Breathe Mickey. Breathe.
Words I’d been repeatedly chanting to myself as I stood before my mirror. My eyes shut tightly at the very moment my fingers intertwined with the soft fabric covering my upper body in search of security.
I wanted to just open my eyes and smile at the reflection; to be happy with what I saw and not cry in disgust. I wanted to be confident in myself and my image, but it wasn’t always so easy. Some days it was really hard- today was one of those days.
I happen to know for a fact that you’ll look amazing - Joseph whispers lovingly, making me smile in response.
Because I always look amazing and you are in my body soooo - this makes me laugh to myself, allowing warmth to replace the chilling cold that crept its way throughout me.
Technically it’s my body b-
Just open your eyes - Joseph groans cutting me off.
I take a deep breath before popping my eyes open, somehow finding myself unable to release the air I’d captured as I stared at myself. My fingers slowly released the fabric that I had been gripping for dear life as my body finally relaxed.
My brown hair laid comfortably on my shoulders, the loose curls making my lips tug slightly. I let my eyes trail down my reflected frame, smiling in approval at the slightly cropped black top which was partially covered by an oversized jacket that threatened to slip off my shoulder. I found myself swaying my hips slightly, forcing a giggle out of me as my white skirt imitated my motions. I wasn’t in heels but that was okay. Baby steps.
When my eyes find themselves in the mirror, I look away quickly knowing if they lingered, the joy was dissipate. All that would be left was the hatred that festered inside of me for myself. I focused instead on the makeup I did. I was getting better at making everything blend together and I couldn’t help but release a toothy grin at the eyeliner which I managed to not fuck up today.
What did I tell you? You look amazing - Joseph mumbles making me bite my lip stubbornly.
Thank you. I love you - I reply carefully.
I love you too Micheal - He replied before fading away.
For other werewolves, expressing love between themselves and their wolves was not very common.
Mainly because love was a very strong emotion many in our species believed to be only shared between mates and family.
But Joseph was my family.
He was my rock and he was my core. Initially we didn’t get along, mainly because he was almost like an elder amongst his kind. With wisdom that bored me and judgement that vexed me. But as time went on, I’d learnt to put my trust and faith in him.
And after my family was torn away from me, he was always there, every step of the way.
So yeah, I loved him.
“Mickey?” Nicholas calls from outside my door. “You’ve been in there for a while- you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I reply, but my voice comes out a bit shaky. “Just give me a minute.”
My head began to pound. A heavy thump propelled through my heart as fear began to creep its way throughout my body. I’d become so used to being home by myself that I didn’t even bother to lock the door to my room. He could walk in right now and see me. See me like this...
“Mickey?” He questions again, no doubt picking up on the sound of my racing heart. I try my best to calm myself but that seemed to be too difficult a task for my body- if anything I only panicked further.
“I-I’m fine, just don’t come in.” I stutter out, praying to Goddess that he’d leave it be and let me undo this.
“Okay,” He replies in distress, the worry evident in his tone but he didn’t come in. “I’m here if you need me.”
I let my legs stumble back before dropping on my bed in relief. It was hard enough to face myself when I was crossdressing- facing my mates would kill me. I knew both Nicholas and Christopher already expressed there comfort with seeing me dressed like this and even approved of the lacy underwear I had underneath my clothes, but this was different.
It wasn’t normal to dress ‘like a girl’ here or anywhere really. But I wasn’t trying to be anything else but myself, I didn’t want to be a girl. I just liked the feeling of a dress on my frame, the way my makeup accentuated my features and how pretty I looked. I just liked to look pretty... but apparently I wasn’t supposed to.
I shake the thoughts from my mind, feeling a heavy sadness dragging me down. I strip quickly before throwing on some shorts and a baggy shirt, heading to the bathroom with my phone. I take a few pictures of my makeup and hair, saving it in the folder I kept for times when I wanted to be myself and couldn’t. Once that was done, I take one last look at my reflection, actually adoring what I saw. I bite my lip in anger as I snatch up a make up removal wipe and begin rubbing at my face aggressively. Rubbing away the blush, the eyeliner, the tears. I rubbed until everything was gone and I stared at a reflection that was not me.
“You okay love?” Chris questions when I stroll into the kitchen. I plaster on a smile before letting my eyes meet his.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I say before glancing around. “Where’s Nicholas?”
“He wanted to go for a run- let Thomas out for a bit.” He replies setting down his glass of juice, his eyes squinting. “So, you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“I’m guessing you spoke to Nic?” I question, my eyes now stuck to the floor as I fiddled with my fingers.
“Yeah, so tell me what’s wrong.” He reiterates while keeping the space between us, forcing me to stand alone with my remerging emotions.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I reply, repeating the answer I’d learnt to give, even to myself.
When my parents died, I said I was fine.
When the night terrors would abuse me, I said was fine.
When I wanted to leave, I said I was fine.
“Mickey, you are not fine and we both know it.” He says gently, nothing but care lacing his words. “So please, tell me what’s wrong.”
I stay still for a moment, a million and one thoughts racing through my mind. Of these thoughts, only a few of which said to tell him the truth. The others screamed at me to continue lying, to continue saying I was fine, to continue fighting alone. I didn’t want to fight alone. I didn’t want to fight at all. Not myself, my mates or everything around me telling me that I was wrong. I didn’t want to hate myself anymore.
My eyes forced themselves to look at Chris and the love that shone in his eyes, yet unspoken, was enough to break me. My legs found their way to him before my mind could process what was happening. I found myself clenching onto his shirt in desperation as I sobbed into his chest. His large arms wrapping around my small frame instantly, comfort his only goal as he kept me close in his warmth.
“It’s okay. It’s okay to let it out.” He whispers into my ears before pressing a light kiss to my temple.
“I just want to be normal.” I cry in a broken sob as I draw closer to him.
“I don’t want to do this.” I mumble, sniffling slightly as my eyes followed Nicholas while Chris kept me safely locked in his grasp.
“Well you have to.” Nicholas replied as he laid out the last of my makeup. “There. It’s all here, all your pencil stuff and powders.”
“I still don’t want to do this.” I reiterate as my eyes find everything but my own reflection. Nicholas releases a sigh before drawing near to me, his fingers forcing my chin up so I was looking directly at him.
“You are beautiful, you are smart and you are wonderful. In every form of the word, you are all those things and more.” He states with such surety my heart swelled. “For you to think any different is unacceptable. So go do as you’re told.”
His eyes pierce mine, refusing to let me go as I stared back at him beyond terrified at the task he and Chris gave me. I feel Chris give me a light squeeze of encouragement before Nic leaned down to give me a gentle kiss to my cheek.
I take a deep breath and release myself from Chris’ hold, taking a few shaky steps to meet the bathroom counter that was littered with all the makeup I’d secretly collected over the years. My eyes look at my reflection and I instantly look away, turning back to my mates desperately. They stand tall with crossed chests, nodding me forth.
I turn back, my eyes hesitantly finding my reflection once more. I stare at myself, my eyes darting around all my features in harsh judgement. Critically evaluating my slightly indented nose, spitting at my small lips, cursing at the spots puberty left and just about every thing that formed me.
“I-I am beautiful. I am....I am n-n-ormal.” I stutter out as I stare at myself. My eyes threaten to gloss over but I push it away.
“Again.” Chris says behind me.
“I a-am beautiful. I-I am normal.” I repeat, my words fighting against the hatred that already claimed the deepest parts of me. “I am beautiful... I am normal.”
“Now pick up your brush for your liquid thingy.” Nic instructs unsurely. My fingers find my beauty blender, glancing at Nic in the reflection smiling slightly at the blush that took his cheeks. “You know what I meant.” He grumbles shyly.
I don’t pester him and squeeze a little of my foundation onto it, pressing it around my face lightly before dabbing it in.
“I am beautiful. I am normal.” I repeat looking straight into my own eyes as I blended it all out with a small smile.
“Are you sure you’re doing this right? You look a little pale.” Nic comments earning him a disapproving glare from Chris. I don’t bother explaining or I’d fine myself explaining every little thing. I chuckle at the thought of his reaction to the eyelash curler.
“Keep going love.” Chris says ignoring his brother.
“I am beautiful. I am normal.” I say as I grab my contour kit.
As I continue to apply the various products to my face, I found the words becoming harder and harder to say. It made me happier when I felt the fluffy bristles against my cheek but it was difficult to look at myself claiming to be beautiful and normal when I didnt particularly feel that way.
“I-I’m beautiful... I’m normal.” I mumble under my breath as I brought the lip stick to my mouth.
“No, say it properly.” Chris says sternly.
I shut my eyes tightly in protest, the image of myself becoming too much for me. I was more confident when I was cross dressing, when I could hide behind the make up. But now, now I was really looking at myself, looking at what I was as I turning into- someone else. I didn’t know which was really me. I didn’t know what was right... what was normal.
“Don’t stop Mickey.” Nic presses.
“Please,” I beg looking back at them as tears streamed down my cheeks. “I c-can’t do this...”
“You can. You are almost there.” Chris encourages, the desperation obvious as he struggled to keep his distance.
I turn back to look at myself, crying slightly harder when I saw that my tears partially ruined everything I did up to that point. I raise the lip stick again, staring at myself as I took in a breath.
“I am b-beautiful. I am normal.” I sob out slightly before smearing the liquid in the middle before rubbing my lips together. Once that was done, I set it down staring at my reflection with a mixture of love and hate. “I am beautiful.” I croaked almost in protest at what I saw. “I- I am beautiful.” I pressed on as I wiped at my tears, grabbing the over used blender. I dab some more foundation on before dabbing at the placed my tears ran down.
“I- I am beautiful.” I stuttered as I stared at myself. I was still crying, I was still hurting inside but I was beautiful. “I am beautiful.
“You are gorgeous.” Nicholas added with a beaming smile.
“You are stunning.” Chris continued.
“Majestic!” Nic exclaimed making me laugh as I sniffed a bit.
“You are pretty.” Chris whispers making me whimper slightly as I shaky smile stretched across my lips.
“I am beautiful.” I say with a hoarse laugh. I turn to face them with love dominating my emotions. I leave the bathroom when my brain sparks with a new idea, the boys follow after me quickly as I raid my closet. On a desperate hunt, I drag out dress after dress, crop tops, skirts, sweats, everything until I finally came across the sparkling gold dress I wore to the party.
Their eyes immediately light up when they see it. Waves of need spread among the three of us but we push them away as I strip quickly and slide the dress on. I pull my hair back in a messy bun before climbing into the heels I wore that night as well. I made my way to the long mirror, my mates standing at either side of me as we all looked at the reflection.
My make up was smeared, a tragic mess alongside my demolished hair and puffy eyes. I looked like if I went through hell and back and I definitely felt like if I had. But I stood tall nevertheless, looking at my reflection with complete surety.
“I am normal.” I say to myself. “I am normal. This is normal. There is nothing wrong with me. I am normal. I am beautiful and I am normal.”
“Well I wouldn’t say you’re normal.” Nic whispers. “You’re a werewolf babe.”
I can’t help the laugh that takes hold of my body, causing me to shake as radiant jubilation completely encompasses me. I turn and jump into his arms, kissing him with everything I had before doing the same to Chris. I settle between the two as they both hug me.
“Thank you.” I whisper as I gripped them tightly. “Thank you so much.”
AHHHHH, they are so good for him!
Wish someone would do that for me when I break down.
Sorry update took so long, still in school.
Kill me now