It has been three months since I killed Diablo. Three months of pure and utter hell. Each day brings a new challenge or crises. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him, what I did or what could have been, he was the love of my life. The saddest part is I don’t feel any guilt for killing him. I need to make peace with what I have done and live with my actions.
News had spread quickly amongst all the mafia bosses as to his death, who had killed him and why. Naturally I thought I would be made excommunicado, but I wasn’t, I was worshipped and respected even more for what I had done. All their businesses were doing even better than before because I was spending more and more time working and training to take my mind off the last few months.
I was summoned to Diablo’s attorney’s office for the reading of his Last Will and Testament. To say I was shocked was an understatement but even more so when I saw Lauren was also in attendance. Luckily it proved that the choice I had made to end his life was the right one, especially seeing the bitch here for the reading of the Will.
Levi accompanies me to the reading of his Will but only Lauren and I was allowed to go into the office. Diablo had left me all the money as well as the apartment. Lauren inherited a 40% share in one of the clubs in California and I the remaining 60%. The other clubs we owned jointly by Diablo and I, ownership transferred immediately to me. We also each received a letter written by him. When I asked his attorney when Diablo changed his Will he said it was approximately two weeks prior to me leaving on the mission with Dean. It was during the happiest time we ever spent together.
I didn’t want anything to do with Lauren so sold my 60% share to her for one dollar, which of course in our world is frowned upon and disrespectful towards him. Not that anyone would care especially taking into account how they handled his death. The attorney was shocked but I didn’t care my heart still feels dead. The paperwork was done and signed and she owned the club in California. The money he had left me was donated to various charities. I kept the Apartment and the other clubs. I had worked hard to get the clubs for him and I had plans for the Apartment.
I haven’t been back to the Apartment since his body was removed but I know I have to, soon. I need to get out of this funk I am in. Working and training constantly was not always good. My body looked better than it has ever looked, it is rare for a woman to have an eight pack, business was doing extremely good but I had shut all human contact. I conducted all business transactions remotely. I haven’t been to Bejoux since his death. Drastic changes needed to be made.
I have cried until there was no more tears left, mourned the loss of my baby and its father but now was the time to start living again. I know I am stronger than this.
Levi, Alex and Blaine have basically been on paid leave for three months. I had no use for them, I never left the building. I only left once with Levi to go to the reading of Diablo’s Will, other than that I was in the building, hiding. My daily routine consisted of training from three am as usual until around ten. I would have a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, work until well after nightfall, have dinner, if I was hungry, sleep and repeat.
Dean has tried to contact me a few times but after a while he gave up. He knows I will speak to him when I am ready and not before.
Lauren was hysterical the day at the attorney’s office, she was beside herself because I disrespected his memory, selling the shares for a dollar but more so for not showing any remorse for killing him. Her father had to forcefully remove her. The last I heard he had moved her to live in California away from me. I heard he was afraid I will kill her because of what happened between her and Diablo the night I was almost raped. My revenge against her will come in due course, I wasn’t plotting anything for the time being, I just hope for her sake she doesn’t piss me off any more than she already has and stays away from me. I am not one to shy away from torture and trust me she definitely deserves to be tortured. However, for now, I am letting her be.
I was indecisive about whether or not to read Diablo’s letter addressed to me. The fact that he had written one to Lauren too was always at the back of my mind. Especially since because he proclaimed his endless love for me on numerous occasions.
Deciding to finally read it, I hope to find closure to the chapter called Diablo and Emma.
Pouring myself a stiff whiskey I sit on the couch and start to read his letter.
My Dearest Baby Love,
If you are reading this, I am dead I just hope that when you read it we are both old, grey and have spent a lot of time on a porch watching our grandchildren play around. If not then something must have happened along the way or I fucked up again.
I have never met someone like you in my entire life. That first night I saw you on the dance floor I knew, I just knew you would be mine until the day I die. From the moment I heard your musical, calming voice I felt a connection, our souls were one. You make me so happy baby love, you made me realise that there is more to life than just fucking someone without a care in the world. You are the only woman I have ever made love to. You saw through all my bullshit and were never afraid to call me out on it. It drove me crazy but it also made me love you so much more. You are a strong-willed woman with a soft heart, which you have mastered to hide from the world. I was a broken man when you met me. You made me a better man, you completed me. The moments we are apart are like a bitter eternity and I can barely wait until the next time I see you or talk to you.
I never told you this face-to-face, although writing this letter I wish I did, but you are an amazing person. When you walk into a room I don’t need to look around to know you are there, I feel your presence, that is how in tune my body is to yours and how strong our connection is. I know I fucked up a lot but one way or another you always found a way to forgive me. You have a beautiful forgiving heart. I count myself lucky that you are the woman that loves me, unconditionally, even after my death, I hope you still do. You have such a big loving heart I just hope that if my death was caused by me being the asshole I usually am, you will find someone to love you as much as I do, but know this, they will never love you more than what do at this moment. Sometimes I feel like my heart will burst with all the longing and excitement I feel when I think of you although sometimes you are right next to me. You are the only person that has the ability to cause my heart to skip a beat with something as small as a sidelong glance or a gentle smile or touch. I gaze into your eyes and lose track of time, sometimes I even lose track of who I am. I drown in your elegance and beauty combined with your love for me. Your voice stirs an intense longing in every fiber of my body and your caress makes me feel as though I am melting inside. These are feelings that I never knew existed until you.
You deserve to be worshipped, loved and treated with respect. Never let anyone walk over you not that you do, you have put me in my place a couple of times. If we don’t have children I want you to make sure you find a man that can give you a child when the time is right. You need to experience life to the fullest baby love.
Even though I mean every word I say in this letter I truly hope that I was the man that gave and did all of the things I am wishing for you.
You mean the world to me. I never looked for love but you found me and that was the end of my player way days. My heart was yours the second I laid eyes on you.
I love you with every fibre of my being. I have never loved another - I have only ever loved you. You are my breath, heartbeat and reason for existing. Never forget that.
If there is still time for you, keep me in a small part of your heart but find your happiness. Even in death I am a little selfish by not wanting you to forget me, I know but you will find a way to always remember me, I just know it.
You deserve happiness, baby love.
Always lovingly yours.
I love you, even in death.
Your Devil, Diablo.
I read the letter over and over again my tears flowing shamelessly down my cheeks until I had no more tears left. I know now, I can start slowly forgiving him for what he has done. If I don’t I might turn out even more uncompassionate than I already was. I have always been my own individual person. Maybe one day I will completely forgive him. I still love him, it doesn’t mean the second I killed him that I stopped loving him. I know that he will always have a piece of my heart, that is a given. I will never forget what we shared but the time has come to move on with my life.
Starting tomorrow with my birthday.