then I would rather stay in hell with JJ. He made me feel as if I were someone special. He swept away all my hurt when it was a bad day. He made me laugh and I always looked forward to seeing him. I even started to tell people about him at work.
What Charlie did for me was a thing of the past. With JJ, I didn’t need it and never wanted to do it anymore. I felt strong enough to cut the ties. This time when Charlie wove her fingers in my hair and tugged I felt repulsed. When we started it was a way of forgetting my shitty life but now I realized my life with her proved the shitty one I wanted to end. Her fingernails scratched at the welts on my back. When she moved it around to mark my front, I grabbed it. “Charlie no!”
“What do you mean no? It’s too early to be tired.”
“This isn’t because I am tired. I don’t want this anymore.” She looked at me in surprise as if I was the first person to ever say no to her.
“You’re not waiting for him to come back, are you? He didn’t look like he wanted to join us anymore.” When I let my eyes drift shut in an emotional pain of the truth of that statement she just laughed, “You love him? Seriously? That womanizing drug addict?”
Rage flowed through me as I spit out, “Look at the pot calling the kettle black.” My outburst made the smile fall off her face.
“Are you going to tell me that when life gets too bad, when the idea of you frolicking around in sunshine and happiness fades, that you won't need me to get you out of it? Do you really think it will block all of your pain? That is bullshit and you know it.”
I shook my head, “I don’t care. I don’t care if I crumble and die. It would be worth it not to put up with the repulsion I feel when I am with you. I don’t need you anymore.” The fire in her eyes burned only slightly brighter than the redness of her face. Looking around the room she started to put on clothes and throw her stuff in her suitcase.
“You will be sorry. You will be calling me again and this time you will need to beg me to come back. And... and... if I do, you will think what I have done earlier to you was child’s play.”
“Don’t worry. You won’t hear from me again.” I said it so she would know it was true. Regardless if I didn’t get to spend one more minute with JJ, she wouldn’t be back in my life to destroy it anymore.
She dressed quickly and I watched her leave. Once the door shut I couldn’t help but feel relieved, as if a big weight was removed from my shoulders. That was until I remembered the look on JJ’s face. What have I done? I messed up so much. Not only for myself but now for a guy who had done so much to pull himself out of his own hole in the ground. And he thought I had my shit together? Well, now he knew how closely I teetered on the edge.
I had an urge to call him. An urge to go to him to explain but I felt I would be doing both of us a disservice. JJ deserved a woman who could help him with his struggles. It was pretty evident it couldn’t be me. I had been hiding behind Charlie for too long. I let her punish me as a way of dealing with the pain of life and I needed it to stop. It was about time for me to get my shit together. No more hiding. No, I needed to face it head-on. Not that I would ever expect JJ to be waiting. No, I already severed those ties but it shouldn’t matter. I would start living a better life and hoped JJ found what he needed in the arms of another. One who could only be good for him.