Chapter 34 It doesn’t matter what I want
“Tell me that you don’t want me.” She said, and I swallow thickly. I want Kaylee to be happy, and I want to fuck her, yes. But I know what she means. She means more than just sex, more than just friends. When it comes to that, I can´t. I am never again going to keep a woman. Ever! Not after seeing what happened to Gabi.
Watching her draw her last breath haunts me like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Standing there at the hospital, unable to do anything, didn’t just make me feel helpless. It also took away all my courage. I will never confess what I feel for a woman again.
It doesn’t matter if I want more, it would be selfish, and I will never let myself explore that. I shouldn’t even have brought Kaylee here. I shouldn’t have kissed her, and damn fucking shit, I should never have touched her.
“Kaylee, I like you, and I consider you to be a friend. You are an amazing and strong woman. I will not deny that I am attracted to you, because I am, and I want to sleep with you. But I don’t want more than that.” She nods, glancing down at the floor.
“I don’t understand.” She tells me, looking back up at me.
“What is it that you don’t understand?” I ask, hoping that she will just let it go.
“If you don’t want me, then why are you doing all of this? Taking care of me, being nice and sweet? Acting jealous, and what we just did? Are you saying that you are doing that just because you want to sleep with me?” The disbelief in her eyes makes me snort. I hate that she has higher thoughts about me than I deserve! Everything would be so much easier if she just hated me, was scared of me. It would be so easy if she didn’t want me and was such a temptation.
“I told you that I am not the nice guy you seem to think that I am.” Turning my back to her, I glare at the closed door. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it looks like it will be my only option to keep her away from me.
“Then look at me and say it, tell me that you are doing all of this because you want to sleep with me.” She says, and I close my eyes. Why is she insisting on questioning me? Why can’t she just drop it and listen?
“Say it!” She yells, and I turn around to face her again. The feelings inside me are chaotic, to put it mildly, and even though I want to wrap my arms around her, I can’t. I can’t do that to her. Everyone around me ends up hurt, and dragging her further into my life would only make her more attractive to my enemies. Being with her would mean that I have to spend the rest of my life worrying if she will be alive the next time I see her.
And when she finds her way again, when she no longer feels scared when I am not around, what happens then? She will see me for who I am, that I am not a nice guy. She will hate what I do. She will hate me, and I don’t think that I can handle that.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I tell her, and her blue eyes start to shine with anger as she storms up to me. Grabbing my shirt hard, she glares at me.
“If you don’t want me, then explain this! Why are you insisting on touching me? On kissing me? Why didn’t you sleep with that woman at your club? Why did you come back home instead? Why did you kiss me again? Why did you tell me that it feels good when you kiss me, that you don’t want to stop? Why did you tell me that you couldn’t get hard for her, but you obviously can get hard for me?” She screams, taking a breath before she continues.
“Tell me why you just did all of that again! Tell me why you wanted me to come here with you! Tell me why you are jealous of Isaac! Tell me that this between us means nothing! Tell me that you don’t want me!” Her screaming turns into a whisper as the last words leave her, while her eyes turn glazy, and I stare at her, feeling guilty. My mother was a nice and sweet woman, but if she had seen how I was acting now, I bet she would have beaten me up.
“Babe.” I start, but she pushes me away, snarling at me.
“Don’t call me that!” Sighing, I look down at the floor again. Everything is a fucking mess, I am a mess, and I am just messing it up even more.
“I can’t be with anyone.” I tell her, and then she hits me in my chest.
“Coward!” She yells, hitting me again, and I grab her hands. She tries to yank them free while yelling curses at me.
“Kaylee, calm down before you hurt yourself.”
“You know what, Max? You can fuck off!” She yanks harder, so I let her go, not wanting to hurt her.
“Kaylee.” I say when she starts walking towards the door, and without a word, she flips me off before slamming the door open before storming out of the room. The door slowly starts to close behind her, and I pinch my eyes shut with a heavy sigh. When I open them again, my brother stands there, his arms crossed over his chest, looking like a raging bull.
“Fuck.” I mutter quietly.
“What the fuck did you mean when you said, don’t make me regret the fact that I didn’t kill you like I once planned to?” This night keeps getting better.
“Answer me!” He snarls when I haven’t said a word for several seconds.
“I meant what I said. A long time ago, I planned to do that.”
“A long time ago? It was like yesterday that we found out about us being brothers!” He growls at me, and I shake my head.
“I lied. I have always known that the man I grew up with wasn’t my father, I was a teenager when I found out my birth father’s name, and a few weeks later, I found out about you and Amanda. I planned to kill my birth father, but he was already dead, so I was going to take out my need for revenge on you and Amanda.” Luke stands there quiet, hurt shining in his eyes, making me feel even worse than I did a minute ago.
“I am sorry. I was young, mad, and I felt betrayed. For years I was forced to see my mother get abused because she had an affair with our father, and I had just watched my mother get raped and killed. I wanted everyone to hurt as much as I did. My head was a mess, and the hate and pain I felt clouded all logical thoughts. It’s not an excuse but an explanation. I regret it every day.” I tell him, hanging my head in shame.
“What change your mind?” I chuckle at his question.
“Gabi, you, Maya, Iza.” I tell him while shrugging, and he nods. I want to believe what Kaylee said, that it was all because of me, but I am not so sure that I would have chosen to let Luke live if it weren’t for Gabi. I am not sure that I would have helped Luke and Iza if it weren’t for Maya. I am not sure if I would have killed Joseph if I hadn’t seen that Luke loved Iza. I am not sure that I would have helped Luke rescue Iza if it weren’t for the fact that I was terrified that she would end up being hurt like my mother.
“Aren’t you mad?” I ask, and he snorts.
“I am fucking furious, but I promised my wife to be nice to you.” I smirk at him, sending a thankful thought to Iza. Right now, I don’t have the patience to deal with a pissy Luke.
“What was that about?” He snarls, pointing at the door, and I shake my head.
“Don’t you dare say nothing! I want to know why you were dry humping Kaylee before you said that stupid shit to her. And why did she just stormed out of here, almost knocking me off my feet.” He says, and I glare at him.
“That is none of your business. Nothing in my life is your business.”
“I made it my fucking business after you decided to become a complete fuck up and almost getting your sorry ass killed! So suck it up and fucking spill before I make you!” I laugh at his words, shaking my head.
“There’s nothing you could do to make me talk about anything that I don’t want to talk about.” He tilts his head with raised eyebrows.
“You fucking owe me answers after thinking about killing me.” He says with a smirk, and I narrow my eyes.
“I am not talking to you about this.” I growl, and his eyes turn angry.
“Fine, then I will tell the ladies, and they can deal with you. Iza, Maya, and Liv can be very convincing. And let’s not forget that they will make your life hell.” He says, and this time I am the one to raise my eyebrows.
“What the fuck is it that you want to know?” I grumble, not wanting to drag the three women into this. The less who knows, the better it will be for Kaylee.
“You are in love with her, and you are acting like a fucking jerk off.” He says, and I press my lips into a thin line as guilt starts to gnaw inside me.
“I like Kaylee, yes, but it’s not love. She went through hell, and you know that. I want to help her back to a normal life.”
“So it’s not love? But then why are you jealous of Isaac, and why are you fucking her?”
“I am not fucking her! Things just got out of hand.” I snap, and he smirks.
“Brother, if showing your dick makes women jump to their feet and run out the door while screaming at you, then not even the birds and bees talk can help you. Actually, no fucking prayer can help you, and I will no longer see you as my brother.” He says in a chuckle, and I desperately want to shoot him.
“Wow, you are so funny!”
“I am a hilarious guy.” He says while he saunters further inside the room.
“I am not fucking her because of what happened to her.” He turns to me, looking me up and down.
“So, that is the problem?” His words make me angry, and I clench my hands into fists.
“What? No, of course not! She’s not ready for that.”
“She sure looked ready to me.” He says with a smirk, and I grit my teeth.
“Luke, I am not going to discuss things that Kaylee has told me. All you need to know is that I am not fucking her and that she’s not ready for that. What you saw was just what you saw.”
“Dry humping.” He points out while another amused smirk plays on his lips, and I sigh.
“Okay, so you are dry humping her, and then you are an asshole to her. Why? From what I have seen before, you are all sweet talk and wanna be gentleman, what change that?” He asks, and I glare at him.
“Well?” He asks, looking at me with expectations, and defeat makes my shoulder slump.
“I told Gabi that I loved her after years of keeping her at a distance. I kept her at a distance because I knew she was safer that way. Then I got weak, and I told Gabi how I felt. She was killed because of me, because of what I do, because of who I am. I can’t do that to Kaylee. She’s better off without me.”
“I get it. You are scared. But Max, seriously, don’t be a fucking pussy and tell her how you feel. Tell her everything, and then let her be the one deciding what to do. I almost lost Iza, and I brought more trouble to my door when I told everyone that I am the real boss and not you. But the only thing I regret is every day I haven’t spent with her.” I look at him, wondering if this is my brother or an alien speaking to me.
“Don’t look so fucking surprised. Pick up your nuts, go to bed and then talk to the woman tomorrow when she has calmed down. If you do that now, then you might get crushed nuts. She is in Liv´s room, so you don’t need to worry about her. Liv is one vicious woman when she wants to.” He tells me with a look that says that he has probably been on her bad side a few times. Without another word, he leaves my room, and my thoughts wander to Kaylee.
“Damn!” I say in a sigh, slumping down on my bed.
When Kaylee stormed inside my room without knocking, I was relieved. It gave me something else to think about, and the worry and fear I feel over having to travel with Jaxson tomorrow faded. After asking if she okay, she just huffed and started pacing my room. Sitting on my bed, I watch her trying to make a hole in my floor.
“What happened?” I ask again, and she stops walking.
“He lied to me!” She hisses, gesturing wildly with her arms.
“Who?” I ask with a frown, and she mutters something that I can’t hear.
“Kaylee, I can’t help if you don’t talk.” I tell her, and her eyes widen.
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Since I saw her the first time, she has come a long way, but I can still see the mistrust shining in her eyes.
“Okay, so what do you want to do then?” I ask, not wanting to push her, hoping that she will talk when she’s ready.
“I want to sleep. Can I sleep here?” She points at the couch, and I nod.
“Of course you can.” I watch her stomp to the couch with angry steps before she lays down and turns her back to me.
I keep watching her with a frown before I let out a soundless sigh and turn off the lamp. I hope that no matter what happened, she will get some sleep. I know that I won’t be able to. Traveling with Jaxson tomorrow… Will Isaac be mad at me? But it was Max’s orders. Damn!