The emergency department was crazy yet again. Only being here for a little over five months I couldn’t get accustomed to the number of people to come through those doors. Never a slow night, I almost loathed walking in each time but I fucked things up and this was my way of crawling out of the hole I dug for myself.
Dr. Snap. That was the pet name given to me by Edward. Dr. O’Malley to be exact. Head of the surgical department and egotistical maniac at the hospital. He gave me the nickname after I turned him down for a conjugal visit in the doctor's lounge. Not only did his mannerisms turn me off but the fact he had a wife. And then he had the gall to give me the nickname of Dr. Snap. I know the connotation and even smiled when I overheard the other staff members call me it. Knowing I was here to work and not make friends anyway, I didn’t care as I also didn’t want to take the time to get too close to anyone ever again.
As a female physician, especially working in a bustling Los Angles emergency department I needed to be more bite and less bark. People needed to take me seriously. Patients depend on me to help them, to save their lives regardless of the reason. Regardless if I had been on my feet twelve hours straight. Regardless if my stomach was eating itself from the absence of nourishment and energy by the end of the night and the fact my bladder felt about to explode from the lack of bathroom time.
It would all be worth it if I could find one person to actually want my help. Yes, there were the emergent chest pains and yes, there were the people in pain from a broken bone or raging appendicitis, but even they yelled their demands at me treating me and my staff as second rate. Complaining about not enough pain medicine or having to wait to be seen despite more critical patients being admitted before them. Even those I could handle, but the others drained me. The ones that ruined any glimmer of hope for humanity.
The drug seekers here were ten times worse than at my old hospital. They had every allergy under the sun except to that one medication that starts with hydro- and ends with, oh I think it was -morphone. They understood exactly what they asked for and screamed in horror when I denied them. No matter how many times they called me bitch and spit on me I would never cave. It was just sad mostly. I have seen the unimaginable here. The lowest of the low. The ones to put themselves first before the safety of their kids. The mothers that let their boyfriends hurt their children. Sexual deviants who focused on children. Gang members shooting gang members and it all came down to kids killing kids. I thought the world went mad and I kept crossing off the days until my contract finished. One year and seven months to go. Day by day I got closer to leaving.
The sirens screamed in from the ambulance garage, and they weren’t the only ones screaming. Just minutes until the end of my shift and I could go home but I knew I needed to take this last case. The nurses called me into the room, but I was not prepared to see the sight before my eyes. He was so little. Just barely four years old from the look of it, and he had lines and tubes already in his pale body as the EMTs worked hard to save him. My heart sank and everyone looked up at me hopeful when I entered to stand beside them. Keep it together, Nina. They all looked to me for direction and this was my job. At least for another year and seven months.
I yelled to get him on the monitor as I took report from the EMTs. Four-year-old unresponsive boy found in housing projects surrounded by an unknown powder substance. EMTs called but there was no one on the scene but a neighbor when they got there. CPR progressed and I watched as his little body was squeezed to promote air to be forced into his lungs. I called for medications. An IV drip of Narcan and medications to give his heart rhythm, but he already turned a sickening shade of blue. The monitor indicated no heart rhythm and I couldn’t feel a pulse. We shocked him as a last resort because no one wanted to give up on a child. I hated watching his little body jump on the table but I couldn’t call his time of death yet. I knew he was dead. The whole room knew, but they looked at me for a miracle I couldn’t give and I cursed out in a fit. I asked for a relative, parents, friends, the fucking neighbor but no one came to be with this child. No one came for fear of being arrested. Instead of holding their son as he died, they chose to let him die alone to make sure they could get their next hit. My heart seized up and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I kicked an instrument tray and it flew across the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and we all looked down at the child lying still.
I called the code and the time of death.
Still shaking after all my reports were completed I knew what I had to do. I knew what would take the edge off and get my mind off my crappy night. It helped but only for a little while and I hated giving in to my addiction, my only way of coping. It was wrong, but I was unable to stop myself.
Getting out of my car at the bar three towns over so no one would recognize me, I stopped when I saw that this establishment had no line outside as I needed this to be quick. It wasn’t too late yet and I just wanted to do this and go home and forget for a while. This bar looked just like all the rest and it guaranteed me an easy time getting what I needed.
Walking up to the door the bouncer looked over my attire. Not necessarily dressed for a night out on the town, he let me in any way. Dressed in slacks and a blouse I felt a little out of place and hated the fact I probably stood out and it wouldn’t let me blend in as I wanted.
I scanned the crowd from my place at the bar but didn’t see a lot of hopefuls. Ordering a white soda, the bartender harrumphed at my drink of choice but I didn’t drink alcohol anymore. As I picked up my soda and walked away I spotted the group of guys to make my trip here worth coming. They all wore cowboy hats even though the music had a techno vibe to it. They seemed like a party bunch and one guy, in particular, stood out in the crowd. Not necessarily good-looking, but he had a big muscular body that would serve my need. Pulling the waitress to the side I pointed out the one that should be the easiest and bought him a drink, tap beer of course as he looked young and didn’t have a taste for anything but cheap at this point.
By the time the waitress came back to the bar, he sauntered up to me smirking. He stood about six foot one or two and had a huge broad chest to carry all his muscles. The guy must work out for hours at a time. The size of these muscles just didn’t come naturally. Normally I wasn’t into muscle-bound Neanderthals but teetered more on edge tonight as I pushed my boundaries. With brown chestnut hair and brown eyes, he looked pleasing enough, and really it didn’t matter as I was out of time.
“Well hello. It was awfully nice of you to buy me a drink.”
I didn’t feel like playing the old song and dance routine but felt I should at least walk the walk for a while. “Hello, handsome. Are you from around here?” I needed to know if he lived close since I never took them to my house, no matter my level of desperation. It was bad enough Charlie knew where I lived but that was a special situation I only reserved for extenuating circumstances and I tried really hard to sever those ties.
“No ma’am. I am from Oklahoma just in visiting your fair state and looking for some fun.” Between the ma’am and hiking his eyes, I didn’t know which one I would rather slap him for, but him being from out of town was a bonus.
“How interesting! Where are you staying?” I sounded so fake to myself I cringed as the words came out of my mouth. This better be a huge payout.
“Ah, I am staying at the hotel across the street.” Bingo, my eyes lit up and I started to breathe a little heavier with the anticipation becoming more real. Now, to seal the deal.
I never thought of myself as much of a looker. My first husband married me because his family expected him to settle down with a ‘nice, respectable’ woman. There was never any heat or lust although I never thought he strayed from our bed. Even though we had a comfortable life, I always thought he treated me like I was second best. His career came first and when men would flirt with me, he never batted an eye. I told myself it was because he trusted me, but really maybe he didn’t care. It led me to believe most men flirted with me as they saw a woman of power or money instead of beauty.
I kept myself healthy and tried to walk or jog on my days off. As my age crept up to forty, it would only help to keep up a fitness routine. I didn’t fear getting old or fear growing old alone, I just feared never feeling right. My years of being with the wrong man proved it. I wasted so much time on a person I thought was someone else. No, I didn’t have a problem with my aging. Except when you were looking at a young twenty-year-old in the face, and he kept calling you ma’am.
“Really. I can’t believe that you are not from around here. You seem so worldly.” And quite the country hick. He smiled with the fake compliment.
“Would you like to come back and meet my friends? I could buy you a drink.” He must be a little thick in the head if he didn’t understand the fact I threw myself at him.
Instead, I smiled and made it more obvious as I leaned in at him and ruffled my fingers through the chest hair sticking out of his shirt. “I was thinking more on the lines of having a little one on one fun like you said you were looking for.”
His brown eyes widened and he swallowed deeply. Looking back at his friends, I waited for his response. “Ah... you aren’t a hooker now, are you? You have to tell me if you are and then you can’t bust me if you are a cop.”
For fuck’s sake did I have to pick the least intelligent guy in the bar? “No, I just saw a good-looking guy and thought I would take a chance.”
He took one more look at his friends, and they gave him the thumbs up. It was so nice to know the whole jury favored our union. Unable to contain my sarcastic nature I lead in with, “You are not trying to be dilatory, now are you?”
He shook his head, “No ma’am. I wasn’t.” Yep, the idiot didn’t have a clue what I said. His dick better be worth it.
Before I had a chance to back out of fucking a stone statue that probably only had a three-inch dick, I let him follow me out the front door and walk across to the hotel. I walked ahead of him and let him stare at my ass as he gave me directions up to his room. With the promise of sex, most men thought with their little head instead of the one with the brain in it, so I had to ask for the directions more than once before he answered me.
We got up to the sixth floor after he held the door to the elevator. I nervously squeezed my damp hands as I contemplated whether to go through with this. I took too many chances recently. Although I thought this one would be cut and dry, I knew I should stop doing it to myself. But then I thought of that little four-year-old lying dead in our morgue and sighed. This would be my last time, I hoped.
As soon as I shuffled through the door I threw my purse on the bed and started to remove my shirt. No need to waste time as I wanted this done and over with so I could go home and hopefully get some sleep knowing I had another full twelve-hour shift to do again tomorrow.
He came up behind me, “Hey, I really like it here in California.”
I turned around and covered his mouth with my hand. “You know what really turns me on? Trying to be real quiet during sex so we can concentrate on how good it feels.” Nodding slowly he followed suit and I tried to show him how much him shutting the fuck up would excite me. At least I didn’t need to lie about that part.
He went to kiss me and I turned my head, “Sorry, I don’t kiss on the lips. I am sure that your mouth could be used in other areas.” Taking off my bra, he started to fondle my breasts. Even though I was not caring at all in this equation whether I got worked up or not, I let him grope my small little nubs. They were only a half size bigger than an A cup, small but very sensitive. I was not given an adequate amount at all in genetics but it didn’t bother me in the least. Large breasted woman had issues with upper back pain and denser tissue. Being a physician, I could appreciate the biology behind it but really somedays I would like to have a man look at me with lust for once. The lust of being a perfectly shaped hourglass woman but at my age, I sensed my ship had sailed.
“Your little titties are pretty sensitive,” Einstein spoke again. He didn’t seem to understand what he was here for and I let my frustration get the better of me. Breaking free from him I turned around to undo my pants. I didn’t even care if his clothes came off as long as one item of his came out to play. Letting my pants and underwear fall, I bent over and placed my hands on his hotel bed looking back at him giving him full view of my naked backside. He smiled and slowly removed his pants letting them fall to the floor in a way he thought was sexy but I couldn’t help wanting this whole thing over with already.
Before he had a chance to go any further, I reached in my purse and pulled out a condom, “Here you go, cowboy. Don’t make me wait.” He took it from me with a grunt and I watched carefully as he put it on making sure he did it correctly. My little addiction was dangerous enough with having sex with a stranger but I wouldn’t take any more chances than I felt was necessary. Unfortunately, I thought his muscle building techniques included some sort of steroid hybrid as he didn’t look as well-endowed between the legs. Either way, it wouldn’t make or break what I needed him for.
Laying his large hands on my ass he squeezed them while I shook it for him to rev his motor. I cooed, “Don’t leave me hanging baby.” Even my fake baby doll talk made me nauseous at this point but it seemed to be working for him.
“Let me just lick you a little darling to make sure you are ready.”
“No!” It came out a little more forceful than I intended but I wasn’t letting his mouth anywhere near my vagina. “No, that won’t be necessary. I am ready for you.”
He inserted a finger inside me and hesitated, “Are you sure? You don’t feel ready.”
It was part of the plan, but he wouldn’t understand, “No baby. Believe me, I am ready for you.”
Deciding he didn’t care either he placed his less than long penis at my opening. I grabbed the sheets and waited for him to enter me. “Are you sure?”
With my patience slipping I turned around at him with a scowl, “Just stick it in already.” Stunned at my forward nature he did as instructed and pierced me with his cock. White heat pain surfaced and I hid a whimper. He was right. I wasn’t ready but I really didn’t want to be and now gave a sigh of relief.
The way my body reacted to his cock inside of me was a compulsory measure. Rape victims that would come into the emergency department would often feel like their body betrayed them when the assault was going on as their body would lubricate to protect itself. I have held more than one hand while explaining this phenomenon to them in a way to make them understand that by no means did it necessitate they were enjoying it or responsible in any way. The same phenomenon happened to me right now. There was pain to start, but my body’s natural defense mechanism took over, and soon he was gliding into me without resistance. A little sting remained but didn’t even come close enough to what I searched for. I closed my eyes and endured the pain I felt I deserved.
My hands relaxed from the fisted mess of the sheets and I didn’t want the painful sensation to be lost with anything remotely pleasing, so I tried to goad him into more of what I had in mind. “Oh cowboy, you feel so good. Can you give it to me harder?” It was at this point that I noticed I didn’t even know his first name. Not that it mattered much but it just went to prove how low I have sunk. Just as predicted he started to plow into me harder. I could feel his diminutive dick as he worked fast and furious on my cunt. This cowboy must also have manners as I could tell he tried to give me pleasure as well as make sure he didn’t hurt me but that was not what I needed. I knew exactly what I needed. I needed the pain. It was the only thing that would block out my mind and let in a little peace anymore.
Grasping the sheets again I moved my legs apart in a bigger stance. Partly to get a better center of gravity and partly to get down more to his level for heavy thrusting. Once situated I continued my prodding, “C’mon cowboy. Is that all you got?” He huffed out his reply and started banging into me with all his force making the pain intensify. Raw pain caused my bottom to inflame into sore and achy sensitivity where we met each time he slammed into me to the point that my whole body shook. My small breasts swayed madly and when he went to hold them I stopped him, “Ohh baby. Keep gripping my hips. It drives me wild.”
His hands traveled back to my hips where I wanted them. “You like it rough don’t you bitch.” The change in his term of endearment for me made me nervous. I only hoped I hadn’t taken it too far, and he felt he could be too demanding. The guy would certainly get his rocks off but the way he would get off would be on my terms.
Pain sheared into me at each forceful thrust and as my body went to hide from the onslaught I started to go dry. My lubrication diminished and if he didn’t ejaculate soon it would increase the risk of breaking the condom.
Hearing his grunts and heavy breathing I knew he must be close. I hoped there was still some gentleman cowboy in him and he was just trying to hold out for my pleasure. This time I didn’t goad him as much as put my more disproportionate acting skills to good use. “Oh God, oh God. You are making me come.” I felt far from a release but realized it was what he waited for.
“Come bitch. Scream for me.” The way he hammered inside of me I felt like it wouldn’t be much of a stretch. My eyes stung with tears I knew would never come. It always felt like that. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried or more importantly, the last time it felt good to cry. Instead, I swallowed down a bile that crept up my throat. The sound of our bodies slapping together nauseated me as well as the way I felt his scrotum smack against me. I fought to keep it going just for the sheer fact I deserved this punishment. I want the stinging, the searing pain, but shame always follows and I tamped down the urge to run out of the hotel room naked and screaming. Knowing exactly what I needed to do I started my shrieks of fake pleasure. “Oh Cowboy!” I let my body go limp and it fooled him just enough as I felt him jerk inside me. Biting my lip, I held in the sounds of anguish realizing I gave in too quickly to another night of debauchery and shame coated the whole act.
After his third and final thrust, he slipped out of me. The condom came loose and my heart sputtered. Shit. He pulled it out and held it up, “Well crap babe, we almost lost one.” Glad it still looked intact and the contents still inside I stood up quickly and realized the rush of pain between my legs was worse than I thought it would be.
Scrambling to dress myself, I pulled up my underwear and pants first and located my bra. He watched my quick motions with confusion. “Hey now. I ain’t about to throw you out. I like it a little rough too. We might be able to go for round two.”
Before he could even get his pants back up, I had my bra on and my shirt closed but didn’t feel the need to button. With purse in hand, I sprinted for the door before he could come after me. “Thanks, but no cowboy.” Not waiting for an answer I left and was down the hall to the elevator in record time.
Dressing in the elevator was a new low. Not taking the time to remove my shoes paid off and I quickly buttoned my blouse hoping to hide my face should the elevator have a camera. I was out the door of the lobby and to my car with my head down avoiding any and all eye contact.
Back at my house the pain got to an all-time high. Yeah, I really did it this time. I made myself a bath and contemplated putting Epson salt in it but realized what was the point? I wanted the pain, I craved the pain, and I sought out the pain for a reason. In the end I just lowered myself in the warm water and hung my head in shame. I shouldn’t take this risk anymore. What the hell was I thinking? As much as I didn’t want to, I knew next time I would need to reach out to Charlie and that made me feel all the worse.