Hello. Yes, this is me, the one Draco who is still coping with the pain that your loss gave me. It is hard, it is so fucking hard.
I have not left my room for two weeks, I need you more than I needed anyone in my life, I need to hold you, but I will never get this chance again and it hurts more than it should.
I miss you. I really fucking miss you, I really need to be with you, but you are not in this world anymore, you will never be in this world, and will never ever help me again.
Everything was my fault, your death was my fault, I should have not left you there, I regret everything so much.
Do you remember when I promised you, that after the war, we will run away, far far away from here? To run away from our problems, have kids, live in a small, cozy house in the middle of the woods? I really meant it, I wanted to run away, I would have ran away with you when I killed Voldemort, but you were already dead and I had no clue that you weren’t among us anymore.
You have no idea what I felt in my body when I saw you there, laying on the ground, your body was empty, pale, and very fucking cold, I ran up to you and shook your body, because I thought that I could still do something, I couldn’t believe that you died like this and just in a few seconds you faded away.
All I wanted to do after I killed him, was to lift you up and kiss you, but I just couldn’t fucking do it, because like I said you were already so fucking dead, your soul was already out of this world.
I never through that I would lose you, I needed you in my life more than anything and you, you were the only one.
You were the only girl, who understood me, who supported me no fucking matter what, the only girl who was there for me, the only girl who did not use me only for sex, and the only girl who truly loved me.
What did you do to me? What was that feeling in my stomach when I first saw your smile? When your eyes first met with mine? Your body did something to me every time my eyes met yours, the feeling I used to get every time your lips connected with mine, I loved the way your lips tasted and how good they looked on my skin, how good we looked together, how perfect your body fitted on mine, how good you looked on me in the mornings and how awesome you looked after the whole day, you were always beautiful, you were the most beautiful girl from inside and outside.
You don’t fucking understand, Elle, I need you. That’s why I have decided to ask Mattheo, yes, Mattheo fucking Riddle to obliviate me, to delete all my memories with everyone and especially you. I wanted and needed to forget you and forget that you existed, even if it was so fucking hard but this was the only way. I have to move on, I can not live like this anymore.
I want to stay alive but I also don’t. I can not live without you. You are the one. I don’t care if I’ll find another woman, you will always be the best even if I won’t remember you, but somewhere, deep in the heart I will still remember you.
It will be fucking hard for me, and everyone around me but like I wrote earlier, this is the only way for me to end the pain, without killing myself.
Trust me, Elle, I really loved you, I loved you with all my heart, I loved you, I always did love you and I always will love you, no matter what.
I promise you that I will meet you in the heaven when I’ll die, because I am hundred percent sure that you are now there, you deserve even more, not only heaven, but I will meet you there one day and I will remember you.
You know? I have never though that I will meet someone like you. I never actually hated you, I only tried to hide my pain by bullying you and others, but now I regret it with all my heart, with all my fucking heart.
To be honest I never thought that you will be that important to me, I never thought that you will actually fall in love with me and my disgusting attitude, with my toxic ass and everything, you really deserved better than me, you deserved a guy who is nice and would have treated you right, and I still don’t understand how could a heart like yours, ever love a heart like mine.
It is hundred percent my fault that you died, that I lost you. If would have never dated me, you would have still been alive and most importantly, happy without me and without my stupid love for you.
I am sure that in your another life you will find a better man than me, he will treat you better and be with you forever, he will run away with you from everyone to that small, cozy house in the middle of the woods and you two will have kids, and live a happy life together.
Once again, I want to tell you how much I loved you. You were the only girl I actually loved and did not use only for sex, you were the one who made me actually smile, you were the one who I actually trusted and I only have opened up to you, because I felt safe around you, I felt warmth from you, I needed and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but...everything is over now.
I died when you left me, but I am still alive and it hurts so bad, it feels like my ribs are being ripped out of my body, the pain is taking all over it, even my brain and it is horrible, I feel a weird pain, or feeling in my chest, it is hard to breathe, I can barely think about anything and I can’t explain how it feels, it hurts but it also feels like some kind of pressure.
Your touch felt like a sunlight during my darkest midnight’s, you helped me a lot, you saved my life, you loved me and took care of me, I have never experienced something like this, but when I did I felt so fucking happy, now all I have left is pain and loneliness, my body is completely emotionless and empty without you and your touch, your breath on my neck and your little small kisses on my body.
Every time I looked at you, I used to forget all the problems, I even used to forget what I was going to say, you were gorgeous, and I bet that you still are, it’s just that I can’t see you anymore, only in my dreams, but the problem is that I can’t fall asleep, not anymore.
You were like a best friend to me, but I loved you more than anything and I still do, I will always do.
I will wait for you, no matter what, I will always wait for you, but I don’t know what for.
You are gone.
Your body is gone, your soul is gone, your breath is gone, your touch is gone, your feelings are gone, EVERYTHING IS GONE now.
I regret all the things I have said to you, of course only the rude ones. I wanted to have a perfect life with you, and to be with you until the last second of our lives, I wanted to die with you, together.
When I decided to run away with you, I bought you a ring, I wanted to ask you if you will marry me, but it is too late now. My only wish was to marry you and spend the rest of our lives with you and our kids, only us, only our little Malfoy family.
You don’t know how much my body and my mind misses you, wants to be besides you, just one more time, to say goodbye, I swear, that would be enough, I only want to say goodbye and apologize for everything I have done to you, most importantly, hurt you both, psychically, if I did, and mentally.
When I saw your body on the ground, it was that moment when I realized how much I loved you and how much I needed you in my life, I needed to treat you better, I wanted to treat you like a queen, because you deserved this, you deserved to be treated like a queen, but you were my little princess.
If not the obliviate spell, it would be impossible for me to forget you, because it is fucking hard to forget someone who gave you so many memories and so many things to remember, you were my world, my sun, my stars and my moon, my literal everything.
If I had one wish, only one fucking wish I would bring you back to life, I would treat you better and spend every free second with you.
I wish I could fucking see you one more time, you, walking in my room through the door, with a huge smile on your stunning little face, but that is impossible, you are gone, you are gone forever, I will never hear you wonderful voice again, that used to give me goosebumps every time you talked.
I can’t cry anymore, there are no more tears left in my eyes, I know that you can feel my urge to cry, and I really think that you don’t want me to cry over you, but my heart is broken, it is broken to million pieces and it is impossible to fix it.
I still can’t fucking understand how someone like you can die, you were and still are an angel, you deserved to live, how the fuck someone so precious can die? And what was the reason? Why did God decided to take you up there? In the heaven with him? I mean that kind of makes sense, you were an angel walking on the ground, we did not deserve you, world didn’t deserve you, you were too good for everyone here, especially, me.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do with everything that I feel for you. No one has ever showed me how to keep the ocean hidden beneath my skin, no one has ever told me that in love, you drown.
Please, Elle, my love, come back, even as a shadow, even as a dream, just come back to me, I want to see you, I want to hold you, I can’t live without you, I love you, but God loved you more, and I feel fucking bad for killing you emotionally.
I never got a chance to say goodbye, I never said a goodbye, because I thought that I will never lose you, that I will never see your dead body laying on the ground, all completely cold, empty and dead.
I think, that it’s both, a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply, you love too much, but when you lose that one person it hurts more and more everyday, it hurts all the damn time, even if you get over the loss, there still is a spot in your heart, that hurts, because you have lost that one person, that one person that you have loved the most.
I know that you probably reading this, or listening to my thoughts from the above, but there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I value more than your love, no matter where I am or what I am doing, your memories with me will always keep me smiling, even though it hurts to remember you, your precious little smile, your gorgeous green eyes, you long, blackish hair, just everything about you is fucking perfect.
I should have fucking hugged you tighter last time I hugged you, because I never thought that it would be the last time.
There aren’t any days that I don’t think about you, I always think about you, about our memories, I look at your photos, I spray your perfume, I read your notebook all over and over again, I think about you, how gorgeous you were, you didn’t even need any make up to look perfect, you looked like this always, even in the morning, even after parties, even after sex.
I promise you that I will try to stay strong, but I have to obliviate myself, it will be hard for me, but this is the only way the end everything and forget you and your death, if there was a way to end the pain without ending myself and without deleting all the memories with you, I would do it as soon as possible, but it is fucking impossible, I miss the taste of your gorgeous lips, trust me I really do.
Thank you for the best year, thank you for the best months together, thank you for all of the memories that you gave me, thank you, thank you, thank you, now I have to go.
It will be hard to live without you and your touch, but I will try, now I am going to Mattheo’s room, I love you.
I fucking love you, Elle Snape, I will never forget you, even if I will, I promise you, with all my heart, with all my body, I promise you with everything.
Yours, always and forever,