31| The Unspoken Feeling
Ryder felt a ripping in his chest, maybe it was his heart strings snapping in half as his heart fell in two pieces into his stomach.
He couldn't describe this feeling. He wasn't angry, his heart was playing catch up. He felt short of breath and gutted.
And a terrible...terrible ache was throbbing hard in his chest.
He leaned against the wall as he walked outside the cabin. He looked up and winced willing that ache to go away.
His body felt like icd but the tears that threatened to come up burned like a hell fire.
What the fuck we this?
He pushed off the wall and started walking to his cabin. He looked down at his footsteps that he couldn't feel. Everything around him was silent...all he was left with was the image of Cole and Kat kissing.
Then the anger bubbled up.
His face set into a glare and he slammed his fist into a tree. Pain seared up his knuckles as they started to bleed, but it really wasn't anything compared to the pain in his heart.
He felt sick, dizzy, and the overwhelming urge to throw up.
"Hey." Ryder looked up saw Lauren, "are you okay?"
"Kat kissed Cole..." Ryder mumbled sadly and he saw something malicious flash in her eyes as she smiled and nodded.
I'm imagining things. He thought
"Oh you didn't know that? The two of them have been messing around for a while now. Actually...Kats been with a couple guys...yeah me and her are super, close she tells me everything." She giggled and waved him off. "Anyways I'm off! Bye Ryder! Need anything don't be a stranger." She winked and walked off.
A bullet was shot through his heart and it lit a fire of anger in his stomach.
Then he settled and a wave of sadness crashed over him and threatened to send him into the depths.
He panted and his shoulders sagged with the weight of the world.
He leaned his shoulder against the tree and let his head fall. His eyes void with a dull empty look of sadness as he scolded himself for thinking she actually cared about him.
But was she really to blame?
He never told her how he felt, never told her how fast his heart raced around her or how his skin yearned to touch hers.
Her smirks and laughs where intoxicating. They filled him up and made his cold dark world a little bit warmer.
He made it seem like all this was sex to him, it was supposed to be just sex.
But 'just sex' didn't hurt like this.
Ryder fucking hated how she made him weak again. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his bloody fist.
He growled and pushed off the tree storming off to the cabin. His emotions in a frenzy.
Ryder laid awake in his bed with his mind, and god that wasn't a good place right now, when he heard the door creak open.
The lights flicked on and his face twisted into a defensive angry look when his eyes opened to meet Kats.
"Hey, what are you doing. You're sleeping so early? Well early for you at least." She shrugged and walked over to him with a smile, "what? Did you get blue balls without me around?" She chuckled and met his glare. The smile on her face melted away quickly.
"What's wrong?" She mumbled.
Ryder sat up and clenched his jaw shut tight. Looking at her was hard, he kept seeing her lips on Cole's and that felt like a stab.
"Nothing. But hey, Kat, why don't you tell me how Cole's lips tasted?" He spat out his words dripping in fake interest and venom.
He wanted to cry...express to her how he felt and maybe just maybe see if she felt the same. He wanted her to crawl into bed with him. He wanted to protect her.
But the walls that protected his heart wanted to hurt her like she did to him.
She knitted her eyebrows together a bit of asurprised look on her face, "what?"
"Oo I love this game! I pretend I didn't see you kissing Cole at the party and you act dumb!" He gasped his features all light in fake excitement, he then hardened again. "I'm great at it." He growled out.
Kat glared at him and her jaw dropped, "are you serious? You fuck me and never ever tell me how you feel then all of sudden you think you have the right to act like the boyfriend who got cheated on because of something you think you saw!?" She yelled and shot off the bed appalled.
That hit home, Ryder's heart twisted and his defenses panicked.
Hurt her hurt her, before she hurts you.They screamed.
He didn't, he really didn't want to. He wanted it to be a dream. For her to be his and for her to not have kissed anyone but him.
"It was always sex, Kat!" He screamed at her. "Did you ever fucking think it was anything more? I could give two shits about you. You mean nothing to me besides a pair of breast's and a vagina!" He yelled and got up off the bed.
Kat had a stunned look on her pretty face. He could see the hurt all over and her heart shattering in her eyes. And it fucking killed him, but his demons ate it up.
he couldn't stop.
He was in survival mode. I guess that's what killing your brother does to you, you learn protect yourself at all costs. Even if that cost is your happiness
"Why do you think anyone looks at you? Cause you walk around with your tits out and sex in your eyes. Let me spell it out." He took a step closer making her take one back. Her face frozen in broken sad look. " Cole. Is. trying. to. Fuck. You. I'm pissed because I don't particularly like sharing where I put my dick." He finished his chest rising and falling fast.
Kat choked and tears streamed down her face slowly. She shakily reached for the handle behind her and opened the door. Her wide hurt eyes staring into his as the tears pooled.
The tears he created.
"I-I...u-uhm" she looked down and let out a shaky breath. "...you really are just an asshole who doesn't have the capacity to care." She mumbled weakly and turned out of the room slamming the door.
As the door whacked close, reality hit me, and defense mode switched off.
He stared at the door dumbfounded, he didn't feel like he had control when he was yelling at her. He wanted desperately to turn back time and stop himself.
He lost her, and it hurt more than any physical pain he'd ever felt. He felt broken and gutted and he did it to himself. There was a canyon in his chest, he was hallow.
Just like when Rhys left, but this time he really did pull the trigger willingly.
Ryder reached up and gripped the shirt over his heart. He ran his hand through his hair staring at the floor and he expected to feel the horns of his inner demon he let take over. The scattered pieces of his shattered life was all around him and he hadn't even picked up the pieces yet.
This felt like a dream. He knew one thing for sure through...
He lost the girl he was falling for.